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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have realised what a difference grandparents might make?

266 replies

Milkthecow · 10/03/2021 05:58

Obviously I know not everyone has grandparents that are willing to help or local enough to do so.

But if they are what a difference it must make. My dd won’t be put down in the day and so I really struggle to get stuff done. I’m imagining a world where grandparents would take her for a walk for an hour a day just to give me some time to unwind a bit!

OP posts:

CoalCraft · 10/03/2021 06:02

DD's grandparents are willing but sadly not able to help very much. Like yours, my DD will not go down in the day and when my husband is in work I really struggle with tiredness.

My mum comes down for three hours once a week and it is a godsend. That's the only help I get and I'm so grateful for it.

I imagine that since we're in a pandemic a lot of people will have been coping with very little help.

BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl · 10/03/2021 06:04

I've often been envious of those on here who take grandparent help for granted, or assume everyone had it, "Just ask the grandparents to take them while you do X."

And yes when I had babies who didn't sleep Id have just loved some kind company.

BertieBotts · 10/03/2021 06:04

Never had it when we lived locally to them. Can't really imagine it tbh. I'm not envious of it because I can't think what it would be like.

BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl · 10/03/2021 06:05

I now live in an area where most people seem close to their grandparents and have struggled with feeling bitter that mine aren't interested at all (in fact actively mean/hostile at times.)

Lemonlemon88 · 10/03/2021 06:12

We just moved back to our hometown and having grandparents to help is amazing. My mum picks up the kids after she finishes work so we can have shorter nursery hours. We get to go out at the weekends without spending a fortune on a babysitter.

speakout · 10/03/2021 06:15

It must be amazing to have grandparents to support.
We only had one grandparent surviving with small kids, my mother.
Although she lived locally and was able didn't ever want to watch the children.
I had to give up my career.

LittleRa · 10/03/2021 06:17

As an aside from grandparents, j can recommend a sling for during the day with your DD, I’ve got a stretchy wrap (Moby wrap) and a more structured buckled carrier (ergo baby). Both godsends for getting anything done with unputtdownable babies!

yahyahs22 · 10/03/2021 06:20

I'm so fortunate to live one literally down the road from MIL. She's our bubble and has been unbelievably helpful

Squish3 · 10/03/2021 06:21

@Milkthecow I feel you with the baby not being put down in the day 😓 it makes things so hard! I have 4.5 month old who naps 3x a day on me and nowhere else 😓 have mine and DH parents locally but unfortunately none of them are that interested! DH works offshore for 3 or 4 weeks at a time so quite often it’s just me and baby for 4 weeks seeing absolutely nobody else due to covid 😔

SandysMam · 10/03/2021 06:22

I think so too OP. Life is just much less stressful for those who have family help and I get very envious. If I had had support in the early days I honestly don’t think I would have had such crippling PND that has gone on to impact on everything. I adore my kids but never get a break and I think I would be a much better mum if I did. I get very envious of people who in normal times can scoot off to get their hair done or have a weekend away with their partner etc. I am even more envious when the grandparents clearly love having the kids so they can toot off without any feelings of guilt. My MIL would say “I’ll have them if it helps you out” but be asking what time I would be back and telling her friends how much she did for us so in the end, I stopped asking as it just wasn’t worth it.

namechangefail2020 · 10/03/2021 06:35

Ive never had any help either, no one is local but I'm not sure I would like it as I'm a bit of a stubborn one with accepting help. When they do come we get a night out or whatever but I don't really feel the need for regular help. My brother on the other hand had them do unpaid childcare until his two went to school. They offered so I don't mean "had them do" like they didn't want to, they loved it. Financially though, I don't think he realises how lucky he was. Where I live for two kids they've saved him over 20k a year.

HOkieCOkie · 10/03/2021 06:37

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ChameleonClara · 10/03/2021 06:40

Having support is always better, wherever it comes from. Lots of people though are in your position, it is tough but hopefully manageable.

Not necessary to resort to sleep training imo!

