To not host my ex in laws for parties and Christmas etc anymore

[cadburyegg]

Husband and I separated in November, he moved out. We have 2 young DC, age 6 and 3. DC live with me. For Christmas, partly because it was so soon after the seperation, but also because of the restrictions, we agreed to have Christmas day as it would normally be, so he came over and spent all day here, then my mum and his parents came over in the afternoon and we cooked etc for them.

The thing is every Christmas - and this one was no different - its always me left in the kitchen doing the food and loading the dishwasher and everyone else sitting round eating and playing with the children. I barely saw my children at all. My mum did bring dessert, but in laws didn't lift a finger. They never have done.

I am sick of it and now husband and I are separated I don't see why I should be doing it. My mum implied that - obviously post covid/in line with restrictions - i should be hosting my in laws for all birthday parties, and Christmas and every celebration like we did when we were still together. I don't want to and don't see why I should be expected to. She said it would be "better for the children".

AIBU?

@cadburyegg

Shamelessly dragging up this thread again because it's been playing on my mind a lot.

H has a new job which means he may well just get Christmas Day off (although he also has the 23 Dec off as holiday and we are doing a Santa visit with the kids that day). My dad died at the end of March and I refuse to let my mum spend the day alone (I am my mum's only child). It seems unfair to have just my mum and H over without the in laws, I refuse to cater for everyone again. I'm sure in laws will complain about not seeing the children Christmas Day too.

I honestly don't know what to do and it's making me feel a bit ill.

Suggestions as to what to do?

Why is it "unfair" not to host the inlaws?

You & their son are divorced.
If they want family time with their GC & son, they can arrange it themselves.
Stop facilitating this nonsense!
IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO PANDER TO YOUR EX's FAMILY.

I am sorry about your dad
Have your mum over, & have a lovely day.
If inlaws want to "complain about not seeing the children on christmas day", the person they need to take that up with is their SON, not their EXDiL.

Do you think this is making you feel ill because it's a hangover from all the frustration & distress of being taken for granted like this in the marriage?
You know there's only one solution to it.
You divorced for good reasons. Stick to them. This is no longer your job.

Your ex-inlaws can complain as much as they like. You don't need to listen. If they have the temerity to mither at you about it, just redirect them to their son.

Just have your mum over, your ex can see the children without you hosting him and you do not have to host anyone else.

[quote saltinesandcoffeecups]Sorry about your father.

I can see where you are coming from. If you decide to have them all over here’s what I would do.

1. Everyone is assigned a dish or dishes to bring. You do the main, mum gets dessert, PIL gets veggies, EH gets snacks, drinks, and whatever else.
2. ExH contributes to a preday cleaner
3. ExH is in charge of drinks on the day, mixing, pouring, serving, washing up, etc
4. Everyone is in charge of prepping/warming/serving/cleaning/disposing of their assignments
5. I would not do service family sit down style, instead buffet service
6. Tell everyone you plan for food to ‘served’ at whatever time, the turkey or whatever will be in the oven from X to Y time, so to plan around that for warming or whatever
7. Everything will help with post dinner cleanup. The men do the dishes, your Mum will clear tables gather glasses, xMIL will sort garbage, and you will do whatever else.

I agree with the start as you mean to go sentiment and now is a great time to break into new traditions. You will find out real quick how much it all means to everyone if they have to work for it. Just be very matter of fact with the expectations, but try not to turn into Marney 😉

noboringlessons.com/i-love-marney-the-thanksgiving-letter/[/quote]
FFS

& how much time is OP going to be spending herding cats as she tries to implement your 7-point plan on an unwilling audience with form for expecting her to do everything?

I can't believe how many PP are suggested some modified form of continuing to facilitate OP's ex-inlaws.

They are not her inlaws any more! They have their own home, they can arrange, WITH THEIR SON, they ins & outs of what Xmas time they have with the GC.
OP is no longer responsible for it.

Your ex-inlaws can complain as much as they like

Have the in laws complained?

As far as I have read, it’s the OP’s own mother that thinks OP should continuing hosting the whole lot of them!

It WOULD be nice for the kids to see all their adult family together at special celebrations. Your mum is right about that.

But that doesn't mean you have to be the host/ skivvy/ maid/ get worn out. I would contact all the adults and say " if we are all going to get together for Xmas, I would like to make some changes. For instance, I don't want to be the cook and bottle washer,. facing all the shoping/planning/cooking and clearing up on my own. Fair shares, everyone.

