To insist husband is allowed into scan with me?

[Lass67]

Today experienced pain and bleeding in early pregnancy- tried to refer to EPAU which was a shit show in itself and ended up having to go to A&E as GP & midwife insisted wasn’t their responsibility to refer me and no self referrals accepted.

Husband allowed to stay with me in A&E and was a lovely support to be honest. When we finally got to EPAU he was told rather abruptly by receptionist he wasn’t allowed in. I waited hours to be seen alone listening to smooth FM in the waiting room (playing songs about being a parent FFS!) and wringing my hands before being seen by a very lovely doctor who had only been working in gynae a few weeks and struggled to tell me anything but told me my anatomy was ‘awkward’ and I’d need a scan- but by this point five hours after initially trying to get help scanning is shut and I have to come back tomorrow.

I then went out to find my husband sat in the cold with some other sad dads to be -not allowed to be with their partners.

I checked NHS England guidance and it says I’m allowed one support person with me at all points during antenatal care- updated December 2020 in light of Covid-19.
Royal college of obstetricians and gynaecologists agree.

Am I being unreasonable tomorrow if I insist on my husband being with me? I feel sick thinking of being told I’ve lost the baby on my own and then having to go outside and find him and have to repeat everything to him. It was hard enough today to retain what was being said. I understand if they want to minimise people in the waiting room but it was half empty and I don’t understand why they’d be able to contravene guidance from the organisation that commissions the service.

'would warn you, depending how far along you are NHS can be very poor at handling miscarriage. If you are under 12 weeks you will simply be told to go home, take paracetamol for the pain and wait it out. There will only be medical intervention if you bleed very very heavily and even then in my experience you may be left for hours before being seen.There's a bit of an old fashioned attitude that pre 12 weeks is no big deal and many health care professionals are very matter of fact/lacking empathy when dealing with women suffering miscarriage'

What a load of shit. I had one at 9 weeks, wait time at EPU was 15 minutes, they were very very nice and offered me expectant, medical or surgical management. This was only 2 years ago. Incidentally, I was alone for this scan.

I think the reason a lot of people here don't see the big deal about going to scans alone and things is because a lot of us have to do it even outside covid times because we need the father to care for existing children.

You can ask them if your partner can attend as per the guidelines. I really hope you get good news

I was fine going to scans alone but I fully support any woman who feels that she needs one person to accompany her for support. We're not all the same and all need support some times. Op's time is now.

We're not all the same and all need support some times. Op's time is now

We all need a lot of things, but I don't know if you've noticed the global pandemic which is affecting many things we all need?

So sorry this is happening to you

I also had pain and bleeding in early pregnancy, was referred to EPU as GP suspected ectopic, and had to go in alone. They did say though, that if they had to give bad news they would allow my partner to be called in. Fortunatley it wasnt necessary. Maybe that's the case for you too?

I think you would be U to demand as the people working there didnt make the rules, but definitely not U to feel aggrieved. EPUs should have the same rules as the ante natal clinic and allow a support person.

@elliejjtiny

I'm so sorry OP but yabu. It's really hard I know and I have had to face bad news at a dating scan alone as dh was looking after our other dc. During the pandemic my son tried to commit suicide and very nearly succeeded. Only one parent was allowed in so dh went with him and I had to stay at home. He was in hdu and I couldn't be with him, it was awful.

It was "awful" yet you're calling op unreasonable?

@haveapieceoftoast

yes yabu, you are no more important than the thousands of other women who have attended scans alone, including me

Well aren't you a nasty piece of work?

Years ago I had a ectopic pregnancy. Ex was not allowed in with me.

It's a medical examination, you wouldn't have a partner in if you were having a colonoscopy so, it's no different to that. They are outside and still there for support, the scan is just a scan and a doctor will speak to you both afterwards with the results.

Oh do shut up about the fucking global pandemic. (No need to use global either). This does not mean that it’s acceptable to treat everyone like shit. It seems to have been fine for various tv crews to trail around icu wards throughout.

Best wishes OP.

