To insist husband is allowed into scan with me?

[Lass67]

Today experienced pain and bleeding in early pregnancy- tried to refer to EPAU which was a shit show in itself and ended up having to go to A&E as GP & midwife insisted wasn’t their responsibility to refer me and no self referrals accepted.

Husband allowed to stay with me in A&E and was a lovely support to be honest. When we finally got to EPAU he was told rather abruptly by receptionist he wasn’t allowed in. I waited hours to be seen alone listening to smooth FM in the waiting room (playing songs about being a parent FFS!) and wringing my hands before being seen by a very lovely doctor who had only been working in gynae a few weeks and struggled to tell me anything but told me my anatomy was ‘awkward’ and I’d need a scan- but by this point five hours after initially trying to get help scanning is shut and I have to come back tomorrow.

I then went out to find my husband sat in the cold with some other sad dads to be -not allowed to be with their partners.

I checked NHS England guidance and it says I’m allowed one support person with me at all points during antenatal care- updated December 2020 in light of Covid-19.
Royal college of obstetricians and gynaecologists agree.

Am I being unreasonable tomorrow if I insist on my husband being with me? I feel sick thinking of being told I’ve lost the baby on my own and then having to go outside and find him and have to repeat everything to him. It was hard enough today to retain what was being said. I understand if they want to minimise people in the waiting room but it was half empty and I don’t understand why they’d be able to contravene guidance from the organisation that commissions the service.

[Lass67]

@FireflyRainbow

OP YABVU you knew the score about getting pregnant during this shit show. You are no more special than anyone else. I do hope everything is ok though of course.

I became pregnant after the announcement that all women would be allowed a support person at scans. I just didn’t realise of course that my local trust wouldn’t think this applies to them.

Link to guidance from December saying trusts should implement this as quickly as possible:


www.england.nhs.uk/coronavirus/wp-content/uploads/sites/52/2020/12/C0961-Supporting-pregnant-women-using-maternity-services-during-the-coronavirus-pandemic-actions-for-NHS-provi.pdf

[Lass67]

@Yellownotblue

I’ve had loads of scans alone. Some of them with heart wrenching news (miscarriage, losing a twin, ectopic - I’ve not been lucky).

I’m all for keeping a stiff upper lip, but I have actually developed PTSD and long term anxiety from some issues I had in antenatal care and the fact I had to deal with devastating news and stress alone. I know DH was also traumatised, and I suspect he would have dealt with things better if he’d been there. But he was at work and I didn’t want to cause a fuss. It was a mistake on our part, and we’ve paid a high price for it.

I also know that midwifery units/antenatal care routinely cut corners and fob us mothers to be. NICE guidelines are often ignored. If you assert your rights, confidently and quietly, they will back off.

I’d say print the guidance and insist on your rights. You are absolutely right, it is not a race to the bottom.

Good luck with your pregnancy, I hope everything is ok. If it helps, I had awful chronic bleeding in pregnancy, and DS9 is here to tell the tale 🙂

💐

Thank you for your message. So sorry you went through all that and happy to hear about your DS.

[mum2bin2021]

Oh @GrapesAreMyJam I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm 37 weeks and we've had some not great news about the baby but nothing as serious as that, I can't imagine how you must be feeling - and to be made to face everything alone. What a failure mat care is at the moment when it comes to people's mental well-being.

[Yellownotblue]

Thank you, but this isn’t about me! I wish I could go and advocate for you. I can be very persuasive- by my last pregnancy I was often asked if I was a HCP 😁. Good luck with your scan, take DH and don’t back down. You are in the right. They know it. Just keep quoting NICE guidelines and asking on what basis they choose to ignore them. Escalate to head of unit if needed. You can wear them down!

[Nith]

I'd suggest you phone first. If you can get prior authorisation, it will save a lot of hassle. If they're not following the guidance, they can explain why. But bare in mind it is only guidance and the hospital is entitled to override it if their particular circumstances demand it.

[timeisnotaline]

I’m sorry others have had solo scans and found that hard, and if that were the guidance would totally agree the op needs to suck it up (and did last year in these conversations). The guidance has changed however and she deserves care commensurate with the guidelines. Print them out, take them with you and ask why they aren’t observing them.

[Summerdayshaze]

Literally thousands of people are going through all kinds of trauma alone in hospitals. Palliative care, cancer, chemo, intensive care. Not seeing their families or young children for weeks or even months. YABVU.

