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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not host my ex in laws for parties and Christmas etc anymore

292 replies

cadburyegg · 11/03/2021 15:35

Husband and I separated in November, he moved out. We have 2 young DC, age 6 and 3. DC live with me. For Christmas, partly because it was so soon after the seperation, but also because of the restrictions, we agreed to have Christmas day as it would normally be, so he came over and spent all day here, then my mum and his parents came over in the afternoon and we cooked etc for them.

The thing is every Christmas - and this one was no different - its always me left in the kitchen doing the food and loading the dishwasher and everyone else sitting round eating and playing with the children. I barely saw my children at all. My mum did bring dessert, but in laws didn't lift a finger. They never have done.

I am sick of it and now husband and I are separated I don't see why I should be doing it. My mum implied that - obviously post covid/in line with restrictions - i should be hosting my in laws for all birthday parties, and Christmas and every celebration like we did when we were still together. I don't want to and don't see why I should be expected to. She said it would be "better for the children".

AIBU?

OP posts:
Amiwronghere · 06/10/2021 23:57

Come on op.
Think about the example you’re setting for your children here. Is this the relationship model you want for them?
No need whatsoever to cook for your ex

forrestgreen · 07/10/2021 12:26

I've split up with my exh.
I have Xmas day. He can make whatever arrangements he wants on Boxing Day. The kids have two special days

Peace43 · 07/10/2021 12:30

Invite your mum, don’t invite your ex… he can sort himself and his parents out!

PearlclutchersInc · 07/10/2021 12:46

In a nutshell - bollocks to that !

almaonao · 07/10/2021 13:17

Sorry about your dad.

Tell them to bring a dish and you'll expect help in the kitchen?

Pinklioness · 07/10/2021 13:34

I'd have them over for sandwiches in the evening. It's a lot less stressy than the Christmas meal, the children get to see the relatives and you don't have to do much. You could even ask your mum/ex to make the sandwiches. You can play party games with the kids and it would be fun rather than drudgery.

LadyDanburysHat · 07/10/2021 13:42

Honestly, I don't think you should have your H over. I don't think you should be doing Santa visits with him. You have split up, and I don't think it's best for the children that you do these things together and act like a happy family.

Have your Christmas with the DC, and let him have his including his parents. You are still being a doormat to everyone. Put yourself first.

user1000000000009 · 07/10/2021 13:46

If you want to have it all together, everyone brings a cooked dish so someone brings soup, next person brings meat, someone else another meat and you do the veggies, someone else can bring dessert. Everything's hot so just needs to be kept warm in the oven.

Dessert is self serve.

Herecomesspring1 · 07/10/2021 13:55

@cadburyegg Still a no to the in-laws. As previous posters have commented, they can host your ex and the children at their house. Don't blur the boundaries this far down the line. Things won't have changed and you'll be back to feeling like a mug and writing another similar post on MN next year. Protect yourself!

Wnikat · 07/10/2021 14:00

Could you all go to the in laws? And your ex husband can cook the meal there if they don't want to.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 07/10/2021 14:04

Sorry about your father.

I can see where you are coming from. If you decide to have them all over here’s what I would do.

  1. Everyone is assigned a dish or dishes to bring. You do the main, mum gets dessert, PIL gets veggies, EH gets snacks, drinks, and whatever else.
  2. ExH contributes to a preday cleaner
  3. ExH is in charge of drinks on the day, mixing, pouring, serving, washing up, etc
  4. Everyone is in charge of prepping/warming/serving/cleaning/disposing of their assignments
  5. I would not do service family sit down style, instead buffet service
  6. Tell everyone you plan for food to ‘served’ at whatever time, the turkey or whatever will be in the oven from X to Y time, so to plan around that for warming or whatever
  7. Everything will help with post dinner cleanup. The men do the dishes, your Mum will clear tables gather glasses, xMIL will sort garbage, and you will do whatever else.

I agree with the start as you mean to go sentiment and now is a great time to break into new traditions. You will find out real quick how much it all means to everyone if they have to work for it. Just be very matter of fact with the expectations, but try not to turn into Marney 😉

noboringlessons.com/i-love-marney-the-thanksgiving-letter/

Jaxhog · 07/10/2021 14:04

@Justmuddlingalong

Maybe your DM can host and cook for you all this Christmas? ExILs and all. Tell her you'll bring dessert.
My thought too!
Outfoxedbyrabbits · 07/10/2021 14:13

Why would you have your ex over on Christmas day if he is off work? Last year was odd, I agree, THIS year is the year to consider what will be sustainable going forwards. I would suggest this would not include hosting your ex every Christmas.

I'd expect something like alternate Christmas days/Boxing days with each parent, or Christmas Eve and half of Christmas day with one and then the 9rhwr half of Christmas day and Boxing day with the other. It's irrelevant who else you have at your home in Christmas day. The issue with your in laws is because of the blurred boundaries with your ex.

