Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

You sound like an amazing mother!!!!!

My opinion is that people only criticise someone else’s parenting when they are either jealous, or they are just the kind of unpleasant, self centred person that likes to brag and gloat. Yuk.

Tell her to just “FUCK.OFF”

Ignore, ignore, ignore. You need to tell her that everyone parents differently and that every child is different. You know your child best. If you and your partner are happy with the sleeping arrangements, then it is not an issue. If she brings it up, "Please do not criticise my parenting. I am glad that you are happy with how you are doing things. We are happy with our way. I am not having this conversation," then change the subject.

Or do what Thorn says

You sound like an absolutely lovely mum. It also sounds like she is insecure and trying to justify her parenting choices by putting yours down.

Honestly, just ignore. I'd tell her to piss off but I know this is probably not the best advice. 'Well, it works for us.' and change the subject maybe.

And hugs for you. It's so hard but sounds like you're doing a fantastic job for your baby.

She's being a dick.
Be clear with her. Tell her you didn't ask for her advice. Tell her to stop criticising you.
Sounds like you're doing a great job.

The anxiety is not why your son is the way he is (and the way he is, is not a problem). The anxiety is making you mistrust your own very good sounding instincts and allowing your sil too much of your head space. If she is messaging you a lot, you need to stop replying and reading the messages.

Ignore it all. She can mother how she wants, doesn’t make her way right or your way wrong!

For what it’s worth I’m similar to you. My DD is 2 now but she slept in a cot side bed until she was 16 months in my room next to me, waking for regular breastfeeds in the night. I never left her to even go to Tesco until she was 7 months, and she’s still not had an overnight anywhere. She loved a contact nap (so did I!) and even now occasionally she’ll curl up on me to sleep and it’s lovely.

She’s the most independent, curious little 2 year old though. Charges off to explore things, talks to EVERYONE (poor checkout staff don’t know what’s hit them when she interrogates them when we try to do the shopping!) and isn’t ‘clingy’ in that way at all. She loves a cuddle with me don’t get me wrong but it’s not like she’s stuck to my hip bone. She’s got a strong attachment and knows I’ll be close by and it’s safe for her to explore.

Also, despite going in her own room at 16 months she still doesn’t consistently sleep through the night now anyway, it made no difference to us!

Do what works for you.

Oh I'm so sorry you've gone through this.

You sound like a lovely nurturing mum.

She sounds insecure and is making herself feel better about her choices by putting down yours.

Actually attachment parenting is meant to foster secure attachments so she's also talking out of her arse.

People are always going to parent in different ways but to criticize another parent for doing it differently is fucking rude and cruel.

Tell her that you recognise your parent differently but that her criticizing needs to stop. And distance yourself from her.

You sound like a great mum
I wanted my babies to nap in the day when I went back to work, so we practiced naps before then. The contact naps you might want to sacrifice before you return. More, better naps in the day means a later bedtime, which I wanted when I went back to work.

She’s lying and being a dickhead. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s saying these things to mask her insecurity.

I contact napped and had my son in my room til 18months, he’s bloody thriving. Because I parent like you do, responsively, on the child’s cues, so if he needs feeding, he’s fed, he’s up in the night, he’s attended to.

Keep mumming like you are because you are doing right by your child and your SIL can fuck right off.

To me, to be completely honest, it sounds like she's very insecure - perhaps deep down she feels a little bit guilty, for want of a better word, that her baby spends nights away from her and yours doesn't? You sound like you're doing a great job and the choices you make about your baby being in your room are completely up to you. I think the lack of baby groups etc is making it tricky because if you had been able to attend them, you might have met lots of mums whose babies still have a night feed at one, or several night feeds- it's probably extra intense because she's your only point of comparison. Please don't feel like a bad mum because your baby isn't a textbook sleeper - I think that you'll feel so much better when you realise that they're all different. My child is just a bit older than yours and I worried a lot about naps etc until I watched an episode of the Baby Club and there were babies there falling asleep mid-way through a song or a game, and then I realised how bonkers it was that I was beating myself up for struggling to get mine to nap! They're all different! I'm sure you won't stoop to this level, but I have heard that clever babies struggle with sleep the most so if you ever wanted a good comeback...

She sounds very insecure to me.

Let her parent in the way she wants. You're doing just great. Please don't second guess yourself. Your ds will have a secure attachment, which will make him less clingy and more confident in the longer term. Go with your instincts. I did, and I don't regret it.

She's being a dick, and I bet you anything her baby isn't a perfect constantly happy never-crying 12-month-old either. Just stop replying to her messages. She's being annoying and judgy and she's using you to make herself feel better about her own parenting.

Or start calling her out on it directly. "You're depriving your husband of a night with you." "SIL, why are you fretting about other people's sex lives? Get a hobby."

You have to do parenting in the way that works for you and she’s no right to comment.

I disagree with her on the nights away and date nights, although I couldn’t have been doing with breastfeeding a 12 month old during the night like that and having them still in my room, but plenty do this for years. So we are all different. You do you, just laugh the next time ans say “we really don’t want to do it like you, but you crack on” and laugh, just keep closing it down.

