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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have realised what a difference grandparents might make?

266 replies

Milkthecow · 10/03/2021 05:58

Obviously I know not everyone has grandparents that are willing to help or local enough to do so.

But if they are what a difference it must make. My dd won’t be put down in the day and so I really struggle to get stuff done. I’m imagining a world where grandparents would take her for a walk for an hour a day just to give me some time to unwind a bit!

OP posts:
Yamaya · 10/03/2021 07:00

Also had to bite my tongue lots of times listening to friends complain about their parents or parents in law buying their kids too much. Oh no not another dress, or toy! They have so much already Hmm

zigaziga · 10/03/2021 07:01

Yes I agree. Those with parents locally seem to have all formed childcare bubbles, whether they strictly need childcare or not, and I am SO ENVIOUS!!

Original poster
Milkthecow · 10/03/2021 07:04

Me too zig

She has a sling ra but doesn’t really like it. She will usually tolerate it if outside but if I want her in it while I make and eat lunch, unload the washing machine, hoover ... forget it!

OP posts:
BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl · 10/03/2021 07:06

I do think some people are so unaware of how different life would be without them. Id love for my children to have that relarionship, and have someone to phone and be excited about kids doing x/getting a certificate/first day of school.

Now my kids are older I'm (mostly) over it but I did resent my parents for having no interest whatsoever and beig mean when i struggled.

roarfeckingroarr · 10/03/2021 07:06

Yup we don't have any help and it's become obvious now we have a 5 month old DS. Both our mothers passed away, my dad is too old to help physically and DH's is in France: I would so so love to have support from a parent, ideally my mum.

GreenBalaclava · 10/03/2021 07:09

Yes, my parents live over an hour away but used to come over once a week to help out - and yes it was a godsend! I'll try to do the same for my DC when they have kids if I can.

suziedoozy · 10/03/2021 07:10

One of my sisters has my parents really close to her & throughout lockdowns has used them for a few hours a day every day for childcare. In addition my nephew stays over at least one night a week and whenever he fancies.

When that sister (SAHM) complains about the stresses of childcare / having parents nearby I find it so difficult to be supportive as we are at least 200 miles away from both set of parents

Dustyhedge · 10/03/2021 07:11

I think some people do take it for granted and take the financial savings for granted too. We’ve not got any locally but our in-laws are very engaged. My eldest is now reaching the point where she will be able to go and spend a week with them during holidays which will help massively.

I think the biggest thing for my friends with local grandparents is emergency childcare, school pick-ups, getting the odd hour to do things and have a break and during the pandemic having a support bubble and much more normality.

WildfirePonie · 10/03/2021 07:12

My parents are 5 min drive away. They don't help. We barely talk nowadays and they wonder why ?!

Original poster
Milkthecow · 10/03/2021 07:15

My parents would be 76 and 75 if they’d lived so I can quite see a full day childcare might be too much. In any case I’m on maternity leave so won’t need it until the end of the year.

But it would be so much easier if I had an hour or so to myself, even every other day!

OP posts:
HumphreyCobblers · 10/03/2021 07:15

I have always been envious of those with grandparents willing and able to help. Neither set of ours has looked after our children.

It must be so lovely for the children to have that special relationship with their grandparents too. I didn’t have that as a child either.

ThornAmongstRoses · 10/03/2021 07:17

Grandparents have been a God Send to us.

My FIL lives on the same road as us and is wonderful to call upon when we have a child emergency. For example he will take/collect my eldest child to school for me if my youngest is unwell so don’t want to drag him on the school run, if I have some kind of appointment he will watch the boys for me for an hour here and there, if I have to work short notice he will take the boys for the day etc. He’s an absolute God Send.

My dad is also amazing. Every 2-3 weeks he will have the boys from Friday evening through to Sunday evening for us so we get a nice weekend break.

My mom isn’t quite as forthcoming but if we needed her in an emergency she will always help out with the children.

Although they are all available for regular childcare (two are retired and the other works two days) we never have and never would ask them for regular childcare. Our children have always gone to childminders since they were 9-12 months old, it’s something we both felt strongly about.

