Am I too controlling with DCs free time?

[IheartSundays]

Am I being unrealistic (or too controlling) about what DC do in their free time? Eg on school days we have one video game day where we set the console up, have snacks, and they play until dinner time - whereas the 11 year old friends are allowed to play every day. I have verified this with the friends parents - who accept that whilst not ideal it's just modern life.

Likewise with TV it's not on all the time/whenever they like. DC were telling me at their dads it's great they get the remote control when they want and don't need permission which made me to wince to be honest and question just how controlling I am being.

That doesn't sound controlling at all, it sounds like a brilliant system! You're setting some rules and boundaries in the children's best interest.

Presumably, they're allowed to do what they want, as long as it's off-screen? So the opposite of controlling, in fact.

Homework should be voluntary. Would mothers tell their husbands they couldn't go out on a work night?

Mine are 7 and 9. On school days no Games, they each have a computer so they are allowed to read the news, play chess, do coding/maths, learn drawing from Youtube, watch a documentary (no films or cartoons) on TV etc after homework. They earn their game time at weekends (one afternoon) by doing reading and homework during the week.

During the homeschool period, things were more relaxed.

It's not controlling to limit screen time, as long as you let them choose the other things they want to do. (As well as contributing towards cleaning or cooking etc). Maybe they need a bit of encouragement to do other things, as screens are both addictive and require no effort!
Having a discussion with them to help them understand why you want to limit screen time, agree what amount of time they think sensible and how they would prefer to use their allowed time, seems a good idea.
They may moan now but are they going to turn round in 20 years time and be annoyed that you didn't let them play computer games all day long? Do what's best for them in the long term

@marktayloruk

Homework should be voluntary. Would mothers tell their husbands they couldn't go out on a work night?

That's a weird way to phrase it. We're not our husbands' mothers, so the situation doesn't really parallel, does it?

@wingsanddreams

Mine are 7 and 9. On school days no Games, they each have a computer so they are allowed to read the news, play chess, do coding/maths, learn drawing from Youtube, watch a documentary (no films or cartoons) on TV etc after homework. They earn their game time at weekends (one afternoon) by doing reading and homework during the week.

During the homeschool period, things were more relaxed.

I like this idea. I don't have a problem with screen time in itself, unless it's taking away from outdoor activity or friend/sibling relationships, but I find the games and YouTube are ultimately always the main focus especially for my ASD DC, who then has much worse behaviours.

Also, I hate the term "screens". It's so dismissive. Building stuff on Minecraft, playing Lego Harry Potter, reading on a Kindle, playing games on a CBBC/CBeebies app, video calling family. All of these have benefits.

Reading a book and talking to family have benefits. The others don't. They are not necessarily harmful in moderate amounts, but they are of no benefit. A child who never plays computer games or watches TV is not at any disadvantage. At least not if they have a normal selection of other childhood activities to choose from.

I don’t think screens should be viewed as bad it’s the content that they’re interacting with. I encourage playing games like minecraft, the sims and mario cart over just watching tv as they’re still thinking and developing skills. Whereas I limit time on iPads watching YouTube as they tend to watch the most utter rubbish! Although they can always use YouTube for learning purposes / watching a tutorial on something they are interested in. Electronic devices are the future, I think it’s important kids are up to date and competent with new technology and use it to their advantage. My Dd7 can send an email and order a pizza via an app.. both equally important things to know in life 😂
Saying that we steer clear of TV games consoles and iPads for an hour before bedtime Dds play with toys /draw / read a book to wind down

I perhaps have the largest age gap between children on MN (1978 to 2019), and I think we do a great disservice to our kids by trying to shoehorn a 2021 child into a 1991 child's lifestyle. The world is not the same, childhood is not the same, and tbh, let's not pretend the 1991 child didn't also spend a shit load of time on screens.

