To have realised what a difference grandparents might make?

[Milkthecow]

Obviously I know not everyone has grandparents that are willing to help or local enough to do so.

But if they are what a difference it must make. My dd won’t be put down in the day and so I really struggle to get stuff done. I’m imagining a world where grandparents would take her for a walk for an hour a day just to give me some time to unwind a bit!

Years back, I had a friend invite me round and we were having a good chat, and she just paused at one point as she realized the time to say that she was just going to go call her mum to pick up her DD from nursery. And her mum did - about 15 minutes later, her DD and mum came in, they talked for a few minutes, and then her mum left again.

It was a kinda 'how the other half live' sort of moment for me. No envy, it was just completely different to my experience of just me and my spouse.

YANBU to feel it would make a big difference for better or worse would depend on the people involved (and different people involved may have different opinions on it) -- though you are a bit U for fearing 'sounding like [you're] moaning' to your DH for wanting the very basic want of a bit of quiet and space regularly while dealing with the heavy load of an infant. If there is anyone you should feel free to discuss the burdens of parenting with and work to manage with, it should be your DH (particularly when he's the other parent). It's hard when one parent works long hours and/or away regularly, but hopefully you can find a way to tweak things that can make a big difference.

This sounds stupid but I doubt we would have tried for a baby if i didn't have a great support network. My mum abs dad are brilliant and have my DS whenever he or I want and I'm extra lucky in that my grandma is still young and very able so she also will look after him if my mum can't for whatever reason. It is a huge blessing.

@Milkthecow no.. not free though I do wish there was more support of this kind available / funded / charity. A lot of us do offer help to those in need. I would say that at least 25% of my work is simply showing up to lend a hand without pay.

Doula support does not have to be a full package for the birth, post natal support can be one off.. ad hoc.. etc.

But yes, I totally agree, having you Mum pop in, clear away the breakfast things, hold your baby while you eat and take them out in the pram so you can have a shower without listening out for the baby is ideal.

My parents and in-laws are great grandparents, unfortunately it is not to my kids! The in-laws especially have been so busy being effectively parents to my sil’s kids that they have had no time to be grandparents to my own. I actually feel it worse now my kids are teenagers as I listen to them having conversations with their grandparents (albeit rarely) and it is like they are talking to strangers, very polite and stilted. Such a shame.

@Milkthecow, expecting grandparents to take your child out "for a walk for an hour a day" is a lot to ask!

I feel this way too, my own parents can't have them and DH's parents won't, even for an hour. They'll have their other grandchild overnight no problem! That child is younger so there's no reason, just favouritism.
I don't even want the break, just for them to have grandparents.

I'll tell you where I got some good advice on this, standing in an orchard from a nun of all people! We were on holiday and she was admiring my two kids who were quite young then. She asked if I had any help with them, meaning grandparents, and I said no. I remember feeling so exhausted and sorry for myself stood among the mandarin trees of the monastery, and she said 'It's better that way. You are going to be the biggest influence on your children, they'll take on your views and worldview without it conflicting with someone else's."
That did make me feel better, I have no help from my MIL (apart from a gratefully accepted plate of food, she's too old for anything else) and my parents live in another country. We go on maybe one date a year when they are over to watch the kids. My sister on the other hand lives 10 minutes from them, has been spoilt rotten by all their free childcare and is still ungrateful and critical of them. They in turn resent how critical she is of them and have started to pull back, which my sister is really feeling now as she's never had to deal with two kids on her own.
It's a huge blessing to have grandparents to take care of children, but it doesn't come without strings attached.

my parents had all my siblings kids after school and practically all weekends , i still lived at home as the youngest and was basically treated as unpaid childcare. When i went on to have kids myself , my parents told me that they were done with looking after kids now that nieces and nephews were all teens , no one in the family would even agree to watch them for a few hours and has completely soured my relationships with them.

It is great. My parents, grandparents and mother in law all live in the same village as us. My DS goes away out to play about 11am and I rarely see him again until supper time. I can track him with his watch so can see he's been to one of their houses to get fed at lunchtime 😂😂
They love it too. I'd be lost without them, especially for after school care.

[quote notanothertakeaway]@Milkthecow, expecting grandparents to take your child out "for a walk for an hour a day" is a lot to ask![/quote]
Why? It’s hypothetical in my case so not “expected” and isn’t particularly rigid either, as in the world wouldn’t end and relations wouldn’t be strained if they had said ‘sorry, we have to do X.’ But I’m not seeing how a walk for an hour a day a few times a week is a horrendous thing to ask from your own mum and dad.

@BugsAndBeesAndBirdsAndButterfl I appreciate every thing that they do for me.

For the majority of people I know, it's very normal for grandparents to have them for sleepovers every 2-3 weeks so once every 6 months isn't considered often.

It’s horrible when grandparents favour one set of grandchildren over another. I wonder why

@Milkthecow

Because it dictates their life, they may stop booking holidays, their friends may plan something for an afternoon but they’ve committed to walking a child and don’t want to let the parent down.

Once retired they want to be spontaneous and not locked Into a weekly commitment

@areyoumeop

Because they are 15 or so years older!! Makes it harder to have little kids

I practically worship the ground my children’s grandparents walk on!

