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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have realised what a difference grandparents might make?

266 replies

Milkthecow · 10/03/2021 05:58

Obviously I know not everyone has grandparents that are willing to help or local enough to do so.

But if they are what a difference it must make. My dd won’t be put down in the day and so I really struggle to get stuff done. I’m imagining a world where grandparents would take her for a walk for an hour a day just to give me some time to unwind a bit!

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 17/03/2021 09:21

I didn't expect my parents to do childcare but my mum also explicitly told me she didn't want to! Before I had kids.

ClearMountain · 17/03/2021 09:23

Having grandparents would save my marriage. I haven’t spent an evening alone with my husband for four years. I often think if we got divorced we’d both be able to have adult time with someone else while the other parent has DC.

RoseLimeade · 17/03/2021 09:26

@BertieBotts

I didn't expect my parents to do childcare but my mum also explicitly told me she didn't want to! Before I had kids.
Very kind of her to let you know ahead of time, I have friends who had kids assuming grandparents would be taking a hands on role and who were very disappointed when it turned out that wasn’t the case. If you discuss it beforehand then you can decide on kids with that knowledge in mind. Of course things change and people can decide they don’t want to do childcare after all or suddenly pass away.
saracorona · 17/03/2021 10:34

I raised my youngest with no grandparents and I found it much tougher on every front. It still makes me a little sad when the others chat occasionally of happy memories of when they were little with their grandparents

SavingsQuestions · 17/03/2021 10:40

I think its a good idea to state it before having kids as you see from threads on here some people feel entitled to a day a week whilst working etc. And its good to be able to plan knowing that wont be the case.

LST · 17/03/2021 10:46

I don't know what I'd do without my mum. She picks the kids up everyday after school and when they were at home and I was trying to work she came round everyday to homeschool as she was furloughed. I am extremely thankful to her.

SavingsQuestions · 17/03/2021 12:14

Wow you are incredibly lucky LST!

SavingsQuestions · 17/03/2021 12:15

I guess you'd be paying for afterschool club/childminder and if you couldn't homeschool/work from home they'd either be in school this last lockdown or a lot of screen time!

SixyTixts · 17/03/2021 12:21

@Milkthecow

Obviously I know not everyone has grandparents that are willing to help or local enough to do so.

But if they are what a difference it must make. My dd won’t be put down in the day and so I really struggle to get stuff done. I’m imagining a world where grandparents would take her for a walk for an hour a day just to give me some time to unwind a bit!

Agreed - especially those whose parents have retired specifically to help with childcare, or moved towns (or even cities), again, specifically to help with childcare.

Funnily enough, of my friends who have had grandparents to do the childcare, they have managed to climb up the housing ladder / do amazing extensions, very rapidly! I wonder why?!?!

SavingsQuestions · 17/03/2021 12:58

Yes I've noticed that too!

Either that or in a very well paid job (or partner is) to be able to afford to outsource to nanny/cleaner/etc.

LST · 17/03/2021 13:56

@SavingsQuestions

I guess you'd be paying for afterschool club/childminder and if you couldn't homeschool/work from home they'd either be in school this last lockdown or a lot of screen time!
I am currently working from home for the foreseeable, so dp could technically do the school pick up by take half an hour each day from work. But as my mum ties in walking her dog with picking up the dc it works well for us. I dont know what I would have done without her
Redruby2020 · 18/03/2021 04:18

@Skeroooerrat

My mother has never spent any time with either of my children alone and they are now 11 and 6. She has never, ever taken any personal interest in either child. Some emotional and physical support at some points over their lives, especially in the wake of an horrific divorce in my daughters early years was desperately needed. It breaks my heart and hardens it against her if I'm truly honest - if I'm capable, I have sworn to myself I will be there to support my children when they parernt. As a decent human being I find it staggering that gps feel entitled to support from adult children while offering very little to their grandchildren citing that it's 'time to be fun'.
What's the 'time to be fun' mean? In regards to GP's expecting help from older children, isn't that just because they raised you etc, then expect some support the other end of life?
Blueberries0112 · 18/03/2021 04:27

I am not even sure our daughter knows she have a grandparent. They live far it would take us a couple days to get their house. But they never seem to request to talk to her.

Marvelwife123 · 18/03/2021 04:32

My mother told me “she has done her time” which I find a bit offensive, especially as they are occasionally helping my sister out with childcare. I’m happy for them not to want to be actively involved they are my children I just hate the phrase. I can’t imagine it’s fine to say that about an elderly relative who needs a bit of support “I’ve done my time so I’m not helping”

I would love for some family to be more actively involved as most friends have a better support network than us but we manage it’s ok and one day I might actually get a few hours alone with my OH. After all having children was our decision.

Just made me realise if I ever get the pleasure of having grandchildren I will want to be more involved and help more as I know I would have really appreciated it...especially as I have 2 none sleepers 😴

mdinbc · 18/03/2021 05:23

Joining in as a granny. I have 4 grandchildren, two in town and two living quite far away that i see a few times a year.

I did not have my mother nearby raising children, but did have my MIL who occasionally babysat, but never took them overnight. So I have a fair perspective for quite a few of you that have joined in this conversation.

Quite a few grandparents still work full time (I do), so a few hours on the weekend or during the week is a good portion of my off hours. I love to have my local GC over on a Sunday afternoon to hang out, allowing parents to do as they please. Occasionally a sleepover on a Sat night, but pick them up by noon - we are tired by then!

Remember too that a lot of grandparents also have living parents and are caregivers to them. Bringing Great-gran to shopping, doctors appts and visiting. We aren't call the sandwich generation for nothing.

Being a distance grandparent is heart-wrenching and hard for us as well. We miss them and want to be a part of their lives. We also don't want to be a nuisance, Face-timing at inconvenient hours. Try to work with them to let them know when is a good time to FT, so the kids get to know us and build a relationship. When we do visit, then the little ones can be comfortable while you take off for a long awaited date-night.

Also know that there are many distance grandparents that would really love to connect to little ones nearby. There are some organized groups (although I am not in the UK and don't know names) that can provide support and connection between generations. That woman at the grocery store or in the neighbourhood that stops to chat to your little ones might just be pining for a connection. Take notice of church or social groups, you just might make a new friend from another generation.

Hugs to all that miss having grandparents nearby Flowers

charlottemont · 18/03/2021 05:25

My parents are in the US (I'm American but live in the UK) and I very much wish that they were closer. I always dreamt of living in London and am so grateful to have been able to move here, but that is the one thing that has made it very difficult. I have always been independent so I did not think of it much when making the decision to move, but having children definitely changed my perspective.

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