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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not help out with money?

221 replies

TroublesomeTrucks · 06/03/2021 14:13

As background, DH and I have separate finances, I know MN don't tend to like it but he's been stung in previous relationships but is also terrible with money and so has a poor credit score. Keeping things separate suits him and suits me because I keep my credit rating and have a rainy day fund to bail us out as a family when needed and we both know our individual financial responsibilities. We earn similar amounts.

The issue now is that, because he's self employed, he has his tax bill for the year. It is more than he expected and he's really worried about paying it. He has put nothing aside over the last year and has also spent the whole of a modest inheritance. (We both have kept working during the pandemic.) Over the last 5 years he has also slightly changed his job with no planning or discussion with me to one that is significantly lower paying and has gradually reduced the number of days he works to one a week, again with no input from me. I have increased my hours and my contribution to the mortgage but it is not enough to offset the drop in his earnings, hence the problem with the tax bill. He probably earns the same as me doing one day a week as I do working full time.

We have recently started building an extension, which I am paying for alone, but now seems the height of foolishness given the issue with his income. Had we not done it, I could pay his tax bill from my savings with plenty to spare but now I can't. I don't have access to his financial information so I didn't know how bad it was, but he was aware of the planned building work and agreed we'd go ahead.

I could help out with the tax bill, but I don't feel it's my responsibility. He choses to work one day a week, and knows his financial obligations. He could easily increase his work as his job is in short supply. He also has a vanity car (plus another car for regular use) he can sell to cover the majority of the bill.

Obviously if it comes down to us potentially losing the house or having bailiffs round, I will pay up, but I don't want him to think he can be this financially irresponsible and I'll just bail him out when this situation is entirely by his choice. He is very very worried though.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Porridgeoat · 06/03/2021 20:48

Enjoy your drink!

Personally I wouldn’t rescue him, instead I’d leave him to find his own solution. If he asks suggest he contacts the inland revenue and spreads his payments. Then leave him to sort it out and don’t interfere

If you rescue him this once, you will end up rescuing him every time a bill is due. This will be disempowering for you and him and will feed the issue long term, making it worse.

He has very simple solutions at his fingertips. If anything just state the problem and ask him what he plans to do to resolve things. Put the emphasis on him making his own plans. You’re paying your part.

Paying would be enabling bigger issues

PussInBin20 · 06/03/2021 21:30

I can understand if you want separate finances but I can’t understand that you don’t discuss financial matters that affect the family. Have you not discussed throughout the year at any point about the tax money? Did you not discuss him dropping his working hours before he did so?
This all seems a bit strange to me as you are a partnership/team and have to work together - this is why you have ended up with this situation.

Yes he is mostly to blame but you can’t just sit back and say it’s all his problem now - you can’t have one person in the partnership loaded with money and the other on the bones of his arse. Communication is key especially if you know he is crap with money.

S00perSundae · 06/03/2021 21:45

He works one day a week & can't be xxxxxx to sort out his tax bill, which must have had a fine added & extra daily late payment charges

How frustrating

Bythemillpond · 06/03/2021 22:55

Anyone else wondering where he spends all this money that should have been saved for the tax man?

altiara · 06/03/2021 23:31

If he owes that much money and can’t be bothered to put money aside throughout the year for his tax bill, then it’s simple - he sells one of his cars.

He can then choose to work more and buy a second car again.

RandomMess · 07/03/2021 00:08

@Bythemillpond I suspect as he's earned less he hasn't actually reduced his expenditure so now instead of there being a chunk of cash in his current account there is nada so there is more of a crises as to how he can pay it.

Bythemillpond · 07/03/2021 07:18

It sounds like there was never a chunk of cash in his current account given he does this every year.

Even paying the household bills and 2/3rds of the mortgage and food shopping that is a lot of money to get through

I think he sees himself as a very high earner and spends accordingly but forgets he no longer works 4 days out of 5

S00perSundae · 07/03/2021 10:02

His attitude stinks !

