AIBU to not help out with money?

[TroublesomeTrucks]

As background, DH and I have separate finances, I know MN don't tend to like it but he's been stung in previous relationships but is also terrible with money and so has a poor credit score. Keeping things separate suits him and suits me because I keep my credit rating and have a rainy day fund to bail us out as a family when needed and we both know our individual financial responsibilities. We earn similar amounts.

The issue now is that, because he's self employed, he has his tax bill for the year. It is more than he expected and he's really worried about paying it. He has put nothing aside over the last year and has also spent the whole of a modest inheritance. (We both have kept working during the pandemic.) Over the last 5 years he has also slightly changed his job with no planning or discussion with me to one that is significantly lower paying and has gradually reduced the number of days he works to one a week, again with no input from me. I have increased my hours and my contribution to the mortgage but it is not enough to offset the drop in his earnings, hence the problem with the tax bill. He probably earns the same as me doing one day a week as I do working full time.

We have recently started building an extension, which I am paying for alone, but now seems the height of foolishness given the issue with his income. Had we not done it, I could pay his tax bill from my savings with plenty to spare but now I can't. I don't have access to his financial information so I didn't know how bad it was, but he was aware of the planned building work and agreed we'd go ahead.

I could help out with the tax bill, but I don't feel it's my responsibility. He choses to work one day a week, and knows his financial obligations. He could easily increase his work as his job is in short supply. He also has a vanity car (plus another car for regular use) he can sell to cover the majority of the bill.

Obviously if it comes down to us potentially losing the house or having bailiffs round, I will pay up, but I don't want him to think he can be this financially irresponsible and I'll just bail him out when this situation is entirely by his choice. He is very very worried though.

AIBU?

He can sell the car, up his hours and stop being a lazy freeloader.

And why on earth would you even consider paying his tax bill from your savings?

Fund*

Yanbu to not pay this but his credit rating will impact yours if you have a shared mortgage, as it will mean you are financially linked.

This is bizarre. Having separate finances is fine but unilaterally taking massive financial decisions that affect your family without even discussing it isnt really having separate finances, its having separate lives and goals. You can have separate finances and still agree who pays what, but it seems he is taking the piss, dropping down his days so much that you are paying for an extension. It seems like he is crap with money and planning (surely he should roughly have known how much tax he would pay) but if finances are separate then this shouldn't affect you. But clearly it is because you are having to pay for stuff which he should be paying for, so your finances arent separate, he is just contributing less and spending more while you are left to pick up the slack without him even asking you. I think he is using the being burnt in the past as an excuse to do the bare minimum and take you for a ride, and then when you correctly point out how unfair he is being, you will be accused of being after his money / controlling about money/ being like his ex. You need to sit down and go back to basics about who contributes what, how things are paid for, how much spending money you both have etc

@Brunt0n

I wouldn’t be married to such a selfish idiot frankly. Definitely wouldn’t have had children.

This. I can’t believe the number of horror stories women marry and then compound it all by having children.

Hang on, so he works one day and you work five and you both essentially earn the same amount. In that case why are you paying a higher proportion of the mortgage etc?

If you earn pretty much the same amount household costs should be 50/50.

The only one getting stung in this scenario OP is you.

My husband is self employed. We also have separate finances although we roughly know what each has and will transfer funds as necessary. Both our parents were like this and it works for us.

As my husband earns he puts money aside. Your husband sounds irresponsible. He needs to contact HMRC. They do not go softly and can be very aggressive re getting payment once on their radar (bankruptcy/ winding-up petition depending on whether personal or working brought a company).

You need to have a serious sit down with him Re what he is bringing in. It is completely unacceptable for him to have massively altered what he is bringing into the house without discussing it.

For context after a very difficult period with a number of life altering issues I contemplated going part time. I would never have done that without discussing with my husband. Yours has effectively done his but without discussing with you to the detriment of the household.

If you both have the same income (putting aside the fact you work more hours than him to achieve this) then why are you paying the lions share? And also sharing home schooling if he has 4 more days per week free than you?

Works one day a week? That is a luxurious position to be in. Could he support himself and his lifestyle on that income alone? I suspect not.
I know marriage is a team effort, but this is you giving and him taking. I don't know what the answer is, but I think the problem is no longer just about a tax bill.

@Brunt0n

I wouldn’t be married to such a selfish idiot frankly. Definitely wouldn’t have had children.

How very helpful 🙄

He needs to work more and spend less including selling that "vanity" car

Do not bail him out

Jesus Op you are not there to bail him out

You say you've been "sharing home schooling" hence not working more

NEWSFLASH - so have most people who haven't told their employers they can only do one day

I'd get rid he sounds like a right cock lodger

@MamaMeAh okay I’ll join the chorus saying to leave him, happier? Is that more helpful?

🙄

I almost certainly wouldn't be helping him with this but I would be reassessing how the finances are organised and laying down the law about making joint decisions about work and money.
I can understand keeping your finances separate but actually this has meant that he's been able to be really underhand about his income/tax/debts.
He's an irresponsible loser and he's letting you bear the brunt whilst also increasing the value of the home with the building work. If that doesn't stop then I'd be kicking him out.

Oh god, another one! These threads boggle the mind, yet another wiman with a complete loser of a husband, this one ticks lots of boxes:
bad credit rating
terrible with money
self employed but too lazy to work even part time let alone full
couldn't be arsed to deal with tax bill
vanity expensive car he can't afford

AND he has a wife who talks about seperate finances but is working much more and paying much more than he is! And paying to extend their house.....jesus OP what are you DOING with your life?

Sorry meant to say yanbu, but HMRC don't tend to play games. After a period of grace they will go for the jugular so he needs to take this seriously. Pull his finger out and pull his bloody weight.

I don’t know anyone who works one day a week.

What has he got to say about that when he can’t pay his tax bill?

If not for himself but for you and his kids!

He can't be joint financially when he wants to spend your money but single financially when it comes in and how he make decisions.

Jeez - he is taking the piss and you are letting him.

Gosh. Don't bail him out. He needs to work more and meet his commitments. He's treating you like a free bank.

Funny, you don't have shared finances, except when he needs your cash! What's his is his and what's yours is his, too.

Nope, wouldn't give him a bean. Tell him to ring the HMRC.

Absolutely unfair that he spends, you save, then your savings bail him out. He needs consequences so I wouldn’t be helping

To answer questions:

@Youllbeoldertoo I am working for the family by making sure we have a financial backup. He doesn't sort his money unless he's desperate.

@tulippa No, I can't really afford to but I could find some to contribute.

@Hankunamatata In fairness to him, he knows I have money but doesn't ask for it.

@Tangohead When the world is normal, he does all school drop offs and collections so he's not totally lazy.

What you're not sharing is the decisions about his under-budgeting & taking early retirement on the qt.

Yes. This entirely.

I bet you do the lion's share of cooking and cleaning too.

He does virtually all the cooking and laundry, we share cleaning but I probably do more than half.

Also, he contributes more to the day to day financial running of the house as we bought a wreck and agreed he'd pay the mortgage and I'd pay for renovations, although I now pay around a third of the mortgage.

Do not even bloody dare paying his bill. He CAN afford it, he just doesn’t want to

Quote fail, sorry.