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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if you would be upset about this group chat situation?

183 replies

BlackBucketOfCheese · 11/03/2021 21:52

I’m in a group chat with loads of women who did the same degree. We all went on to do the same kinds of jobs and often need support as it is very stressful. It is nice having a group who understand the work situation and the terminology and they have always been a very supportive group with no in fighting and lots of great, sisterly, fun, feminist chat. We are a close group.

During the pandemic the group has thrived and we have all helped each other out in a variety of ways. From home birth emergencies, child care, financially, picking up shopping, staying up to talk through upsetting issues and generally getting each other through the days of the pandemic.

We have all mentioned how positive it has been and how much we have all gained from it.

Last week one of the women added her wife. And since then the group has all but fallen to pieces. She doesn’t understand the terminology (fair enough it isn’t her job) but it means a lot gets lost in translation or many of us have to explain detailed things which are impossible to understand fully without our training. The rest of us can use an
acronym and we all understand.
The worst part of it all is they have back and forth couple-y chats all the time. I’ll pick up my phone and see dozens of WhatsApp messages and they are between this couple discussing what to have for dinner or what on telly.

Many of us also discuss very personal things which we would only share with people we know - rape, miscarriage, marital issues, work troubles and now we have this stranger inserted into our conversation.

Most other conversation has dried up and a life line to that sisterly gang seems to have broken off.

My DH thinks I’m being unreasonable to be upset about this, AIBU?

OP posts:

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 12/03/2021 10:53

There probably isn't a solution that won't end with the woman and her wife being upset.

Personally I'd start a new group called "Industry Chat" and leave the wife out. If Woman With Wife asks to add Wife again, you can say "Oh we have Other Chat for that, this is for industry chat". Other Chat will die and Work Chat will go back to normal, potentially with Woman With Wife flouncing.

Outbutnotoutout · 12/03/2021 11:14

It's dieing a death, start a new group

Somethingsnappy · 12/03/2021 11:15

I totally agree with the above poster. If you still have the old group that includes the wife, there should technically be no offence take.

karala · 12/03/2021 11:22

I think people should be more direct and ask them to keep personal chat off the group -

NoGoodPunsLeft · 12/03/2021 11:26

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

There probably isn't a solution that won't end with the woman and her wife being upset.

Do this!

Others are clearly pissed off as well so do it soon before the group is irreparably damaged

jillandhersprite · 12/03/2021 11:27

I would take this approach - and I would call it out on the main group...
Guys - as this group seems to have moved on, can I suggest that we keep this as our general group and we can all add on our partners and keep the conversation general. But I am really missing our xxx specific chat. I don't want to be backhanded or secretive about this - but if anyone else wants an outlet for that as well then let me know and maybe we can have a xxx specific group.
Initially keep that group quite xxx specific and not on general topics so partners understand why they aren't in it and then see if it naturally evolves into the safe space it once was that allows you to go abit beyond your xxx topic...
Hope that makes sense using the xxx's as I don't know your original interest...

Brefugee · 12/03/2021 11:29

I think you need to be honest. And set up a new group chat, invite all the others from before, including the one who added her wife - but be very clear that it is for the 12 of you.

You can keep both chats going if you like, but by the sound of it , only friend and wife will use the other one.

but be upfront and honest, it's the only way

MazekeenSmith · 12/03/2021 11:33

Just start a new group. Add all the original members bar the woman whose wife was added and come up with a plan together of how to broach it with her.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 12/03/2021 11:34

I think if she does send you a WhatsApp direct, then that's your chance to be honest about it.

Sounds very odd.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 12/03/2021 11:37

@jillandhersprite

I would take this approach - and I would call it out on the main group... Guys - as this group seems to have moved on, can I suggest that we keep this as our general group and we can all add on our partners and keep the conversation general. But I am really missing our xxx specific chat. I don't want to be backhanded or secretive about this - but if anyone else wants an outlet for that as well then let me know and maybe we can have a xxx specific group. Initially keep that group quite xxx specific and not on general topics so partners understand why they aren't in it and then see if it naturally evolves into the safe space it once was that allows you to go abit beyond your xxx topic... Hope that makes sense using the xxx's as I don't know your original interest...

