To not host my ex in laws for parties and Christmas etc anymore

[cadburyegg]

Husband and I separated in November, he moved out. We have 2 young DC, age 6 and 3. DC live with me. For Christmas, partly because it was so soon after the seperation, but also because of the restrictions, we agreed to have Christmas day as it would normally be, so he came over and spent all day here, then my mum and his parents came over in the afternoon and we cooked etc for them.

The thing is every Christmas - and this one was no different - its always me left in the kitchen doing the food and loading the dishwasher and everyone else sitting round eating and playing with the children. I barely saw my children at all. My mum did bring dessert, but in laws didn't lift a finger. They never have done.

I am sick of it and now husband and I are separated I don't see why I should be doing it. My mum implied that - obviously post covid/in line with restrictions - i should be hosting my in laws for all birthday parties, and Christmas and every celebration like we did when we were still together. I don't want to and don't see why I should be expected to. She said it would be "better for the children".

AIBU?

Fuck that!

Your mother doesn’t realise it’s 2021 and women don’t have to be doormats anymore. Who knows at some point you might have someone new in your life and you’ll hardly need to be hosting the dusty old ex and in laws.

Kids can alternate who they spend Xmas with like the vast majority of the kids of divorced parents do!

hahaha. I love this. Of course you are not being unreasonable to say no. Of course, there is the downside that you will most likely have to share christmas and other holidays with your ex so he will have them one year and you the next, and you might not be willing to do that. But, assuming you can make it work, I absolutely agree that there is no reason for you to be hosting big family events for your in laws any more if you don't want to.

If your ex wants a family thing then he can host it

I wouldn't do xmas with my ex in laws but if you have one of the kid's birthday parties with lots of other people there, then I would invite them because you wouldn't have to wait on them hand and foot.

Maybe your DM can host and cook for you all this Christmas? ExILs and all. Tell her you'll bring dessert.

No!

No way! You will have to alternate Christmas, as is only fair, but no you are not obligated to continue to be taken advantage of by a family that you divorced.

It wouldn't be better for the children to be in a tense environment where people are taking advantage of their mum and she resents it but won't stand up for herself.

No!

And no again!

Maybe next year if he has a new girlfriend you can invite her for Xmas day too and wait on her hand and foot, making their Xmas all together with your kids (that you don’t see due to waiting on everyone) extra lovely.

What a stupid suggestion, your not there for everyone else and I’d nip that in the bud next Christmas now you have the chance.

100% says YANBU.
It's their Dads job to facilitate relationship with his parent's, not yours.
Otherwise you might as well still be together.
Do give him plenty of notice it won't be happening.

Let your mother host them 🤷🏻‍♀️
Or XPIL can host.

If it’s that important for the children, hell your ex can host. (not that I’d be wanting to go if I were you! But please so point out to your mum that it’s not exactly you or there’s no-one 🤷🏻‍♀️)

LOL I can barely manage a family event with existing in-laws. Defo no to ex anything!

Nope
No need for you to do that ever again

Honestly, I would love you to ask your mum why their dad can’t host him own parents.

I dont think that's unreasonable. It's your exs responsability to maintains the kids relationship with his parents. What will be the plan for Christmas going forward? Will you be alternating or splitting Christmas day or will you ex continue to come to yours.
I think if you allow ex to come to yours it may cause issues if you then ban his parents. I k ow of 1 family where the ex kept going to the mothers for Christmas and she hated it. She got to the point where she flatly refused to cook and that family now go to a restraunt for Christmas. If you plan on splitting them then hos responsability to arrange to see his parents either on the real christmases he has them or the fake Christmas on your year.

In terms of parties it depends as kids get older they want their friends at their parties more so then grandparents so that may be a mute point. Do what your comfortable with.

Yabu to even consider doing anything at all for any of them!!

YANBU! At all! I don't think I've even spoken to my former in laws in the seven years since I've been separated from their son, never mind hosted them. I facilitate contact with my side of the family, he facilitates contact with his. Simples! We do take turns to have ds for Christmas though, and the other has new years. And ds usually gets two birthday celebrations.

She said it would be "better for the children". - what would be even better for your children would be for them to see you also enjoy their birthdays, Christmas and other occasions with them, rather than being absent in the kitchen. Unless you want them to grow up with the idea that women do all the cooking and cleaning and organising then this needs to be hit on the head now. To be honest, I don't understand why you have allowed this to develop though? Surely you can stand up for yourself and allocate dishes to people in advance and when the meal is over hand dishes etc to people to carry through and simply tell people who is in charge of washing-up, drying etc.

Your mother really doesn't get a say in it. It would be a hell no from me. Also, you shouldn't have to be the one cooking for everyone every year.

Ha ha ha ha! Fuck No!

Sounds like your mum likes their company and doesn't want it to change. Well tough luck, you shouldn't have to host everyone now.

Just tell her it isn't going to work like that.

If you and your ex get on well for the sake of your kids, then well done for hosting them and been all together for the children. I can see where your mam is coming from and it is all in the best interest of the children.
If your ex is keen to keep doing this with his parents, then he needs to help with the dinner and clean up. then you are able to spend time with children and family also. this would be something you need to address with him for family events going forward.
I personally have seen friends and their ex's work this out brilliantly. Happier environment for all when it does work.

Why can't your ex do the hosting and invite both sets of parents.

Your mum means it’s better for everyone, but you, and you don’t count as it’s your job to make everyone else’s life easier...

It’s actually not better for your children either. People pretending nothing’s changed post a split is unhelpful and confusing as they’re trying to adapt. Clean structure, schedules, boundaries are much more mature and sustainable.

Absolutely not, it's so unfair on you @cadburyegg when they are quite happy to come and sit on their arses whilst your running around. No, this year you begin to make new Christmas memory's with your children minus all the hassle!