AIBU to not help out with money?

[TroublesomeTrucks]

As background, DH and I have separate finances, I know MN don't tend to like it but he's been stung in previous relationships but is also terrible with money and so has a poor credit score. Keeping things separate suits him and suits me because I keep my credit rating and have a rainy day fund to bail us out as a family when needed and we both know our individual financial responsibilities. We earn similar amounts.

The issue now is that, because he's self employed, he has his tax bill for the year. It is more than he expected and he's really worried about paying it. He has put nothing aside over the last year and has also spent the whole of a modest inheritance. (We both have kept working during the pandemic.) Over the last 5 years he has also slightly changed his job with no planning or discussion with me to one that is significantly lower paying and has gradually reduced the number of days he works to one a week, again with no input from me. I have increased my hours and my contribution to the mortgage but it is not enough to offset the drop in his earnings, hence the problem with the tax bill. He probably earns the same as me doing one day a week as I do working full time.

We have recently started building an extension, which I am paying for alone, but now seems the height of foolishness given the issue with his income. Had we not done it, I could pay his tax bill from my savings with plenty to spare but now I can't. I don't have access to his financial information so I didn't know how bad it was, but he was aware of the planned building work and agreed we'd go ahead.

I could help out with the tax bill, but I don't feel it's my responsibility. He choses to work one day a week, and knows his financial obligations. He could easily increase his work as his job is in short supply. He also has a vanity car (plus another car for regular use) he can sell to cover the majority of the bill.

Obviously if it comes down to us potentially losing the house or having bailiffs round, I will pay up, but I don't want him to think he can be this financially irresponsible and I'll just bail him out when this situation is entirely by his choice. He is very very worried though.

AIBU?

@saraclara thank you. I agree with you.

@InescapableDeath Yes

Ok, I stand corrected. And he did put in a substantial deposit on the house. So I get you feel things are fairly even keeled between you, and you love him and generally he’s a good partner. Fair enough.

So yes, YANBU.

He pays for all family expenditure bar a couple of bills, I pay my own way; car/petrol/phone/personal expenses plus a third of the mortgage and renovation costs

He obviously doesn’t otherwise he would have money for HMRC

I think it is the boiled frog analogy. I got the impression initially that he paid for all household expenses and you paid for the renovation and work on the house. But then over 5 years he has reduced his work and you have upped yours and are now paying for a third of the mortgage and a couple of household bills and I think he is expecting you to step in and pay his tax bill.

But he won’t ask you directly.

Also aren’t your car and phone part of household expenses?

We as a family have been out of work since the start of this pandemic (Dh hasn’t been able to work because of a physical illness and I have my own issues and am seeing a MH specialist) and without any specialised knowledge or career I have been paying 100% of household bills as well all personal expenses for not just myself but Dh and dc (although they have been helping out when they have work but it has been patchy).
No one has had a regular income for a year.
I don’t think it is a huge amount to keep a house running. I think if you know he is shit with money then putting him in charge of paying the mortgage and household bills is the last thing you should do.
He needs to be in charge of nothing and pay you to pay all the bills so he knows how much he needs to earn each week to keep everything on track and if he doesn’t want to earn it then his vanity car needs to go to pay for his share of the bills

Of course he has anxiety. He has a tax Bill he hasn’t put anything away to pay and he doesn’t know if his wife is going to stump up for it.
This type of self induced anxiety has been going on for years.
He is living month to month wondering when you are going to cotton on to what he is doing.

He is living month to month wondering when you are going to cotton on to what he is doing.

I have cottoned on, which is why I've not bailed him out before.

Irrespective of what his earning have done, our household expenses have stayed the same and my salary has tripled, so its only fair I put in more.

I am appalled by anyone finding the tax bill a "surprise" completely no excuse. There's no surprise it is an entirely predictable expense.

@B33Fr33 Its not a surprise, he just hasn't made plans for paying it. Which perhaps is worse...

No. Do not bail him out. The whole point of separate finances is surely to protect you both from this kind of thing? You said he'd been burned in the past. Would he do the same for you?

[quote TroublesomeTrucks]@raincamepouringdown because while he has wilfully reduced his income, my salary has tripled since we've been together, so it does seem fair to increase my contribution.[/quote]
But he has made his contribution less because he has worked less!

He should pay 50% in to the bills account, same as you, this should cover all bills, food and mortgage

Why should you stump up more 🤔 while he works less?

@YukoandHiro Yes, he would if he could. I couldn't imagine him being able to though. And I would never end up in the same situation.

Much better @BruntOn

@Outbutnotoutout because I would do the same if he was still earning what he did before.

No YANBU.

I speak from being in a similar position to you (I am full time employed, he is self employed) - we keep our finances separate, otherwise my earnings from work would end up going back into his business.

He needs to go back to working full time, it's not fair for you to carry this financial load.

Op, I get this. My partner is similar. If an unexpected bill comes up it’s always on me.

So, this is what I do. He pays me half of the bills & then an extra £50-£100 per month which I save. Then if he needs cash quickly I give it to him. My OH is just crap with money. Couldn’t save money to save his life

But don’t pay the bill. You’ll find yourself paying it next year too as he won’t have to struggle to pay it. He will expect it again

Don't bail him out from the tax.

You're already bailing him out for the mortgage - it's not as if you both agreed a career break for him to write his novel. Ok the whole family benefits from this, but even so it wasn't done with mutual consent and eyes wide open.

If you're concerned about his mental health and want to do something to help - sit him down and talk through his options. Get him to come up with those options and don't offer your resources. At this rate yours will be the only income coming into the family.

@DPotter Without wanting to be accused of making excuses for him, I'm not bailing him out on the mortgage - my basic salary has tripled, so even if he were earning the same as before, I would expect to contribute more.

But you're contributing a huge chunk of your time income and he's contributing a tiny chunk.

Is he deliberately working as few hours as he can so he can earn the same as you?

I knew he'd have mental health problems. Women have mental health problems and still pick up the shit. Men have them and retire to the attic for their difficult first novel

[quote TroublesomeTrucks]@DPotter Without wanting to be accused of making excuses for him, I'm not bailing him out on the mortgage - my basic salary has tripled, so even if he were earning the same as before, I would expect to contribute more.[/quote]
Why though?

If your finances are separate then surely you pay in 50/50‽ Regardless of how much you both earn

This set up doesnt make sense

I wouldn't I am afraid. My husband is SE - he puts money away every month to deal with it. We have separate finances, never seen it as an issue. We both contribute to everything but because he had debt before I met him (all gone and his lesson learnt) I like to keep my finances separate. I worked as a debt advisor during my law studies and many people learn from bitter experience having joint everything doesn't always work out for the best!

I wouldn't be helping him because he absolutely knew this tax Bill would turn up and should have been saving monthly for it. He has a fun car he can sell or he could work more to pull the money in.

Basically he's an adult and needs to take responsibility for his poor decisions/actions.

@Outbutnotoutout Our finances are separate but that doesn't mean we're 50/50. I earned a lot less at the start of our relationship so I contributed a lot less, obviously this has gone up as my earnings have increased.

@RandomMess yes

Are you 50/50 Joint tenants?

And why would he ask for money when you keep volunteering it?

@An0n0n0n I have never volunteered money and he has never asked for it.