Am I too controlling with DCs free time?

[IheartSundays]

Am I being unrealistic (or too controlling) about what DC do in their free time? Eg on school days we have one video game day where we set the console up, have snacks, and they play until dinner time - whereas the 11 year old friends are allowed to play every day. I have verified this with the friends parents - who accept that whilst not ideal it's just modern life.

Likewise with TV it's not on all the time/whenever they like. DC were telling me at their dads it's great they get the remote control when they want and don't need permission which made me to wince to be honest and question just how controlling I am being.

I'd harness their interest in computing.
Get them Lego mindstrom kits, encourage them to code. I've got 3DC who have degrees in Nursing, English Lit and Computer Engineering and I know who has (by far) the easiest life and the most income.
Tech is the way forward.

Following with interest. Mine are 8 and 5. I am definitely controlling I'm afraid but the older one will literally doing nothing once in from playing outside bar TV if we left it on all the tíme plus they want different things so we have definite 2+2 programmes. Ipad time Fri-Sun. Tbh I am looking forward to the time I can relax completely. I also watched TV a lot as a child but was active and also enjoyed reading, drawing etc. My younger child has little no interest so no resistance there but eldest, well I want him to be able to entertain himself without a screen for some bit of time. For the pp who asked the difference, gaming, I pads are more addictive as they are interactive. I have seen massive tantrums, rows with parents and siblings in other homes purely because of x box etc and an almost depressed little neighbour when fortnite was down for a weekend.. He was calling to houses to let the know.. That kind of stuff terrifies me tbh. Good to see more relaxed and balanced views!!

Good idea Serin re coding.

I allow 1 hour screen (not tv, but computer/ tablets/ wii / switch etc) a day, and have to be off at 7pm regardless of if they've used their hour. This is relaxed on weekends / holidays, when they can "earn" more time. (Last holiday there was a list of jobs with screen times attached, like "hover the stairs = 10 minutes" "pair up clean socks = 2 minutes per pair")

@Awarsewolf
I might be wrong about this but I think the video games of say 25-30 years were quite different to today. The graphics and sound and animation weren’t so all consuming and demanding. The screens you played on were smaller.

If the old games, Mentally and stimulation wise, were the equivalent of watching a few relaaxing cartoons after school, Today’s games, certainly on the the PS5/newest Xbox, are the equivalent to watching a Super HD explosion packed Marvel movie.

I’m not anti game consoles - ive owned a few myself even as an adult, but I am anti kids playing them more than, say, an hour max each day. I just don’t think it’s a healthy hobby for young people mental health and brain development wise.

*what, to ban them from mixing with the wrong crowds?

To force them to stick with their commitments?

To push them to perform as well as they possibly can?*

So you would try and make them do the GCSE subjects you wanted them to do? What about A-Levels? Degree? Wow.

We're actually having a no screen day today here because ds seems to just go from docile in front of a screen to causing bother with his brother when it's off so he needs to have some time to just be, and to be able to do that. Like I need to leave my phone along or off sometimes. Other child like I say not bothered or interested.

Basically it’s not gaming perse, rather the type of games and the nature of the experience in 2021 that concerns me. Unfortunately those types of games and experiences are where the big money lies.

YANBU. During non covid times, the dc have no time for games or tv during the week. They have playdates, clubs, music practice, homework, they might help with making dinner etc. They usually have an hour screen time on the weekend. During covid..... they are glued to their laptops for homeschooling most of the day and get up to an hour fun screen time after they finish their work. It affects their behaviour very obviously and they become hyper and a bit unmanageable after a day spent online. Can't wait to have them back at school tomorrow.

My ds is 9. When it is school he has to do his homework and have dinner first before gaming or TV. But we don't allow him on screens after 5pm. If he takes too long doing his homework etc and it hits 5pm then no screen! This 5pm rule is throughout the week. He has adhd and autism so sleep is very important!

At weekends we are slightly more relaxed. But we make sure we get out and walk the dog etc!

Our job as parents is to police! And it doesn’t have to be “just modern life”. My teens (16, 14, 13) have all told me to continue to make a point of restricting screen time for their younger siblings so that they do actually DO other things. They all say it’s supportive as self-regulation when young is very difficult. I wouldn’t expect children with unlimited access to chocolate cake to choose salad, it’s exactly the same with devices and screens.
For us, we don’t have devices during week at primary age, and only some TV in early evenings. Weekends the children can do anything but outdoors activities are frequent - we kayak, Rock Climb, geocache etc. (My teens get unlimited with their father, they’ve seen first hand how it affects them.)

We have another neighbour who has basically been indoors on his Xbox since March and has been on a lot of weight, the way he moves has changed because of it. Self regulation doesn't always work! I came home one night at 10pm and I could see the flashing lights in his room.. It's too much imo.

@goodbyelenin

AaronPurr

I am not talking about my husband, I am talking about my children and me being a parent. Of course you have to be controlling.