That's not to say kid's should be allowed on 24/7, but video games today are a social hangout. Games like the sims are a creative tool. YouTube is their equivalent of TV, so I do think limiting their screen time to a couple of hours a week is socially productive because they fall behind on popular culture. Memes and tik tok trends are a huge part of that. The twist ending to little nightmares 2, the new dead by daylight killer, or James Charles' latest scandal is important. The way I view it, it's no different to the trashy magazines or gossip shows they used to watch in the early 2000's, and they should be allowed an hour or so to unwind with it.

Try this...they may watch tv or play a video game for an hour, then read, play, whatever else for the other hour. Keeps screen time to a minimum, but makes them feel a bit more in control of their "free" time. They are also learning about choices, consequences, and time management in easy, baby-steps.

Just for reassurance - I think YANBU. I’m really surprised at the number who say you are. Kids aren’t great at policing themselves, you’re the parent. It’s your job snd presumably when they say it’s unfair consistently, you’ll negotiate on what suits you all (that’s what we do). Outside of lockdown/homeschooling my 10 year old gets Friday after school on devices. Then usually after 3/4 on Saturday and maybe a bit of time on Sunday. Nothing during the week.
My daughter is 13 and has access to her phone but we have worked together to create limits on her app using parental controls and the phone stops at 8.15 and is left downstairs overnight. I know that this best for them all. Ever changing and open to discussion but definitely NOT a free for all.

I honestly don't see why people are so negative about gaming. As long as the games are age-appropriate and the kids are doing other things as well, what is actually the problem with it? People talk as though it's inherently bad. Why? Unnecessarily demonising something your dc enjoy is not kind or helpful.

My 12yo ds plays every day. He also reads, plays the guitar, goes for long walks with us and/or runs on his own and does all his school work. He's sociable with the rest of the family, and dh plays some console games too, so ds and dh talk about it quite often. Plus it gives him a way of interacting with his friends, especially helpful during lockdown.

I perhaps have the largest age gap between children on MN (1978 to 2019)

This blows my mind - you have a 42yo child and a 2yo child?

Amazing!

Gaming was less popular when a lot of the posters who are posting were children it was also at that point and still is very dominated by men. It is now more socially acceptable and more people game than ever.

Both myself and DH are lifelong gamers but we are also in to sport. We both played in hockey teams till we were 30 and DH continued to play cricket till we had DS a couple of years later.

I remember playing PlayStation 2 tournaments with my housemates at University which included unbeknown to me the man I would marry :) DS is like us in to sport and gaming which I think is a good mix. We both ended up with decent careers.

As long as sports, chores and studying area done I see no problem.

Eteri what a fab post.

I had one in the early 90’s and one in the mid noughties. The younger one didn’t watch tv much as she watched kids YouTube all the time. She never watches normal tv.

The older one definitely watched more tv, although never watches it now.

They both used tech to connect with their friends. Both are keen gamers and play friends online all the time. Ds even manages to play whilst working....🙄he works from home.

I do think some of the tech restrictions are Luddism and a sort of moral superiority. It’s the future, and how people connect now. Rationing it too much isolated children.

I perhaps have the largest age gap between children on MN (1978 to 2019), and I think we do a great disservice to our kids by trying to shoehorn a 2021 child into a 1991 child's lifestyle. The world is not the same, childhood is not the same, and tbh, let's not pretend the 1991 child didn't also spend a shit load of time on screens.

You are making a very good point, but the difference in lifestyle makes me feel even more convinced screens need to be very limited (in my house, I don't care what other people do).
We are generally a hell of a lot less active as the years go by, and it's getting easier and easier to just not do anything physical. The last thing my own kids need would be encouragement or even tolerance for sitting in front of screen all day - they naturally spend an awful time on them for school work.

Same as for adults, they need to learn to do things away from screens. Most of us could very easily sit in front a computer for work 10 hours a day, then slump on the sofa to watch tv, then go to bed reading crap on our phone. You can't stop the working hours, but you can change everything else.

So very limited video games it is for me. I don't care if I am called an awful controlling parent, I want my kids to go and play outside, exercise outside, go for a bike ride, anything.

Doesn’t sound controlling to me. Sounds like it’s in your kids best interests to have a limit and structure in place especially considering they have free reign with their dad. And no it doesn’t matter what their friends can or can’t do!