[timeisnotaline]

Why is everyone so competitive misery? Clearly the experts have decided it’s reasonable to have partners there so let them be there. Just because other women have died in childbirth trying to cross a desert in a refugee train doesn’t mean you need to wish that on the op. It’s the other way around - we need to wish (& fight for, wishing doesn’t do much on its own) health care delivered with compassion for everyone instead of this spiral to insisting worst case outcomes for everyone.

[RandoPlan]

I'm very sorry for what you're going through, but unfortunately with EPAU they have different rules. The antenatal care referred to is routine and scheduled appointments such as the 12 week and 20 week scans. Any other extra scans (such as with consultants or early scans) aren't included, meaning the hospital gets to decide.
I had an early scan and they explained that while pregnant people are considered to be generally vulnerable, anything outside routined care is considered to be highly vulnerable and therefore covid measures are ramped up. You're more likely to be high risk in an EPAU so that's why the restrictions are tougher.
Those guidelines really aren't followed much in any hospitals to be honest. My friend had a baby a few weeks ago and because there was a staff shortage in their labs they had to prioritise covid tests, so all the people who were in labour weren't allowed their partners in because no one could be tested for covid. My friends partner didn't meet his baby for 4 days when they were discharged.
I hope you're ok and the scans to well and hopefully by the time you have your baby things will be more normal.

[Pickupapigeon]

I hope it’s good news for you. In my experience EPAU ‘care’ is poor at the best of times. I would challenge them with reference to the current guidance but there isn’t anything you can do to force them so you might want to just be clear in your mind what your next step is if they do refuse I.e are you going to go through with the scan or wait until your private appointment? If you have ectopic symptoms it wouldn’t be safe to leave it. If it is sadly a miscarriage then waiting a few more days won’t cause you any harm. I hope it’s a good outcome.

[Pickupapigeon]

Oh and I can empathise with your frustration at the waiting room radio. I remember ‘small bump’ by Ed Sheeran playing when I was waiting in EPAU miscarrying my first and thinking you couldn’t make this up.

[RavingAnnie]

I think it's absolutely appalling that you are expected to go to something like that alone. That's completely unacceptable. Plus it's the dad's baby too. Why he is shut out, and to find out the news not in a private room from a medical professional (who he can ask questions of if needed) but in a waiting area. When I had to go through the EPU it was pretty grim the way women were treated with mums losing babies in with mums having scans of healthy babies and with their children. Plus ours was actually on a gynae ward so there were women being wheeled about probably having hysterectomies and god knows what else. But this reaches an all time low.

[TammySwansonTwo]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP.

Unfortunately that guidance (a completely and utterly useless document and stupid idea from NHS England) has not been implemented at most trusts around the country, because it can’t be. Most units have already reorganised space as much as they can, and - here’s the real kicker - even now most trusts have not received the lateral flow tests needed to perform the testing the guidance relies on. And even if they have, there was no thought as to where the tests would be done and by whom, since most units are currently greatly understaffed and have no available space to perform tests, keep partners there until the results develop etc.

There’s the added complication in that scans are nothing to do with maternity in logistical terms - sonography is a separate department, and EPAUs are generally run by gynaecology, not maternity.

NHS England released that guidance knowing it could not be implemented - the Royal College of Midwives released a statement the same day saying it wasn’t possible to implement, and then nothing has been said about it since. It’s basically like it never happened.

I’m so terribly sorry you’re having to face this alone, but unfortunately I can tell you from experience of working in maternity through this that insisting on a partner’s attendance will not do anything. The units that can allow partners due to their layout and space are doing so. The others can’t because it goes against their risk assessments. I have regard some truly distressing stories over the last year of women facing some unthinkable things alone. I wish it were different, but sadly it isn’t yet.

I really hope things go well for you tomorrow

[TammySwansonTwo]

My friend had a baby a few weeks ago and because there was a staff shortage in their labs they had to prioritise covid tests, so all the people who were in labour weren't allowed their partners in because no one could be tested for covid.

A formal complaint should be made for this, if this is how it happened. While the guidance the OP is referring to has not been implemented in most places, the right to a birth partner most definitely has been in place throughout and there is no requirement to test birth partners (in fact most units do not use PCR tests for partners, although some have implemented them to enable partners to attend things like inductions, if they have the testing capacity) so testing capacity should not have had any bearing on having birth partners present.

