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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have realised what a difference grandparents might make?

266 replies

Milkthecow · 10/03/2021 05:58

Obviously I know not everyone has grandparents that are willing to help or local enough to do so.

But if they are what a difference it must make. My dd won’t be put down in the day and so I really struggle to get stuff done. I’m imagining a world where grandparents would take her for a walk for an hour a day just to give me some time to unwind a bit!

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 10/03/2021 07:33

I hate the way grandparents sending time with their grandkids is often said as ‘used’.

I’m from a culture where we are grandparents very regularly, probably 4 times a week, they live down the road and my siblings around the corner.

We don’t see them for childcare, I’m usually there as well as I want to see my parents and chat to them; help them, have a cupa.

I saw them 4 times a week before I had my kids

Potterythrowdown · 10/03/2021 07:34

Definitely. Ours are close by but don't really bother - if we needed help in an emergency we could call them but there's no regular visits or offers of help. If you mention that you're exhausted you get a "well that's what it's like with kids" (my DP) or "it's because you're too soft with them" (PIL). Thanks guys. It's a bit galling when both siblings get loads more help though.

ClarkeGriffin · 10/03/2021 07:34

@Milkthecow

Well considering mine are dead clark I didn’t have children expecting them to help out! Although I don’t think a walk a couple of times a week is loads to ask!
You don't, but many people do. Like the example I gave, that woman has made it clear if they don't do it, she'll move away and they'll never see them again. That's hardly nice is it?
Labobo · 10/03/2021 07:35

I've always been envious of people who take grandparents' help for granted. Mine were useless and DH's were far away and frail.

I really hope if DC have children, that they have them before I'm too old to help out. I want to be a good grandma.

HairyToity · 10/03/2021 07:36

I don't think people with grandparent support get it. We've always done nursery, before and after school clubs, holiday clubs, and even occasionally a paid babysitter to attend a wedding.

Never had a short break just the two of us. When we are not working we are always with our children. We're used to it, this isn't a woe is me post, but it can be intense. Especially during lockdowns!

changingnames786 · 10/03/2021 07:39

I only fully realised how fortunate we've been this year. We weren't local enough to have help with the daily childcare when they were young, however, we have hands on grandparents who would have them overnight, for weekends and even for a week when they were older. Every year they (7 and 10) spend 2 weeks with grandparents in summer holidays and my mum who is now closer regularly has them for the night either individually or together, parenthood would have been a very different experience for me if we didn't get those breaks. The kids love it as they've been able to develop close relationships despite not living that close to all the grandparents.

Rainallnight · 10/03/2021 07:39

I feel you, OP. My kids are still little and both my parents have died in the past couple of years. Their other grandma is far away and v elderly. Am basically full of jealous rage about grandparents. Not nice but there you go.

Camomila · 10/03/2021 07:40

I’m from a culture where we are grandparents very regularly, probably 4 times a week, they live down the road and my siblings around the corner.

We're the same Smile My DM is so happy both her DC have decided to settle back in our home town. My mum does do a lot of childcare, but I DBro and I also help them out with stuff.

parallax80 · 10/03/2021 07:42

People generally take a lot of stuff for granted and find it difficult to imagine how things might be for other people.

(I very much include myself in this - I’m a single parent and grew up in and out of care - it’s been a real eye opener for me the last year to see how reliant many people are on their families and what the expectations often are. Different world!

I have occasional pangs of envy but then I am fortunate in other ways - good health, literate, secure job - so I try to recognise it but not indulge it.)

rainbowfairydust · 10/03/2021 07:44

My Mum lives close by but still works full time and then has a busy social life so we're lucky to see her every few weeks and baby sits maybe once a month, would love to see her more in the week and to just have that social company a but more but sadly people have to work more nowadays

Babamamananarama · 10/03/2021 07:47

My kids are 7 and 4, and we've recently moved from being 5 hrs from my parents to 5 mins up the road in the next village.

Oh my fucking god I am so so so bloody grateful. The difference it makes to our lives is just transformative. The last 7 years would have been SO much easier if we'd had that kind of support from the get go.
Multi generational living is the way forward (providing you don't all drive each other batshit).

changingnames786 · 10/03/2021 07:47

I think some people need to realise that this is what a lot of families will be giving up having children later. Ive noticed a lot of snobbery around having children younger and when they hear how old my parents were when they became grandparents. I'm not saying it guarantees anything, some grandparents will be hands on at 80, others won't be at 50, but having young grandparents has been one of the "pros" for us having kids younger (that's not to say we don't have cons too!)

