To not host my ex in laws for parties and Christmas etc anymore

[cadburyegg]

Husband and I separated in November, he moved out. We have 2 young DC, age 6 and 3. DC live with me. For Christmas, partly because it was so soon after the seperation, but also because of the restrictions, we agreed to have Christmas day as it would normally be, so he came over and spent all day here, then my mum and his parents came over in the afternoon and we cooked etc for them.

The thing is every Christmas - and this one was no different - its always me left in the kitchen doing the food and loading the dishwasher and everyone else sitting round eating and playing with the children. I barely saw my children at all. My mum did bring dessert, but in laws didn't lift a finger. They never have done.

I am sick of it and now husband and I are separated I don't see why I should be doing it. My mum implied that - obviously post covid/in line with restrictions - i should be hosting my in laws for all birthday parties, and Christmas and every celebration like we did when we were still together. I don't want to and don't see why I should be expected to. She said it would be "better for the children".

AIBU?

I totally get that you did xmas as if you were together but this year try to think how you can do it differently. No one separated is expected to cook for ex and his family. A few hours popping in is one thing all day with dinner is something else..

The only person who matters here is you and in turn what makes your kids happy.

Before you respond think about what is in your best interests? Would you be happy not seeing your DC every other year? Happy with the DC until 2 pm Christmas Day or from Christmas Day. What would you do if you were without them on Christmas Day? What suits you best.

If it is easier for you to have him over then the cost and work has to be split between your family and his.

I have been a Christmas martyr for the past many years WRT my in-laws and last Christmas I threw my toys out of the pram and refused. Then Covid happened and it was cancelled anyway and so I have to do it all over again this year.

God no. Put your foot down. I'm still married to H and put my foot down on hosting his lazy entitled lot year after year.

Totally not

They get two parties for both parents /in laws

You do not host mil

I would host them for birthdays but xmas would be alternated.

Fuck no you are not being unreasonable! Why the hell should you host the lazy arseholes! You are well off out of it.

Nope. Up to your ex to sort access now

For the kids birthday parties yes but a definite no to everything else. Your exH should help with the birthday parties though.

Fuck no!

Surely the main benefit of being divorced is not having to do all the wife work anymore.

If it were better for the children, surely dad could want to do it?

Don't even host them for birthdays. Surely the bonus of divorce is being able to enjoy times with your dc stress free?
Ex is free to organise his time with his dc and his family...

I might for a child’s Birthday, one gathering - not at my house. No way would I be the Christmas fairy for every other person’s convenience. I really do think that’s an unrealistic expectation.

If your mum thinks it should be done 'for the children', then tell her she's welcome to host and do all the cooking and cleaning for them.

Otherwise, just stop. It's your ex's problem to sort now, not yours.

Is this a cultural thing? If you’re south asian remind your mum that in the event of a divorce the ‘normal’ thing would be for her to host the ex-in laws.

Nah. Make it clear now, there will be no more hosting but they're free to host as they like.

Whilst I hope your DC can continue to have a relationship with all of their grandparents, it does not mean them having to come for Christmas celebrations.

Of course you are under no obligation to host your ex in laws but maintaining good relationships is a positive thing for all. Christmas is tricky for all split families so if you can come up with a plan agreeable to all then it's a win win. Everyone bringing some of the food fir instance! Sounds like your dm is struggling with the changes herself, perhaps she's worried she won't see the kids at Christmas.

First Christmas after we separated I had exh over. This year was covid so he had one dd, I had the other (students who aren't allowed to travel between parents alas). Goodness knows next year, suspect one will go to her boyfriends and I get the other

When my parents separated, myself and my two brothers were all young adults. The first Christmas was exactly two months later, and my mother insisted on inviting her soon to be ex MIL, my grandmother, around...at the time I didn't understand why, she never came around at Christmas before the split, always spent it with her sister and her husband and her and my mother had always had a poor relationship. I think she only came because she felt sorry for us 'children'...it wasn't a great day, we had barely had a relationship with her beforehand anyway, she didn't stay very long thankfully and that was the last time I ever saw her!

You no longer have any obligation to your ex in laws. As other posters have pointed out, it is now down to your ex husband to facilitate any relationship they have with your children.

No, no a thousand times no. Personally I'd be having a Christmas morning with just me and the kids, dinner for just us and then visiting your parents in the afternoon. It doesn't sound like your parents do much either so it would be nice for you just to have dinner with your little family. Your ex can do whatever he wants when it's his turn to host Christmas

Your home,your rules.
intro a short straw does dishes event for them to play whilst you finish cook\serve
divorced husband-always still be dad,always same gps.

The first couple of Christmas' after I split with my ex I allowed him to stay over (separate room of course) so he could wake up with the kids because they were little. After that I'd ring him at about 4am and tell him to get to the house quick coz the kids were awake and I couldn't hold them back much longer.
They go to his house on Boxing Day and he no longer visits on Christmas Day. I certainly wouldn't of hosted for his Mum ... and I loved her to pieces but that was his job in his house!

I really dont know why people dont ask the lazy so and so's laying around to load the dishwasher and then complaining to random people on MN!

It is one thing having them over for a slice of cake for the child's birthday but no way should you be hosting them at Christmas. Split the day, alternate Christmas day and Boxing day ... work out something with your ex but whatever it is, they're his problem, not yours. It is his responsibility to make sure that your children see his parents on his time: it is not your job.

It is understandable what you did this year but I'd be thinking "Never again".

Suggest to her that the children should come to them on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day from now on.

Fuck that
No chance