To insist husband is allowed into scan with me?

[Lass67]

Today experienced pain and bleeding in early pregnancy- tried to refer to EPAU which was a shit show in itself and ended up having to go to A&E as GP & midwife insisted wasn’t their responsibility to refer me and no self referrals accepted.

Husband allowed to stay with me in A&E and was a lovely support to be honest. When we finally got to EPAU he was told rather abruptly by receptionist he wasn’t allowed in. I waited hours to be seen alone listening to smooth FM in the waiting room (playing songs about being a parent FFS!) and wringing my hands before being seen by a very lovely doctor who had only been working in gynae a few weeks and struggled to tell me anything but told me my anatomy was ‘awkward’ and I’d need a scan- but by this point five hours after initially trying to get help scanning is shut and I have to come back tomorrow.

I then went out to find my husband sat in the cold with some other sad dads to be -not allowed to be with their partners.

I checked NHS England guidance and it says I’m allowed one support person with me at all points during antenatal care- updated December 2020 in light of Covid-19.
Royal college of obstetricians and gynaecologists agree.

Am I being unreasonable tomorrow if I insist on my husband being with me? I feel sick thinking of being told I’ve lost the baby on my own and then having to go outside and find him and have to repeat everything to him. It was hard enough today to retain what was being said. I understand if they want to minimise people in the waiting room but it was half empty and I don’t understand why they’d be able to contravene guidance from the organisation that commissions the service.

@2020iscancelled

It’s so sad that people’s reaction is “I had to experience this shit thing so you should too” rather than “I don’t want other people to experience this shit thing I had to”

What a bizarre mindset

I think in the context of the pandemic those posters feel that they did their bit not to spread covid so OP should too? Not that it really matters now, the scan is over. Hope the blood tests come back with good news OP, you've still got everything to hope for.

It’s so sad that people’s reaction is “I had to experience this shit thing so you should too” rather than “I don’t want other people to experience this shit thing I had to”

That isn't their reaction though. Thats your bizarre misinterpretation of their reaction.
It's actually "look, its shit, but you're not the only one. We are all in the same boat with it. Unfortunately the rules are for everyone".
Which is a perfectly normal, expected, reaction.

Far weirder is the "of course you're different OP, the rules for everyone else are not for you, go and demand you're treated differently".
So weird, so unhelpful.

[quote l2b2]@Sausageroll67
I should add that I'm sorry about your loss 💐, I fully understand how terrible that situation is. [/quote]
Thank you.

My point is that, our family did not “insist” on being allowed to see my dying MIL (phone contact only) because we know the rules and didn’t want to put the hospital staff in any danger. So seeing the OP “insisting” on having her husband at a scan has rankled me. I see the scan has happened now anyway.

Typical Mumsmet this thread. The guidelines changed in December. The OP has evidence of this. Yet so many responses from bitter women just because they experienced scans alone - I assume before guidelines had changed and a huge majority of the country have been vaccinated- they wanted OP to go through the same. Truly unbelievable. Such a weird cross section of society you get here sometimes.

@boltfromtheblueblue

It’s so sad that people’s reaction is “I had to experience this shit thing so you should too” rather than “I don’t want other people to experience this shit thing I had to”

That isn't their reaction though. Thats your bizarre misinterpretation of their reaction.
It's actually "look, its shit, but you're not the only one. We are all in the same boat with it. Unfortunately the rules are for everyone".
Which is a perfectly normal, expected, reaction.

Far weirder is the "of course you're different OP, the rules for everyone else are not for you, go and demand you're treated differently".
So weird, so unhelpful.

Exactly! 👏

@Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly

YABU, you're no more important than anyone else 🤔 I've had 2 miscarriages during lockdowns and have had to be given bad news by myself both times, I'm sorry for your situation, and I hope it's good news, but what makes you so special that you can 'insist' the rules are changed just for you?

That’s absolutely awful but two wrongs don’t make a right. All women should be able to be supported in these circumstances.

Keeping everything crossed for you OP. Good luck.

Far weirder is the "of course you're different OP, the rules for everyone else are not for you, go and demand you're treated differently".
So weird, so unhelpful

Not really, as things are changing with covid. And clearly the policy reflects that. I have a lot more face to face contact with people at work now, I've been vaccinated. Things are changing rapidly. We can't expect things to be the same now as they were a month ago, as things were very different a month ago. It is sad for the people who lost relatives and they had to die alone. And hopefully now we're coming through the other side of this, people won't be subjected to those horrors anymore.

And clearly the policy reflects that

The policy of the hospital doesn't.

Can people try to understand that guidelines from nhs england have little relevance when they contradict the rules in place at the actual hospital?

100% this.

OP was not being unreasonable, she explained the context of her question and how she had read the changes in policy. People are allowed to ask questions so that they are clear about what can and can’t happen.

Let’s hope that we are on the brink of things becoming a little more positive for everybody and things becoming a little more ‘normal’.

I wish you lots of luck with HCG and next scan OP 💐

Sorry but YABU. They are the rules for a reason. You knew there was a pandemic when you got pregnant.
I lost a baby last year and had the scan on my own. I chose not to try for another baby until the pandemic had ended for this reason.

@boltfromtheblueblue totally agree with your responses.

Can people try to understand that guidelines from nhs england have little relevance when they contradict the rules in place at the actual hospital?

Apart from the fact then when the op mentioned the policy, they then let the partner in.

Sounds like it was pretty relevant to me....

@Erkrie

Can people try to understand that guidelines from nhs england have little relevance when they contradict the rules in place at the actual hospital?

Apart from the fact then when the op mentioned the policy, they then let the partner in.

Sounds like it was pretty relevant to me....

