Am I too controlling with DCs free time?

[IheartSundays]

Am I being unrealistic (or too controlling) about what DC do in their free time? Eg on school days we have one video game day where we set the console up, have snacks, and they play until dinner time - whereas the 11 year old friends are allowed to play every day. I have verified this with the friends parents - who accept that whilst not ideal it's just modern life.

Likewise with TV it's not on all the time/whenever they like. DC were telling me at their dads it's great they get the remote control when they want and don't need permission which made me to wince to be honest and question just how controlling I am being.

I’m very similar. I limit screen time but they do know why.

I do think not controlling screen time teaches moderation in the long term. I've never dictated screen time with my two (they are 5&7). The 7 year old plays minecraft a lot, the 5 year old plays games on the iPad. They very often just stop playing and wonder off to play with toys when they've had enough.

I do also think screen time is at an all time high with lockdown, even if in school. No after school clubs, no softplays play dates, no in house play dates, the weather doesn't allow for the park as often. In the summer we go to the park every day after school and in winter they'd normally have play dates or football club with naturally moderates screen time.

I do think you need to loosen up, especially with the TV remote. I also agree with screens off an hour before bed, we read and have a slow bedtime routine on the lead up to sleep.

Yes I agree with you. DD is currently building a Minecraft world with a group of friends and they talk to each other via a headset whilst doing it. They are collaborating, being creative, chatting, joking.

mine do that too, but that will only be allowed because of the lockdown. As soon as schools reopen, their clubs, their sports, they will see friends in real life and won't have any need for Minecraft and the rest.

It's very sad that the only life these kids have been allowed is virtual.

Wow - I am surprised by the relaxed approach to screens. We allow 30-40 mins tv each weekday evening. Totally agree with tv and wind down/ chill out time. Great before bed. No computer games / iPad on weekdays as they’ve typically done some screen time at school and it’s so time consuming!

At weekends, longer tv time eg a movie and two sessions on the iPad for games or chat with friends. This might be an hour but never more than that.

They love tv and screen time of all varieties but I think it’s sth to be rationed mainly to free up time to focus on physical, creative, or low stimulation activities as well.

The week night gaming came from end of school hols and kids having a little grumble about back to school meaning less time for things like video games. So I said why don't we pick a night and make it video game night...Set it up when we get home from school and have snacky dinner that day.

So what was great for a while for DC1 is now perceived as restrictive. Hence me rethinking.

I think a "games night" is great for younger kids but as you can see, older ones don't really appreciate having so many restrictions on their time.

To be honest I don't think an hour a night after school is a big deal for an 11yo so long as they've done their homework, especially at the moment when opportunities for socialising and playing with friends is extremely limited.

I do think not controlling screen time teaches moderation in the long term.

I completely disagree, I think it's exactly the opposite.

And if that’s controlling....well, I shall continue to be controlling in this area because I think it’s so addictive, so bad for physical and brain development and they can’t currently self regulate anywhere near
the amount they think they can.

It leaves no room in your life to develop other stuff.

It’s also a bit like calorie counting - we all underestimate.

@goodbyelenin

I do think not controlling screen time teaches moderation in the long term.

I completely disagree, I think it's exactly the opposite.

I suppose it depends on the child. My two moderate themselves and I've found in the past, children who are restricted come round and just stare at my TV or beg to go on my kids tablets. Whereas my kids never do and would rather play. They always choose outside over inside too. But I will concede they are still young, it could be a different story in 5 years time.

I also personally think if your too ridged with these things it can cause problems later on. For example my mum never let us have fizzy drinks, when I was old enough to buy my own I went overboard now I'm practically addicted to the stuff. A couple hours a day watching tv or playing a game isnt going to do any harm.

Yep, I totally agree with this and I had exactly the same thing re. fizzy drinks. My dad was absolutely obsessed with healthy food and eating and it gave me such a warped view of food. He was similar with screens and TV and now as an adult I have the TV on all the time when I'm home as it was so limited when I was growing up.

Everything in moderation is key - if you're too restrictive, they'll go massively the other way as soon as they're given the chance.

Mine get 45 mins after school to do whatever they want without me (I have to work then). They usually choose screens. Sometimes the elder DC does colouring/tracing. Then after I finish work we have some time together, sometimes it's a game, or they help me with chores or they bake or we walk to the park.

I'd rather they have a small amount of time for screens if they want each day than one weekday of concentrated chunk - even if it ends up that they spend more time in screens.

Agree that controlling / rationing things is part of learning moderation and self discipline.

More screen time during lockdown/winter tbh.

I don't expect them to ask to be allowed to put the TV on, but they do have time limits on tablets or whatever

My DS2 is 10. In normal times he’d be football training 4 times a week but obviously not at the moment. He pretty much has free rein over his Xbox, it’s the only way he gets to talk to his friends so why would I take that opportunity away from him? I wouldn’t take or restrict my own phone use so why would I do that to him?

I think when things go back to normal and the weather gets better the amount of time he spends on it will naturally reduce.

And if that’s controlling....well, I shall continue to be controlling in this area because I think it’s so addictive, so bad for physical and brain development and they can’t currently self regulate anywhere near
the amount they think they can.

