To have realised what a difference grandparents might make?

[Milkthecow]

Obviously I know not everyone has grandparents that are willing to help or local enough to do so.

But if they are what a difference it must make. My dd won’t be put down in the day and so I really struggle to get stuff done. I’m imagining a world where grandparents would take her for a walk for an hour a day just to give me some time to unwind a bit!

It's nice if people can get help from grandparents, but it's not always possible. We are grandparents, but work part time and have busy lives so no childcare from us. To be honest - I'm happy to help out from time to time but wouldn't want to commit to any regular child minding duties. I did my stint when I had my own children, I think I get to have more freedom now.
I'm afraid that might be an unpopular view here but there you go.

I did my stint when I had my own children, I think I get to have more freedom now.

Well, it’s up to the individual. It’s a shame when children are spoken of like a life sentence though.

It’s good to see so many posters appreciating the help/input from grandparents , or wishing theirs lived nearer. I have read so much vitriol and negativity on here, directed towards grandparents, that I began to be fearful of becoming one. ‘They’ve had their turn..’ and suchlike comments usually prevail.

@Milkthecow

I did my stint when I had my own children, I think I get to have more freedom now.

Well, it’s up to the individual. It’s a shame when children are spoken of like a life sentence though.

In fairness the poster did say they were happy to help!

If looking after small children wasn't hard work so many people wouldn't be craving GP help. You can love and cherish children and acknowledge that it's tough at the same time.

YADNBU. I’m profoundly lucky to have very willing and able GPs close by and it makes a huge difference to us. I really feel for those who don’t have that support, you’re bloody heroes.

My PIL are about 20 minutes away and have been an absolute godsend, they are very very supportive but not overbearing. My MIL is fantastic with my toddler. They take him 1 day a week (today, hurrah!) So I can rest with just 2m old DD to look after. I would be a total mess without their support. She also brings me cake every so often. My parents are almost 4 hours away, but outside of lockdown come over regularly too. 3/4 of the grand parents are ex teachers so they are just great. I know I am very lucky to have this!!

To be honest, one of the things I remember being struck by when I joined Mn first was how many people appeared to live close to their parents and the expectation that, if not actually providing regular childcare to facilitate parental working, they were at least offering regular respite or babysitting at night.

I’ve always lived in a different country to mine, and the vast majority of my friends too, so we’ve all only ever used paid childcare, so it was an entirely new set of norms for me.

Oh of course doris but there’s a huge difference between 24/7 and an hour and a half every other day.

But I’m not talking about childcare silurian. As I say I’m on maternity leave. Just the odd hour here and there!

Those who have child care on tap live in a different world: if I want to have a break my partner needs to look after the children and vice versa. If we want to leave the house together then the children have to come. Before the youngest started nursery I couldn’t go to the dentist or doctor or optician or hospital without bringing the children. Not to mention the cost of childcare putting a stake through my career.

That said we’re very lucky as a family in lots of other ways which I’m sure we take for granted.

My parents both work full time but help when they can which has been a great help but they're not very fond of overnights which I understand as my kids aren't great sleepers. They maybe have one sleepover every few months.

My in laws are older so say they don't have the energy but recently have made more of an effort which I massively appreciate.

For the majority of the time, it's just me and the kids.

My grandparents rescued me from my abusive mother and took me back the UK with them to live on their Dorset farm. They were the most amazing , hardworking and loving couple. They taught me so much more than I ever would have got otherwise and catching the bus straight from school to the beach with your friends is a memory I treasure. I miss them so much.

For all those struggling, please reach out for help. I am a doula and I have been responding to requests these past few weeks to simply be there to listen and sometimes to pop in and hold a baby while the mother switches off for an hour. This year is so hard when we can't have a change of scene, chat with neighbours, go to drop in clinics, baby activities or sit in a coffee shop and chat to strangers while they coo over your baby who hasn't left your arms for 100 days.