My mom spent years looking after my sister’s children whilst she was at work and I always said I wouldn’t do the same as although my mom offered as it would save my sister some money, I know it was something she really struggled with.

shouldistop · 10/03/2021 07:18

But it would be so much easier if I had an hour or so to myself, even every other day!

Do you have a partner? If so, can they not take the baby out in the pram for an hour every other day (even if it's in the evening)?

DorisLessingsCat · 10/03/2021 07:18

I did this. My stepson and his wife had a very colicky baby and I would go over and just take him out for a couple of hours in his pram so they could have a break from hearing him cry. We'd bring meals over with us so they didn't have to cook.

It was such a small thing to do but helped them get through the early weeks and months.

delightfuldaisy19 · 10/03/2021 07:19

My parents were amazing. Yes - walks whenever I wanted, sleepovers from 9 months, 2 days of childcare when I went back to work. Sometimes I'd pop in, leave dd downstairs and go for a sleep in my old bedroom. Dd has an amazing relationship with them now - she has her own room there and often pops round to spend an afternoon evening - to watch crap tv and eat chocolate.

I do know that I am incredibly lucky and I hope that I will be able to do the same one day.

Original poster
Milkthecow · 10/03/2021 07:21

DH works very full time and in non covid times away. I do think he doesn’t realise how full on it is and I don’t want to sound like I’m moaning.

OP posts:
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 10/03/2021 07:21

My mum lives 5 minutes away, dad died years ago and the relationship she has with my daughter is wonderful. I love that they do their own things together but love how much joy she has brought my mum who enriches my daughter's life with her experience and wisdom. Sometimes l feel sad she only has one grandparent but it is all she has ever known and quality over quantity right? Absolute Godsend.

BigPaperBag · 10/03/2021 07:23

I was a single parent for 9 years and couldn’t have done it without the support of my mum. She was the only one of the 4 grandparents who bothered, none of the others ever reached out, even after me calling in the early days. I gave up in the end. Anyway, she helped loads with looking after him if I was stuck in school holidays and taking me shopping. Just in general, so grateful.

ClarkeGriffin · 10/03/2021 07:26

It does make a difference, but you can't have children expecting they will help then be annoyed they don't. It was your choice to have kids, not theirs. It sucks, but that's life sometimes. Some people seem to just expect it of the grand parents and have no intention of paying childcare. I know one woman who uses her children as a weapon against her in laws, they must be childcare or they'll never see the kids again. It's quite sad as they are very old and can't really look after them.

shouldistop · 10/03/2021 07:26

DH works very full time and in non covid times away. I do think he doesn’t realise how full on it is and I don’t want to sound like I’m moaning.

It's perfectly ok to ask him for support. Are you getting out at all for walks with another mum or anything?

DoWhatYouWantTo · 10/03/2021 07:26

@speakout

It must be amazing to have grandparents to support. We only had one grandparent surviving with small kids, my mother. Although she lived locally and was able didn't ever want to watch the children. I had to give up my career.
You sound like its grannys fault you have to leave your job. Maybe you shouldn't have planned for them to have baby without asking? No?
shouldistop · 10/03/2021 07:29

@DoWhatYouWantTo I didn't read pp comments that she'd planned that at all. Some careers aren't compatible at all with children. Childcare is only available during certain times after all.

speakout · 10/03/2021 07:30

DoWhatYouWantTo Wed 10-Mar-21 07:26:57
*
You sound like its grannys fault you have to leave your job. Maybe you shouldn't have planned for them to have baby without asking? No?

Not at all.
I knew before I planned a family that I would have no family childcare.
It was never an expectation that my mother would help me out.

Original poster
Milkthecow · 10/03/2021 07:31

Well considering mine are dead clark I didn’t have children expecting them to help out! Although I don’t think a walk a couple of times a week is loads to ask!

OP posts:
ClarkeGriffin · 10/03/2021 07:32

@speakout

*DoWhatYouWantTo Wed 10-Mar-21 07:26:57 * You sound like its grannys fault you have to leave your job. Maybe you shouldn't have planned for them to have baby without asking? No?*

Not at all.
I knew before I planned a family that I would have no family childcare.
It was never an expectation that my mother would help me out.

From what you said though, it does sound like you're annoyed at her for it.