YABU, my poor mil spent 2 weeks in hospital last month all on her own with no visitors and eventually died alone. Why should you be demanding special treatment?

@Sausageroll67

YABU, my poor mil spent 2 weeks in hospital last month all on her own with no visitors and eventually died alone. Why should you be demanding special treatment?

Jesus Christ...

@toolatetofixate ?????

Why should you be demanding special treatment

It's not special treatment. The rules aren't the same here. Yes it's awful what happened during the peak of covid. But do you not think anyone should be allowed to have anyone with them ever again because your mil had to suffer? .

Ffs @toolatetofixate I didn’t just make that up. Yes, a lady in her late 70s had to spend the last 2 weeks of her life completely cut off from her family and they only got to see her just after she had passed. This is happening all over the UK and cos of this I believe the OP is being very unreasonable.

*Are people really saying

• Despite the rules saying you can have someone with you - I couldn’t have anyone with me, so you shouldn’t either. ?!*

I’m sorry to the pp who had difficult times, that must have been very hard to deal with. But this isn’t a race to the bottom, women deserve compassionate care, and men deserve to be involved in their children’s lives. If they do not want you to have someone there, the regulations should not permit it.

Op being allowed her partner, or not allowed her partner, won’t effect you and doesn’t change your experience.

This.

Ridiculous.

Honestly, if we all worked on the basis that because some women have had a bad experience we shouldn’t fight for other women to have a better one then the world would be a pretty bleak place to be female.

Thats completely missing the point. The rules are not that she can have someone with her. The rules are that she can't. That's the point.

Oh do shut up about the fucking global pandemic. (No need to use global either). This does not mean that it’s acceptable to treat everyone like shit.

Of course I fucking won't shut up about the literal point of the fucking thread. OP can't have someone with her BECAUSE OF THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC.
If you don't understand a question don't be so fucking rude about it.

Of course I fucking won't shut up about the literal point of the fucking thread. OP can't have someone with her BECAUSE OF THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC.

She can. The guidance says so.

Feel free to “insist”, they can also “insist” that you don’t. They have something you want, they have offered you an appointment so they probably perceive they have done their part

She can. The guidance says so

She can't. The hospital says so. Guidance is just a guide, its superceded by rules. Get a clue.

So sorry to hear you're going through this. I thought the same as you so when I needed a growth scan the other week as baby didn't appear to be growing, I thought DH was allowed in, especially as he'd been in my midwife appointment with me. however we were told this was only for standard 12 and 20 week scans, and he would be called in if there's bad news.

It's weird as you'd rather have your partner for the emergency scans, but the guidance appears to just support standard appointments.

@boltfromtheblueblue I’ve been where you are, angry and frustrated and taking it out on mumsnet when you come across something (or someone) you think is wrong/stupid/out of order because you have no other way of getting it out your system. If you need a chat please feel free to PM me, sometimes it helps to get it all out to someone you can choose never to speak to again?

She can. The guidance says so.

Erkrie You do understand what the word “guidance” means, right? It means they don’t have to follow it; it’s not law.

So if the hospital says she can’t have someone with her, she can’t have someone with her.

She can. 🙂 Looks like lockdowns getting to you with all your frothing rage to strangers on a forum. Step back from the keyboard, warrior 😉

Guidance is guidance - so it neither says that she cant or that she can.

Its says that

We are asking all trust boards to urgently complete any further action needed so that partners can accompany women to all appointments and throughout birth, by following three steps:
i. Undertake a risk assessment in each part of their maternity service to identify precisely whether and if so where there is an elevated risk of COVID-19 transmission if support people are present (eg if space prevents social distancing)
ii. Make changes to the configuration of space used to provide care and/or how the available space is used to address the issues highlighted in the risk assessment, alongside provision of other appropriate infection prevention and control measures, including training and PPE
iii. Use your available testing capacity (eg PCR, rapid PCR testing, or lateral flow testing) to test women and their support people to help mitigate infection risks, in particular for scan appointments, for fetal medicine appointments, at birth, and for parents whose babies require neonatal care. Treat support people who test negative as part of the team supporting the woman.