To tell my daughter she's passed 11+ even if she doesn't?

[Incogweeto]

DD2 will take 11+ in September. She's a lovely, funny, bright child, but not as academic as DD1 who got an extremely high 11+ score and is at grammar school.

Our options here are grammar or private. State is absolutely awful (this isn't a comment on all state schools at all, just the ones we have access to which are in the failing category). I would never send her to our state options.

I've already told her that she'll sit 11+ and private school entrance tests and then we as parents will decide which one is best for her needs, and that grammar school isn't right for everyone. She really wants to go to grammar.

If she doesn't pass 11+ I'm planning on telling her she did and that we just decided to send her to the private school. Is that terrible? It will obviously involve maintaining the lie, potentially even when she's an adult if it ever comes up. There's no way she'll find out.

I think she may well pass, but if not I just don't think a 10 year old needs to be feeling that they've 'failed' at this stage. Or that they are less capable than their older sibling, which I know will hurt. DD is a really lovely, kind and caring child and in many ways more well rounded than her super academic sister. She's also sensitive and a worrier and it's the kind of thing that will affect her self esteem for years. I'd tell her she passed by a few points (not make up some super high score). She'll definitely get into the private school, no question, and be happy there.

I totally agree. I think Michael Morpurgo has spoken about how he felt like a failure at 11 and it took him a while to get over.

I wouldn’t, but only because I think it’d be pretty damaging if she found out.

I’d just not tell her the results. Don’t mislead her, but don’t lie to her.

My sister did this with her daughter. She didn’t pass but assumed she did. She’s continued to thrive at the school she got accepted into.

No I wouldn't lie, I wouldn't put her forward or I'd tell her the truth. She will find out one day. At 11, if you say she passed and decided to send her private, she'll figure it out.

I missed out on supper selective in our area by 1%, tbh I'm still pissed off about it. I'm 45.

You have a back up, I'd take that.

YABVU to lie to your child.
If she wants to go the grammar school, it's really cruel to tell her that she could have gone but you decided to send her to the private school instead.
She might end up resenting you for making that choice.
If she doesn't pass the 11+, it's an important opportunity for her to learn that "failure" is ok, it's part of life, it's not a reflection of her worth or abilities, and she can still succeed if she takes a different path.
I say this as someone who was an incredibly high achieving child, never really failed at anything, which made it harder for me to deal with failure when it inevitably happened later in life.

Does she even have to take it? If your mind is made up to send her to private school why don't you just not bother?

I wouldn’t lie, because it’s got to be kept up. That said, I took the 11+ and my mom told me that I was on the waiting list, it’s just occurred to me that she may have lied to me!

No, I don't think it's right to lie, I mean she'll probably figure it out for one thing! Why bother at all if it's going to cause her undue stress and a worry about being not as good as her sister? Might as well just go straight for the private option and accept they're both different (and that's ok).

If she's happy to sit the 11+, I would put all my focus on both encouraging her, but also making absolutely clear that not passing doesn't equate failure, her strengths academically are her own and you know she will excel at whatever school she goes to. The most important thing is to find a school that fits her, not for her to fit a school. If she doesn't pass the 11+, it simply means the school isn't for her in the same way it is for her sister.

Terrible idea! If she wants tomgonto grammar and you lie and say she could have gone but you decided to send her to private she will hate you for making that decision and not allowing her to do what she wants. If she knows she failed she will know the decision was out of your hands. Kids have to be aware of their abilities at some point. What if she fails the private entrance exams as well?

Also, I never felt like a failure really. But the test wasn’t made a big deal of and the result wasn’t really mentioned again. It’s probably harder with an older sibling already in the school though. I would just convince her the private is better, point out all he ways it is more suited to her, and put her off taking the test if you’ve already decided on the private school.

This exact post was on here last year. The consensus was that this was a really terrible idea.