CaptSkippy · 07/03/2021 10:39

OP, apart from the financial situation how are the house hold tasks divided? Who cleans what? Who cooks what? Who makes sure the kids get to school, their hobbies and doctor's appointments? Who does the grocery shopping?

If your husband is contributing very little financially and doesn't work a whole lot, does he compensate by taking care of the bulk of the household managing tasks?

NotSorry · 07/03/2021 10:49

@CaptSkippy

OP answered that earlier in the thread

Lemmeout · 07/03/2021 11:02

1day a week by choice ... does that not cause resentment for all the financial burden he is putting your way?
Do not pay it.
You are taking responsibility for him and you.
He is taking responsibility for himself. That is not ok.

CaptSkippy · 07/03/2021 11:07

@NotSorry

I must have missed that.

Original poster

TroublesomeTrucks · 07/03/2021 13:33

@Bythemillpond

It sounds like there was never a chunk of cash in his current account given he does this every year.

Even paying the household bills and 2/3rds of the mortgage and food shopping that is a lot of money to get through

I think he sees himself as a very high earner and spends accordingly but forgets he no longer works 4 days out of 5

Absolutely yes to all of this.

OP posts:

Original poster

TroublesomeTrucks · 07/03/2021 13:34

@Bythemillpond

Anyone else wondering where he spends all this money that should have been saved for the tax man?

The previous year's tax bill!!!!!

OP posts:

okokok000 · 07/03/2021 14:17

Sorry op I don't buy the fact that the lack of money is due to the previous years tax bill. The fact is that at some point whether this year, or years prior he has spent money he was fully aware ought to be earmarked and set aside for tax. I can see how once he did that it was a slippery slope unless he tightened his belt and cut back on luxuries like his car.

My husband has been self employed for over 20 years. He's never once struggled to pay his tax bill as he has been sensible throughout the year let alone a suggested / indicates he needs help.

Maverick66 · 07/03/2021 15:01

He needs to grow up and accept his responsibilities.
The tax bill was always going to come.
It comes same time every year.
It is up to him to either get his accountant to contact HMRC or contact them directly himself.
You are contributing enough and as long as he knows you will bail him out it will happen again.

Runnerduck34 · 07/03/2021 15:59

Usually as a married couple you should pull together for something like this, However it seems you are quite separate when it comes to money.
If he has two cars he can sell one, if he is self employed, only works one day a week but can easily up his days then he should do so.
He needs to phone HMRC and agree a payment plan.
Personally I think as a couple you need to be more transparent about finances and pool resources in future, you are paying solely for the extension but he will benefit from it including any increase in house price that results from it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/03/2021 16:23

[quote TroublesomeTrucks]@partyatthepalace it has happened every year we have been together. The bill has always been paid but this is there first time I have been in a position to help. I hate the stress of it but it doesn't change no matter how much advice I give, which is why I've disengaged - although I feel mean for it. I also hate the stress, but I can't physically force him to sort it, so my approach is to leave him to it and keep enough savings as an emergency fund, so I know it can be sorted, even if he doesn't.[/quote]
Every year? He puts himself through this EVERY year? Wow. That's a special level of masochism right there.

You're doing the right thing OP. He has to deal with this himself.

RandomMess · 07/03/2021 17:16

So how exactly has he paid it in previous years? Does he have payment plans every year/take out a loan???

Seems clear he needs to up his working days to at least 2 per week and then save 50% of his salary to actually get on top of the issue so in future he can work less and save as he goes.

My mind is utterly boggled that he chooses to live like this!

Original poster

TroublesomeTrucks · 10/03/2021 19:25

To update, we've had a chat and I've discussed options with him. I've offered my opinion, gently for now, but not offered any money. He's come home after his strenuous single day at work having asked about the possibility of increasing it. If he can't work at the same place, the next step will be approaching alternatives - some of which he's worked at before. Fingers crossed!

OP posts:

GreenBalaclava · 10/03/2021 19:29

Sounds good OP

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