Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have realised what a difference grandparents might make?

266 replies

Milkthecow · 10/03/2021 05:58

Obviously I know not everyone has grandparents that are willing to help or local enough to do so.

But if they are what a difference it must make. My dd won’t be put down in the day and so I really struggle to get stuff done. I’m imagining a world where grandparents would take her for a walk for an hour a day just to give me some time to unwind a bit!

OP posts:
Abracadabra12345 · 13/03/2021 10:06

I’ve quoted @Franklyfrost in my post as our grandparent-less-childcare experiences are similar

FuckingFabulous · 13/03/2021 10:17

My DCs grandparents are pretty useless

BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl · 13/03/2021 10:19

It is a completely different world isn't it.

I have 2 close friends who are now quite senior in their roles. I have told them how wonderful they have done. Both of them attribute this to having both sets of grandparents helping out after school etc while they were more entry level. Always someone to watch them at school etc.

Totallyfedup1979 · 13/03/2021 10:31

My parents love my son and are really proud of him, but aren’t bothered about spending time with him. Never have really. Just on the odd occasion. If I ask, they will have him to stay...but you can tell most of the time it’s reluctantly. Actually, my dad is pretty blatant and will sulk if mum says yes 😂
Even when he was a baby, they weren’t particularly interested and that’s fine.

My husband’s mum is the same. Completely unbothered and has her own things to do. She baby sat for us maybe a handful of times at our house, but only an hour or two at most and usually had to be bribed. She has never had our son to hers and certainly never over night.

My son is nearly 16 now and I wouldn’t say he has a very close relationship with any of his grandparents. He sees MIL a few times a year. He sees my parents once every few months.

Sometimes I find it a little sad, as I had the best relationships with my own grandparents. They were really involved with us kids and everything was centred around us. I think that maybe times have just changed?

ERFFER · 13/03/2021 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomPatternedTiles · 13/03/2021 11:43

We've been exceptionally lucky to have two sets of fully involved and supportive parents. It has made the world of difference to us, especially as we have had periods where my DH has been very unwell indeed and it was honestly a lifeline.

It has also meant that the DC have a very close relationship with them.

I fully appreciate how lucky we are, and we absolutely intend to pay it forward if and when we become grandparents. I would want to do that for my own children, I can't imagine ever not wanting to.

namechange63524 · 13/03/2021 13:47

There's often a lack of understanding from people without GP support e.g. just get a babysitter for an hour, why don't you get away for a night with partner etc, ad hoc support if running late etc.

Redruby2020 · 13/03/2021 15:28

I see both sides of it, as I have known people close to me who had less or more help than I have. I feel like we become almost 'entitled' which is wrong, as I always think well our parents have had their time working/bringing up kids etc. But then it's not supposed to be done alone, in other countries it is different. And I think it should happen as just a part of the circle of life that we all continue on with.

But then it all depends on your relationship with your parents and how close you live. Some don't live close by, but they travel and stay for periods of time, others nearer by and don't help out much at all. I think it's also nice if grandparents want to actually just see the child/ren, as opposed to it just being because you asked.

Sahm101 · 13/03/2021 15:47

I actually don't know many friend or any other people whose dp's provide regular childcare. I would imagine that most gps would have their own busy lives instead of committing a good few days of the week taking care of gc. I'm sure it's very normal and common, just not something I have seen. I love my dc to bits, but I can't imagine when I am older and they have their own kids that I would want to do any regular childcare.
I don't have much of a relationship with my own dp's but dhs are lovely. It just never occurred to me to even ask them for any childcare. I don't know, maybe I feel their days are over and I don't think it's right to ask that of them. Or maybe I know that I would not want to do it, so I don't think of them doing that.
The 2 friends whose parents provide babysitting or regular childcare are very involved in the kids lives. So much to the point my friends complain about some unwanted opinions or frictions at times. I would hate that.
I also think times have changed so much. My own gm was available and was a sahp all her life. My dm and IL work so they don't have capacity in any case.

Slacktide · 13/03/2021 16:43

I was reminded of this thread while buying a Mother's Day card -- there was a card that actually said (with what I thought was slightly weird specificity) THANK YOU, MUM, FOR LOOKING AFTER THE CHILDREN,
It had one of those little stickers on the front plastic telling you it was a card specifically for thanking your mother for looking after your children, presumably in case someone short-sightedly bought one and presented it to a mother who couldn't pick her grandchildren out of a police line-up. Grin

crimsonlake · 13/03/2021 16:45

I had no family near when mine were small, I just got on with it and to be honest I have never expected anyone to help. I suppose you do not miss what you never had. I know my mum used to do a lot for my sister's when they had little ones as they lived close, however I never felt any resentment as I understood

RidingMyBike · 13/03/2021 19:25

I do sometimes wonder if my DM is just not interested in her grandchildren because she didn't have any G-P support either - 3 dead and the other housebound/very frail when she had her children. But she sees her friends being very hands on with their GC and is really scathing about it! It's not lack of time as she took early retirement in her 50s before my eldest nephew was born.
She also seems to have forgotten that my parents had multiple friends of their parents who had our whole family round for a full day of meals/activity at least one weekend a month. So she actually got a break/meals cooked by someone else etc fairly often, which we just don't have. No overnight stays - we didn't stay overnight away from our parents until sleepovers with school friends started.

