To have realised what a difference grandparents might make?

[Milkthecow]

Obviously I know not everyone has grandparents that are willing to help or local enough to do so.

But if they are what a difference it must make. My dd won’t be put down in the day and so I really struggle to get stuff done. I’m imagining a world where grandparents would take her for a walk for an hour a day just to give me some time to unwind a bit!

During all the early years I never had GPs anywhere near, so I’m often surprised when some people seem to take it as a given.

My DM and her siblings never did either - moving around for work was more common than often realised even many decades ago.

By the time I did actually have one set of GPs fairly close, one of them was seriously ill and died only a year later, having downsized to a different area anyway.

@Houseofvelour this sounds so strange to me. You say "not having them for sleepovers very often " and then that they do every few months. Even for hands on grandparents that sounds like loads! I really hope you appreciate them for it!

I hope to "be there" for my children even if its on the phone if we are far away. But I expect by that age there will be very limited sleepovers!

I really just wanted someone to talk to, or that would come and sit and the kids could show their pictures to and chat to and be part of the family for meals sometimes.

I think it can be a double edged sword tbh - even though one of mine was an extreme non sleeper I prefered to be independent. The one and only time my own parents babysat (for 90 minutes) I came home to them placidly eating a takeaway with DD in her moses basket screaming at full pelt and bright red - she'd very clearly been screaming for some time. My parents were agahst when I asked why one couldn't have held her while the other ate, as she was "perfectly safe" and their food would have got cold. So my parents never babysat again. My Mil did help, and in a far more helpful way, but only in school holidays as she lived an hour away and wasn't a confident driver so I/ we needed to take them to her and pick them up.

No grandparents to help here either. My mum is dead. FIL is dead. We are nc with MIL. My dad is alive but lives 100 miles away.

OP, my youngest DC is in the sixth form, so I'm right at the other end of this - but I'd have loved to have had grandparents around when the DC were little (and, in fact, throughout). We just didn't live near enough to either set of parents for a day trip to be feasible, never mind the odd half hour.

That said: if XH or I had moved to be closer to either of our extended families, work and schools would have been a problem. I would also have felt very claustrophobic, returning to a small place where people are born and die. I know a couple of people who have never moved away, and while I sort of envy them their children's close relationship with grandparents, I don't envy them the fact that they've never set foot outside a very small geographical area.

Swings and roundabouts.

Oh I hear you.
GP’s are dead on one side and uninterested on the other. Tbh I do resent the ones who live 15 minutes away and do nothing. I know, they are my DC and I chose to have them blah blah but both have (different) medical conditions and when they were younger even an hour to rest or shower or eat on my own would have made all the difference.

Fortunately as my DC have got older their health has improved and it’s only now that the GPs are also older and perhaps feeling a bit isolated themselves that they are showing an interest.

I am a Nana and I bloody love it! My dgs is my Dhs biggest fan

We have such a close bond and I cherish that, I feel so lucky to have him in our lives, he is an absolute joy and we have him a lot - one thing though, our dd and sil have never taken the piss, we are not expected to drop everything to help out, we still have our lives and interests etc and they realise that.

It seems along time ago now but I remember being consumed with jealousy at people who had parents that collected their kids from school!
My husband's parents were ancient, my Mum worked full time and my Dad died when they were little.
The difference it would have made is huge! And yes, I'm lucky to have kids, shouldn't havr had them if I wasn't willing to look after them yada yada

My parents lived in a different country when my DC were born, and when I begged my DM for help when my eldest was 3 she was "far too busy" to come over.

ILs were on the doorstep but MIL was one of those people who comes over to hold the baby while expecting tea, and has zero conversation.

Our life got so much easier when FIL retired and was then available for playgroup pickups and school pickups. I was so grateful for what he did for us.

When our DGC was born we looked after them regularly right from the start, remembering how hard it was for us. DC then decided out of the blue to move 3 hours away at short notice so we went overnight from having DGC anything up to 3-4 days a week to nothing. Then the pandemic hit and we haven't seen them for 6 months. 2nd DGC is over a year old and we've seen them 4 times

I think things will get harder for new parents in the future as the retirement age gets extended more and more. Grandparents working full time until they are almost 70 aren't going to have the time or energy for babysitting.

How old is your little one @Milkthecow? My DD has only in the past week or so started napping in her own cot rather than on me and she's close to 6 months, just keep trying and eventually they will get used to it!

My DC were babies pre pandemic but we had no grandparents nearby and it is tough.

Try and rest when the baby does & prep the dinner etc in the morning so that you don’t have to when you are knackered & the kids are fractious later.

On the other hand when we do see grandparents it’s a bit of an occasion so memorable and helpful in another way.

I know it's clearly very different and difficult during Covid times but when I had my DS my DPs lived over 200 miles away, DMIL over 100 miles away - I just had to make a real effort to make friends and accept help from neighbours etc - I had a lovely neighbour who really enjoyed taking my DS out for a walk in his buggy - it gave me a break, with another friend we would take turns at looking after each other's DC so each of us got 'child free' time .l. This extended into sleepovers when the DC were old enough so we rarely had to pay for babysitting... I strongly believe it 'takes a village' to raise a DC.