DisgruntledPelican · 10/03/2021 06:41

Yes. I always knew I wouldn’t have much day to day help as MIL/FIL are local but elderly and frail, and my parents are a few hundred miles away. Pandemic has meant they’ve not been able to visit as much though, and it’s been difficult for sure. Even just a bit of company during the long days of maternity leave would be great. More recently we’ve had a couple of minor DIY jobs to do around the house that need both of us to pitch in, and it would be so much easier if someone was around to take DS for a walk, rather than have him secured in his high chair watching us fit a new loft access ladder 😂

But we knew for a while that we wouldn’t have any regular help, so it’s just the way it is. We get by.

rosie561 · 10/03/2021 06:42

I wish my parents were closer. They live 200 miles away and have met my 8month old 3 times, I really miss them.

PeggyHill · 10/03/2021 06:43

My parents and ILs live on the other side of the world. It would sometimes be nice if they were closer. It can be tough doing everything on your own.

Fundays12 · 10/03/2021 06:44

It must be some of my husbands siblings have babysitters on tap for as long as they want. We have very little help and pay for childcare. The noted difference in our relationship with our kids is our kids talk to us about there problems not there grandparents. I would rather it was that way.

RonObvious · 10/03/2021 06:46

I don’t know. I have no support from my parents, but my sister does from her in laws, and she has to put up with so much judgement, demands, popping round unannounced etc. Not sure I don’t have the better deal!

redswinger · 10/03/2021 06:48

I think it would have been nice for the kids if either set of their Grandparents were interested but they weren’t enough to want to spend time with them - I told my kids not to take it personally, they behaved the same way with all their grand children.

louisejxxx · 10/03/2021 06:52

I am extremely grateful and blessed that I’ve had the support from my parents over the last 10 years since ds (and then dd) was born. My mum did 1 day a week of childcare for both of them before they were school aged. Before COVID, we would see them 2-3 times a week and so my kids have really struggled as they are such a part of our day-to-day lives.

The flip side is that they are essentially their only grandparents, as my dp’s dad is dead and we are nc with his mother.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 10/03/2021 06:55

People with help are really lucky!

We had very little help early on. My DM kept saying 'if you need any help just ask' except I did ask and they were always busy!! It was frustrating as they looked after my brothers 2 kids for 2 full days a week and couldn't help me for a single afternoon!

Eventually they did start helping and even looked after DS one full day a week for the first year which was amazingly helpful, but I'll ever forget being on my knees with 4 hours a sleep, but the day my mum was free my dad had to play golf so they couldn't come.

There's no reason he couldn't have played golf another day when my mum had plans, or my mum could have come on her own, my brother is forever the golden child though!

MessAllOver · 10/03/2021 06:56

We live too far from grandparents for them to provide regular childcare but used to visit frequently and they came to us a lot before Covid (both sets). It was so lovely to have someone to play with or talk to my son while I made dinner or ran the bath, and they'd often take him for trips out of the house so I could have a rest. I haven't had any of that for the past year, but I know how much they're missing him and that means a lot. We're crossing our fingers for this summer and planning lots of thing together. I would find it much harder if they were indifferent, I think.

Yamaya · 10/03/2021 06:58

My mum died and my partners mum and dad have died so it's just my dad in the grandparents department. He is in his 70s and very busy socially with his new wife. I didn't have any help when my babies were little, apart from a vague offer to watch them in the evening occasionally while I can go out with my partner. Which although something, is not what you want when your kids are up in the night every 30 minutes to 2 hours! Would have killed for someone to take them out in the buggy, or anywhere for a few hours. Still have no help from my dad or brother and his wife even though it's been promised lots of times. I think the pandemic has been a great excuse to be honest.

Happyface120 · 10/03/2021 06:58

We are so lucky to have my in laws literally on the doorstep. They collect kids from school 3x per week, take them in some days as well. They have them whenever we want really, so we can run together at the weekend, or in normal times go for dinner. The kids have a fantastic relationship with them, as do we. I honestly don't know what we would do without them

peak2021 · 10/03/2021 06:59

YANBU to recognise the role grandparents can play. My two grandmothers did not live local to me, but they brought something different and special to my childhood. I doubt my experience is unique.

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