Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

AIBU to not help out with money?

221 replies

TroublesomeTrucks · 06/03/2021 14:13

As background, DH and I have separate finances, I know MN don't tend to like it but he's been stung in previous relationships but is also terrible with money and so has a poor credit score. Keeping things separate suits him and suits me because I keep my credit rating and have a rainy day fund to bail us out as a family when needed and we both know our individual financial responsibilities. We earn similar amounts.

The issue now is that, because he's self employed, he has his tax bill for the year. It is more than he expected and he's really worried about paying it. He has put nothing aside over the last year and has also spent the whole of a modest inheritance. (We both have kept working during the pandemic.) Over the last 5 years he has also slightly changed his job with no planning or discussion with me to one that is significantly lower paying and has gradually reduced the number of days he works to one a week, again with no input from me. I have increased my hours and my contribution to the mortgage but it is not enough to offset the drop in his earnings, hence the problem with the tax bill. He probably earns the same as me doing one day a week as I do working full time.

We have recently started building an extension, which I am paying for alone, but now seems the height of foolishness given the issue with his income. Had we not done it, I could pay his tax bill from my savings with plenty to spare but now I can't. I don't have access to his financial information so I didn't know how bad it was, but he was aware of the planned building work and agreed we'd go ahead.

I could help out with the tax bill, but I don't feel it's my responsibility. He choses to work one day a week, and knows his financial obligations. He could easily increase his work as his job is in short supply. He also has a vanity car (plus another car for regular use) he can sell to cover the majority of the bill.

Obviously if it comes down to us potentially losing the house or having bailiffs round, I will pay up, but I don't want him to think he can be this financially irresponsible and I'll just bail him out when this situation is entirely by his choice. He is very very worried though.

AIBU?

OP posts:

dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 06/03/2021 15:17

Just because your finances are technically separate, you still need to be open with each other about how it is going to work and how much you have.
I thought I was going to say YABU as you have to view situation as a whole but since he is choosing to work so little, I think YANBU but that you both need to communicate better going forward.
It would be foolish to risk your joint investments (house) just to make your point but he needs to factor in his tax liability going forward and make provision for it on a monthly basis. Good luck.

Bythemillpond · 06/03/2021 15:17

If you share a mortgage then you are directly linked so his credit rating will impact yours

He might not directly ask for money but you are/have been stepping in and paying what he can’t

I could understand if he hadn’t worked through this pandemic. I think a lot of self employed people rely on that years earnings to pay off the tax bill for the previous year but if he has been working throughout then there is no excuse
I am trying to get my head round how you are expected to stump up for a house renovation over a short period of time whilst earning 20% of what he could be earning and still need to step up and pick up the slack when he chooses to squander his money and not stick to his commitments.

A serious discussion over how he is going to pay his bills going forward needs to be happen otherwise I can see you paying for all of the house renovations and when you finish that then somehow he will suddenly announce that the mortgage is behind and whilst he might not ask for any money you being you will step in and start paying that.

There is a pattern forming and I wonder in his last relationship whether the reason he was “stung” was more to do with his ex saying she wasn’t going to dig him out of a hole financially rather than her spending his money

LaurieFairyCake · 06/03/2021 15:17

What does he do the other six days of the week

Apart from clearly buy a load of shit he doesn't need ...

averythinline · 06/03/2021 15:17

you are being his free ride just for even contempating this....and feeling huilty
if he says anything about his tax bill- point to his vanity car ... stop paying more than your share of expenses and tell him to pull his finger out.. if he can do such a well paid job he can stop taking teh piss put of you

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/03/2021 15:18

@TroublesomeTrucks

I'm not his free ride. I haven't given him any money, I just feel guilty watching him being so anxious when I know I could help, but also know I shouldn't have to and really, I wouldn't need to if he pulled his finger out and stopped being a twat.

You are though. He works one day a week and you are the one who has increased financial input.

And he's a total idiot for not having his tax set aside. For that alone I'd be fucking furious. And yes, I am self employed.

Original poster

TroublesomeTrucks · 06/03/2021 15:21

I understand why people are a little incredulous at the situation, obviously its more complex in real life but I do get it. I know many people wouldn't stay in this situation but, that's fine. What I wanted to know was if IWBU to leave him to stew in his own juices to get this sorted and clearly I'm not. So I won't. He has his obligations and I have mine and I'll stick to that and leave him to sort out his own mess.

OP posts:

Sindragosan · 06/03/2021 15:22

OP, don't feel guilty. He's an adult and you're not his mother, don't infantilise him. He understands the implications of his own decisions and needs to sort himself out.

LunaHeather · 06/03/2021 15:23

@TroublesomeTrucks

But his anxiety is a nonsense if he can easily work more or sell his "fun" car.

I'm all for early retirement but not when the person just refuses to pay a bill!

HollowTalk · 06/03/2021 15:24

Surely he could pay that tax bill within a month if he worked 5 days per week?

TheSparkleJar · 06/03/2021 15:24

He's a liability, and if you start bailing him out now it will never end. Tell him you can't afford it, all your money is tied up in the extension. perhaps he'll have to try and work two days a week...

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I find it incredibly strange that you could be married to someone and not pool your finances. For richer, for poorer, and all that.

Because in her case it would be "for poorer, for bankrupt".

teawamutu · 06/03/2021 15:25

Sounds sensible to me, OP.

He's actually got several potential solutions, so what he seems to be anxious about is how to make the tax bill go away without working more, OR selling his vanity car.

