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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not host my ex in laws for parties and Christmas etc anymore

292 replies

cadburyegg · 11/03/2021 15:35

Husband and I separated in November, he moved out. We have 2 young DC, age 6 and 3. DC live with me. For Christmas, partly because it was so soon after the seperation, but also because of the restrictions, we agreed to have Christmas day as it would normally be, so he came over and spent all day here, then my mum and his parents came over in the afternoon and we cooked etc for them.

The thing is every Christmas - and this one was no different - its always me left in the kitchen doing the food and loading the dishwasher and everyone else sitting round eating and playing with the children. I barely saw my children at all. My mum did bring dessert, but in laws didn't lift a finger. They never have done.

I am sick of it and now husband and I are separated I don't see why I should be doing it. My mum implied that - obviously post covid/in line with restrictions - i should be hosting my in laws for all birthday parties, and Christmas and every celebration like we did when we were still together. I don't want to and don't see why I should be expected to. She said it would be "better for the children".

AIBU?

OP posts:
katy1213 · 11/03/2021 16:26

It would be kind to send your ex a copy of Delia's Christmas - and let him get on with it. If he wants a big family get together, there's nothing to stop him inviting your parents.

Bibidy · 11/03/2021 16:26

Forgot to add, it's the same for birthdays and other occasions. The children to do one day with their mum and her side of the family, and one day with DP, me and his side.

thenewduchessofhastings · 11/03/2021 16:27

My DH has worked Xmas day for years.We have Xmas day on Boxing Day and have Xmas dinner at a pub;we're classy and go to the local farm house inn.

Your no longer together and it's no longer your job to facilitate your ex and his family on Xmas day.They all sound like a bunch of uncharitable lazy sods anyway.You're basically the cook,waitress and cleaner on Xmas day and no doubt you pay for it all and go buy it too.

Let your ex have the kids at his next Xmas;get him to pick them up at about 10am so you can open presents with them;let him bring them back in the evening;watch a Xmas movie and have hot chocolate before bed and on Boxing Day go with your mum and the kids to a pub.Let someone else cook and deal with the washing up and cleaning up.Also your mum can pay for her own meal then too.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 11/03/2021 16:28

If the children still get on with that side of the family, then yes it's nice for them to have all their family together some times. But that doesnt mean you have to martyr yourself. You can still meet up outside hosting them eg meet for a picnic, invite them over after lunch for a few hours, meet somewhere neutral like a restaurant and make clear everyone buys their own, or any other neutral type activity. You didnt have to host then and you dont have to host now. It's always fine to say that you're tired of doing everything and that if everyone comes to yours they're all going to be assigned roles eg bringing starter / pudding / drinks and clearing up etc

Happytentoes · 11/03/2021 16:28

I would find not hosting the in-laws the absolutely best part of any separation.
Your mother is nuts.

52andblue · 11/03/2021 16:30

I did this (hosting Ex, not inlaws too as too far away) for FOUR years after separation as a: kids ASD & hated change b) Ex is so rubbish I knew that if they went to him they'd have no gifts / barely edible food.

BUT ex got more and more lazy and rude. This year he was supposed to arrive at 10am to see them open gifts. Lunch at 2. He turned up at 2, my face was a picture & he walked back out again. Good riddance.

You don't have to do this. x

TheSpottedZebra · 11/03/2021 16:31

See, I also think fuck that, but then a part of me thinks that people I know who have done best post divorce (as kids) had both sides who still got on. And in fact where there wasnt always a split down the middle -2 birthdays, 2 xmases etc

So a birthday where all the family came could be a good thing forbthe dc. And if it was you hosting, of course you'd be able to say Marjorie and Dave, you bring a main course and some wine. Mum, you bring snacks etc- ex, you organise the cake. So the host isn't doing it all and no one is beholden.

Notaroadrunner · 11/03/2021 16:32

He's moved out. His family can see the kids when it's his turn to have them. They can have any celebrations then. No way in hell I'd be continuing with this nonsense of you having to cater for everyone.

Original poster
cadburyegg · 11/03/2021 16:32

Wow thanks for all the responses

Not to drip feed but a major reason behind the split was me being taken for granted, treated like a little housewife etc. So this suggestion takes the biscuit tbh! Ex and I get on well but that doesn’t mean I want to be hosting everything still. He has moved into a small 1 bedroom flat with no physical space to host more than about 4 people so I understand why he wouldn’t invite a lot of people round to him but there’s no reason why in laws can’t host them.

