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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepmum and mothers day

484 replies

Thattimeoftheyearagain · 11/03/2021 13:19

Stepmum here! A nice one I like to think. I am not mum but I do a lot of mum duties for them Aibu to be recognised on Sunday? Not as mum but just a thank you for everything I do? I know its mothers day but its not like there's a step mothers day?

OP posts:
mainsfed · 11/03/2021 13:23

I voted YANBU, but it’s tricky one.

Do they appreciate you in general or are you taken for granted? How old are the DSC?

purpleme12 · 11/03/2021 13:23

No
I would never do that to my stepmum or stepdad
There not my mum or dad

TeenMinusTests · 11/03/2021 13:25

I think it depends on a lot of things. Not clear cut.

Pompom2367 · 11/03/2021 13:25

I am a step parent op and think its the day for mum so I do think your being unreasonable but do understand

saraclara · 11/03/2021 13:26

@TeenMinusTests

I think it depends on a lot of things. Not clear cut.
Yep. I don't think anyone can say. Far too many variables possible.
Holly60 · 11/03/2021 13:26

You can buy cards specifically for step-mothers so YANBU. I think it would be a nice gesture. I buy for people who are not my own mum and I wish my DD and DIL ‘happy mother’s day’ so I don’t see why not. I think it should be an inclusive celebration of the women we care about.

Youllbeoldertoo · 11/03/2021 13:28

They have a mum. It’s not you.

mainsfed · 11/03/2021 13:28

You can buy cards specifically for step-mothers so YANBU.

Good point. No excuse not to appreciate a good step-mum.

mainsfed · 11/03/2021 13:30

@Youllbeoldertoo

They have a mum. It’s not you.
She never said she was. What a nasty post.
Candyfloss99 · 11/03/2021 13:30

You are not being unreasonable at all. You do motherly things for them when they are at your house I'm sure. Anyone who says otherwise is just an insecure mother.

Candyfloss99 · 11/03/2021 13:31

@Youllbeoldertoo

They have a mum. It’s not you.
Wow insecure much? She never said she wanted to be their mum.
purpleme12 · 11/03/2021 13:32

I don't think she was being nasty. Just factual
She's not their mum
Some people might wish other people happy mother's Day and get a present for their grandma but in my mind mother's Day is for my mum.

MuddleMoo · 11/03/2021 13:32

Completely up to the children if they want to mark it with a step-mothers card etc. I don't feel you can feel hard done by if they don't as there are all sorts of emotions involved.

Wishitsnows · 11/03/2021 13:32

I can't imagine giving a step mum a card on mother's day or even mentioning it. The day would be for my real actual mum

MuddleMoo · 11/03/2021 13:33

@Youllbeoldertoo

They have a mum. It’s not you.
OP acknowledges she is not mum in her post. No need to be so rude.
TheWarbler · 11/03/2021 13:33

Surely, it's up to the dynamic of the individual family.

IrisW · 11/03/2021 13:33

I buy my sisters and their MIL gifts, if I had a step mum I would too. Why not show people you appreciate them, hope you get really spoiled on the day!

ZombeaArthur · 11/03/2021 13:33

I buy a card and gift for my step-mother and my children make a card. I suppose it depends on your relationship, but I don’t find it odd at all to celebrate Mother’s Day with someone who has a maternal role in your life.

Devlesko · 11/03/2021 13:34

Dh, always gets one for his Dad's wife. She wasn't a step mum to him as he was a teen and soon left home.
It usually says on mothering sunday or some such

lalaloopyhead · 11/03/2021 13:34

My daughters get my DH a card, and the gift is assumed from all the kids (so my dc and our joint dc). My dc do this now they are late teens without any prompt from me, because they genuinly appreciate everything that he does for them in a parental capacity.

I suppose that dc are more likely to live with step-dad than step-mum so maybe a different relationship developes, but I think if you spend alot of time with your step children and take on a parental role in some capacity then yes why not?

BrumBoo · 11/03/2021 13:34

No, unless you are their primary 'mother like' carer I'm afraid I disagree that you should get anything. It would be nice if you did but certainly not an expectation.

Wishitsnows · 11/03/2021 13:35

I don't think youlbeolderto was being rude just stating fact or do we get them for teachers too for mothers/fathers day as they do lots too

JemimaTiggywinkle · 11/03/2021 13:36

DH was always expected to get cards for his mum, (childfree) aunt and grandma on Mother’s Day... don’t know if they’re just a weird family though.

And now I’m somehow expected to be involved in MIL’s Mother’s Day present.. she expects that it’s “from” me and DH whereas I think it should just be from DH. (I don’t buy the present).

If the definition is that broad it’s not unreasonable for step mums to be included.

Crossandcrochety · 11/03/2021 13:37

I’m a stepmum and my stepchildren always give me a card and a gift. But I think it depends on the relationship. My eldest stepdaughter and I in particular are very close.

Whocares2021 · 11/03/2021 13:37

Down to family dynamic - my DP sends his SM a card but he doesn’t really like her and she didn’t look after him as a child so I don’t really know why he does 🤷🏻‍♀️