It is relevant. I've already said earlier in the thread that the same thing happened to me. On the phone: "you can't bring anyone in with you." When I turned up for the scan: "do you have anyone with you you'd like to come into the scan room for support?"

So many posters on this thread are failing to realise the the NHS, and many other industries, are often making this up as they go along. I work in education and it's the same their. Contradictory policies that change from one moment to the next depending on interpretation or who you have the good or bad luck to speak to on any given day.

OP was right to show the guidance. Some on this thread seem to relish the lockdown and want us to stay in this horrendous state forever. Things are moving on. That's a good thing!

Ahh ok, I see your point.

And yes it is a good thing we're moving on.

Apart from the fact then when the op mentioned the policy, they then let the partner in.Sounds like it was pretty relevant to me....

Sounds like they didn't want to fight about it, but that doesn't mean it changed anything.

When I had my miscarriage in May 2020 I wasn't allowed my dh with me. We had "luckily" went for a private scan because he wasn't allowed to my nhs 12wk scan. So we were told at the private scan that there was no heartbeat etc.

I am glad he was with me then and I hadn't waited till my nhs one to be told that on my own.

However when I went to hospital to have it confirmed etc I was told it was definitely a missed miscarriage and 5 mins later I was in a room by myself being told to make a decision on how I wanted it dealt with. I had barely taken the news in.

I then wasn't allowed surgical management due to covid and had to go through weeks of pain and bleeding.

I am currently 31 weeks pregnant again and I'm having extra appointments which again I need to go alone which doesn't help when they are giving me loads of information and I maybe miss something.

It's unfair on any woman having to go through any part of pregnancy by themselves regardless of what's going on in the world. I think that's why I still haven't "dealt" with what happened last year.

I've attended every antenatal appointment and scan alone. I'm due this week.

I've had two miscarriages in the past and both times I went on my own for scans due to OH being at work.

I know it sucks but Covid is serious and they need to protect waiting rooms from swarms of people passing it around. I'm grateful I've not had men around me at my appts due to the risk.

I may also have to give birth alone if anything happens with childcare (which is limited due to Covid).

The guidance for hospitals is just that. They still need to make sure the service users are safe and many of these EPU are small with tiny waiting room areas, often open to the rest of the unit.

I hope you get good news tomorrow.

Sounds like they didn't want to fight about it, but that doesn't mean it changed anything.

Well, may they did, and maybe they didn't. Maybe they decided to follow the policy after all. Not really possible to make a judgement either way is it...

Onwards and upwards.

Glad you were able to have your partner there, OP.

The argument from the college of midwives is daft. The harm caused by not allowing partners at appointments like this is clearly much greater than that arising from a potential to spread a disease which vulnerable people are now vaccinated against.

With respect, you are completely wrong. Since Christmas, multiple maternity units in my region have had more than 30% staff absence at any one time due to positive tests or self isolating due to a contact. There have been times where units have had to close to cases because there are too many covid positive service users in, they take longer to be discharged due to general ill health, so there are no postnatal beds and the whole system gets backed up.

Not all vulnerable people have been vaccinated and neither have most pregnant women, the demographic being cared for here.

These measures have been in place in order to protect a service which has been on a knife edge since late last year. Vaccination came just in time but many covid positive women are still coming through, and since the PCR tests take time to process, one positive case could infect an entire bay of pregnant women in an antenatal ward before anyone knows.

I would absolutely be requesting that your partner be present under the circumstances.

Hospital trusts are getting away with not following the guidance and if more women complained then more pressure would be on them to make the changes needed to make it safe.

This is not being difficult. We don't know how long this scenario will go on for. Or if another pandemic is around the corner. Perhaps it's time that hospital trusts start looking at proactive ways of keeping people safe as normal practise. Long term planning is what is needed.

@Sausageroll67

I am truly sorry for your loss. Your MIL should not have been alone if she and the family did not want her to be alone, you should have been called in when it became apparent that she was at end of life. I say that as an NHS nurse across 2 different trusts (admittedly Scotland however we have been operating on a more restricted basis throughout). People should NOT be dying alone. Essential visits are allowed such as end of life, receiving bad diagnosis' and antenatal care. You may have had to wear PPE and obviously wouldn't have been allowed in if you were self isolating but if your hospital is not allowing any visits they are wrongly interpreting the rules and that should be challenged.

I am not in any way a Covidiot, have cared for patients with Covid, have had 2 vaccines and following the stay at home advice to the letter but there are large parts of the NHS applying rules in a stupid way that is unfairly disadvantaging their patients. It is not good enough.

@Jent13c

Thanks, but it was a very sudden heart attack brought on by a major operation carried out after she had been on anti coagulation medication for ten days that killed her after the two weeks in hospital so nobody was able to get there in time. 😢

[quote Sausageroll67]@Jent13c

Thanks, but it was a very sudden heart attack brought on by a major operation carried out after she had been on anti coagulation medication for ten days that killed her after the two weeks in hospital so nobody was able to get there in time. 😢[/quote]

People have been allowed to be bedside for end of life family throughout the pandemic. It's a shame it was so sudden for you that that couldn't happen.

Can I ask why your instinct was to say that OP shouldn't demand special treatment, rather than to say how awful your experience was and hope she had a better outcome?

I just find it strange that your first instinct was to bitterly chastise her for daring to question anything.

It's good that people like OP are questioning the heavy handed application of guidelines. There have been many instances during the various lockdowns of rules being unnecessarily made up and people have had to push back. Newspapers had previously written articles about women like the OP being left in such terrible states without support.

I'm trying to understand your mentality (and others on this thread) of bitterness towards the OP rather than a solidarity. My lockdown experiences, which I won't go into here, make me sympathise with OP and want her to have a better outcome than I have had.

Why don't you?