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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I too controlling with DCs free time?

309 replies

IheartSundays · 07/03/2021 07:58

Am I being unrealistic (or too controlling) about what DC do in their free time? Eg on school days we have one video game day where we set the console up, have snacks, and they play until dinner time - whereas the 11 year old friends are allowed to play every day. I have verified this with the friends parents - who accept that whilst not ideal it's just modern life.

Likewise with TV it's not on all the time/whenever they like. DC were telling me at their dads it's great they get the remote control when they want and don't need permission which made me to wince to be honest and question just how controlling I am being.

OP posts:

Everydaydragon · 07/03/2021 07:59

How old are your dc?

Sahm101 · 07/03/2021 08:01

Yanbu. But instead of a whole one day of video games, why not let them play for a smaller amount of time each/every other day. On a school day we are strict with screen times but weekends we are a bit more flexible. However there isn't free reign over it here. Overstimulation is so damaging.

Original poster

IheartSundays · 07/03/2021 08:01

7 and 11

OP posts:

Takemetothebar · 07/03/2021 08:01

How old are the children? One is 11, how old is the other?

It sounds controlling to me. Mine have to do at least one physical activity, and the jobs related to their animals, outside of that it’s their choice whether they read, play, TV, listen to audio books. I do make sure they aren’t non stop on screens, but I don’t police that like you!

Original poster

IheartSundays · 07/03/2021 08:02

The school day is from after school until dinner so about two hours.

OP posts:

AaronPurr · 07/03/2021 08:03

I think a child's free time should be spent how they want. Imposing limits on specific days and times to play games and watch TV is in my opinion very controlling.

mediumduboir · 07/03/2021 08:05

During lockdown and the schools been closed my kids have had more screen time. When back at school I will reduce it and won't be playing everyday.

Iwantafuckingbreak · 07/03/2021 08:06

Yes, I think so. After school we will walk the dog/go to park/play in garden etc then after dinner they can go on their games or watch tv until bedtime. The tv is always on in the background even if it's not being watched. Obviously in the summer we are more active and they may play on their games longer in the winter. It's their free time and they should spend it doing things they enjoy.

I also personally think if your too ridged with these things it can cause problems later on. For example my mum never let us have fizzy drinks, when I was old enough to buy my own I went overboard now I'm practically addicted to the stuff. A couple hours a day watching tv or playing a game isnt going to do any harm.

Original poster

IheartSundays · 07/03/2021 08:06

Yes it is policing isn't it, I hadn't noticed to be honest so was glad they said.
However the 11 year old friends choose screens all the time, not sure they are choosing to read and do a variety of things.

OP posts:

SchoolMarks · 07/03/2021 08:07

8&11 no gaming on a school day. They earn gaming for the weekend by completing homework, music practice, sport and reading during the week.

Tv on a school day only after 530pm, if they’ve showered, tidied and packed school bags (and done sport and homework).

AaronPurr · 07/03/2021 08:09

However the 11 year old friends choose screens all the time, not sure they are choosing to read and do a variety of things.

Surely this is because it's a great way connecting with friends at the minute? I always had my nose in a book as a child, but no one forced me to choose another activity because i'd been reading for too long.

rookiemere · 07/03/2021 08:09

It is difficult and you don't want them to have unfettered access to screens. I think it is important to differentiate between the 7 and 11 year old otherwise you're likely to hit problems once he becomes a teen. So I'd make a big deal of letting the older sibling have a bit more time.

DorisLessingsCat · 07/03/2021 08:11

It's not controlling to limit time spent on screens or being sedentary. It's not controlling to ask them to do a few chores. That is completely normal parenting.

Sunhoop · 07/03/2021 08:12

I think limiting screen time is good parenting TBH. Unlimited screens are fine for some DCs who can it or leave it but others will do nothing else if let.

It seems a little limited just one day per week but are your DC complaining or are they accepting of the rules? If they're not complaining I'd keep it up but if they are then you could consider loosening the controls a bit.

My DC are younger so no gaming yet but have been having FAR too much tv this lockdown. Back to school tomorrow and I intend on getting back to normal which was tv every day for an hour while I make dinner. It's the only way I get to cook in peace and seems to be a good balance. I let them have more at the weekend.

Sunhoop · 07/03/2021 08:14

I always had my nose in a book as a child, but no one forced me to choose another activity because i'd been reading for too long.

But reading is good for children, screens are not so it's not the same thing at all really.