It really does make a difference if you are fortunate with the stars aligning to have healthy, willing and retired grandparents able to help.
I had my DM who had just retired and DF nearby who wanted to help/have our DD’s and my DB 2 on a regular basis.
The practical help like collecting the sick child from school and having them until you finish work or having then at short notice for a crisis or appointment.
Not to mention the money saved in nursery fees as mine picked up 2 days a week when they were tiny and then did after school when older.
We were always grateful and aware they gave up a lot of their free retirement time but they did offer and we did not take them for granted. The other side was that we didn’t ever have a lot of weekend help or sleepovers as we felt they had done enough in the week!
They had lovely relationships with the grand children and the saddest thing is we lost my DM before she had rime to enjoy the older years with them dropping in to chat or go out for some shopping etc.
God I will never forget the help we had and hope to offer it if mine live nearby. I remember just sitting in their lounge with a tiny baby and just having the emotional support and company.

An hour and a half every other day (presumably at the hour of someone else's choosing) is actually a pretty big commitment - unless you live next door or just sit home waiting for your gloomy existence to be lightened up by caring for a grandchild.

I must admit I was thinking of an arrangement of up to a day a week plus emergencies when it gets to my turn.

Could you befriend any local older people? My sister has a friend who's just had a baby and she can't wait to help out once rules allow.

I feel for you OP. I didn't have much help at all and it's really hard. Just the odd bit of support makes all the difference.

I think the same. I work with 3 other mums. 1 can work any days as she has in in laws and parents to provide childcare on tap, similarly the other mum has a mother who finishes work at 1 so can have the baby from then so again she can commit to any working days on the rota and the 3rd mum also has grandparent so just says put me in any day. I'm the only nurse that has to ask for set days for childcare ( nursery). I get jealous . My mum lives one hour away and works full time. She doesn't drive so although she will have our son on a weekend day if we work it involves us having to travel 4 hours in total lol. Then my mother in law is living with a man she has only known 5 minutes and has also now moved one hour away so I wouldn't be comfortable with her having him now as the new man has all estranged adult children that don't speak to him so I just don't no what kind of person he is and don't want to risk my 2 year old with him .

It is hugely helpful. My parents help with my toddlers twice a week and it is lovely. I’m a SAHM so don’t need them for childcare but it is a win for all of us really. I get time to work on house renovation. DC get lots of love and fun one to one time. Grandparents adore it and have a lot of fun too. This support was a factor in us deciding where to buy our family house.

Also I find it quite stressful when mother in law visits as he it just doubles my work load ( if partner is at work) she is then just another person I have to make tea for. Sort food out. She basically just watches me parent and I find it stressful for example last time my toddler wouldn't walk in the same direction as us and she just watched me trying to Reason with him and picking him up etc as he was all over the place in the street I normally wouldn't take him in street/ road areas but she said she would hold his hand ( which didn't end up happening ). I had horrendous morning sickness as currently pregnant with 2nd child it would have been nice if she would have said she would take him for a walk in the buggy so I could have an hour rest but no I just had her stuck with me most of the day watching what I was doing.

I live in a town where a lot of people seem to stay for life. Most of my Mum friends have both sets of grandparents local and seemingly eager to help. My parents both died when I was young, my in laws are wonderful but hundreds of miles away. I must admit that pre pandemic I often could’ve cried with jealousy/sadness when my Mum friends were being looked after by their own Mums though that’s probably down to missing my Mum more than anything else and I’m sure I wouldn’t feel that way if she were still alive.
On the flip side many of them really struggled with the first lockdown and not having that help on tap in the same way whereas because DH and I have always relied on each other anyway, we became closer and stronger as a family unit.

I do wish my in laws were local though, not so much for the help but for the closeness that the DC could have with grandparents that they could see weekly.

Yanbu.
I'm a lone parent and tend to get a night off once a year. And that's always been on a work night.
I look at people whose dc's can stay at grandparents regularly and wonder what it must be like having the brain space and opportunity to recharge.

Problem with doulas etc is they (rightly!) aren’t free. Might consider with no2, although I don’t really want anyone at the birth other than DH.

My DS's grandparents still work full time so they were never available to do that kind of thing. My mum babysits occasionally on a weekend if I want to go out but I don't ask often as weekends are her down time after working all week.

@Pyewackect Your grandparents sound wonderful.

Granny regularly came over & held DC when I was on maternity leave so I could have a bath or something, it was very helpful.

Having said that DH was out the house 6am-9pm most days so I was insanely envious of friends whose DH did “normal” jobs and were only out the house say 8am-6pm. So I really needed the help from Granny. Super grateful.

Sadly not getting any help at the moment due to Covid.