I’m a working single mum with school age children. My children stay overnight mid-week with their paternal grandparents, meaning that I can work longer hours two days a week and have some time to myself. They have a beautiful relationship, which is especially important given that they are my ex’s parents (ex rarely contacts our children).

It does make me wistful for my own mum, who passed away, when I see the love and joy between my kids and Grandma. My dad lives abroad.

I couldn’t have dreamt of more amazingly supportive grandparents and love them dearly as close family.

[quote OverTheRainbow88]@Milkthecow

Because it dictates their life, they may stop booking holidays, their friends may plan something for an afternoon but they’ve committed to walking a child and don’t want to let the parent down.[/quote]
But it doesn’t because it isn’t a formal arrangement.

If I was demanding my Mum came around at 3 every day then yes.

If it is ... it would be great if you could but it doesn’t matter if you can’t ... that’s not dictating anyone’s life!

@Milkthecow because of the disruption to their every day lives. People do have lives before grandchildren - work, hobbies, medical appointments (these can take up quite a lot of time as you get older), friends, plus all the day to day living stuff that takes you longer as you get older. Unless they live with you or literally next door your "hour every second day" will be more like the best of a morning/afternoon every second day and that is a lot.

That’s lovely horrid sorry to hear you lost your own mum though.

Well, this is the third time of saying it wouldn’t be for an informal arrangement.

Does it disrupt anyone’s life if a friend suggests meeting for coffee on a Saturday morning (pre covid) and you say I can’t do this Saturday but I could do next Sunday. Are you free?

That’s the sort of thing I’m talking about. Although I think I’d have been fighting my dad away. Not sure about my mum but she’d have wanted to help me.

I couldn’t have dreamt of more amazingly supportive grandparents and love them dearly as close family.

That is lovely to read - such a positive situation for everyone!

We don’t have any help from grandparents - my PILs live too far away and wouldn’t really be up to it even if they lived nearby, and while my parents love the idea of being involved grandparents, they can’t be bothered with the reality.

Among friends, I’d say 50-60% have little to no grandparental help.

I do sometimes feel envious of people who have lots of grandparental help with children but I’m actually more envious of them having parents who they trust to look after their children. My dad is more than a little homophobic, racist and sexist and they both drink too much - even if they lived round the corner and desperately wanted to help I don’t think I’d be keen.

Btw I relate on the un-put-downable baby - as another poster said, I found the Ergobaby a godsend!

We have loads of family but never had any help from anyone ever. The grandparents are older now but would never have helped even when younger. I can see all sides, they have done their child rearing and don't want to mind or be responsible for children again and energy wise children can be very tiring especially if you are older! I'm 36 and tired now but thankfully my kids are out of the baby /toddler stages . For me it's more the fact that no one ever spends time with us like in playgrounds or my mum has never gone for even one walk with me with my dcs. We are definitely on the other extreme from what I see around me. Like I have sisters and brothers close in age to me but they wouldn't dream about helping out even when I was ill and had small babies and toddlers to look after no one would help but lovely messages about "get well soon", they knew I was struggling. I also have had to bring my dcs into dentist appointments and smear tests as I had no choice. Me and my dh are very 50/50 with everything and we swap over a lot to give each other breaks.
But I have found it quite lonely at times but we are now stronger and more independent as a result which is a positive. My family are all very kind with messages and cards they just don't really enjoy being around small children , it's very obvious.
I helped out family members and friends with small kids pre my own as I thought it was normal tbh...particularly when a parent was ill. That for me was the toughest , I had a flu-type illness once and my dh was away and I almost wasn't able to physically move to look after my dcs so I I had to set up the house with pillows blocking doors etc as had a very active toddler and baby, I was literally crawling around the place looking after them. I never had help bar my dh with newborns so was out doing school runs /shopping after two weeks. I think coronavirus must be a fckn nightmare for single parents with no support as how can you go to appointments and leave kids at home, you.can't. We have gotten babysitters but they aren't always v reliable and it's expensive here so 10 euro per hour which really adds up..Also re building up a support network which plp always mention, I have made wonderful friends and good neighbours but we don't swap babysitting and childcare ever as they all have family support.
I definitely don't expect help but am surprised at the extreme hands-offness in comparison to other families. It really summed it up for me when at a family wedding and I was trying to feed a baby and stop my other toddler running off, there were lots of kids and I saw other families where the aunties/uncles/grandparents were walking various toddlers around or holding babies to let the parents eat or give them a couple of mins, mine don't ever do that. I don't really understand it tbh. I would also say it's not just those with newborns that need support, every stage has big challenges..

@Houseofvelour wow your friend's families sound very close! That really is unusual!

I'm in an area where lots of people have family local so often feel jealous of the close families. But even here I probably only know a couple of people for whom regular sleepovers are the norm. But many many families where they will meet for Sunday lunch together, nan might do a school pickup or have the kids for tea, nan might come to the christmas nativity.

I honestly can't imagine having a sleepover as regularly as every few months. (My kids are teens now and it would only be if they both had friend sleepovers the same night.)

Not that I can magic up grandparents - but I wouldn't even want that, just the friendship and relationship and meal together etc.

Just to add, I had toddlers who slept like newborns but at least with newborns you can put them down. Toddlers run off, climb stuff, I couldn't get a thing done with toddlers but could with newborns.
I also had a velcro baby op and used a sling, they are now a gorg , affectionate 6 year old. Good luck op it will get easier re. being able to put them down