They have no say over the time they are sent to bed either... Or so many other things.

Having a set bedtime is a sensible parenting choice. A parent doesn't need to be controlling, they need to enforce rules and boundaries and encourage sensible choices. Forcing a child to read or do an activity you percieve as worthwhile in their freetime, even if they hate it is controlling.

Before lockdown I had started taking eldest and a friend to a coding club which was great. Afterwards they continued in a cafe over lunch (and i would discreetly sit at a different table!!) I hope that starts up again.

I just chatted to him over breakfast about whether we should rethink things a bit. He said that for some stuff like Minecraft he likes a really long session to get properly into it. I left it that he could have a think and I was up for a chat about it.

Having a set bedtime is a sensible parenting choice. A parent doesn't need to be controlling, they need to enforce rules and boundaries and encourage sensible choices. Forcing a child to read or do an activity you percieve as worthwhile in their freetime, even if they hate it is controlling.

they are literally the same thing...

they are literally the same thing...

Dictating what a child does in their freetime because you don't approve of the activity they would like to do, isn't the same as having a set bedtime.

DC age 9 would spend all free time playing screen games if he could.

His free time screen time (TV/games) is limited to 1 hour during the week and after dinner at the weekend. He has to have been outside and to have done any homework/practice before screen.

He ends up playing a lot with Lego & reading - still relatively sedentary but he's using his mind in different ways. His friends get unlimited access to TV/games and their parents moan about how they won't go out.

I just chatted to him over breakfast about whether we should rethink things a bit. He said that for some stuff like Minecraft he likes a really long session to get properly into it. I left it that he could have a think and I was up for a chat about it.

@IheartSundays I think that this was a fantastic response to him. I have older teens now, 18 and 15 and gaming is something they talk to with their friends or connect with their friends online.

We have always done negotiations over screen time. In primary they had 2 no tech days but were allowed to direct their own activities which included chess, board games, card games, lego etc.

As they hit primary school then there was more screen time some of which was gaming, some of which was watching things with us on science. We like edutainment videos, so learning something but in a fun way. YouTube is full of great content (Tom Scott, CGP Grey) and we all watched together and then talked about it.

Ds2 still loves creating stuff in Minecraft and has learned a great deal from it. Both sons are outstanding students in regard to attitude to learning in school and their effort grades. Because of this I am probably lenient when it comes to screen time restrictions.

hit secondary school not primary

@Ellpellwood

*what, to ban them from mixing with the wrong crowds?

To force them to stick with their commitments?

To push them to perform as well as they possibly can?*

So you would try and make them do the GCSE subjects you wanted them to do? What about A-Levels? Degree? Wow.

what wow? no need to exaggerate and twist my words either.

You make it sound like we are awful parents. My kids are nearly spoilt. They have an unlimited budget for books, sports, hobbies, clubs, days out, parties. If they want some electronic set, science, lego, dress up kit .. they pretty much get it straight away.
They are clearly always more than happy with their Christmas, birthdays and life in general.

So yes, they HAVE to do at least 2 sports and 1 musical instrument - they chose. They have all chosen a lot more than that funnily enough.

They HAVE to perform in GCSE, A-Levels and will have to chose something later.

Don't make me a bad parent because I don't allow them to waste their life with stupid games, which they are allowed to play with anyway, but within strict boundaries. They wanted a PS5 for Christmas, they got a PS5. It doesn't mean I should made feel bad because they are not allowed to spend ridiculous amount of time on it.

Kids need rules, and it is not doing them any favour to give them free reign on everything. They need to learn to work for rewards too.

Still didn't answer my question though.

@AaronPurr

they are literally the same thing...

Dictating what a child does in their freetime because you don't approve of the activity they would like to do, isn't the same as having a set bedtime.

Don't be an hypocrite

and don't pretend you'll happily pay for something or somewhere for your kids to go even if you disapprove.

You just have different choices, but if you are honest, you won't let your kids do what you disapprove.

Don't be an hypocrite, and don't pretend you'll happily pay for something or somewhere for your kids to go even if you disapprove.

How am I being a hypocrite? Why would I not approve of the activites a child might want to do? Their interests may be different from mine. There's no point forcing a child to read in their freetime, or go to a dance class if they hate those activities. It seems odd to control a child's freetime in this way.

YANBU

It's a good habit not to constantly be on their screens - screen time is very easy and enjoyable so if they're always allowed access it can set them up for a habit of instant gratification, short attention spans, and lack of imagination.

I know my DS would always choose screen time if it was one of the options. Without it he's "forced" to come up with more active and imaginative play. I think that's a good thing.

I've read the whole thread and am very confused that so many posters want their children to not play on screens because they want them to be more imaginative or creative. Do these posters not understand that many games such as minecraft and the sims for example offer way more options for creativity than reading a book or followimg instructions to build a lego set??