I now have friends who are DGPs themselves and many of them do feel taken advantage- however much their adult DC insist they "love looking after the DGC". I would find it demanding to provide regular childcare - I am mid 60s but still working (part time) but have my own elderly DPs to care for (they live nearby now ), plus my volunteer role and hobbies .... I would be happy to offer to babysit in the evenings but would not want to be 'expected' to offer daytime childcare.

I gave an acquaintance who is set on having at least 6 children. She has 3 currently but her mum looks after them a lot. I think in that situation her mum should be the one that gets a say in how many children she has.

My dad lives in Germany and my mum isn’t local. We don’t speak but even if we did and she was local she wouldn’t help out. She is local to my sister and when she needed someone to look after her kids because she had a hospital appointment my mum refused. She has never babysat or helped out in any way.

MIL isn’t local either but she helps as much as she can - had the kids for a week into he school holidays, comes to us in the holidays, etc.

I do have friends who’s mums do all the childcare, do all thier housework etc which I admit I am slightly envious of!

I agree OP. We have no grandparents willing to help. I am so envious of friends who have grandparents who want to help, and some do so much.

I appreciate my in laws SO much and the help they give us with the DC. I definitely don’t take it for granted and thank them every single time (even though they tell me to stop thanking them so much!).

They are in their mid 70s and have our primary age DC once a week for a few hours. They feed them lunch and dinner (or just dinner if it’s after school) and take them on nature walks, FIL is an artist so paints or crafts with them, MIL bakes or gardens with them. They play board games and all the things my grandparents did with me at that age. They do it because they love it which makes it even nicer.

As I said above, I definitely don’t takes it for granted, sometimes I even do a little dance I’m so happy lol.

Ps, I don’t think age always comes into it.

My kids had only one grand parent by the time they were born. He was very much interested in his own life. He took his grandkids out only twice over the 22 years between their birth and when he died. So he was more or less absent from their lives. My wonderful sister however fulfilled the role in effect- so I do not think they suffered really, other family members can make up the difference, and my kids remain incredibly close to her. I do think it was a shame, and my FIL said as much when he was diagnosed with cancer. Interestingly, they really looked after him when he was ill, which I often thought was quite ironic,. Reality is though you cannot force it. In his sixties my FIL really did not see a place for babies and small children, and that was the way it was. On reflection, it was his very large loss.

I live with my mum which is great as DP is in work Monday-Friday. Means I can go into the kitchen or have a shower and leave my 8yo and the 6mo in the room with her.
However, I wouldn't be able to leave them in the house with her as she's epileptic. My 8yo is well equipped to deal with a fit, but the baby would be helpless.

Before my dad passed and we moved back in with my mum, my parents would take the 8yo every weekend and I could work and generally have a life. I was so lucky and am really appreciative of how much they did for me and how easy I had it the first time around.

I’m another one that’s never had any grandparent help. For us it was things like when one was taken into hospital, that was tough. DH and I never got a night out either but now the eldest is 17 and the youngest almost 11 we had started going out for a meal once a month before covid it was great!

I think it is in an ideal world having doting grandparents.
Most of us have to get on with it.
It's difficult with an active baby who won't sleep. Lower the standard of house work.
If you afford it book a cleaner or babysitting service 2 hours a week.

I think it can make a big difference
But not always

Many are not local
Some are local and are willing but not able
Some (mine 😁) are able but not willing

Lovely posts from these who had and appreciated the help.

Aww some lovely grannies and grandpas out there!

MrsTiffin she’s only 10 weeks so very little. I’m sure the naps will come but right now it’s either being held or in the sling (outside for a walk only) or the car. I wouldn’t want her away from me overnight I don’t think unless exceptional circumstances such as very ill. I suppose I just miss my own mum and dad as I do know they’d have been helping with the pram, probably wrapping the poor child up in multiple layers so she could hardly breathe!

You're right, OP, it makes a huge difference. I grew up without any local grandparents, and subsequently moved away from my hometown, but my parents moved to be close to us when dd was in reception or year 1. I have truly felt so fortunate. My parents used to pick dd up from school a couple of times a week, help ferry her around to different activities and support her with random homework projects etc. DD is a teenager now, and we don't need much in the way of practical help these days, but I love the close relationship that she has with my mum and dad.

Of course, not everyone can have those advantages, but could you adopt a local granny, I wonder?

Sorry you’re finding it tough OP. It’s hard when they will only sleep on you, it feels totally relentless and I’m sorry that you don’t have someone to give you a break.

You haven’t mentioned how old your baby is? They do change a lot and you get more time to yourself as they become more independent.

Can your DH take them out for a walk in the evening or at the weekend? As you say, one hour would make a massive difference to you, but might not be such a cost to him. I’ve told my DH he’s going to have to do some pram walking during the Easter holidays (he’s a teacher so will be home most days, and I want some proper quality time with out older child)

Honestly, things are much easier with grandparent help. My DD LOVES having a sleepover with them - we started doing one a fortnight when I was expecting her brothers so that she wouldn’t be upset when I went into hospital. Turns out my dad absolutely loves having her and they both begged me to keep up the tradition. Wonder how they’ll feel about having all 3 in a couple of years!