She is being a cow. All of our babies are different- my two were chalk and cheese, and I was exactly the same person.
If she knows you are struggling she is being goady and you need to block her. If she doesn't someone - your DH or MIL if you don't feel able to- needs to step in and tell her to back off.
You won't make your baby clingy, you are making your baby feel secure and loved, meaning he will grow into a happy child. Mine didn't have a night away from me so little and my first was still waking up at 24 months for night feeds. They are both now very happy, secure, independent teens.

You sound lovely and like you have a wonderful bond with your baby. Easier said than done, but try to ignore her, she's a dick. If you feel strong enough then say to her 'You know what, we all parent differently. You've found a way that works for you and we've found a way that works for us, but please stop with the digs because they're not kind or helpful and you're making me feel undermined.' Then content yourself with the thought that where children are concerned, everything is a phase and there's a chance that in a year or so her 'perfect' baby will hit the Terrible Twos like an avenging storm.

Ah, she wants to be your parent guru. We've have all had one, someone who knows better than us how our child works
You are not alone
Don't let her undermined your choices. Tell her this is the way you parent and If you need advice you are more than capable speaking to your friends or HV

Christ, she sounds insufferable. Her social skills aren't very good. She's talking bollocks too. Dd2 was a very clingy baby and I went along with it but she turned into quite a confident, independent child.
I think you or your husband needs to put a stop to it or it'll carry on throughout their childhoods. Tell her you're happy parenting your way and don't want to hear her criticisms thank you.
She really needs to butt out. She's very rude and as mentioned is showing poor social skills. I've noticed that tactless people like that tend not to be well liked.

You sound so loving and in tune with your baby. Keep going just as you are.

I think she makes these remarks because a bit of her feels uncomfortable with the choices she has made, which is daft because what she is doing is OK too.

Your sil is taking a highly critical and poisonous approach. The constant drip feed of criticism would worry the most confident of mothers. You turn to either turn off This dripping tap, by cutting her off or two her to stop if you can manage that.
She is stealing your peace of mind and polluting this joyous but delicate time.
Fwiw everything you've described sounds like you are creating a secure and well nurtured human. My approach with both my DC now 8 & 10 was very similar to yours and neither of them are remotely clingy and seem to have pretty secure sense of self worth. They boldly go out into the world without undue anxiety.
The basis for her criticism is faulty, how can a helpless human be made unnecessarily anxious by having his needs met and feeling safe!
Some babies are content and you could parent them in all kinds of ways and they'd still be fine. Sounds like she had one of these. This may have given her a false sense of expertise, her second maybe an entirely different story. I would bet my right arm this oasis of baby perfection she has achieved is an exaggeration too.
Please know there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you are doing and actually I think it's totally lovely and your Ds will be very very glad you are his mum when he realises not ask if them are as lovely as you.
Please don't listen to her, but this is very very hard when it's constant and you are vulnerable, so block her stream of negative comparisons somehow - for your health and your gorgeous baby's sake.
Good luck. You are doing great!!!!

As an add on I remember my ex-forces Dad talking about attachment parenting. He told me that in the far flug places he had been posted babies were always strapped to their mothers, and that these kids certainly did not grow up to be soft or clingy.

There is nothing text book about sleeping 7-7 at 12 months and a baby who is feeding at night certainly wont. But it's not wrong to feed if you are happy to do it.

Why do you think you feel the need to engage w your SiL when you know it upsets you? What happens if you dont share details on how your ds sleeps and eats but just talk about what you did today instead?

What happens if you dont respond?

The thing is, she's never going to stop. Next it will be walking/speaking/ which child knows the most colours/ can read the most words. Competition mums never quit. Some come up with a strategy that works for you - ignore, tease, lie. I personally found the phrase "yes you're probably right" plus ignoring whatever useless advice I was being given worked for me. But I didnt have a family member constantly criticising me so you might prefer something a little more dismissive.

My God! Who the hell is she to tell you how to parent your child! Cheeky bint! All children are different, my two boys are like chalk and chees despite being brought up exactly the same, it's called personality. You sound like you are doing a brilliant job @littlerayoflight I'd be telling her to fuck the fuck off to fucksville with her opinions

There is nothing wrong with the way you are parenting your child. There’s nothing wrong with what she’s doing either but she does sound insecure. Just crack with following your instincts and parenting in the way that feels right to you. Shut her down/change the conversation every time she wants to criticise you. 💐

All babies are different but her attitude and parenting style sounds more old fashioned where as you sound like your parenting fits in with current evidence base. We should absolutely be feeding our babies overnight if they want it, it’s completely normal. And if breastfeeding why would you make life harder by putting your baby in a different room? I didn’t spend a night away from DC1 until he was 2 and that was because I was in labour with DC2. I still don’t spend frequent nights away from them.
My SIL was similar, couldn’t understand why we weren’t having adult only holidays when DC were babies etc. Turns out it was her insecurities about her own parenting.