to ask if you would be upset about this group chat situation?

[BlackBucketOfCheese]

I’m in a group chat with loads of women who did the same degree. We all went on to do the same kinds of jobs and often need support as it is very stressful. It is nice having a group who understand the work situation and the terminology and they have always been a very supportive group with no in fighting and lots of great, sisterly, fun, feminist chat. We are a close group.

During the pandemic the group has thrived and we have all helped each other out in a variety of ways. From home birth emergencies, child care, financially, picking up shopping, staying up to talk through upsetting issues and generally getting each other through the days of the pandemic.

We have all mentioned how positive it has been and how much we have all gained from it.

Last week one of the women added her wife. And since then the group has all but fallen to pieces. She doesn’t understand the terminology (fair enough it isn’t her job) but it means a lot gets lost in translation or many of us have to explain detailed things which are impossible to understand fully without our training. The rest of us can use an
acronym and we all understand.
The worst part of it all is they have back and forth couple-y chats all the time. I’ll pick up my phone and see dozens of WhatsApp messages and they are between this couple discussing what to have for dinner or what on telly.

Many of us also discuss very personal things which we would only share with people we know - rape, miscarriage, marital issues, work troubles and now we have this stranger inserted into our conversation.

Most other conversation has dried up and a life line to that sisterly gang seems to have broken off.

My DH thinks I’m being unreasonable to be upset about this, AIBU?

#awkward
God I hate it when couples message each other publicly over social media when you know they are probably in the same house as each other but to do it’s over a WhatsApp group?! Hell no. YANBU.

The person whose wife has joined will have seen 2 members leave and then be re-added? Surely it won’t take much for them to connect the dots.

Keep it breezy. Along the lines of ‘sorry [friend whose wife has joined] I didn’t get a chance to respond re [wife] joining but I think it would be better to keep this group just us otherwise all our partners will want to join and it will totally change the dynamic’. Or similar.

Once this is sorted, I would suggest you make a new rule that no-one just joins the group without a quorum decision - not just a couple of reluctant to offend people half-heartedly saying yes. If there's 12 of you, all bloody 12 should be happy enough with any change - not just this one woman who has upset the balance of the group by inviting her partner in.

That would seriously annoy me too Op. You need to speak up or set up a separate group, either way your original group is essentially 'lost'.

Oh wow, this is the equivalent of someone bringing their partner on ‘girls night’ and it totally changing the group vibe and it not being fun at all-I often wonder what the crasher and partner gets out of these experiences, do they not realise that it is only tolerated and that invites will suddenly dry up. I feel for you, as their is nothing you can do do without being the unreasonable one.

I’m sure someone has said this but just set a new group of 11 up, excluding the spouse and also the friend who wants the spouse on there.

That way you can use the new group for private stuff and continue to use the old group for stuff you don’t mind the spouse seeing.

This sounds like something a man would do ... trampling over your safe space like a husband whose brought on a girls night out. I would be angry rather that embarrassed or worried about hurting anyone's feelings. Guaranteed the other 11 are also thinking WTF.

You had the opportunity to say no when she asked. I think the only non bitchy way forward is to be honest. If you see back and forth chat address it. "Erm friend/wife, I think you accidentally posted to the wrong chat here, you're in the group chat (monkey covering eyes)" if they continue then remind them that they're in the same house.
As far as work stuff goes a quick "wife will explain" should suffice. She knows the acronyms, can either explain in person, make a crib sheet or use her time explaining in the chat.

sounds insensitive and very awkward, I hope its resolved soon OP 🌺

How can all of you just sit there and not say anything? And the 2 that just up and left; that's the worse way they could deal with it.

It's an awkward conversation and nobody wants to cause offence...I get it.

The I'd probably leave the group or have it on mute permanently.

11 grown women and not one of you has the backbone to say anything?

You're missing that it's a bit of a tricky issue. It's not about not having a backbone at all.

My friends and I are nothing like this; if there is a problem, we say so. I dont understand the pussy footing nonsense like this.

