to ask if you would be upset about this group chat situation?

[BlackBucketOfCheese]

I’m in a group chat with loads of women who did the same degree. We all went on to do the same kinds of jobs and often need support as it is very stressful. It is nice having a group who understand the work situation and the terminology and they have always been a very supportive group with no in fighting and lots of great, sisterly, fun, feminist chat. We are a close group.

During the pandemic the group has thrived and we have all helped each other out in a variety of ways. From home birth emergencies, child care, financially, picking up shopping, staying up to talk through upsetting issues and generally getting each other through the days of the pandemic.

We have all mentioned how positive it has been and how much we have all gained from it.

Last week one of the women added her wife. And since then the group has all but fallen to pieces. She doesn’t understand the terminology (fair enough it isn’t her job) but it means a lot gets lost in translation or many of us have to explain detailed things which are impossible to understand fully without our training. The rest of us can use an
acronym and we all understand.
The worst part of it all is they have back and forth couple-y chats all the time. I’ll pick up my phone and see dozens of WhatsApp messages and they are between this couple discussing what to have for dinner or what on telly.

Many of us also discuss very personal things which we would only share with people we know - rape, miscarriage, marital issues, work troubles and now we have this stranger inserted into our conversation.

Most other conversation has dried up and a life line to that sisterly gang seems to have broken off.

My DH thinks I’m being unreasonable to be upset about this, AIBU?

Good for you OP 👏 Hopefully your friend will understand and the group can get back to a semblance of normality.

“It’s so nice to have a group with spouses and friends in. Let’s all add them here and I’ll start a work talk group with the original group in so we can have that back too.”

How receptive would your friend be? I think it’s really odd to be having private and boring conversations over a group WhatsApp. I would be really tempted to start another one to be honest.

How receptive would your friend be?

I’m not sure. She is probably the member of the group who we all see the least, she lives about 300 miles away so usually we only see her at weddings and stuff like that. The rest of us are about an hour away from each other, outside of a pandemic we meet up regularly.
She has been prickly about that before now (less so since she got married - so quite some time years) and I’m wondering if that might all come back up.

She may well split from the group, which is very sad because it's probably going to change permanently no matter what you do. But at least the rest of you can have a good chat again.

Is she controlling her partner? I can imagine it would be irritating if a partner was constantly on a group chat you were not on - was it very active?

Going dark and setting up a splinter group seems to be the only option south out an almighty row.

Everytime they send a couple-y message say something like 'oops I think that was meant for Sarah' or forward on to your DF, 'I think this was meant for you.'

Carry on using acronyms and jargon as before and it will soon become boring for your DF's DW.

I think you should wait a while and see how things go. I think if you say you want the partner removed from the group, the person who’s partner it is will go to, and probably from your friendship group as well as the social media group.

My view is that the partner is excited to be included and is going over the top with posting. If the chat from the rest of you dies down, she’ll get the message and rein it in. If she doesn’t, that would be the time to make changes.

You acknowledge that she’s a nice person. She could become a good friend. Shame to push her and her partner away so quickly when a bit of tolerance, patience and diplomacy could solve the problem.

“Whose” not “who’s” ......aghhhh!

I really dont understand this. How can all of you just sit there and not say anything? And the 2 that just up and left; that's the worse way they could deal with it.

11 grown women and not one of you has the backbone to say anything? My friends and I are nothing like this; if there is a problem, we say so. I dont understand the pussy footing nonsense like this.

I'm part of a similar group, we all did the same degree and were friends at university. I shared a room with one of them, and we were also part of another friendship group separately. When we want to discuss issues from that aspect of our past, we drop out of the group and do it separately, it's onlt polite. Not because it's confidential, but because it's boring and irrelevant for tge others and diverts the chat.

@hopeishere

Why would you find it irritating if your partner was in a group chat with their friends? It isnt anything to do with you. Your partner is allowed to have a group chat which you are not invited to. When you've got a close knit group of old friends, partners do not need to be included. Why do you say it would be annoying? Are you controlling in this aspect?

I understand why you didn't want to say anything but I think if you/the others make excuses and start floundering around, the message is in danger of getting lost and feelings getting hurt.

It's fair enough and, if I were the wife, I wouldn't take offence at all. I might even be relieved, because I'm sure she likes you as much as you like her but the group ethos must have been really clear and she'd be a fish out of water.

Bite the bullet, be honest - and speed is of the essence in getting your group back. You really have nothing to lose... but I understand the reticence. Good luck!

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

There probably isn't a solution that won't end with the woman and her wife being upset.

Personally I'd start a new group called "Industry Chat" and leave the wife out. If Woman With Wife asks to add Wife again, you can say "Oh we have Other Chat for that, this is for industry chat". Other Chat will die and Work Chat will go back to normal, potentially with Woman With Wife flouncing.

Good plan

Pmsl at the pp who called her wife-adder, she sounds like a snake :o
And I agree you're entitled to the group. Dh and I went to school together so his old friends are also mine (but I knew them less well). I wouldn't dream of being in his WhatsApp group with them, totally inappropriate, even though for work reasons I'm now closer to one of them than he is.

This would really irritate me, especially the chat between them, they live together, why on earth are they using a work group chat to communicate!

It's weird but I feel it is odd to say on the group chat when the wife is there?

Isn't it better to just tell the wife. I don't know.

I'm interested to see how they take it but of course it is weird especially when they are messaging each other end could just do that by personal messages!!

You acknowledge that she’s a nice person. She could become a good friend. Shame to push her and her partner away so quickly when a bit of tolerance, patience and diplomacy could solve the problem.

But we had been talking about my miscarriage in depth, I don’t want to talk about that with her. She could become a good friend but she isn’t my good friend now and I don’t want to develop a friendship whilst in desperate need of support from friends of nearly two decades.
The same goes, I’m sure of the woman in our group going through her marriage break down.
She is lovely, yes.
Am I friendly with her, yes.
Do I want to share deeply personal information with her, no.

YANBU OP. I wouldn't be prepared to talk about personal things with someone I don't know as well. Your friend has ch aged the dynamics of the group.

@MyLittleOrangutan

Leave that group and set up a new group without partner. Can you set it so only the group admin can add new people?

that sounds like the easiest solution.

And also add all your partners to the current group to make the point.

Add partners and then set up a second girls only group

Just a thought I'd others are added to this group - does it mean they can see all the 'back chat' ? I mean previous messages if this has gone on for years? In which case I would be careful who is added. If you decide to let it drop id work out who is admin and actually delete the group. You don't want anything someone said ages ago coming back to haunt them...

@LittleOwl153

Just a thought I'd others are added to this group - does it mean they can see all the 'back chat' ? I mean previous messages if this has gone on for years? In which case I would be careful who is added. If you decide to let it drop id work out who is admin and actually delete the group. You don't want anything someone said ages ago coming back to haunt them...

Not if it’s WhatsApp. Instagram you can, not sure about other platforms.

I agree. Have a word with some friends out of the group. All add your other halves to this group and create a separate group for just the friends. Your choice if you invite the original friend. I wouldn't if you think she's just going to add her wife again.