If that group of women went through labour alone without a birth partner then it was entirely unnecessary and they should make a serious complaint.

[KBILLY]

I'm so sorry @GrapesAreMyJam

[SnoringSnore]

@SFHJ

yABU you chose to get pregnant during a pandemic when it’s been so broadly reported that scans etc you need to go alone to. You cannot then kick off you have to go alone. If you were wanting your dp with you every step of the way then you should have waiting post pandemic to get pregnant.

Or until the guidance changed to say all trusts should allow partners at all stages of antenatal care, including scans and should implement this as soon as possible? .... Oh wait.

I don't understand the competitive misery on here. One person's suffering does not appease someone else's or make their situation unimportant.

It's like everyone needs to have a shit time and if you're not then you're being unreasonable.

At the end of the day, the guidance has been changed and the importance of support for pregnant women has been recognised by this and trusts have been told to implement these changes ASAP.

How many of those saying how unreasonable OP is being do everything else the guidance allows them to do? Most I imagine.

I was pregnant last year, before the guidance changed (the hospital I was at are now allowing partners into every scan and every antenatal appointment). I don't think it's unfair on me because I had to go alone. The guidance was different then... why would I begrudge someone now when it's different?

[SnoringSnore]

@TammySwansonTwo

My friend had a baby a few weeks ago and because there was a staff shortage in their labs they had to prioritise covid tests, so all the people who were in labour weren't allowed their partners in because no one could be tested for covid.

A formal complaint should be made for this, if this is how it happened. While the guidance the OP is referring to has not been implemented in most places, the right to a birth partner most definitely has been in place throughout and there is no requirement to test birth partners (in fact most units do not use PCR tests for partners, although some have implemented them to enable partners to attend things like inductions, if they have the testing capacity) so testing capacity should not have had any bearing on having birth partners present.

If that group of women went through labour alone without a birth partner then it was entirely unnecessary and they should make a serious complaint.

That's ridiculous and they should complain.

I gave birth in February. My Covid test didn't even come back until after I'd had my baby because the lab was so busy. I was still allowed my husband there (he wasn't tested at all, just me).

[elliejjtiny]

I'm so sorry OP but yabu. It's really hard I know and I have had to face bad news at a dating scan alone as dh was looking after our other dc. During the pandemic my son tried to commit suicide and very nearly succeeded. Only one parent was allowed in so dh went with him and I had to stay at home. He was in hdu and I couldn't be with him, it was awful.

[SnoringSnore]

I'd just like to add that my maternity care throughout pregnancy was brilliant, including in labour. It was like Covid didn't exist tbh. In a good way, the focus was just completely on me and making sure I was comfortable etc...

It seems to depend entirely on which hospital you're at. But just to show that antenatal care isn't universally crap at the moment or during last year.

I hope everything is okay OP and I'm sorry you're having to face that alone xx

[toolatetofixate]

Some of the responses on this thread are fucking disgusting.

Yes OP, insist. The guidelines are in your favour.

[Jillypots]

@Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly

YABU, you're no more important than anyone else 🤔 I've had 2 miscarriages during lockdowns and have had to be given bad news by myself both times, I'm sorry for your situation, and I hope it's good news, but what makes you so special that you can 'insist' the rules are changed just for you?

Sorry for your loss, Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly. It’s awful for you to have had to endure that alone.

But to be fair to the OP, she’s not insisting that the rules are changed just for her - she’s asking her health care providers to follow published guidance, which seems eminently reasonable.

[Savethewhales]

I nearly lost my daughter, I was bleeding and didn't know how far along I was, went into doctors room alone to hear him use phone as needed to go to hospital for emergency scan, words of spontaneous abortion was used, my bf was outside in waiting area.. When I left room with my letter to take to hospital I broke down in tears in front of others.. That is not one thing I'd wish or want for anyone and I can't describe how I felt in words, but empty was one of them, my baby was ok though.. Bleeding was a urine infection but still, its something no woman should ever go through alone, ever! ×
Tell them your partner is coming in with you, it's his child too and he has a right to be there to be with you

[Jamboree01]

As the above have said, take screenshots of any guidance you can find and take it with you. If guidance has changed, and it isn’t being made clear to pregnant women going into scans- women may continue having to go to them alone unnecessarily. If it’s written in NHS guidance and then denied in practise, people have a right to question it.