Am I too controlling with DCs free time?

[IheartSundays]

Am I being unrealistic (or too controlling) about what DC do in their free time? Eg on school days we have one video game day where we set the console up, have snacks, and they play until dinner time - whereas the 11 year old friends are allowed to play every day. I have verified this with the friends parents - who accept that whilst not ideal it's just modern life.

Likewise with TV it's not on all the time/whenever they like. DC were telling me at their dads it's great they get the remote control when they want and don't need permission which made me to wince to be honest and question just how controlling I am being.

Kids really vary too. DS will watch for hours like a zombie if allowed to. DD will watch a program then choose to go off and find something else to do.

Ds needs limits, and his behaviour improves massively when he has them.

@HandMini

A couple hours a day watching tv or playing a game isnt going to do any harm

But seriously where does the time come from? Maybe these are much older kids who go to bed at ?10pm? but with homework, tea, after school activities like swimming and a bit of family time, I would find 2 hours a day really hard to find.

I used to finish school at 2.50pm. Go to bed at about 8 in later primary I'd guess? Eating tea took me about 10 minutes! Any after school activity (Brownies etc.) was run by adults who worked, so started at 6 earliest.

I think it depends if children are at wrap around care. In that case then yes, the evening is short.

@Bicnod

His phone switches off after 30 minutes? And that’s it for the day? What happens if a friend messaged him out of that designated time?

I think free time is free time and I didn't police it - including screen time. I consequently have two very good gamers :) so much so that one (late teens now) is applying to gaming companies for work.

I think until we get back to 'normal' my dc have a lot of screen time because we think it's more important that they have some contact with their friends.

Once they are back at school and they can see their friends in and out of school then screen time will be reduced.

@AaronPurr

I think a child's free time should be spent how they want. Imposing limits on specific days and times to play games and watch TV is in my opinion very controlling.

Not for a 7 and 11 year old. It's different as they grow up. I think you are doing the right thing OP. Gaming has caused so many arguments in our house.

[quote HandMini]@sunflowersandbuttercups

Because you can learn to self regulate by being told to, not just developing it yourself. I explain to my children why one hour is all I want them to do iPad for. Hopefully they’ll learn the message, and the rationale, and then apply it to themselves when they’re older. I just don’t think letting them play as much as they want would suddenly morph into that control at 16/17/18[/quote]
My dad was controlling with various things when I was younger - mainly TV, junk food and fizzy drinks, and that's certainly not what I learnt from his behaviour I'm afraid. More the complete opposite. I have very little self-control over those things now, because I was never taught it. I was only allowed things when given permission, I couldn't just choose it for myself.

There's also a big difference between "just letting them play as much as they want" and having arbitrary restrictions for the sake of it. Natural limits because you're out all day or it's bedtime is very different to saying "no" just because you can.

Oh and where I live OP your approach is absolutely the norm. Children here (relatively affluent home counties) are not given phones or tablets until secondary school and i only know a handful of 10 & 11 year olds with nintendo switches, most parents here seen to agree you hold off on technology as long as possible.

I don’t see why rules or limits for children that age is a bad thing
My kids would go from tv to tablet to Xbox 13 hours a day if they could to the exception of all else
Trying to introduce other stimuli and reduce reliance on them is hardly cruelty

You wince at them being able to watch TV at their dad’s?
You have misunderstood, I meant I winced that they said it as a good thing because it suggests that TV is too controlled here. I certainly hadn't felt that restrictive about TV but clearly it's a thing for them.

I also personally think if your too ridged with these things it can cause problems later on. For example my mum never let us have fizzy drinks, when I was old enough to buy my own I went overboard now I'm practically addicted to the stuff.

I completely disagree with that again!

If I look at families of very slim people around me, they have ALWAYS been slim, with parents rather strict over rubbish food, when it was not banned completely.

The ones who are constantly complaining about their weight are already feeding their kids unnecessary snacks, biscuits, crisps, sweets, soft drinks. The kids are not learning anything.

And it shows when they get older.

I wouldn't get hysterical about it, my kids even got the latest playstation for Christmas and that was a task and 1/2 to get it!, but teaching them boundaries from the youngest age is better.

@TillyTopper

I think free time is free time and I didn't police it - including screen time. I consequently have two very good gamers :) so much so that one (late teens now) is applying to gaming companies for work.

My DH is in the industry. Videogames have paid our mortgage since 2008! There is so much money in gaming.

@Ellpellwood - yes appreciate everyone’s timing is different.

Ours come home around 4 and bed around 8 so 2 hours within that would be significant - a big chunk of total free time used on screens.