OP posts:
PilatesPeach · 11/03/2021 16:34

No, you have been their servant too long already OP.

TurquoiseDragon · 11/03/2021 16:34

@RedGoldAndGreene

If your ILs are friendly with you and do things like babysitting then I think that an invitation is warranted but if they are pretending that you don't exist right now then fuck that. Your ex can host a party for his side.
It doesn't matter if they are friendly with OP. OP can have her events how she likes, and if they've been sat on their arses all this time with OP not getting to spend much quality time with her own children, then it''s a nope from me.

Ex can host on his turns. It's how other people manage it.

OP, now that you are separated, it's worth putting in arrangements to create a sensible set of boundaries for the future. Make sure that you and your ex have a fair agreement for birthdays, Xmas, etc. He can then host his parents on his own time, and you drop the rope on wifework.

Hailtomyteeth · 11/03/2021 16:34

It used to be vomit-worthy popular a few years ago to say something about 'Starting new traditions'. In your case, I'd do that. Think about what you want and do it that way. Eg
Christmas day - you, your mum and the children at yours. Ask her what she intends to do to help so you get quality time with your children. If she has no answer, she can stay at home.
Boxing Day - dad and children hosted by pil

Alternate years if you like but ideally not.

With other celebrations, change the way its done, making sure it suits you.

EL8888 · 11/03/2021 16:35

Haha no. Love the mind sight that you need to do all of the wife work and drudgery even though you aren’t going to be his wife for a great deal longer. You did your turn last year so it’s other people’s turns for the next few years. Prepare to enjoy the food / drink then kick back. That’s what everyone else normally does

GladysTheGroovyMule · 11/03/2021 16:36

No fucking way would I be hosting for the ex’s parents anymore and if that’s your mother’s attitude I’d be seriously reconsidering whether she gets an invite herself!

It’s bad enough to martyr yourself but it’s a total pisstake to expect someone else to be a martyr. Cheek of it.

icdtap · 11/03/2021 16:36

Fuck that!!
And congratulations - I think this might be the first post in 2021 involving Christmas and cheeky fuckers.

Don't even think about some kind of compromise "I'll only do it if everyone pitches in" because they won't.
And what happens when you meet someone else?
It is up to your ex to make sure the children still have contact with his parents and his side of the family and to make Christmas arrangements with them.
Meanwhile, you decide what you want to do at Christmas and stick to it.

pictish · 11/03/2021 16:37

Um...no.

PurpleHoodie · 11/03/2021 16:39

Wait until (if you want to) you get a new boyfriend/partner.

They are all going to go apeshit. Including your mum.

Heatherjayne1972 · 11/03/2021 16:41

No. If he wants a family Christmas then he hosts his family when it’s his year to have the kids
You do whatever you want to do with your own family

My ex does Christmas Day with his family and I do a big family thing for the kids on Boxing Day
Then the next year we swap

This is a perfect time to start new traditions

DinkyYorkie · 11/03/2021 16:41

The in-laws are now part of your EH's allotted time with the children, not yours. Let him cook their sodding Christmas dinner. Your mother might be sort of correct, insofar as the children might like it, but she ain't the one who has to do all of the work is she. Her opinion is void anyway as they're your kids/it's your house not hers.

Don't let people push you around. You have no obligation to any of them whatsoever. It's you and your little ones, everyone else can sod off.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 11/03/2021 16:41

Hell no.
Absolutely not
Enjoy your freedom

JustLyra · 11/03/2021 16:41

I wouldn’t do that.

I have my exes parents for Christmas dinner usually, but not him. He’s a dick and they’re lovey and pitch in.

It’s not better for the children to see you treated as everyone’s skivvy!

ancientgran · 11/03/2021 16:42

I think your mum is right in one way and she isn't a jealous gran happy at being the winner in the granny stakes. Obviously it shouldn't mean you doing all the work though.

My exDIL never invited me for Christmas and I wouldn't expect her to but she always invited me to things like a party at softplay or something like that.

PussGirl · 11/03/2021 16:49

I remember boring as fuck Christmases on my own in a sweltering kitchen while everyone else had all the fun.

STBX never helped, & if his toxic MIL deigned to help it was always peeling & she generally threw away the peeler afterwards Angry

PussGirl · 11/03/2021 16:49

Sorry MY toxic MIL

His MIL isn't toxic Grin

HollowTalk · 11/03/2021 16:50

Perhaps next year you should have your ex and nobody else? Then you could split the jobs to be done between you. Why on earth you'd want your ILs there if they just sit back and don't help is beyond me.

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