So very limited video games it is for me. I don't care if I am called an awful controlling parent, I want my kids to go and play outside, exercise outside, go for a bike ride, anything.

I agree about it being really important to do other things and to get outside. But the question is, do video games need to be very limited in order to achieve that? I mean obviously it's up to you. But is your very vigorous limiting of video games honestly only because you want them to be outside, or is it actually based on a dislike or suspicion of video games? Because my dc manage to do quite a bit of gaming and other things too.

It's difficult, I only based my decision on our own personalities and habits.

I honestly believe my kids read as much as they do because at some point they didn't have a choice - I am not saying I FORCED them to do, but we only took so many toys on holidays, didn't allow tv or tablets or similar at all, so .. they naturally started to read books and magazines.

I think they naturally would have grabbed a tablet if they had one instead.

Now they are so used to read, and not allowed tablet in bed or restaurants anyway, they don't even question it, and they enjoy it. It's like brushing your teeth, eventually it becomes second nature. If you don't force your young kids, they don't bother.

I think if they were allowed video games during the week, they would play on their console and not do something else instead. Honestly, some of the games are not things you just pick for 10 minutes and leave, it's things that you could spend hours on.

@goodbyelenin

It's difficult, I only based my decision on our own personalities and habits.

I honestly believe my kids read as much as they do because at some point they didn't have a choice - I am not saying I FORCED them to do, but we only took so many toys on holidays, didn't allow tv or tablets or similar at all, so .. they naturally started to read books and magazines.

I think they naturally would have grabbed a tablet if they had one instead.

Now they are so used to read, and not allowed tablet in bed or restaurants anyway, they don't even question it, and they enjoy it. It's like brushing your teeth, eventually it becomes second nature. If you don't force your young kids, they don't bother.

I think if they were allowed video games during the week, they would play on their console and not do something else instead. Honestly, some of the games are not things you just pick for 10 minutes and leave, it's things that you could spend hours on.

I agree with all of this. When my kids are flopping round the house complaining that they are bored they don't get to just switch on the TV/pick up a games console (sometimes, but not always). This has forced them to find other forms of entertainment - all three of them are avid readers and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't spend hours every day reading if they had the option of screens instead.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I perhaps have the largest age gap between children on MN (1978 to 2019)

This blows my mind - you have a 42yo child and a 2yo child?

Amazing!

Was also thinking that too!!!

It’s a tough one. Because of the last year of chaos my children have been spending a lot of time of gadgets, it’s their way of communicating with the outside world. However when this ends mine will be restricted a bit. 2 hours for primary aged on a week day is plenty. Weekends are more. I try to fill our weekends with activities during the day. I also say no gadgets between 11 and 4 on a weekend but we are usually doing family stuff so they don’t notice. But this was pre-covid. Once life is back to normal we will go back to these rules

I think your limits are perfectly reasonable but then I don't own a tv and my slightly younger children are limited to an hour screen time a night (and then limited to what it is depending on the day). As a consequence there is lots of time for other things and we spend a decent amount of time together.

@Sunhoop

I always had my nose in a book as a child, but no one forced me to choose another activity because i'd been reading for too long.

But reading is good for children, screens are not so it's not the same thing at all really.

I think this is too broad a statement - 'screens' can mean so many things, one of mine uses screen time to watch classical music concerts AND game with friends, another uses their tablet to make animations and gossip with their friends..it is one of the only ways they have of socialising at the moment. There are a lot of trashy crappy books out there, so it's not true that all reading is good for children and all screens are not.

I honestly believe my kids read as much as they do because at some point they didn't have a choice - I am not saying I FORCED them to do, but we only took so many toys on holidays, didn't allow tv or tablets or similar at all, so .. they naturally started to read books and magazines.
I have to disagree - my children all love reading AND playing computer games / using screens.
I don’t think it has to be one or the other. They have overflowing bookcases.

Mine read books because they love stories and getting lost in the world of a book - the same thing that they enjoy about computer games!