I would suggest we all go out for Christmas lunch at a nice hotel. We'd have to book it soon. Has anyone any better suggestions? "

Let your Mum and DH know (and he is to relay to the exPILs) that you are giving them just one chance to work out a better way; and if they won't step up, this will be the last time you host a big family Xmas.

If Christmas doesn't work out, then you have an opportunity to make radical changes to all the other celebrations.

Put the word out now that you won't be hosting this year but will happily bring DC to whoever invites you first or have a quiet Christmas with them at home.

See what the offers are. If they don't want to host, why should you?

Back in the 1970s I opted out of Christmas including gifts, cards and gatherings. I just wonder what people now get out of such occasions as they seem such an expensive hassle.

One of the positives of covid and the lockdowns is that it has given many families a space to rethink how they want to do things. That will incluve sprnding money they cannot afford on tat for dozens of relatives and getting more tat back. Also large stressful family gatherings where poor mum is trapped in the kitchen.

Is that what you want?

If no then get your big girls pants on and say NO to it. Concentrate on your own children and immediate relatives.

A perk of no longer being together is that all the trappings of the inlaws are no longer your problem.

He takes them on his day off and does Christmas with his family.

He doesn't have to be there on the day and watch them open presents and scoff Christmas food. He can do all of that on his "Christmas" day.

If your mum wants all these big parties then its about time she started organising, hosting and running around doing it. Having the exes family will come to a stop at some point anyway. Loads of jealous new potential partners who would not like this set up, you only have to read threads to see this becomes an issue that the exes are spending too much time together.

You are stuck in a mode of thinking that you are still together and that you have to martyr yourself. Is he thinking about you? Is he worried about your mum being alone at Christmas after losing her husband? Does he even think about it being your first Christmas without your dad? If not - why the hell are you still running around after him and taking on his and PIL's Christmas mental load.

Now is the time to set new and separate family traditions. Don't you want your kids to remember you being with them rather than exiled to maid service in the kitchen?

I'm just gob smacked that your own mum has said that you should still be hosting them!

@ChargingBuck please show me where I said though OP should host them…. Spoiler alert I didn’t… I did give her advice on how to do it if she wants, which apparently is still undecided based on the update post.

So in other words… Well never mind as I’m sure to finish that thought I’d be running afoul of guidelines.

Why can't mil host lunch and you and your mum leave after that?

I think it's absolute madness to suggest that you should be hosting your in-laws! I don't think you should host your ex either. Do not get into that habit. If your ex is off work on Christmas Day then maybe he can pick the children up after Christmas lunch and take them to his parents house for a visit. You could get a few hours of quiet time and could watch a festive film with your mum maybe.

@cadburyegg can you clarify, OP-is it only your mum who thinks you should be doing all this?

Thanks I appreciate the comments. Sorry I keep forgetting to come back to this thread . I’ll try to answer everything.

I spoke with my ex last week and he was very reasonable and said he wasn’t expecting me to host everyone. My mum still thinks I should consider hosting everyone cos it’s best for the children 😫 but I have said no. So yes it is just her who thinks this.

I have given a definite no now though.

I hope that ex will have Boxing Day off because then it will be easier for him to have them overnight on Christmas Day and it shouldn’t be such an issue. What I would like in that instance is to have Christmas morning here, my mum and ex can come over for lunch then my ex can take them to his parents and they can stay there. I mean it’s up to him where he takes them but I expect in laws will want to see them. I might possibly stay with mum that night if that happens.

As for in laws hosting, I haven’t been invited so 🤷‍♀️ I can’t invite myself.

I realise that ex could insist on having them Christmas Day and us alternate years. However, I think my eldest DC would kick up a fuss about that this year, he is very attached to me and I doubt he’d want to wake up on Christmas Day in a different house, even if it is at his dad’s. Obviously in the future things may be different

Definitely not!!
I would have thought that you and your ex DH take it in turns to have the children on Christmas day. When it's his turn he hosts his parents or they go to their house. When it's not his turn to have the children on Christmas day I have a 'fake' Christmas the weekend before ...

I wouldn't be cooking for ex. He could come in the afternoon, the kids could show him their toys and then he can take them??