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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you would be upset about this group chat situation?

183 replies

BlackBucketOfCheese · 11/03/2021 21:52

I’m in a group chat with loads of women who did the same degree. We all went on to do the same kinds of jobs and often need support as it is very stressful. It is nice having a group who understand the work situation and the terminology and they have always been a very supportive group with no in fighting and lots of great, sisterly, fun, feminist chat. We are a close group.

During the pandemic the group has thrived and we have all helped each other out in a variety of ways. From home birth emergencies, child care, financially, picking up shopping, staying up to talk through upsetting issues and generally getting each other through the days of the pandemic.

We have all mentioned how positive it has been and how much we have all gained from it.

Last week one of the women added her wife. And since then the group has all but fallen to pieces. She doesn’t understand the terminology (fair enough it isn’t her job) but it means a lot gets lost in translation or many of us have to explain detailed things which are impossible to understand fully without our training. The rest of us can use an
acronym and we all understand.
The worst part of it all is they have back and forth couple-y chats all the time. I’ll pick up my phone and see dozens of WhatsApp messages and they are between this couple discussing what to have for dinner or what on telly.

Many of us also discuss very personal things which we would only share with people we know - rape, miscarriage, marital issues, work troubles and now we have this stranger inserted into our conversation.

Most other conversation has dried up and a life line to that sisterly gang seems to have broken off.

My DH thinks I’m being unreasonable to be upset about this, AIBU?

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 11/03/2021 22:49

I had this with a long standing group of friends. The wife of a member was added during covid so she could be part of the chat and it changed the dynamic. Very difficult situation to avoid hurting this old friend and their wife....

HotPenguin · 11/03/2021 22:49

I agree that the admin, if she is brave enough, should just delete the wife and say in a breezy way sorry that wasn't really working with all the chat about what to have for dinner.

louderthan · 11/03/2021 23:07

Jeez yanbu. Just make a new group and don't add either of them!

Itsokthanks · 11/03/2021 23:12

Really odd. Was the conversation between the two of them a mistake, maybe not meant for the group chat? If not I think you'll need to make a new group.

CherryTwin · 11/03/2021 23:32

It's bizarre that she added her wife. Totally bizarre!

blubberyboo · 11/03/2021 23:40

If you start a new group you will be admin and decide who gets added.

Call it “work”

HollowTalk · 11/03/2021 23:41

Ugh this is like women who bring their husband or daughter along on a night out "because they would like it"

Mummaofboys93 · 11/03/2021 23:43

I do find it bizarre & I would feel the same way as you OP. Perhaps the wife felt left out or jealous?

I'd do either of 3 things.

First if you're brave enough, I'd just put a very honest message in the GC. Saying, since x wife has been added I feel the dynamic of the group has changed & I personally don't feel comfortable discussing some of the previous personal things we once discussed anymore. Then say no offence to x but I am missing the support & just general chat.

Secondly I'd make another GC & start adding some of the girls & explain why you've made a new one.

Thirdly I'd talk to whoever is admin.

Krazynights34 · 11/03/2021 23:43

I’m going to probably upset the general view here..
The wife was approved to join..?
I’m only saying that because it was either a misjudged attempt at good inclusion or an in your face move by the original member..
I’ve just been on the receiving end of something like this, so I’d advise caution.
In my case, there’s a group of women that know each other very well, in my village. Years ago, we all socialised, in pubs, each other’s houses, with DH’s/DWs etc.
Since my maternity life went tits up I was eased out. Fine.
During lockdown one, they reignited a group chat. Great.
They forgot to add me to one group chat that had obviously been going for months and I suspect, accidentally added me.
The other day I literally just had enough and told them I’m not going to be part of the chat anymore.
All the “are you ok hun” came out.
I’m not answering.
Do the wife a favour- be honest. She’ll see through anything else

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/03/2021 00:48

" I’ll pick up my phone and see dozens of WhatsApp messages and they are between this couple discussing what to have for dinner or what on telly."

Now for me, that's an 'in' - an opportunity to address the situation. As in, I'd respond to it. Probably along the lines of

'WTF? There's me getting hopeful of conversation, what with the dozens of messages, I open the App and - all the messages are you two discussing dinner? Disappointed.'

It might be too much at this point to add 'I miss how this group used to run.'

You (and the others) need to bring it to their attention that they are changing the dynamic. It's only been a week and they're treating it like a private channel!

And stop explaining things to her! If she asks, bat it back with 'probably quicker if your wife explains what we're on about'. You are not her tutors!

CustardyCreams · 12/03/2021 00:58

Definitely everyone else add partners, and simultaneously set up a new for work-y chat,. Make sure you do post on both groups - “oh I saw this on Netflix, had to recommend it” vs the work/private stuff on the other chat.