I mean, that's fine but what are you going to do when they're 16/17/18 and you can no longer tell them what to do in the way you can now? How will they learn to self-regulate as adults if they were never given the chance to learn as children?

I agree that not all children can self regulate well but I cringe when I see some of the rigid restrictions parents place on their kids. Some restrictions are fine but I think flexibility is important to - saying "no" for the sake of it rarely works out in the long run.

@sunflowersandbuttercups

I also personally think if your too ridged with these things it can cause problems later on. For example my mum never let us have fizzy drinks, when I was old enough to buy my own I went overboard now I'm practically addicted to the stuff. A couple hours a day watching tv or playing a game isnt going to do any harm.

Yep, I totally agree with this and I had exactly the same thing re. fizzy drinks. My dad was absolutely obsessed with healthy food and eating and it gave me such a warped view of food. He was similar with screens and TV and now as an adult I have the TV on all the time when I'm home as it was so limited when I was growing up.

Everything in moderation is key - if you're too restrictive, they'll go massively the other way as soon as they're given the chance.

Absolutely this. I went to a university with a high number of privately educated 18 year olds who had had tutors every weekday or "homework clubs" until 5pm. Also a high number with very strict parents. They morphed into party animals when they got through the gates!

A couple hours a day watching tv or playing a game isnt going to do any harm

But seriously where does the time come from? Maybe these are much older kids who go to bed at ?10pm? but with homework, tea, after school activities like swimming and a bit of family time, I would find 2 hours a day really hard to find.

I do however think it’s nice OP that you have taken an interest in them to make a ‘games night’. I have always tried to keep an eye on what games mine are playing. I am surprised by some parents who just hand screens over with no control or involvement about what their kids are playing.

In February half term we asked the kids for suggestions about what they would like to do (as we couldn’t go away / do outings as usual) and one of their ideas was a family games night so we ended up one evening playing group games Mario Kart / 1-2 Switch etc. Actually we had a lot of fun (and they loved the fact they are better than us at most games!).

Yes I do agree we have been too sedentary recently, but that is due to factors outside our control, and once lockdown eases and weather warms up we’ll all be more active. I think the last year has been really tough on kids and if they want to relax by playing computer games for a couple of hours a day then I don’t mind.

And if that’s controlling....well, I shall continue to be controlling in this area because I think it’s so addictive, so bad for physical and brain development and they can’t currently self regulate anywhere near the amount they think they can.

I mean, that's fine but what are you going to do when they're 16/17/18 and you can no longer tell them what to do in the way you can now? How will they learn to self-regulate as adults if they were never given the chance to learn as children?

I agree that not all children can self regulate well but I cringe when I see some of the rigid restrictions parents place on their kids. Some restrictions are fine but I think flexibility is important to - saying "no" for the sake of it rarely works out in the long run.

You wince at them being able to watch TV at their dad’s?

Please unclench.

My boys are 12&9 and I don't put limits on. They are self limiting though and it isn't often they would sit and play for a two hour stretch.

They know what things they need to do in a day and I never really have to remind them.

I think my attitude would be very different if they were constantly on them. I also don't have consoles or tv's in bedrooms, they are only in common areas of the house. I do let them take the IPads to their rooms on a Friday or Saturday night if they want to watch a movie in bed.

It helps there are views across the spectrum to consider. I tend to think (hope!) that in the main if you are reflective in terms of parenting, mostly you won't go too wrong.

They are currently watching a film while I have a lie in so it's not mega strict - but time for me to put my phone away!

I think my eldest (and thread) is reminding me he's getting older and things change.

Strict limits on computer/console games here for my DC (11, 9 and 6). Maybe once or twice during the week after school and for an hour or so on a Saturday morning. They have to ask to watch TV and we don't have it on everyday. I think it's really important for children to be bored sometimes and not just be able to pick up an electronic device to entertain themselves. Also, their behaviour is often noticeably worse when they've played video games. DS1 is in year 7 and has a smartphone which switches off after 30 mins use each day. Before we had these controls on it he was watching YouTube videos for 3 hours a day without me realising. I don't think they can self-regulate at this age so YANBU IMO.

@sunflowersandbuttercups

Because you can learn to self regulate by being told to, not just developing it yourself. I explain to my children why one hour is all I want them to do iPad for. Hopefully they’ll learn the message, and the rationale, and then apply it to themselves when they’re older. I just don’t think letting them play as much as they want would suddenly morph into that control at 16/17/18

Lots of children & teens if given free access to screens will do nothing else & imho that's not appropriate. Screens are addictive. Some screen time can be valuable but much of what children and teens choose to do (simple consumption of media) is basically pointless and just exposes them to constant marketing etc.

While they are living under your roof & you have some responsibility for educating them and turning them into usefully skilled members of society, I think it's completely fine to have limits.

But you could put some choice into it. Eg can have x amount screen time per week, up to them if they have it all on one day or a little each etc.

I think you’re right to limit gaming time. Lots of children/teens I know aren’t allowed video games at all on school nights.