To not host my ex in laws for parties and Christmas etc anymore

[cadburyegg]

Husband and I separated in November, he moved out. We have 2 young DC, age 6 and 3. DC live with me. For Christmas, partly because it was so soon after the seperation, but also because of the restrictions, we agreed to have Christmas day as it would normally be, so he came over and spent all day here, then my mum and his parents came over in the afternoon and we cooked etc for them.

The thing is every Christmas - and this one was no different - its always me left in the kitchen doing the food and loading the dishwasher and everyone else sitting round eating and playing with the children. I barely saw my children at all. My mum did bring dessert, but in laws didn't lift a finger. They never have done.

I am sick of it and now husband and I are separated I don't see why I should be doing it. My mum implied that - obviously post covid/in line with restrictions - i should be hosting my in laws for all birthday parties, and Christmas and every celebration like we did when we were still together. I don't want to and don't see why I should be expected to. She said it would be "better for the children".

AIBU?

Yanbu. After years of doing the Xmas dinner there’s no way I’d have my in-laws over at Xmas. I agree that it’s good for dc to see their grandparents but (after covid obviously) I would do it in a pub or invite them over to have sandwiches and cake.

Your mother was another one sat on her arse while you did all the work, so she doesn't get an opinion!

This is ludicrous, better to have alternate Christmas Days with DC.

God no! One of the huge upside of divorce is not entertaining your in laws on Xmas etc anymore! It’s down to your ex to facilitate. You’ll find once things settle you’ll alternate events like Xmas/birthdays or split the days too so won’t be an expectation to host everyone

@Blacktothepink

Fuck that!

^^ This

@Blacktothepink

Fuck that!

Thus. 😁

Bollocks to that OP, that's the beauty of divorce. You're divorcing him and his parents.

I'm sure your mum means well.... But no. Nope.

Good Lord!! No, you don’t have to do any of that stuff any more. Your Mum is wrong. If your ex-in-laws want to see the children at Christmas or on special occasions, your EXH can take them.

WTAF 😳 hell no ! He facilities contact for his side you for yours - you aren’t his wife/events planner anymore

Unless you’re going to continue having your ex over for Christmas then fuck that shit

Fuck that shit. Fuck it with jingle bells on.

ExDP and I split the day in half from around 2pm, he can do what he likes with DC and his family on his time.

Volunteer your mother to do it instead! I'm all for maintaining cordial relationships, but your ex in-laws sound lazy and entitled, so no thanks!

@Blacktothepink

Fuck that!

My thoughts exactly.

Absolutely fuck that. If you ex-ils were helpful then maybe. But sounds like they are not.

@unfortunateevents

She said it would be "better for the children". - what would be even better for your children would be for them to see you also enjoy their birthdays, Christmas and other occasions with them, rather than being absent in the kitchen. Unless you want them to grow up with the idea that women do all the cooking and cleaning and organising then this needs to be hit on the head now. To be honest, I don't understand why you have allowed this to develop though? Surely you can stand up for yourself and allocate dishes to people in advance and when the meal is over hand dishes etc to people to carry through and simply tell people who is in charge of washing-up, drying etc.

This!

Bollocks to that is the reply your looking for.

Eh? Why should you be hosting them for anything? Tbh though your mum sounds just as bad

If your ILs are friendly with you and do things like babysitting then I think that an invitation is warranted but if they are pretending that you don't exist right now then fuck that. Your ex can host a party for his side.

Another 'fuck that' from me. I think you have done enough skivvying about at Christmas.

I suggest that you divorce your mother too

I love when the first reply sums it up perfectly.

Yucky yucky yuck yuck. I send my exILs a Xmas card! My ex-H facilitates contact with his parents. I’m always pleased to hear about the fun DD had with that side of the family but no more events with ex-ILs for me

I'd tell my mum that if she's so keen for the iLs to be hosted 'for the children', she can host Xmas herself then.

Begin as you mean to go on. I understand why you did Xmas 2020 together, but from now on you and ex should host your own 'occasions'. It's far 'better for the children' to understand that they now have two homes and two families. Depending on the ages of the children I'd not want to put in their heads that you're all still 'one big happy family'.

Is your mother often prone to doing comedy skits ?

No chance.

My DP and his ex did this the first year, as similar to you the separation was recent. But since then, they have alternated who has the children for Christmas Day and they each spend whatever day they have with the children with their own families.

When we go to the IL's we help set the table, clear the table and with the washing up. From what you've said, I would be annoyed with the IL's just sitting around and not asking if you need any help

You could say to your ex that in future everybody needs to pitch in, if that doesn't happen then it will be the last time you host