I would also note, your friend has is very likely been sharing all your private chats with her partner, and thought, you know what she may as well just join.

ElizaLaLa · 12/03/2021 01:09

@BlackBucketOfCheese

I’m in a group chat with loads of women who did the same degree. We all went on to do the same kinds of jobs and often need support as it is very stressful. It is nice having a group who understand the work situation and the terminology and they have always been a very supportive group with no in fighting and lots of great, sisterly, fun, feminist chat. We are a close group.

During the pandemic the group has thrived and we have all helped each other out in a variety of ways. From home birth emergencies, child care, financially, picking up shopping, staying up to talk through upsetting issues and generally getting each other through the days of the pandemic.

We have all mentioned how positive it has been and how much we have all gained from it.

Last week one of the women added her wife. And since then the group has all but fallen to pieces. She doesn’t understand the terminology (fair enough it isn’t her job) but it means a lot gets lost in translation or many of us have to explain detailed things which are impossible to understand fully without our training. The rest of us can use an
acronym and we all understand.
The worst part of it all is they have back and forth couple-y chats all the time. I’ll pick up my phone and see dozens of WhatsApp messages and they are between this couple discussing what to have for dinner or what on telly.

Many of us also discuss very personal things which we would only share with people we know - rape, miscarriage, marital issues, work troubles and now we have this stranger inserted into our conversation.

Most other conversation has dried up and a life line to that sisterly gang seems to have broken off.

My DH thinks I’m being unreasonable to be upset about this, AIBU?

Set up a new group and add everyone except the one that added her wife. Leave them to the other group.
BaggoMcoys · 12/03/2021 01:11

The strangest part of this for me is that your friend and her wife are using it to discuss their dinner plans. I'm sure they could talk to each other at home, or message each other privately. It seems like such a weird thing to do.

FireflyRainbow · 12/03/2021 01:13

Add your husbands/wifes and do the same. See how they like it.

thosetalesofunexpected · 12/03/2021 04:02

Start a new off shoot group for shop talk stuff etc only invite the others over except those two of course.

ExtraordinaryQuince · 12/03/2021 05:18

@Notaroadrunner

Could a few of you add your Dh's? This will probably bring an end to the group. Then one of you can start up the original again and suggest it's just for the college group as partners didn't seem to understand the terminology etc.
This is a good idea.
YukoandHiro · 12/03/2021 06:15

Adding DHs is a good idea but I they're anything like mine they'll leave after one day if they see any inane what's for dinner/on Netflix chat...

HeartsAndClubs · 12/03/2021 06:23

I agree start a new group.

And I agree with PP, she’s probably been showing her wife all your private conversations anyway, so based on that assumption I’d have no qualms in excluding them both.

HeartsAndClubs · 12/03/2021 06:25

And I wouldn’t add dh’s. Reality is that this would probably cause the whole dynamic to disintegrate entirely and there would be no coming back from it.

At least if it’s only one member you’re having to exclude it’s easy to resurrect the dynamic you had.

pictish · 12/03/2021 06:49

Unless one of you is prepared to address it directly, it’s probably the end of your group. What a shame. It was silly of the person to add their wife.
Is anyone tight enough with that individual to raise it sensitively?

FishWithoutABike · 12/03/2021 07:00

Find an excuse to set up a new group. Maybe to discuss a planned socially distant garden party next month on date she can’t attend or to talk about arranging her birthday present. Then slowly fade over to that new one.

MindyStClaire · 12/03/2021 10:25

I would favour two of the options already mentioned:

"Ah here you two, there was me getting excited for a bit of chat and it's just you two talking about dinner. Grin Now, what does everyone think of

Howshouldibehave · 12/03/2021 10:32

Or, as has been suggested, add the other partners. "Now that the lovely Anne has joined, let's add our partners and have this chat for the lighthearted stuff, I know John could use it! I'll set up a separate chat for the boring work stuff." then get a few of the partners in to keep the bigger chat going for a couple of weeks before it naturally fades away

Not a bad solution tbh.

WombatWomb · 12/03/2021 10:44

@HollowTalk

Ugh this is like women who bring their husband or daughter along on a night out "because they would like it"

I hate when that happens.

Original poster
BlackBucketOfCheese · 12/03/2021 10:48

I woke up this morning to raise it and it had been a lot of the two of them sharing links to various houses on Rightmove (Tbf we do often drool at property in the group but this was different) and two of the other members had left. I feel like something is brewing because one of them keeps typing a message to me on WhatsApp and then deleting it.

OP posts:
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