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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I too controlling with DCs free time?

309 replies

IheartSundays · 07/03/2021 07:58

Am I being unrealistic (or too controlling) about what DC do in their free time? Eg on school days we have one video game day where we set the console up, have snacks, and they play until dinner time - whereas the 11 year old friends are allowed to play every day. I have verified this with the friends parents - who accept that whilst not ideal it's just modern life.

Likewise with TV it's not on all the time/whenever they like. DC were telling me at their dads it's great they get the remote control when they want and don't need permission which made me to wince to be honest and question just how controlling I am being.

OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 07/03/2021 09:20

@goodbyelenin

Introducing other things and keeping them busy outside of gaming is very different to just point blank banning games 5 days a week, though.

it teaches them to occupy themselves and find something else to do.
And it give them a much needed break during the week too. I can't see any benefit whatsoever in allowing my kids to be reliant on screen at all time.

Allowing half an hour on a console everyday is no different from allowing three hours once a week, though.

It just seems like it's having restrictions for the sake of it. Half an hour of gaming a day isn't going to stop them from doing anything else.

HandMini · 07/03/2021 09:20

@Ellpellwood - I see that. I’ve seen my parent friends take a v different approach with screen time for only children during lockdown and that’s understandable and their call.

DarcyLewis · 07/03/2021 09:22

On a school day, so long as mine have had a snack, done their homework/reading/music practice etc. they can do as much screen based entertainment as they choose. In normal times there are clubs in the evenings and they can play out with their friends but obviously not at the moment.

peak2021 · 07/03/2021 09:24

I think that the premise of limited screen/gaming time is to be applauded. DC may of course be telling you an exaggeration or lie about time as their dad's.

DarcyLewis · 07/03/2021 09:24

During lockdown they’ve had no school, no clubs, no playing with friends so any screen limits have gone out the window!

goodbyelenin · 07/03/2021 09:25

It just seems like it's having restrictions for the sake of it. Half an hour of gaming a day isn't going to stop them from doing anything else.

actually, it's not great - you turn the focus towards gaming again, and that half an hour instead of removing it entirely.

Some adults are unable to stay away from their phone and social media for as little as an hour at a time. They even check them when watching movies or being with friends!

Having a "no video game" rule during the week make is easier to follow, remove any argument and let us all get on with our lives. Even if of course we had a few "It's not faiiiiiir EVERYBODY is allowed playstation/ tv in their bedroom etc..". No, it's not fair. Grin

Namechangegame123 · 07/03/2021 09:26

I do think you're being very restrictive.

If they were back at school my 12 to would only be allowed on his xbox after dinner. By the time he gets home from school and does any homework it's time for dinner anyway. We are NI and we have no date for his school year returning to f2f teaching yet. Being able to play with his school friends on the xbox has maintained his friendships and sanity over the last few months. He probably goes on it a bit more while we are in lockdown but I'm still careful that he's do g his chores, joining in in family movie nights and running around outside lots (weather permitting).

My 4 and nearly 6 year olds are allowed on their ipads to play educational games during the day, and I don't mind if they watch a movie once homeschooling is finished for the day. They love being outside and playing with their other toys too and 4/5 times will play in the garden in preference to gaming. They can play ipad games after dinner but often choose not to. I think it's all about balance and looking at the bigger picture.
We can't let the kids become screen addicted but they are going through stressful and challenging times in their own way, and there's very limited ways they can socialise at the moment.

Airyfairymarybeary · 07/03/2021 09:27

You need to let them decide what they do in their free time- it’s not your decision to make.
By all means have some rules in place- sit down and discuss rules with them to come up with some together.

namechange2547 · 07/03/2021 09:28

I do think it's important to differentiate between games. I let my son play Fortnite and oh my goodness it changed him, it was addictive, all he could talk about and he just wanted to always be on it. We had to have long bans to get him to readjust and realise he wouldn't be allowed to play it if he didn't have a rational approach to it, it was never that way with Minecraft.