DF failed the 11+, he went to the local technical school and had a highly successful career in engineering. He still has a tinge of resentment when he says he failed the 11+ but his parents said oh well you were always good with doing things so you can go to the technical school, making it into a positive and he really enjoyed it. If you can get your DD excited and confident about the alternative option, that's positive.

But if she wants to go to the grammar school, and then you say you've decided that she isn't going there (even though by telling her she's passed the 11+ she'll think she could have) isn't she going to resent you for that? What if she kicks off against you and says she doesn't want to go to the private school, she wants to go to the grammar?

You're assuming she'll quietly accept what you are putting forward as your decision, but she may not. And that would harm your relationship with her from the off. It's no good assuming that she'll 'come round' when she gets to the other school either. She may just continue to resent you for taking away her choice.

I wouldn't lie. Does she need to take the 11+ if the private school is a good option?

Eh? People would lie to their precious darlings about passing 11 plus?

^I should add his sister passed and went to the grammar school.

@Ifailed

Bully for you for being wealthy enough to pay for the lie, all the kids from normal homes can just suck up being labelled thick.

This is such a fucking stupid comment I'm annoyed at myself for even giving it any recognition

WTAF. She'll instead be resentful about how her parents forced her to go to the private school when she wanted to take up "her place" at the grammar.

Also, her teachers will know. Are you going to ask them to go along with the lie?

Also... It's good to learn resilience and putting things in perspective. The 11+ is not a pass/fail exam - it gives you a score on very specific skills, and the grammar schools take those with the highest scores. It's absolutely fine not to be one of those people. It will happen throughout life that you don't make the cut for something. Protest against the system if you like, don't embed it into her heart.

What about your DD1? If you tell your DD2 that you’re choosing to pay ££££ to send her to a private school even though she has a place at the grammar school her sister goes to, how will it make your DD1 feel?

It’s a tricky situation but at least you can be thankful that you’re in a position (financially) where you know your DD2 will be going to a good good school whatever her results. The system is broken when the state options are a selective grammar or failing high secondary schools.

No. The one thing that I wish my parents had done for me when I was younger was to help me learn how to fail. To accept it as an inevitable part of trying different things and living life to the full, and to realise that it really isn't the end of the world when it happens. Perhaps if they had done that, I wouldn't fear failure so much to the extent that I rarely try things unless I'm reasonably sure of success.

I've actively sought out opportunities for my dd to fail from an early age. Not always easy as she tends to be good at everything she tries, but by constantly pushing her outside of her comfort zone, we have found ways of allowing her to experience failure in a healthy way. I'm so glad that we did, as she is totally unfazed by it and she will have a go at anything. She understands that it's just as much a failure if you don't try at all as it would be if you tried and didn't succeed - more so, actually. I wish I could have gone through life like that.

We do our children no favours by protecting them from failure. Much better to just accept it and model a healthy approach to it. Don't make it into something so awful that you can't even tell her about it. If she doesn't get into the grammar, no big deal - there is another great school that she can go to instead.

I would tell her that you think the private school option will offer more of the things she is good at and enjoys and you think that school will suit her best. I’d be very grateful that you are in a position to make that choice and not lie to her.

Don't lie. She won't forgive you if she finds out and you aren't helping her by lying.

Schools know who has passed and who hasn't. The teacher could end up unintentionally outing your lie in general conversation.

I wouldn't say she's passed it if she hasn't but I'd say it was ok to lie a little and say she was extremely close if that will make her feel better. You know her best, would having just scraped a fail make her happier than having been way off, if that comes to be the case?

Don't lie. A similar situation in my own family (passing 11+ but not allowed to go to grammar school) set up all sorts of mental health problems in that generation (anger, resentment) and the next (hot-housing, pressure to perform well, living through the child, etc.).

We can't always pass things in real life; she is fantastically lucky to have the opportunity of private school as an alternative. She is going to have to learn at some point - like we all do - how to cope well with life's setbacks (and she may yet pass her 11+!).

If it affects her, you can afford to sort out professional help for her mental health, but she might be fine - don't take the risk with her mental health for a lie.