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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not host my ex in laws for parties and Christmas etc anymore

292 replies

cadburyegg · 11/03/2021 15:35

Husband and I separated in November, he moved out. We have 2 young DC, age 6 and 3. DC live with me. For Christmas, partly because it was so soon after the seperation, but also because of the restrictions, we agreed to have Christmas day as it would normally be, so he came over and spent all day here, then my mum and his parents came over in the afternoon and we cooked etc for them.

The thing is every Christmas - and this one was no different - its always me left in the kitchen doing the food and loading the dishwasher and everyone else sitting round eating and playing with the children. I barely saw my children at all. My mum did bring dessert, but in laws didn't lift a finger. They never have done.

I am sick of it and now husband and I are separated I don't see why I should be doing it. My mum implied that - obviously post covid/in line with restrictions - i should be hosting my in laws for all birthday parties, and Christmas and every celebration like we did when we were still together. I don't want to and don't see why I should be expected to. She said it would be "better for the children".

AIBU?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 11/03/2021 18:28

That would be a no from me!!! You're no longer married to him. You're free to do what you like. Dont host, they can pop over to give the grandchildren their presents. They can have mince pies and tea.

flappityflippers1 · 11/03/2021 18:31

@GinNotGym19

God no! One of the huge upside of divorce is not entertaining your in laws on Xmas etc anymore! It’s down to your ex to facilitate. You’ll find once things settle you’ll alternate events like Xmas/birthdays or split the days too so won’t be an expectation to host everyone
God no! One of the huge upside of divorce is not entertaining your in laws on Xmas etc anymore!

No intention of divorce here, but honestly, if me and DH ever did, not having to see my "D" FIL would be the absolute best bit!

OP your mum is BU!

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/03/2021 18:33

If your Mum thinks it would be 'better for the children' for Christmas to consist of the same line-up as pre-split - maybe she should host this year. Otherwise, it's simply not her call.

Interesting that she "implied" this to you rather than just said it upfront. Is this her normal method of communication? If it were, I might have a stab at implying back that you fancied a really relaxed time this year, just you and the DC and not you either mother, you're as big a pain as the ex-ILs. Or maybe just upfront say it out loadGrin.

I really despise other people volunteering me to do the work. It makes me really dig my heels in.

purplecorkheart · 11/03/2021 18:40

I think your mom is thinking of herself. She thinks if you host all birthday and Christmases and invited you ex and exPIL she will get to be at them all. If you go down the route of alternative Christmas, birthdays on his days means she will miss those time. She is working on the idea that your ex will find it easier to go on with what happened before than to create new tradition of his own with his kids.

Harrysmummy246 · 11/03/2021 18:40

If your mum wants to host them, she can! You're under no obligation.

Howshouldibehave · 11/03/2021 18:43

Does your mum not give a crap that you spend all your Christmases in the kitchen waiting on people? Or is that fine because one of the people is her??

How horrid to think that’s a fine way for your own daughter to spend her time, and want her to continue doing it?!

MzHz · 11/03/2021 18:43

@Justmuddlingalong

Maybe your DM can host and cook for you all this Christmas? ExILs and all. Tell her you'll bring dessert.
Oh yes. This.
YoniAndGuy · 11/03/2021 18:43

'It would be better for the children'

'No it wouldn't.'

MzHz · 11/03/2021 18:44

@CanIGoHomeNowPlease

Shit sorry i pressed YABU and not YANBU by mistake.

Fuck that shit - your Ex can host his family and your family can host you!

You can change your vote :)
Janedownourlane · 11/03/2021 18:48

Another one here saying absolutely YANBU. Start from the next birthday as you mean to go on, then plan early what you are doing for Christmas. Do you think your DM is hoping that you and Ex-H will get back together?

mybonnieliesovertheocean2 · 11/03/2021 18:52

i am shocked that your mother is expecting you to continue hosting them all. Says alot about where your passiveness has come from (not a criticism btw). Put your foot down, redesign your xmas and enjoy actually spending time with your DC instead of hosting the lazy bunch

Cherrysoup · 11/03/2021 18:58

What madness is this? Carry on hosting the in laws? Total joke, absolutely not! His parents can host alternate years or whatever you decide. Bonkers!

