Am I too controlling with DCs free time?

[IheartSundays]

Am I being unrealistic (or too controlling) about what DC do in their free time? Eg on school days we have one video game day where we set the console up, have snacks, and they play until dinner time - whereas the 11 year old friends are allowed to play every day. I have verified this with the friends parents - who accept that whilst not ideal it's just modern life.

Likewise with TV it's not on all the time/whenever they like. DC were telling me at their dads it's great they get the remote control when they want and don't need permission which made me to wince to be honest and question just how controlling I am being.

We do have rules but we do allow tv/gaming every day. It’s their way of relaxing and socialising.

Over lockdown it’s been more than I would like but that’s because a lot of their sporting activities are closed, and they communicate with friends via the computer games which I have encouraged as they can’t see them in real life and I wanted to make sure they kept the connections.

However we do have rules e.g. no phones/screens in bedrooms at night, no screens at dinner, chores have to be done before tv etc.

We aren't as regimented as that however the sentiment is the same, we just keep them busy so they don't have time to think about it. They help make dinner for example, they do their homework and have a read. The time goes past fast!

I don't put limits on TV, I grew up watching all the TV I wanted and I turned out alright they read before bed though.

Consoles/iPads aren't allowed on school nights, I have limits on weekends usually but have to admit I've been quite lax about that at the moment for obvious reasons.

Honestly, the issue is that what is 'typical' is not necessarily healthy. Children in the UK are particularly sedentary, and most kids, including mine, have become more so in lockdown. Similarly, we are one of the most overweight and heavy-drinking nations in Europe (and the world), so whenever someone posts about what is reasonable drinking you get a ton of people saying how they put away a bottle of wine a night (ok, and some very righteous people saying they drink a thimble a month and that any more make you a problem drinker). What's considered normal on MN isn't necessarily healthy.

I have family in Asia and Scandinavia, and screen time norms at our London state school horrify them. Friends who work in tech in the US are also far more restrictive with their own kids, despite marketing products to other peoples'.

We try to strike a balance - my eldest and a middle child are just a bit younger than yours, I have a few hours of screen time a day on the weekend, often they watch a movie one day and then have a big Minecraft session the other, and then during the week they are allowed to have 2 hours of screen time (for the eldest) and 1 hour (for the middle one) at their choice, so if it's all done on Monday it's done, or they can spread it out. They can sometimes get some extra for doing something lovely, or just because I want to show them something cool or they want to share something cool - I try to make it more collaborative instead of sitting alone.

During lockdown I've had to relax a bit more to allow for work and homeschooling, and because for the eldest, gaming was a social time, but I think they've had enough of screens for a long time, and really need more time.outdoors and to play in person with others.

Interesting those who allow tv but not computer games in the week. What is different about tv that it’s allowed?
They don't get so immersed in it as they do in games, so their behaviour is not as affected.
It's not one child whining that the other one gets to play while they have to watch.
There's no whining that he played half an hour yesterday so it's not fair as today he got an hour.
They can watch something that's vaguely educational (if they can't agree on something together then I decide what they watch).

@Wandamakestoast I think TV isn't as addictive as gaming so I'm more relaxed about TV.

I have late teens/young adult nephews who are always gaming. Apparently haven't even been bothered by lockdown as it makes little difference.

At least you're allowing them some free choice. A colleague of mine has made a timetable for her 8 year old son. Pre Covid he would have an after school club every day and 4 clubs at the weekend 'whether he wanted to do them or not'. Now that was controlling!

Earlier poster makes a good point about not dismissing "screen time" and treating it all negatively. I could show more of an interest and be positive about it when they are doing it.

I think you’ve got away with it for quite a while and it won’t be long before the 11 year old particularly starts to push back against your rules.

It good that kids do other things apart from look at screens all day, but 2 hours a week seems a bit too controlling for the 11 year old at least. I think that you may need to start recognising that an 11 year old is different to a 7 year old and allowing him a bit more freedom when it comes to screen time. No screens at bedtime is a good thing, but maybe look at other areas where you could be a bit more relaxed.

We don't have any video games or consules in the house because the kids aren't interested tbh and the question re tv because I don't want to add another screen into the house. There's no need for it so it's not a matter of tv being better , it's simply we don't need to buy another device.

@Ellpellwood

Also, I hate the term "screens". It's so dismissive. Building stuff on Minecraft, playing Lego Harry Potter, reading on a Kindle, playing games on a CBBC/CBeebies app, video calling family. All of these have benefits.

Yes I agree with you. DD is currently building a Minecraft world with a group of friends and they talk to each other via a headset whilst doing it. They are collaborating, being creative, chatting, joking. To be honest I would prefer she does that than watch some of the rubbish on tv.

I think TV is less attictive than video gaming also. Not all kids are good at self-regulating.

Videos games are absolutely banned during the week here!
And very limited during the weekend.

TV is allowed, but they mine don't watch it that much (which is why it's not banned). They have a snack in front of it when they come, then get bored and go do something else.

I hate video games, they are lucky they got consoles etc, but I don't care if others spend their life on them

On a school day I let them come home and do what they like - subject to homework. They get up early, spend all day at school, and sometimes a club after. They can do what they like after that.

At weekends they're allowed on in the morning before a (usually late!) breakfast and then again later pm/evening.