Interestingly, I relented a lot more over winter and he's actually lost interest in Fortnite now, so I definitely think there's something to be said about allowing children to self-regulate to a degree. My grandmother was an absolute stickler for healthy eating, was very regimented with sweet treats, all 4 of her children grew up to spend their adulthood battling with their weight, my mum said as soon as she could earn money she would go to Thornton's and eat a bag of chocolate everyday on the bus home just because she could. I was raised with a lot more "access" and self regulation and my brother and I have never been overweight. That said, we'd never have been allowed to go to the cupboards and eat whatever was in the cupboard, it was one pack of crisps a day and one bar of choc. So as with everything in life, a balance, some restrictions with some self regulation!

goodbyelenin · 07/03/2021 09:29

You need to let them decide what they do in their free time- it’s not your decision to make.

good grief, as a parent it's absolutely your decision to make! That's literally your job!

sunflowersandbuttercups · 07/03/2021 09:29

Some adults are unable to stay away from their phone and social media for as little as an hour at a time. They even check them when watching movies or being with friends!

Yep, I'm like that and my screen time was heavily controlled as a child.

My friends who had more relaxed parents don't seem to be as addicted as I am, and I fully admit it's an addiction. I feel like a lot of it is me "treating myself" in a way - I would have been told off as a child for having the TV on in the day, for example, so now I do it because I can and I know there's nobody to tell me off for it.

Similarly with drinking fizzy drinks - they were banned from the house and I bought any with my pocket money my dad would moan and criticise so it was just easier to have them out of the house. Now I have them all the time - again because "I can" and there's nobody to tell me otherwise. I'm 32 now and I still get moaned at when I order a diet coke with a meal in a restaurant Grin

MagdasMadHouse · 07/03/2021 09:31

I didn't have to think about restrictions before covid, we were busy a lot so just ended up having maybe 30mins to do screen time on a week night max, and they were allowed them unlimited on weekends, but we would basically be out most of the time so it was only a couple of hours max on weekends. Since covid times, all our lives are much more screen orientated though so I haven't made many restrictions

AaronPurr · 07/03/2021 09:33

@goodbyelenin

You need to let them decide what they do in their free time- it’s not your decision to make.

good grief, as a parent it's absolutely your decision to make! That's literally your job!

GoodbyeLenin Would you really tell a child to read or make them do an activity just because you think it's a better use of time?

I agree with the everything in moderation approach. If they only have an hour as day free time after school and around other commitments such as homework, why shouldn't they choose how to spend it?

UntamedWisteria · 07/03/2021 09:33

I think it's absolutely find to set limits OP, if they work for your family.

You are the parent and kids like to know what the boundaries are.

What other families choose to do is irrelevant.

goodbyelenin · 07/03/2021 09:33

See, that's why I don't banned video games entirely, just during the week.

I was only allowed sweets and fizz for parties, and it's an habit that stuck. Junk food is not seen as bad or as a treat, just as "party food".

goodbyelenin · 07/03/2021 09:34

Would you really tell a child to read or make them do an activity just because you think it's a better use of time?

of course!

There would be a context in there, and hopefully mine don't need to be told anything but If I felt it was needed, I absolutely would.

AaronPurr · 07/03/2021 09:35

@goodbyelenin

Would you really tell a child to read or make them do an activity just because you think it's a better use of time?

of course!

There would be a context in there, and hopefully mine don't need to be told anything but If I felt it was needed, I absolutely would.

Do you not see how controlling that is? Confused
Awarsewolf · 07/03/2021 09:37

I always find conversation about this really interesting to compare to my growing up. I had a computer in my room from about the age of 8 (roughly) - obviously no internet access because wifi wasn’t yet a thing. I used to play The Sims, Final Fantasy VII/VIII/IX, SimTower etc. for hours. I used to go round friends houses and we would play The Sims together. When I was a little older I used to play MMORPGs without supervision, great collaborative explorative fun!