Original poster
Milkthecow · 10/03/2021 07:49

Oh I hate that though changing

Everyone should have children when THEY feel it is right, not because parents might die or whatever.

OP posts:
Fleamaker123 · 10/03/2021 07:50

It's not just the practical help you miss out on and struggle with. It's the emotional support too. I really, really miss just sharing my children with grandparents. Chatting about what they've done with people who are genuinely interested and love them. I envy that.

DorisLessingsCat · 10/03/2021 07:55

@changingnames786

I think some people need to realise that this is what a lot of families will be giving up having children later. Ive noticed a lot of snobbery around having children younger and when they hear how old my parents were when they became grandparents. I'm not saying it guarantees anything, some grandparents will be hands on at 80, others won't be at 50, but having young grandparents has been one of the "pros" for us having kids younger (that's not to say we don't have cons too!)
It's not as simple as that. My mum was a young mum so was still working full time when I had mine. She could help at weekends but also needed them to decompress from her stressful job.
changingnames786 · 10/03/2021 07:56

@Milkthecow absolutely, I'm not saying different, but it's understanding (depending on the family) that grandparent involvement will be impacted by the timing of your children. Some grandparents might be able to be more available/hands on when retired though of course. For us we didn't need the daily assistance, we paid for that, but the help in holidays and weekends is what we've treasured particularly as we live away from most of them so still working hasn't been an issue.

speakout · 10/03/2021 08:02

ClarkeGriffin

No idea where you are getting that from.
My mother is what she is.
I accepted that a long time ago.

speakout · 10/03/2021 08:03

It's not just the practical help you miss out on and struggle with. It's the emotional support too.

In an ideal world.

Tianatiers · 10/03/2021 08:03

I often think this. My DM and MIL live very local but haven't had the confidence to help out. They love seeing DGC but only with either me or DH present. Both said from the outset they wanted to just be grandparents and not take on any parental responsibilities, my DM said she doesn't want to ever have to tell her GC "no". Luckily me and DH are a great team and together we've been able to give each other breaks, but in 6 years we've never had time away from the DC together.

Summertime21 · 10/03/2021 08:04

Ours are local but never offered to help so I didn't want to ask. I was always a little envious of people who had gps pick do school pick up sometimes or talk about staying over on weekends

RosesAndHellebores · 10/03/2021 08:04

Hmm my mother had tons of help and took it entirely for granted. I may have spent more time with my gps than with my parents. They were my rock.

We had dc my 30s and mother and mil were v late 50s. Both a long way away and we got little help and when we did it was on their terms but I am glad I did it independently.

With our own dc and one day grandparents I would like to forge a middle road and be available for emergencies and perhaps a pick-up once a week. I will add the caveat that I am 60 already and still working full-time and may be 70 before grandchildren come along and I shall want some me/us time in retirement. However, I would be happy to fund a day of childcare for each of my children so they can have a little more me time or an easier time juggling work than I had.

UserTwice · 10/03/2021 08:06

I agree people with grandparent help tend to take it for granted. It's one thing that I hope might be a lasting impact from Covid - that all those people who normally rely heavily on grandparents now understand how much harder it is to have to manage without it, and have a bit more empathy for others who have to struggle all the time. Sadly, I suspect many of them won't.

orangejuicer · 10/03/2021 08:07

My mum passed away a year before I got pregnant. I cannot tell you how I missed her being around and what help she would have given me, not least how much she would have adored my DS. Things would have been quite different but what can you do. We've done ok with just the two of us. My dad is still with us which I'm immensely grateful for but he's 80 this year so I can't rely on him for childcare. DP's parents live too far away to help but I do get emotional support from his mum.

OverTheRainbow88 · 10/03/2021 08:09

I also find it surprising how many of my friends don’t make any effort with their family, actively avoid seeing them, moaning about Christmas at i laws etc and then when they have childcare expect those same people, who lets face it, haven’t been treated well, to drop everything to look after their grandkids.

makingmammaries · 10/03/2021 08:11

My DC were born after all the grandparents died. We of course coped with that, but being asked “how does your [ASD] son behave when he stays overnight with his grandparents?” certainly made me want to strangle the educational psychologist.