I do think it's important kids can relax at home although obv too much screen time is not good.

Honestly, the issue is that what is 'typical' is not necessarily healthy. Children in the UK are particularly sedentary, and most kids, including mine, have become more so in lockdown. Similarly, we are one of the most overweight and heavy-drinking nations in Europe (and the world), so whenever someone posts about what is reasonable drinking you get a ton of people saying how they put away a bottle of wine a night (ok, and some very righteous people saying they drink a thimble a month and that any more make you a problem drinker). What's considered normal on MN isn't necessarily healthy.

This! What @OverTheRubicon said! Children need physical activity for healthy mind and body growth. Spending all day sitting and looking at screens is bad for their muscles, bones, eyesight and brains.

@IheartSundays you'd probably label my DS14 as one of those not impacted by lockdown. But the thing is that prior to lockdown him and his pals were just getting to the stage of wanting to hang out at the weekend and play football. He still loved gaming but given a choice would have been out and about, sadly lockdown has robbed him of that choice for now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that most older teens will self regulate and get other hobbies.

I think it's a good thing as long as you ease off as they get older. In summer especially children should spend more time outside!

Also if they are living over two households and they can do what they like at the second household it works out well that they have less screen time at yours.

In “normal times” my DS11 would do sports outside of the house 4 times/week. He also has some simple chores, tidying up after dinner and sorting laundry, and his homework. Other than that I generally let him do what he wants re screens. He enjoys playing with his friends online and reading about topics of interest to him. Sometimes he draws. I don’t see that “screens” are intrinsically negative, I read on a kindle, browse mumsnet, Twitter and Facebook, do online shopping etc. I’d be pretty hypocritical to limit his access to screens when he is not at an age where I would expect him to play with toys any longer.

You are doing absolutely great so please don't worry and at that age kids need structure and rules to how their free time is spend. Though there was very much a screen limit to how long I was watching something and at times even what I was allowed to watch etc I appreciate the effort from both my parents now. I think neither of my parents had much of an issue with video games and neither encouraged or discouraged it (reason that after 11 years old I bought all my own games and consoles) it was just something I did in my own limited free time for an hour or two.

Reading as a sole activity isn't especially great for children (and I say this as someone who also always had their head in a book as a child) - it's sedentary, solitary and doesn't involve any fine motor skills. It's great as part of a range of things to do but not all day every day.

Exactly. It's far too simplistic to say reading is good and screens are bad. Being sat reading a book for hours on end isn't great, but not many would stop their child from doing it. Screens can be a fantastic tool for socalising with friends, a creative outlet and encourage children to read and problem solve.

before the 11 year old particularly starts to push back against your rules.

Yes I think that's what I am seeing the beginnings off so hopefully can adjust.

It's funny that what is meant as fun sounds like rigid rules...

The week night gaming came from end of school hols and kids having a little grumble about back to school meaning less time for things like video games. So I said why don't we pick a night and make it video game night...Set it up when we get home from school and have snacky dinner that day.

So what was great for a while for DC1 is now perceived as restrictive. Hence me rethinking.

Interesting those who allow tv but not computer games in the week. What is different about tv that it’s allowed?

My kids are pretty good at regulating TV, they will watch something then go find a related toy and go play with that. Probably partially because it's not limited they won't feel pressure to watch it, they know they can go away and come back to it. Also I LOVE tv, I'd be a complete hypocrite if I banned it when it's what I do! Both kids pretty active (and underweight to my frustration) so not worried about activity levels.

They get much more sucked in by gaming and if I gave them free reign they would spend all day on it, if they game for too long it changes their personality, they snip at each other more, so it's banned in the week and limited on weekends. Although not as stringently as this in lockdown especially in the week as it has enabled them to play with friends.

I’m surprised at so many labelling this controlling! Surely having ‘rules’ is just part of parenting? I don’t know anyone who allows their kids unlimited access to tv and iPads etc. I think I am more relaxed than most I know, but I still have controls. On a usual school night I allow an hour of TV or iPad before dinner. iPad in normal times just twice a week, Mostly because there is only so much minecraft chat that I can take.

Mine are 14 and 16 and, whether deemed controlling or not, I somewhat limit time playing video games, watching YouTube or whatever. I also appreciate that many of their friends don't have the same restrictions and are allowed to be online for most of the day.

I don't particularly have a rigid time restriction other than trying to get them to do other activities first, whether homework, sport, cooking or whatever. If my younger son has been playing video games for around two hours at the weekend, I ask him to come off and do something different for a while. My older son tends to spend his evenings doing that which I don't have a problem with, provided he gets to bed at a decent time.

I'm more generous on watching tv in the evenings/weekends as that tends to be a more sociable family activity. My younger son gravitates to his iPad and phone wherever possible so I do notice, if he's on a tech ban for being naughty, he gets stuck into games, reading, art or whatever.

Inevitably I think we're a product of our upbringing. My husband thinks I'm mad as my family always did chores first thing so it feels wrong to watch tv in the morning. He loves nothing more than to have a lie in, breakfast then "time to let his breakfast go down" in front of the tv. He often starts a job in the evening at which point I'm lazing in front of the tv.

That's fine OP, it's not good for children to be in front of a screen all day.

The only kids I know who have unlimited gaming time are really badly behaved.