Sooverthis1 · 07/03/2021 08:14

I think it sounds normal enough tbh. I have three dcs and we go out a lot as they are very active so like cycling, running etc. Two of mine love swimming and football so are missing it a lot at the moment so we need to make up for it in other ways.
I definitely think it's good to have downtime though as like adults some kids love tv etc.
I do think some kids are in front of screens way too much these days which could also be thanks to parents having to work and have their kids at home ft which is no one's fault but when I talk to people about how they are able to have chilled, at home days it sounds like there's a lot of tv/screens involved. Our kids tend to get really agitated if we are at home for hours in the morning and are much better after a but if fresh air and exercise, I honestly never get how plp can be at home all day with kids without them climbing the walls but all kids ate different.
Maybe my dcs are different, they love playing but wouldn't solidly play for hours and hours on end and need to expend their energy. My youngest is only 3 so obvs he doesn't watch much tv and we don't have ipads or video games but my eldest is 10 and can see a lot of his friends do so im sure he'll want to soon but I'm really reluctant as I often hear from parents they can't get them off them etc and then kids losing interest in other things. I think your way is actually better even if it is a bit controlling.

Ginandplatonic · 07/03/2021 08:16

Of course it’s not controlling, it’s parenting. When mine were that age we had a no gaming on school nights rule so they did their homework and music practise and so on. And no TV in the mornings and not until after homework was done. This was more restrictive than many (but not all) of their peers, but they survived, and didn’t turn into screen addicted zombies when the rules were relaxed when they got older.

Original poster

IheartSundays · 07/03/2021 08:16

It's good to hear what is more typical.

I have been careful not to police food but that's easier, I make sure there are a variety of healthy things they can help themselves to if they need.

If I had a cupboard full of sweets and chocolates (ie Nintendo!) i am not sure they would choose popcorn or cheese and crackers however!

TV is often on after school as well but the "control" is more, eg, that bedtime is reading not TV. At Dads they can choose and it's on from 6am.

The 11 year old has TV to himself for an hour when the younger goes to bed.

(My children have been at school throughout so not the same lockdown issues where I imagine you do whatever you need to get through!)

I might ask my 11 year old what feels reasonable to him re playing on the switch.

OP posts:

Mintjulia · 07/03/2021 08:18

Ds (12) has to do homework first but once done, he can watch tv or play video games.

At weekends I make sure he does an hour exercise/sport each day and helps with chores but otherwise am fairly relaxed about how he spends his time.

Ellpellwood · 07/03/2021 08:19

2 hours a week is really quite mean. I think you risk losing balance - some kids hit an age where they're too old to be banned from things (mid to late teens?) and then absolutely binge on forbidden stuff. Games, junk food, alcohol.

Wandamakestoast · 07/03/2021 08:20

Interesting those who allow tv but not computer games in the week. What is different about tv that it’s allowed?

Hardbackwriter · 07/03/2021 08:21

@Sunhoop

I always had my nose in a book as a child, but no one forced me to choose another activity because i'd been reading for too long.

But reading is good for children, screens are not so it's not the same thing at all really.

Reading as a sole activity isn't especially great for children (and I say this as someone who also always had their head in a book as a child) - it's sedentary, solitary and doesn't involve any fine motor skills. It's great as part of a range of things to do but not all day every day. It also depends on what is being read. The idea that reading is inherently virtuous and improving regardless whether it's total trash being read is very cultural - it certainly isn't how people thought when novels first became popular, then it was seen much as we see screens now...

Sahm101 · 07/03/2021 08:21

I personally think it's a bad idea for gaming or TV right up until bedtime, regardless of the amount of active things they have done during the day. There is no time to wind down and the stimulation before bedtime isn't healthy. We are stricter during the week, 30 min TV time as opposed to weekends when it's much longer. My dc are too young for gaming but we will be doing that as well when the time comes. My nephews were left to play as much as they wanted, and now at teens they are just difficult to deal with. It's a constant battle for bil and sil to have any say over. I think you are doing the right thing op.

Original poster

IheartSundays · 07/03/2021 08:22

2 hours is a school night thing. They do more at weekends. Also part of their week is at their dads do I feel like I am offsetting the unlimited gaming there. But it really makes time with me feel really rigid.

OP posts:

Ellpellwood · 07/03/2021 08:24

Also, I hate the term "screens". It's so dismissive. Building stuff on Minecraft, playing Lego Harry Potter, reading on a Kindle, playing games on a CBBC/CBeebies app, video calling family. All of these have benefits.

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