In effect, you stumping up. He needs to understand that option isn't on the table.

LunaHeather · 06/03/2021 15:25

Oh, and he spent the whole of an inheritance...!

NotFabulousDarling · 06/03/2021 15:26

You're getting defensive of him because something about people's responses is hitting home but if you listen, your whole relationship is a lie built on financial manipulation.
His tax return was due months ago and they tell you at the time of sending in the return how much you owe and you can pay it straight away. The only reason the amount would be unexpected 6 weeks after the final final tax deadline is because he's got a penalty for late payment.
He chose to bury his head in the sand. While you spend your money increasing the value of this house (and therefore giving him your money unless the house is in your sole name).
You realise he's not asking for money, he's putting on a big dramatic act of how worried he is, so you'll offer to bail him out then later down the line he can turn it around and say he never asked you to do it? That's manipulative teenager 101.
He needs to grow up and understand that sorting his tax is part of running a business.

KatherineSiena · 06/03/2021 15:26

But why doesn’t he work more? Have you actually asked him? You are taking on all the mental strain of worrying about this when he could choose to work more (like most adults do) and even sell his vanity car as a quick fix. You say that he’s very worried but he doesn’t seem to be making any moves to address it. He might not have asked you directly but it seems as if he’s waiting for you to offer to fix it, as you seemingly have done before.

ArcheryAnnie · 06/03/2021 15:30

Don't enable him by bailing him out - you are doing him a favour by not helping out with money, every bit as much as you are doing yourself a favour. He really needs to get a grip, and won't if you just take all his problems away.

Original poster

TroublesomeTrucks · 06/03/2021 15:31

@NotFabulousDarling There's no lie, I've always known he was shit with money which is why our finances are separate and this tax problem is essentially his alone. I could chose to help but I'm not obligated to. Regards to increasing the value of the house, you are right in part, but he put in a deposit of £140K while I put in nothing, so it doesn't seem unreasonable to contribute now that I can afford to. And I'm not going to offer to bail him out.

@KatherineSiena This may be a drip feed, but he has significant mental health issues and work is/was a major cause. I guess that's why I feel a greater sense of obligation that I might otherwise.

OP posts:

okokok000 · 06/03/2021 15:31

@TroublesomeTrucks

Don't feel guilty. My husband puts money aside throughout the year to ensure he has money to pay his tax bill when it comes. He adopts the attitude that they money isn't there / isn't his.

It's not like your husband didn't know he would have to pay a bill, if he kept track of his earnings he would have been able to roughly estimate what the bill was likely to be. He chose to be irresponsible. If you bail him out he'll keep doing this. Let him stew and sell a car.

Chloemol · 06/03/2021 15:33

YANBU. His options are
1, sell the vanity car

Work more days

3 sort a loan in his name for him to repay

I would also be making sure he pays half of all bills moving forward, including any large purchases for the home and holidays, and if he can’t then again he works more hours or does without

Original poster

TroublesomeTrucks · 06/03/2021 15:35

@Chloemol He pays for all family expenditure bar a couple of bills, I pay my own way; car/petrol/phone/personal expenses plus a third of the mortgage and renovation costs,

OP posts:

Purplewithred · 06/03/2021 15:36

YANBU

He can sort this, he just chooses not to. He obviously isn't stupid or ignorant, so as an adult getting in this mess makes him wilfully reckless.

Sounds like he might benefit from some therapy to be honest.

Eddielzzard · 06/03/2021 15:37

Seems like things are fairly balanced in your relationship. He does his share of looking after kids, house etc. I'd just be a sounding board for him to work through this, but nothing more. If he asked for advice, I'd suggest he works an extra day a week to make up the shortfall.

I'd love to know what he does 1 day a week that is in high demand and pays so well...

Original poster

TroublesomeTrucks · 06/03/2021 15:38

@Purplewithred
Sounds like he might benefit from some therapy to be honest.

Yes. He's had a psychiatrist and a little DBT (not CBT) in the past but mental health resources are poor.

OP posts:

Bythemillpond · 06/03/2021 15:38

TroublesomeTrucks
Yes you are his free ride and you have given him money.

Your op says you have upped your hours and started to contribute to the mortgage because he can’t stick to his commitments.

Just re read the op and if more than one ex has supposedly stung him financially I wonder if he feels stung when the ex’s refused to stump up the cash to bail him out

I think a serious discussion about his commitments going forward. He needs to stick to his end of the bargain and you need to reduce your hours otherwise what is he bringing to the table
Over 5 years you have paid for the renovation of your house and started to pay for the mortgage.
Why?
If he can’t keep on top of the bills then the house will have to go and you need to find one that he can afford to run.
He is the supposedly higher earner.
Imagine what life you could have if he worked 5 days per week

CaptSkippy · 06/03/2021 15:42

@TroublesomeTrucks

His anxiety is self-induced. He messed up. Working too little, not planning for the future, blowing through an inheritance and not putting money aside. I won't be surprised he'll describe you too as "having burned him" in his next relationship.

Because that is what's going to happen. He has a long history of bad financial decisions. And make no mistake about it. His bad credit score will affect you too.

Original poster

TroublesomeTrucks · 06/03/2021 15:42

@Bythemillpond You are right to an extent, but I am currently in a training position with a high earning capacity when I finish - much higher than his previous partners and equal to his earning power. Increasing my hours gets me through the training faster so its in my interest too.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread