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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist husband is allowed into scan with me?

284 replies

Lass67 · 08/03/2021 23:44

Today experienced pain and bleeding in early pregnancy- tried to refer to EPAU which was a shit show in itself and ended up having to go to A&E as GP & midwife insisted wasn’t their responsibility to refer me and no self referrals accepted.

Husband allowed to stay with me in A&E and was a lovely support to be honest. When we finally got to EPAU he was told rather abruptly by receptionist he wasn’t allowed in. I waited hours to be seen alone listening to smooth FM in the waiting room (playing songs about being a parent FFS!) and wringing my hands before being seen by a very lovely doctor who had only been working in gynae a few weeks and struggled to tell me anything but told me my anatomy was ‘awkward’ and I’d need a scan- but by this point five hours after initially trying to get help scanning is shut and I have to come back tomorrow.

I then went out to find my husband sat in the cold with some other sad dads to be -not allowed to be with their partners.

I checked NHS England guidance and it says I’m allowed one support person with me at all points during antenatal care- updated December 2020 in light of Covid-19.
Royal college of obstetricians and gynaecologists agree.

Am I being unreasonable tomorrow if I insist on my husband being with me? I feel sick thinking of being told I’ve lost the baby on my own and then having to go outside and find him and have to repeat everything to him. It was hard enough today to retain what was being said. I understand if they want to minimise people in the waiting room but it was half empty and I don’t understand why they’d be able to contravene guidance from the organisation that commissions the service.

OP posts:
SuperCaliFragalistic · 09/03/2021 14:15

I'm pleased that you managed to speak up for yourself and the other patient. It sounds like that the appointment went well in that respect. I objected mainly to the term "insist" in your OP but it sounds like you were calm and assertive. Sorry you've had a hard time

Erkrie · 09/03/2021 14:16

Well done op. I hope it works out for you.

SomeRandomerOnBumsnet · 09/03/2021 14:18

You should insist and take a copy of the guidelines with you.

Hope everything goes well for you Flowers

SlovenlyUnwedMother · 09/03/2021 14:21

I'm disgusted by some of the comments on this thread. The lack of compassion for someone who is potentially losing their baby is staggering.

I miscarried last year and had to go through it alone, before delivering the news to my partner in the car park. It was deeply traumatic and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

It's not acceptable that anyone has experienced this, even those of you who think it's okay for the OP to go through it because you had to. Just like it's not acceptable that people have had to die alone or had cancer treatments delayed.

NHS staff should by now have largely been vaccinated. Allowances can and should be made.

I hope you're okay OP Flowers

FlashesOfRage · 09/03/2021 14:23

I hope you get the best news very soon @Lass67 x❤️

I don’t think you were unreasonable at all and I attended many scans alone in 2020 as well as going to all consultant appointments alone.

We all deserve better, it just hasn’t been physically possible in some places x

l2b2 · 09/03/2021 14:30

@toolatetofixate
How dare you speak like that to a poster who's just lost a loved one in tragic circumstances. Can you not understand how horrendous it is to not be permitted to hold your dying loved one's hand at the end?
You're very hard. I've reported your post.

l2b2 · 09/03/2021 14:32

@Sausageroll67
I should add that I'm sorry about your loss 💐, I fully understand how terrible that situation is.

Emilou89 · 09/03/2021 14:34

The whole topic makes me fume.
I'm so sorry you are in this position OP and I really really hope your journey going forward is positive.
I actually spoke to my local MP about this ridiculous rule. I had miscarried and had 2 scans the first one baby was there kicking away and a strong heartbeat and sadly the second one the heartbeat was no more. It makes me so sad that A my DH couldn't have seen the first happy scan and B that for the second scan where it was pretty obvious it was bad news I had to be alone even though my trust states partners can attend for emergency scans.
All the scans are done in the same room, same waiting area etc yet they are not allowed to a 12 week scan but can for 20 weeks. Scans are anxiety provoking experiences for some people. In most parts a women and her partner are from the same bubble/household. And why not request a lateral flow test the day before the scan or something. Its absolutely outrageous and I'm so angry for you and for everyone else on this thread who have had awful experiences. I agree we have to protect each other and our health professionals but what about protecting our mental state!

toolatetofixate · 09/03/2021 14:35

[quote l2b2]@toolatetofixate
How dare you speak like that to a poster who's just lost a loved one in tragic circumstances. Can you not understand how horrendous it is to not be permitted to hold your dying loved one's hand at the end?
You're very hard. I've reported your post. [/quote]

And what of her post? Heartless to OP because she's been through hardship. Her contribution to this thread has been "I've suffered so why shouldn't you."

Lovely.

Erkrie · 09/03/2021 14:38

How dare you speak like that to a poster who's just lost a loved one in tragic circumstances. Can you not understand how horrendous it is to not be permitted to hold your dying loved one's hand at the end?
You're very hard. I've reported your post.