I'd do this. I think it's going to be hard to find a solution that doesn't today the woman and her wife, but I think this has the best chance by being upfront.

I'd also message the 2 who have left and ask if they're ok, tell them this is what you plan to do and ask what they think

Notaroadrunner · 12/03/2021 11:39

Ah that's a pity that the original group are starting to leave, but not a bit surprising. A bit too late to start adding other partners now I suppose in an attempt to fizzle out the group chat. Who is the admin? I think you need to message the admin and ask that they either tell this woman that it's not working with her wife in the group so she is deleting her, or set up a new group. Either way the woman might be a bit put but she only has herself and her clingy wife to blame.

Ikora · 12/03/2021 11:40

I bloody hate the whole couple chatting in group chats crap, it’s like they need to let everyone know they are a couple, newsflash everyone already knows as your married.

It was hugely unreasonable. Start a new group.

Blacktothepink · 12/03/2021 11:41

Start a new group without them 🤣

DarlingWithoutYou · 12/03/2021 11:46

Which one of you in the gang is the least afraid of confrontation? Get them to message her with the truth- that her wife in the group has changed the dynamic and we all think it's best if she left.

MindyStClaire · 12/03/2021 11:49

If other people are leaving I'd set up another group asap before the friendships are lost.

scaredsadandstuck · 12/03/2021 11:51

The fact that two people have left the chat is going to send a very clear signal that adding the wife has not worked out well. Hopefully you can set up a new group and pick up where you left off. Although I'm dying to know if you've heard anything yet from those who left or either members of the couple?

Sahm101 · 12/03/2021 11:52

It seems like such a wonderful group tp be a part of. This friend was completely in the wrong to bring her partner. I'm pretty sure if someone suggested their husband join, then they would have had a very clear no. It's just because she is a woman? So what, she doesn't have anything else in common to the group.
I would hate to lose such a lovely group, so before that happens a new group needs to be created. And before you add this woman, make it clear to her that her wife isn't allowed. The audacity of her to do this Even if she asked !

Howshouldibehave · 12/03/2021 11:53

@BlackBucketOfCheese

I woke up this morning to raise it and it had been a lot of the two of them sharing links to various houses on Rightmove (Tbf we do often drool at property in the group but this was different) and two of the other members had left. I feel like something is brewing because one of them keeps typing a message to me on WhatsApp and then deleting it.

Who is trying to message you-one of the couple or one of the original friends??

I’d message whoever it was with, ‘this is all getting a bit strange, isn’t it?!’

MargaretThursday · 12/03/2021 11:55

Message the two who have left and ask if they'd like to be in a group with you.

FlyNow · 12/03/2021 11:55

I'd hate this! I'd start a new chat with 3-4 of the people you are closest to, and if it gets going add more people over time.

Rollmopsrule · 12/03/2021 11:58

I think this could be easily solved just by asking people to keep personal messages to each other off the group chat. They may get pissed off and leave or realise their error. Either way the group chat is restored.

justanotherneighinparadise · 12/03/2021 11:59

Well the group is dead now isn’t it. That’s the truth of the matter.

Mylovelyhorsee · 12/03/2021 12:10

Start an off shoot group. For sure.

combatbarbie · 12/03/2021 12:23

If 2 have left I'd assume there is another group being formed. Just message the one that you think has been trying to message you, keep it breezy "are you writing me a novel"

To be honest she's probably trying to say what your thinking without coming across as a bitch.....

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/03/2021 12:25

It sounds very difficult, OP.

I've been nodding at the suggestions for off-shoot group and adding husbands/whatever but am now thinking they wouldn't achieve what you want.

What might achieve it is an e-mail to all of your group (not wife) - including the two who have already left, saying essentially what's in your post, that you don't want the fantastic support you all had in each other to be lost - and tell wife-adder to remove her wife, explain that it's the only way and you're being upfront about it.

Straddling two groups - one of them a pseudo - is not going to work. Be straight about it.

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