AIBU to not help out with money?

[TroublesomeTrucks]

As background, DH and I have separate finances, I know MN don't tend to like it but he's been stung in previous relationships but is also terrible with money and so has a poor credit score. Keeping things separate suits him and suits me because I keep my credit rating and have a rainy day fund to bail us out as a family when needed and we both know our individual financial responsibilities. We earn similar amounts.

The issue now is that, because he's self employed, he has his tax bill for the year. It is more than he expected and he's really worried about paying it. He has put nothing aside over the last year and has also spent the whole of a modest inheritance. (We both have kept working during the pandemic.) Over the last 5 years he has also slightly changed his job with no planning or discussion with me to one that is significantly lower paying and has gradually reduced the number of days he works to one a week, again with no input from me. I have increased my hours and my contribution to the mortgage but it is not enough to offset the drop in his earnings, hence the problem with the tax bill. He probably earns the same as me doing one day a week as I do working full time.

We have recently started building an extension, which I am paying for alone, but now seems the height of foolishness given the issue with his income. Had we not done it, I could pay his tax bill from my savings with plenty to spare but now I can't. I don't have access to his financial information so I didn't know how bad it was, but he was aware of the planned building work and agreed we'd go ahead.

I could help out with the tax bill, but I don't feel it's my responsibility. He choses to work one day a week, and knows his financial obligations. He could easily increase his work as his job is in short supply. He also has a vanity car (plus another car for regular use) he can sell to cover the majority of the bill.

Obviously if it comes down to us potentially losing the house or having bailiffs round, I will pay up, but I don't want him to think he can be this financially irresponsible and I'll just bail him out when this situation is entirely by his choice. He is very very worried though.

AIBU?

You seem to be making excuses for him OP, so just bail him out and be done with it.

He’s probably wandering around with his hang dog expression so you feel guilty and it’s having the desired effect. So, just bail him out, then start putting money away to pay it for him again next year.

Sorry, I accidentally pressed YABU and I can’t undo it now but no, dont pay and YANBU

He should have been setting money aside, that's what we do, a big portion of our income doesn't belong to us, it belongs to the government. It's his problem, he'll have to ring and set up a payment plan and learn his lesson for next year.

"He is very very worried though."
And so he should be. He has behaved foolishly, and now he is living with the consequences of same. All he had to do was put aside some of his income as he earned it, and leave it alone.

He chose to not set income aside for the inevitable tax bill. (Death and taxes ...)
He chose to spend his modest inheritance.
He chose to reduce his working hours down to one day a week.

It's all down to choices he made.

And digging himself out of this hole-of-his-own-making is, similarly, all down to choices he has yet to make.

He has a vanity car he could sell.
He has four days a week available to him to take on paying work. Work that you say is in short supply.

What he does not have is the choice to make you pay for his multiple mistakes. (I was glad to read that you're not going to.)

As an aside, I am generally against separate finances; but not in these circumstances, where one person's fecklessness could sink the whole household. You've done absolutely the right think there.

I don't understand why he's so anxious when there's such an easy solution - he increases his work to 5 days/wk until he covers his tax bill.

You say his job's in short supply, and he earns your weekly wage in a day. How long has he got to pay the tax bill? How many days' work would it take him to pay it?

...and why has he been leaving half the homeschooling to you when he only works 1 day/wk? He's not coming across very well, is he?

What did he spend his inheritance on? One would hope it went towards the house, or even therapy, but I’d bet my last fiver it went on something that doesn’t benefit anyone but himself.

His mental health would be greatly improved by working two days a week so he wouldn’t be worrying about his tax bill.

Glad to see you’re not going to throw good money after bad. If does screw up the courage to ask you for money, tell him to sell his ‘fun’ car first. Otherwise just nod and say ‘oh dear, what are you going to do?’

Have you written about him before op?
Maybe a couple of weeks ago, sounds familiar

If you don't bail him out, are you in danger of losing the house?

@PinkiOcelot I'm really not making excuses - I want people to agree with me that I'm not being unreasonable to do nothing, but I want to offer every possible piece of mitigating information so I can be certain people are in agreement with me despite knowing everything that might be in his favour.

@Nomorepies The simple answer is because I can. He's my husband, and despite what the MN jury thinks of him, I love him. I am very angry with him for the position he's put us in but I have the power to fix it and make his worries go away. I don't want to though, I don't think it's my mess to sort.

Look, he can sort this out himself by selling the car and working a bit harder. It sounds as though the work's available and that he's choosing not to do it. (I'd love to know what he does, that he can work one day a week.)

In future he needs to put aside some money for tax out of every single payment that he receives for work. He could stick it in premium bonds and know he has it when his tax is due.

What a ridiculous situation , you don’t share finances and pay your own share but then you save and provide money for house improvements etc which he will benefit from with no input from him . Basically he’s a lazy git who thinks that you will bail him out . Great basis for a relationship .

@Guiltypleasures001 No, not in danger of losing the house. I can afford the mortgage alone if needs be. And no, I haven't posted about hime before.

He CAN afford to pay his tax bill, but only by doing things he doesn't fancy doing, like selling the vanity car or working more.

Exactly. He has options.

I do think that some posters are missing that he put £140k into the house though, while OP put in nothing. And that he pays 2/3 of the mortgage and all the household bills. He's not a complete cocklodger by any means.

But he needs to clear this debt and make a fresh start. The vanity car surely has to go? If he protests at that, then he can't be as worried as he says he is. The time to be worried is when he really has no options to pay a bill. And with his high-paying job and his spare fancy car, he is very far from that.

@AGirlCalledJohnny Inheritance went on family expenses and the house, yes,

@Floralnomad Yes, but as I said before he put in £140K deposit for the house and I put in nothing.

@saraclara he pays food, water and council tax. I pay gas, electric, internet and TV licence. He also pays meals out, holidays, childcare, all expenses for DC.

@Hallyup5

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I find it incredibly strange that you could be married to someone and not pool your finances. For richer, for poorer, and all that.

Yes you are. I do the same and it's not incredibly strange, all the married people I know all have separate finances.

One day a week ?? What does he do the rest of the week ??

@Babyroobs Writes his novel......

He has the means to get him out of the hole he is in, which you can be supportive and encouraging, not by bailing him out.

I'm glad you are not in danger of losing the house.

Why are you paying towards the mortgage when he is supposed to be paying it? On top of the renovations which you did agree to pay and are paying for?

He sounds completely irresponsible and unfair to you.

[quote TroublesomeTrucks]@saraclara he pays food, water and council tax. I pay gas, electric, internet and TV licence. He also pays meals out, holidays, childcare, all expenses for DC.[/quote]
Yep. Obviously you're contributing, but his deposit on the house, his share of the mortgage, and his household costs are much higher than yours, going by that. Especially factoring in childcare and all the expenses for the DC.

I still don't think you should bail him out, because he has to take responsibility for his own mistakes, but I'm trying to point out to others who are claiming that he's taking advantage on a day to day level, that he really isn't.

@raincamepouringdown because while he has wilfully reduced his income, my salary has tripled since we've been together, so it does seem fair to increase my contribution.

...and yes, I should have mentioned that of course you're paying for renovations. I wasn't remotely criticising you for what you contribute. Just making the point that he's not living off you, by a long way.

Oh gosh, well I'm writing a novel too but I do it around work.

He may be worried, but what he needs to do is come up with a plan and present it to you - then you can work on it as a team. It's not for you to solve all his problems and effectively let him get away with it.

He has contributed a lot over the relationship - the problem is now he's choosing only to work one day a week.