Stepmum and mothers day

[Thattimeoftheyearagain]

Stepmum here! A nice one I like to think. I am not mum but I do a lot of mum duties for them Aibu to be recognised on Sunday? Not as mum but just a thank you for everything I do? I know its mothers day but its not like there's a step mothers day?

I think it can be difficult for step children as they can often find they are having to play diplomat to very contradictory adult feelings. I certainly struggled with my feelings over these issues as a child.

If anyone owes a step parent recognition it's their partner, the person who has brought them into the children's lives.

I always recognise my (step) dad on Father's Day.

The thing my asshole 'dad' married gets the greatest gift a stepchild can give her, another blissful year of pretending her husband never had children (trust me, she couldn't be happier) he gets the same gift and her a equally delighted.

Never hurts to show appreciation to anyone- guess to nit pick depends how much you do, if your partner sees his kids 2 weekends a month then I wouldn’t expect anything, if it’s 50\50 custody and you ferry them to clubs, iron their uniform etc along with their father then yanbu

@Cocomarine

Surely it all depends on your family dynamic?

My child will get her stepmother a card, because stepmother will want that, and will make sure she tells her husband (my ex, child’s dad) to make it happen. My child will also be happy with that, though it won’t be spontaneous.

At the same time, my child won’t get me, her actual mother, a card - because in this house, we don’t believe in random days to show appreciation. It’s not our thing.

My own stepchildren won’t get me a card. I wouldn’t find it out if they did, but their mum is dead, so I think getting one for me would highlight the fact their own mum won’t get one. So for our family, it just isn’t the right thing to do.

As a stepparent, I’d say - sweet if they do, not a problem if they don’t.

I do agree with your ending comment.

My SC have had two seperate families since being very young. They adore both their parents and they also get on really well with who both their parents have married.

I realise we are all very lucky.

My step children used to get me a little card and bunch of daffs for mothers day which was lovely and completely unexpected.

They dont anymore because they're young adults with their heads up their own arses most of the time but i dont mind, I'm not their mum!

I'm a stepmum and never received (or expected to receive) anything from my stepson for mother's Day.
My mother is a stepmum to my half siblings and likewise she never receives anything from them. She has a fantastic relationship with them but they had a mum who died so I think it would feel strange for them to give their stepmum a mother's Day gift.

My stepkids have got me a card. I think it's sweet. They appreciate me more because I try NOT to be their mum and subsequently don't make them feel awkward. They have a Mum, I'm just someone else in their life in a similar role and it's nice to feel recognised for that. They aren't pressured to do it from their Dad, so the fact they've got it themselves really means a lot.

I think these things have to come about naturally. If your stepchildren want to show their appreciation then that’s great, fill ya boots. However, if they don’t, and that’s a problem for you (and it’s understandable to be hurt by that if you’re an involved stepparent) then the issue is bigger than one “special” day that for many is a commercial ploy to sell lots of stuff.

YANBU, my DD has bought a present for her SM and she always gets something for my DH, her SD

I never expected anything directly from my DSC but I did expect my DH to acknowledge all the stuff I did for them - why on earth would I want to put in all that time, effort and money only for it to go entirely unacknowledged? I have more self respect than that.

As it happens as my DSC got older they voluntarily bought me flowers for mother's day which was absolutely lovely of them.

Definitely depends on your relationship with your DSC, their age, your partner and their mum. Would their mum get upset if they did something for you making them feel bad etc...

My exDH would buy me things from my DSD when we were together as he felt it was important I was recognised. My DSD mum never knew until I told her (we became friends after my marriage ended) she said she wouldn’t have minded as she knew how much I loved her DD and it didn’t change her own relationship with her.

If you have a good relationship with them then I don’t think it’s unfair for you to be recognised, but I think you partner should be doing it as it’s his children who you have welcomed into you life.

Bloody hell people are arseholes.I recognise my stepdad on Father’s Day. YANBU

How are these two statements connected? Is the implication that peple who don't do so are "arseholes"?
Seems startlingly obtuse not to recognise the many many different family set ups and the myriad of reasons why people might not do so.

Bit of a different situation as myself and husband are very much together so no step parents to buy for but I always buy a card for my teen daughter to give to her 'yard mum'. This is the owner of the livery yard she keeps her horse at and although no relation she is amazing and I know my daughter is safe and looked out for when at the stables.