Maybe the same courtesy and understanding could have been extended to the ops circumstances, knowing what it's like, no?

SlovenlyUnwedMother · 09/03/2021 14:42

@wewillmeetagain

Why is your need for support more important than the radiographers health?
You mean the radiographer who has most likely been vaccinated and will be wearing PPE?
Wishing14 · 09/03/2021 14:43

@l2b2 I also have been through this with a loved one, who died alone and scared for weeks on end in a hospital. And for what? I would fight to make sure other people don’t go through the same thing, I would not hope that they should suffer too. Patient care is severely lacking in many areas of the nhs and more needs to be done about it. Rules are not plucked out of thin air but based on cost-benefit analyses and should adhere to guidance where possible. I applaud those who stand up for themselves to make changes where they feel changes are needed. I believe doing that is our fundamental duty as a member of society. Not to blindly follow rules.

toolatetofixate · 09/03/2021 14:44

@Erkrie

How dare you speak like that to a poster who's just lost a loved one in tragic circumstances. Can you not understand how horrendous it is to not be permitted to hold your dying loved one's hand at the end? You're very hard. I've reported your post.

Maybe the same courtesy and understanding could have been extended to the ops circumstances, knowing what it's like, no?

She can report all she likes. She's just a member of the How Dare You Brigade. Aye, very good.

The person I responded to said to OP "why should you demand special treatment?" That's cruel and incorrect. She's not demanding special treatment. And comparing grievances just smacks of bitterness. Everyone is suffering at the moment. Some choose to use it as a race to the bottom and try to out-do each other on how hard they've had it. Not helpful to OP.

Erkrie · 09/03/2021 14:47

She can report all she likes. She's just a member of the How Dare You Brigade. Aye, very good

Yep.

l2b2 · 09/03/2021 14:51

@toolatetofixate @Erkrie
Anyone with any compassion, does not call a recently bereaved person "an arsehole."
If you can't understand that, then you truly are hard-faced. HTH.

wewillmeetagain · 09/03/2021 14:57

@SlovenlyUnwedMother yes that radiographer. The same as the hundreds of other HCPs who have ppe and still caught covid, some of whom died.

Erkrie · 09/03/2021 15:02

Anyone with any compassion, does not call a recently bereaved person "an arsehole."
If you can't understand that, then you truly are hard-faced. HTH.

Who called them an arsehole?

SlovenlyUnwedMother · 09/03/2021 15:02

@wewillmeetagain You conveniently missed out the vaccine part of my comment. The risk of a vaccinated HCP wearing PPE catching covid in the first place is low. The risk of a vaccinated HCP dying after catching covid is even lower.

toolatetofixate · 09/03/2021 15:05

@Erkrie

Anyone with any compassion, does not call a recently bereaved person "an arsehole." If you can't understand that, then you truly are hard-faced. HTH.

Who called them an arsehole?

No one did. I said this thread is full of people being arseholes to OP.

@l2b2 it's just getting her knickers in a twist. Everyone has suffered this last year- those who are using it as an excuse to "one up" the OP's situation are arseholes.

Erkrie · 09/03/2021 15:06

No one did. I said this thread is full of people being arseholes to OP.

Ahh. Smoke and mirrors.

l2b2 · 09/03/2021 15:07

@Erkrie
The poster called toolatetofixate (whose post has now been removed), specifically said "you and all the other arseholes on this thread....." when addressing sausage.
That's a spectacularly harsh comment to make to a recently bereaved person.

l2b2 · 09/03/2021 15:12

@toolatetofixate
No one did. I said this thread is full of people being arseholes to OP

^
No, you categorically didn't say that 'edited version' as above. That is why your post was removed by HQ. Your post was deeply offensive.

toolatetofixate · 09/03/2021 15:14

[quote l2b2]@Erkrie
The poster called toolatetofixate (whose post has now been removed), specifically said "you and all the other arseholes on this thread....." when addressing sausage.
That's a spectacularly harsh comment to make to a recently bereaved person. [/quote]

I'm a recently bereaved person. I didn't feel the need to bring that up in relation to OP's hardship. Some of the arseholes (yes, including the person I responded to) made OP cry this morning. This thread is swarming with miserable bastards who have called OP "selfish" and acting "special".

Fortunately the OP had the sense to ignore the doom-mongers and stood up for herself. Her partner was with her for the scan. Good on her and bollocks to all the participants of the grievance olympics on this thread.

2020iscancelled · 09/03/2021 15:20

It’s so sad that people’s reaction is “I had to experience this shit thing so you should too” rather than “I don’t want other people to experience this shit thing I had to”

What a bizarre mindset

toolatetofixate · 09/03/2021 15:22

@2020iscancelled

It’s so sad that people’s reaction is “I had to experience this shit thing so you should too” rather than “I don’t want other people to experience this shit thing I had to”

What a bizarre mindset

Bingo!

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