@Figgygal

I don’t see why rules or limits for children that age is a bad thing My kids would go from tv to tablet to Xbox 13 hours a day if they could to the exception of all else Trying to introduce other stimuli and reduce reliance on them is hardly cruelty

Introducing other things and keeping them busy outside of gaming is very different to just point blank banning games 5 days a week, though.

I sort of wish I had your determination, OP. My two play continually online. That said, they are otherwise well balanced and doing well. I had a v controlling mother so I suspect I’ve gone the other way, and I worry that it’s not great.

It's such a tricky subject & think about it far too often. I'm more on the controlling side..... My 8 year old has 'chill' 6.30-730 & can do what he wants & always opts for a screen. None in the morning during the week (term time) but can at weekends. Holidays we are also more relaxed. Thankfully, both his dad & I are on the same page. But I'm even worse when it comes to what he puts in his mouth. I'm expecting (hoping for the best) it may backfire, but a risk currently I'm willing to take.

There's also a big difference between "just letting them play as much as they want" and having arbitrary restrictions for the sake of it. Natural limits because you're out all day or it's bedtime is very different to saying "no" just because you can.

We don't say "no" because we can, we say "no" because it's the best interest of the child.

Parents are not trying to torture their kids and make their life miserable, they are trying to give them the most healthy and rich life they possibly can.

And I can’t disagree that immersing yourself in the gaming world teaches you a whole different language/social scene and clearly opportunity to earn big money 💰 😊. Jealous of sth you love paying the mortgage.

Still I would say missing out on that is a risk I’ll take

If I look at families of very slim people around me, they have ALWAYS been slim, with parents rather strict over rubbish food, when it was not banned completely.

This was my childhood and I'm afraid as an adult I've gone completely the other way. I'm not overweight as I have a very physical job but I eat and drink far more than my share of cake, crisps and fizzy drinks.

Introducing other things and keeping them busy outside of gaming is very different to just point blank banning games 5 days a week, though.

it teaches them to occupy themselves and find something else to do.
And it give them a much needed break during the week too. I can't see any benefit whatsoever in allowing my kids to be reliant on screen at all time.

@HandMini I think a big difference for me is that I was an only child, and I have an only child. There wasn't much else to do when I got in, while mum cooked dinner, other than read or watch TV. Especially in Yorkshire in the winter.

it teaches them to occupy themselves and find something else to do.

Goodbyelenin Would you feel the same if they were reading for a few hours each night?

Only talking about gaming and YouTube here, tv is unrestricted.

My teen plays about 3 hours a day at the moment.
My youngest has about 2 hours.

In normal times the youngest would have an hour after school because that’s all the time there is with other stuff that needs to happen.

Eldest would generally do two hours before tea then an hour or a little less after, one night a week she has until 9pm.

It gets turned off if anyone starts melting down about it (mainly because I can’t stand the noise)

At weekends they’re unrestricted unless someone else wants the console or something else has to happen. I’m very clear about expectations. Gaming is my daughter’s hobby and she has learned to self manage, so, even though she’s unrestricted at weekends, she sticks to the weekday amount anyway.

Jane McGonigal has a good TED talk about the benefits of gaming :)

Just to add, my eldest doesn’t have a smart phone and isn’t allowed unsupervised internet use in her room, only family areas on her laptop.

I think it’s important to decide what’s necessary for your own family.

@goodbyelenin

There's also a big difference between "just letting them play as much as they want" and having arbitrary restrictions for the sake of it. Natural limits because you're out all day or it's bedtime is very different to saying "no" just because you can.

We don't say "no" because we can, we say "no" because it's the best interest of the child.

Parents are not trying to torture their kids and make their life miserable, they are trying to give them the most healthy and rich life they possibly can.

But some of the limits on this thread don't suggest that to me.

A PP whose 11yo can only use their mobile phone for 30 minutes a day, for example, screams "controlling" to me.

Similarly to OP who allows a couple of hours of games but only one night a week - why not spread the time over four or five days so there aren't huge chunks of time where child feels like they're missing out?

It just seems like it's being rigid for the sake of it - she allows the games so it's not like they're what she objects to, but it's controlling their use to that extent that's odd to me.

I hear a lot of horror stories from friends about how addicted their kids get to gaming and the behaviours it brings.

Some kids will be able to regulate their own gaming. Others won't. One size does not fit all. Games are designed to be addictive and keep them playing.

I don't know what the answer is but if the game night works for you then great. I can already see one of my children can regulate food/ screen time no problem and the other one can't.

I think your limits sound good op. Life has changed due to lockdown and hopefully kids can have more face to face time. Be aware if they have unlimited screen time at their dad's then monitored at yours thry may kick off about this and you end up being the bad guy.