I had my hobbies - I dance, football, DoE, guides etc to varying amounts, but never to any serious degree (I picked up and put them down in cycles depending on me). I spent an inordinate amount of time reading but also socialising with friends in the better weather. I watched TV as we had Cartoon Network... DBZ Card Captor Sakura Tenchi! - those were the days!

I would consider myself a totally rounded and normal person now (professionally and personally) who still enjoys tv/film/games. I can’t see how it has had a detrimental effect on my life and so am disinclined to be so strict with my children as some of you are with your children.

goodbyelenin · 07/03/2021 09:39

AaronPurr

I am not talking about my husband, I am talking about my children and me being a parent. Of course you have to be controlling.

They have no say over the time they are sent to bed either... Or so many other things.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 07/03/2021 09:40

Maybe a lot of it depends on personality. And I do suspect if it worked for your parents, you follow the same routine yourself.

We had no fizzy drinks at all in the house, not even drinks like squash - it was milk or water only, or occasionally fruit juice. No crisps, no chocolate - maybe the occasional fruit ice lolly in summer. I was never allowed McDonald's, no dessert after dinner, no occasional takeaway etc.

I'm now an adult with a mild caffeine/fizzy drink addiction who spends most of her spare time on a screen of some sort, and who eats probably far too much junk food.

Whether I'd have turned out like that anyway is up for debate but I certainly feel like watching TV/playing on screens/eating chocolate is a big treat now and I know part of me does it because I can and nobody can tell me off for it anymore.

Ellpellwood · 07/03/2021 09:40

I agree. It's a slippery slope to choosing their friends, music taste and GCSE options.

Ellpellwood · 07/03/2021 09:40

@Awarsewolf

I always find conversation about this really interesting to compare to my growing up. I had a computer in my room from about the age of 8 (roughly) - obviously no internet access because wifi wasn’t yet a thing. I used to play The Sims, Final Fantasy VII/VIII/IX, SimTower etc. for hours. I used to go round friends houses and we would play The Sims together. When I was a little older I used to play MMORPGs without supervision, great collaborative explorative fun!

I had my hobbies - I dance, football, DoE, guides etc to varying amounts, but never to any serious degree (I picked up and put them down in cycles depending on me). I spent an inordinate amount of time reading but also socialising with friends in the better weather. I watched TV as we had Cartoon Network... DBZ Card Captor Sakura Tenchi! - those were the days!

I would consider myself a totally rounded and normal person now (professionally and personally) who still enjoys tv/film/games. I can’t see how it has had a detrimental effect on my life and so am disinclined to be so strict with my children as some of you are with your children.

This is exactly my experience! I had my own Amiga 500 at 6.
Awarsewolf · 07/03/2021 09:42

@Ellpellwood yes! My first computer was an Amiga - I played Amberstar with my dad... great times Smile

CornishPastyDownUnder · 07/03/2021 09:43

Yes you're too controlling-but it comes from a place of love and concern!
It possibly leads to rebellion and problems when they are suddenly expected to manage their own schedule to ensure they balance clubs, friends, hobbies, schoolwork and eventually work and dating etc.
No-one gets it right all the time-its a learning curve but thats the point, they have to be able to learn, make mistakes-learn, grow and so on....
Hard to learn independence when its out of your hands and even free time is stage-managed.
Many worthwhile lessons can be gleaned by applying the old adage "With freedom comes responsibility".

goodbyelenin · 07/03/2021 09:44

@Ellpellwood

I agree. It's a slippery slope to choosing their friends, music taste and GCSE options.
what, to ban them from mixing with the wrong crowds?

To force them to stick with their commitments?

To push them to perform as well as they possibly can?

It's a slippery slope I am willing to take. I'd rather have kids having lots of friends and who enjoy lots of activities than stuck in front of video games. Even during the lockdown we are allowed unlimited time outside. They can blame me later.