Do you not see that individuals are all different in character and don't deal with issues the same way? Or you expect everyone to behave as you and your friends would?

People generally don't want to cause offence and will avoid it if possible.

You had the opportunity to say no when she asked.

OP has explained this is nothing exactly the case.

I'd message the group and say, guys, we really don't want to include partners in this group as the rest of us know each other a long time and want to provide support to each other as we are comfortable with each other by now. We don't think X should be in the group anymore, as we can't discuss things freely and also it's cluttering up the messages with chats between a couple.

I don’t think there was anything wrong in her adding her wife as such she wanted to join in but they were told ok as long as not too coupley .
Having chats between them about what’s for tea etc is silly . I’m in a couple of WhatsApp groups one a family one with dh but I wouldn’t have chats between just us on that .
It’s all very odd and needs addressing so like you say you will all need to agree and say only way it work if she doesn’t do this and also with not understanding about the job why can’t she just speak to her wife about that.
It’s like any profession and you add a partner and you are talking the lingo and the other person is asking what’s that . I’d be like ffs you were only added to be nice it doesn’t actually involve you .

I would set up a new chat group called "work chat" and if she asks to add her wife avian, say no this ones for work issues only, shes already on the social group chat. Make sure you tell the others to say the same and not :yes".

Again not avian!!!

Yikes this is horribly awkward, I really feel for you.

Look, despite what some are saying here about just booting her out, IRL we don't do those things. If it was an actual work group, or a hobby group, with hard and fast rules, then yes. But with what is essentially just a friends chat, it's very hard to do that without hurting and offending people and losing friends for life.

I have a 7-year-long chat with old school friends, we have shared everything from miscarriage, abortion, divorce, depression, bereavement (as well as a billion laughs) and it would kill it dead if a new user was added, however nice they were.

I think honestly the only thing you can do is set up a group without this friend and her wife. Maybe it's 'sneaky' but you've been pushed into a corner.

[quote AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan]@hopeishere

Why would you find it irritating if your partner was in a group chat with their friends? It isnt anything to do with you. Your partner is allowed to have a group chat which you are not invited to. When you've got a close knit group of old friends, partners do not need to be included. Why do you say it would be annoying? Are you controlling in this aspect?[/quote]
@AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan no I'm not controlling but I can imagine sitting beside someone whose phone is constantly pinging and they're tapping away and chuckling and constantly focused on their phone could be irritating. That's why I asked was it get active.

Speak to a few others then speak to friend. She may throw her toys out of the pram and you end up with a separate grp with the others anyway.
I feel for you, DW and I are careful about this sort of thing because it’s easier sometimes to cross that line when you are both women, having ‘girls’ drinks and stuff like that with school
Parents for example which aren’t really ‘girls’ drinks more - leave your husband/boyfriend at home drinks so we can talk about things it’s easier to talk about without a partner there...

DW has a grp chat with women from her hobby, a hobby I also take part in, where they ping each other all the time and although I know them and go to the same club I wouldn’t dream of encroaching and being asked to be added into something which is her thing. Even tho if it was just me at that club I might well be on the WA grp.
Everyone needs there own space, and I can’t imagine how irritating it is to have 2 people having a convo about this dinner or whatever that’s just between them.

Move the group to Signal on privacy concerns and set it up again with strict rules that it's for medics only (or whatever).

I think I’d message original member privately to say 2 people dropped out due to the constant stream of personal messages between her and her wife. Creating an off shoot group means the wife will probably be added again!

Weird, the same thing happened to my hobby group Whatsapp, the wife of a member was added. I was like wtf? What has she to do with this group? Bizarre.

Good luck Op, it’s a minefield!

We tried to diplomatically bring the subject up this lunch time. 30 mins after our group discussion the wife-adder and her wife left.

It’s so sad that our honesty led to this.

I think that was probably inevitable. Give it a bit of time and hopefully the adder will feel able to come back to the group

I don't think there was a way to bring it up nicely as they weren't going to like it. The friend who added the wife should have properly asked what you all thought before adding the wife. Clearly she didn't care.

Hope you get the others back on the chat returns to what it was!