But if you do end up hosting them all then you state, in advance, that this year you will not be doing ANY cooking or clearing up as you did it last year. Tell your ex you will leave it up to him to coordinate arrangements and will expect them all to turn up with Christmas dinner and all the trimmings between them for them all to cook in your home and wash up before they go. Or, you know, one of them could host you all.

MrsMiddleMother · 07/10/2021 14:15

I would have exH or exinlaws for Christmas at all. Last year should have been a one off due to the circumstances. Just host your DM and your children, they can see daddy after dinner. Don't blur the lines now.

Inertia · 07/10/2021 14:18

You need to think about what you want, not want your mum wants.

It’s better for the children to spend special occasions with their mum, not watch her slave in the kitchen while grown adults sit about. You get a very limited number of Christmases when your children still engage with the ‘magic’- don’t waste that time on people who wouldn’t lift a finger for you.

There’s no law about what/when Christmas dinner should be. You could have the traditional turkey dinner on Christmas Eve with just your mum and the kids, but keep it low key. Then on Christmas Day itself you could do something very simple - leftover turkey, some oven bake bread, cheese and crackers, and open a bag of salad.

With a bit of luck they’ll flounce about wanting a big roast dinner, so they can do that at PIL or exH house - problem solved.

MrsMiddleMother · 07/10/2021 14:23

@MrsMiddleMother

I would have exH or exinlaws for Christmas at all. Last year should have been a one off due to the circumstances. Just host your DM and your children, they can see daddy after dinner. Don't blur the lines now.
Sorry that should say I WOULDN'T
Howshouldibehave · 07/10/2021 14:31

But if you do end up hosting them all then you state, in advance, that this year you will not be doing ANY cooking or clearing up as you did it last year. Tell your ex you will leave it up to him to coordinate arrangements and will expect them all to turn up with Christmas dinner and all the trimmings between them for them all to cook in your home and wash up before they go

That sounds like the sort of scenario that would end up with OP still doing it all and being really cross about it!

@cadburyegg your DH and in laws can sort themselves out-you aren’t their catering team.

Your mum is the problem here. Fine to have her round for Xmas-that sounds lovely. But NOT if she’s saying you should host, cook and clean for all the in laws forevermore!

If she wants everyone to be together-maybe she can host and you can do crap all to help.

RealHousewifeOfPontypandy · 07/10/2021 14:49

@Blacktothepink

Fuck that!
exactly this
jeaux90 · 07/10/2021 14:52

My partner pops to his EW house for pastries Christmas morning to see his son and open presents. Then the son comes Boxing Day.

His ex then hosts her parents for dinner etc.

They centre their son not what in laws want.

Focus on what you want, what your kids need. Set your boundaries and rules.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 07/10/2021 15:10

Don't host anybody full stop

It's your Xmas day with your DC. Invite your mum - but not to host her- she helps you cook and clear up, she isn't waited on. Involve the DCs. Have a lovely family Xmas just you - as this is your family unit now ! - (no exes no ex pils..).

Ex can have his Xmas on a different day eg Boxing Day with DC how he wants- they can do their Xmas unwrapping and Xmas dinner the next day . It's up to your ex to sort out with exPILs whether he takes DCs to exPILs house on the days he has them or whatever they do.

Don't fall into trap of still being 1950s downtrodden housewife to your ex and his family even after the divorce! You did it last year as it was too soon & pandemic. No reason to do it again. It's YOUR life & your Xmas- you don't let anybody over threshold of the door on Xmas day that doesn't immediately fill your heart with joy!

PrincessNutella · 07/10/2021 15:20

That's one of the joys of separation.

caringcarer · 07/10/2021 15:37

Personally if I had not got a new partner nor ex had new partner I would invite him for Xmas day on condition he helped with preparing food. I would suggest to DH that he invited his parents to his place on afternoon he had kids. I would make kids available for him. I would be invite my own Mum providing she agreed not to mention in-laws even once.

Shoxfordian · 07/10/2021 15:48

Invite your mum only
Not your ex
Not his family
His problem

ChargingBuck · 07/10/2021 15:59

My mum implied that - obviously post covid/in line with restrictions - i should be hosting my in laws for all birthday parties, and Christmas and every celebration like we did when we were still together

Ha ha ha ha hahhhaahahaha
Nope.

If your mum feels this strongly, maybe she can start hosting them.

Or ... & I know this may come as a shock to exDH & the inlaws, so brace yourselves ... HE COULD DAMN WELL HOST HIS OWN FAMILY.

Larryyourwaiter · 07/10/2021 16:06

Have your mum over. Ex can do what he likes, go to yours, go to his mums, this is his issue to sort out.
If they want to see the kids they can come over in the morning or Boxing Day.