To tell my daughter she's passed 11+ even if she doesn't?

[Incogweeto]

DD2 will take 11+ in September. She's a lovely, funny, bright child, but not as academic as DD1 who got an extremely high 11+ score and is at grammar school.

Our options here are grammar or private. State is absolutely awful (this isn't a comment on all state schools at all, just the ones we have access to which are in the failing category). I would never send her to our state options.

I've already told her that she'll sit 11+ and private school entrance tests and then we as parents will decide which one is best for her needs, and that grammar school isn't right for everyone. She really wants to go to grammar.

If she doesn't pass 11+ I'm planning on telling her she did and that we just decided to send her to the private school. Is that terrible? It will obviously involve maintaining the lie, potentially even when she's an adult if it ever comes up. There's no way she'll find out.

I think she may well pass, but if not I just don't think a 10 year old needs to be feeling that they've 'failed' at this stage. Or that they are less capable than their older sibling, which I know will hurt. DD is a really lovely, kind and caring child and in many ways more well rounded than her super academic sister. She's also sensitive and a worrier and it's the kind of thing that will affect her self esteem for years. I'd tell her she passed by a few points (not make up some super high score). She'll definitely get into the private school, no question, and be happy there.

YABU. This is why young adults today can't cope with life, because their parents have never allowed them to fail or make mistakes. It's part of life and part of growing up and becoming a well rounded adult.

I would never lie about something like this. I would tell her and focus on building up her resilience to "failure" and the bigger picture of her life. (I failed the 11+ by the way ...but was never left feeling that was the defining thing about me...)

YABU. This is why young adults today can't cope with life, because their parents have never allowed them to fail or make mistakes. It's part of life and part of growing up and becoming a well rounded adult.

What about those who actually do pass? Will they not become well rounded adults?

What about those who actually do pass? Will they not become well rounded adults?

Hopefully they will have opportunities to fail in other areas. Learning to deal with failures and setbacks is an important part of development. People who don't develop that skill as children often tend to experience a life-limiting fear of failure in adulthood.

I totally understand why you want to protect her. I think the issue is that she may find out in the future and will resent you for lying to her but also that children need to learn to cope with disappointments. My boyfriends children were very academic and didn’t feel anything until they did their driving tests. They took it really badly when they failed their driving tests and actually both of them refused to take them again and went on to take automatic only tests.

We have so many adults that don't cope on life and I'm quite sure it's because resilience wasn't built up as a child. Use this as an opportunity to show her how to get through something.

@AlexaShutUp

What about those who actually do pass? Will they not become well rounded adults?

Hopefully they will have opportunities to fail in other areas. Learning to deal with failures and setbacks is an important part of development. People who don't develop that skill as children often tend to experience a life-limiting fear of failure in adulthood.

This

but doesn't she need to sit an equally difficult or perhaps harder entrance exam to get into the private school?

@motheroftwoboys

but doesn't she need to sit an equally difficult or perhaps harder entrance exam to get into the private school?

We are in a grammar school area and the private schools here are generally full of people who failed the state grammar. They have an entrance exam but as long as your parents can pay the fees-yay, you’ve passed it.

@motheroftwoboys

but doesn't she need to sit an equally difficult or perhaps harder entrance exam to get into the private school?

Certainly in the grammar county where I grew up the (day) private schools primarily served children who hadn’t passed 11+ and consequently were not academically selective in any real sense.