My husband sometimes buys his mum a card and sometimes doesn't, his mum hasn't really been there for him unless she wants something. I always spoil my mum, she is my rock! Although it's Mothers Day, personally I think it's a day to celebrate the women in your life that make it better and I'm sure that's exactly what many step mums do.

I have a stepmum by the way. I like her, we get on but I’ve never got her a card off my own back only when my own mum insisted I had to. Not sure why that was. My own children love my partner, their stepdad, and he’s a much better parent than their actual dad is to them. But they don’t acknowledge Father’s Day for either him or their dad and that is their choice, I’d never force them to. They show their love and appreciation in other ways throughout the rest of the year.

I've always considered other's Day to be about one's own mother. So though I adored my MIL, my late DH always bought her card and signed it just from him. But after he died I always sent her a Mother's Day card from me, because I love her like she's my mum (actually a lot more, but that's another story).

I'm not going to tell anyone that they should or shouldn't recognise a step-mum or MIL because it depends entirely on the circumstances and the relationship involved.

Certainly a step-mum shouldn't be aggrieved if she doesn't get a MD card. The absence of one isn't significant.

I've never bought my step mother anything for Mother's Day.
She is a lovely lady and we do get on but she is not my mother. I've never called her mum . My children have never called her nana .
In the nicest possible way, she is just my dads wife .
No relation.

It depends, if the relationship is good then it's a nice touch - my friends kids treat their stepdad like their dad and as adults buy Father's Day things but it's not a given

Oh no. No no no

I'm a stepmum and would not expect this.

It’s a difficult day for some. Those of us who have dysfunctional mothers may well feel our mothering came from others. I’ve been at church mother’s’ day services where people say thank you to all those who have mothered - stepparents, aunts, godmothers, teachers etc. But I suspect this has to come from the child and it may be difficult for some children to recognise stepparents for fear of hurting biological parents. I first got a Mother’s Day card when I’d been a stepmother for well over twenty years.

It depends on what you're meaning on "should be recognised".

If you mean it would be nice if your dp, the father of your stepchildren, gets you a bunch of flowers and says "thank you for being there for my children" that sounds reasonable.
If you're expecting the children to spontaneously make cards for you and come round to take you out for lunch, ignoring their own mum in the process, that isn't reasonable.

But I think As a stepparent, I’d say - sweet if they do, not a problem if they don’t. really has it.

So if the children choose to do something-appreciate it. But don't guilt them into it (or your dp in to insisting they do) if they don't do it spontaneously.

@quarentini

I've never bought my step mother anything for Mother's Day. She is a lovely lady and we do get on but she is not my mother. I've never called her mum . My children have never called her nana . In the nicest possible way, she is just my dads wife . No relation.

How long has she been married to your dad? Was it post childhood years for you?

If they’re teens or older then they’re capable of buying something if they want to. If they’re younger who would you want to get the gift? Presumably your husband? I think it would be nice for him to get you something as you’re helping him out looking after the kids. But generally I think Mother’s Day is for their Mum, unless she is not in the picture. Lots of people contribute to care, including grandmas, aunts, friends etc but Mother’s Day is for the Mum only (lots of people don’t agree hence all the different cards available!).

I always remind my ds 13 to give his step mum a little text.She goes above and beyond for him when she doesn't have too. A little text to show appreciation does no harm.

My step-children don't get me anything for Mothers Day, it doesn't bother me. My children get something for me and step-children get something for their mum. We have a great relationship so there's nothing sinister in the fact they don't get me anything. I think it tends to be older step-children who give their step-mothers cards and flowers for Mothers Day.

I really appreciated my dsd he made my dm happy after my ddad's death & we had a close relationship & he adored my dc he was a good man
We use to send him a happy father's day card but carefully chose one that didn't say to my dad (because we never called him dad anyway) he loved it -
as pp say it depends on your relationship

It's 100% up to the children. I'm a stepmum to two DSS's aged 10 and 14. When they were younger I got a little hand-drawn card or something they'd made at school, but this was completely on them and never prompted by DH (and definitely not by me!!). As they get older I imagine I'm more likely to get a text if they're not with us, but frankly anything is lovely and I certainly wouldn't see it as my 'right'.