RedcurrantPuff · 13/03/2021 19:27

My parents have been absolute lifesavers since I had my children. Life would have been so much harder without them.

RedcurrantPuff · 13/03/2021 19:29

And no I didn’t have children expecting them to help out but they love their family and want to help. Same as my gran did which made things easier for my parents

sweetpotatopie12 · 14/03/2021 09:58

Grandparents are everything. My mum and dad were hands on from the start with my two year old. They always wanted to be grandparents. My mum passed away two months ago. There is a massive hole in our lives.

Northernsoulgirl45 · 14/03/2021 10:14

Not having grandparents is so shit. I miss my parents terribly today especially my mum. Both died before dd3 was even born. No grandparents on dhs side either.
It is not even about help really. It's about having someone else who loves them them. The one bloody blessing of this lockdown was the school not having poxy grandparents day.

namechange63524 · 14/03/2021 19:24

@sweetpotatopie12

Grandparents are everything. My mum and dad were hands on from the start with my two year old. They always wanted to be grandparents. My mum passed away two months ago. There is a massive hole in our lives.
I am sorry for your loss. I had this and know what I lost when my mum died. She didn't meet my third baby.
Springsoonplease · 14/03/2021 19:46

For those who had grandparents locally , but declined to give any help .. what reason did they give ? And did you ask for help directly ? .. and they said no.?
We have already been told that we are expected to look after gc when they do arrive, wereas our parents said no as it was their time now / we dont always want kids about.. its made me wonder if its a generational thing. ? We didnt have a childfree night in the first nine years.. always had to ask .. it was not offered wereas our dc expect it ..

speakout · 14/03/2021 19:59

Springsoonplease

I didn't ask for help directly, but my mother made it clear it was too much work and effort to look after small children. She always loved seeing them, but really only enjoyed the fun parts of being a grandmother.

Springsoonplease · 16/03/2021 14:13

Speakout . Yes exactly like mine. I felt a bit hurt whilst also feeling its their right. I wanted them t want to do it i suppose.

Ragwort · 16/03/2021 14:50

Spring can you clarify what your mean? Have your adult children told you that you are expected to provide childcare?

Sorry If I have misunderstood but I would be appalled if my grown up DS told me he 'expected' me to provide childcare.

BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl · 17/03/2021 08:52

Gosh I think expecting grandparents to regularly babysit is a bit much.

I definitely want to be involved in my grandkids if I have them and spend time being with the, go to the zoo all together etc. But I don't expect to be regularly seeing them without their parents.

I'd be happy if my kids had an interested adult they could share life with. And someone I could talk to and share what is going on with them - talk about the random dental issue/ good day at school/new sport etc. I don't expect regular babysitting!

RoseLimeade · 17/03/2021 09:02

@BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl

Gosh I think expecting grandparents to regularly babysit is a bit much.

I definitely want to be involved in my grandkids if I have them and spend time being with the, go to the zoo all together etc. But I don't expect to be regularly seeing them without their parents.

I'd be happy if my kids had an interested adult they could share life with. And someone I could talk to and share what is going on with them - talk about the random dental issue/ good day at school/new sport etc. I don't expect regular babysitting!

Same, I’m quite shocked there are parents who expect grandparents to provide regular care and then get upset when they don’t. That’s so alien to me. We chose to have our child, they didn’t. They’re living their lives now after doing plenty of child rearing. I want them to have a close relationship but realistically that will be meeting up hopefully once per month ish, for a few hours of all hanging out together. They don’t owe us anything when it comes to our child.
RoseLimeade · 17/03/2021 09:07

@speakout

Springsoonplease

I didn't ask for help directly, but my mother made it clear it was too much work and effort to look after small children. She always loved seeing them, but really only enjoyed the fun parts of being a grandmother.

And that’s perfectly okay.

Small children are a lot of work and it’s absolutely fair not to want to do it when you haven’t chosen to have that child.

It’s nice that she is interested in having a relationship with them for the ‘fun’ parts, cherish that.

Skeroooerrat · 17/03/2021 09:17

My mother has never spent any time with either of my children alone and they are now 11 and 6. She has never, ever taken any personal interest in either child. Some emotional and physical support at some points over their lives, especially in the wake of an horrific divorce in my daughters early years was desperately needed. It breaks my heart and hardens it against her if I'm truly honest - if I'm capable, I have sworn to myself I will be there to support my children when they parernt. As a decent human being I find it staggering that gps feel entitled to support from adult children while offering very little to their grandchildren citing that it's 'time to be fun'.