0nTheEdge · 11/03/2021 19:04

If you like them, could you have everyone round after lunch for mince pies, etc? Be honest and say you're tired of spending all day on your own in the kitchen and want to spend time with your children on Christmas Day? I'm sure dinner for just you guys would be a lot quicker to prepare! If anyone says no, say they are welcome to host themselves 😬

cravingthelook · 11/03/2021 19:05

Haha! Not laughing at you. Just the idea someone thinks you should do that.

In other news my adult daughter told me to save to go on a big family holiday to Florida in a couple of yours with my sister and her family too. I apparently have to just suck it up that my exH is coming too. Erm what's the word ... No - No thanks

BorderlineHappy · 11/03/2021 19:07

Im reading it as your dm is blaming the kids cause she still wants to come for Christmas while you do all the work.

I would do every other year,and the year you dont have oyur kids go off and do your own thing.Otherwise you will be hosting your own parents when you dont have too.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/03/2021 19:30

You are no longer the servant of your ex.
And your DM shouldn't be guilt tripping you into being the servant of the rest of the family,
The one good thing about what must have been a difficult situation is that you can make your own decisions and can actually stop and take time to enjoy your Christmas and other occasions with your kids, whilst they are young and not just run around with all that pressure on your shoulders to make everyone else happy and looked after except yourself.
Your DM needs to consider changing her mind about a lot of things.
I hope you enjoy the next family occasion with your young ones.

Ellie56 · 11/03/2021 19:30

No .
No more being taken for granted.
No more waiting on PILs hand and foot.
No more hosting.

Do what you want and start a new tradition. Ex and PILs can start their own new tradition.

There. Sorted.

Howshouldibehave · 11/03/2021 19:33

It’s interesting that it’s your own mother wanting this to happen. Has your ex and his parents asked?

Did your ex-DH help or did you wait on him, too?

mybonnieliesovertheocean2 · 11/03/2021 20:11

It actually sounds like your mum doesnt agree with your reasons for separating and is pushing this as she thinks you will suddenly see sense.

mainsfed · 11/03/2021 21:08

@SplendidSuns1000

yanbu. My in laws visited for Christmas and also didn't lift a finger to help. They even woke us up by rushing into our bedroom at 6am. Dh and I spent the whole day cooking, cleaning up after them and rushing around to sort everything they wanted. They left just before midnight and DH and I realised we hadn't even had the chance to say Merry Christmas to each other. We're having Christmas day for just the two of us from now on, we've told them we'll visit either eve or boxing day but that's it.
What was their response? 😀
B33Fr33 · 11/03/2021 21:12

I think a he'll no to the ex and his parents. Your mum just spectacularly uninvited herself too didn't she Hmm?

girlywhirly · 11/03/2021 21:31

I agree with everyone else who says that now you and H have separated, he will have to start pulling his weight regarding annual celebrations involving your DC. Nor will you be responsible for hosting his parents, and it’s up to you if you want to host your DM.

I know it’s early, but think about how you want your Christmas to go this year. Make sure you let them all know what you have decided by September so that they have plenty of time to make their own plans. Be very clear that you will not be cooking in case they try to talk you round, don’t imply or hint, tell them straight that you feel you’ve been taken for granted and had precious little help every Christmas, now you are looking forward to focussing on your DC and enjoying yourself with them rather than skivvying in the kitchen all day.

Privately, tell DM that her opinions aren’t helpful and you’ll decide what’s best for the DC.

EL8888 · 11/03/2021 21:55

@girlywhirly this, all this. Set your stall out and wind your mums neck in

CuntyMcBollocks · 11/03/2021 22:12

Let your mum host them if she's that bothered by it. Why the hell should you?

Howshouldibehave · 11/03/2021 22:14

@purplecorkheart

I think your mom is thinking of herself. She thinks if you host all birthday and Christmases and invited you ex and exPIL she will get to be at them all. If you go down the route of alternative Christmas, birthdays on his days means she will miss those time. She is working on the idea that your ex will find it easier to go on with what happened before than to create new tradition of his own with his kids.
I think you could be spot on here!