Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

She's being twattish. You're doing fine.

You sound like a wonderful loving mother! I think she’s critical because she’s jealous of you for some reason. She sounds like a total know it all (for no good reason). You keep going the way you are and don’t let her undermine your confidence.

Tell her to fuck off. Seriously.

A) nothing wrong with what you’re doing
B) none of her business

SIL - I’m really not interested in parenting tips from you anymore - they’re unhelpful and I’m happy as I am.

She sounds like a twat.

You’re not bonkers, you’re making the same choices lots of other mothers make every day. You sound like you’re doing a great job. Read up lots on attachment parenting or similar, to make you more sure of yourself and aware of the loads of people out there parenting in a similar way.

She’s probably just trying to undermine you to make herself feel better about her own (hidden) insecurities. It’s hard for everyone finding their way with their first baby. Her too. There’s no right or wrong way - she’s doing it her way, unapologetically, so you can too! And tell her where to go!! Find a phrase and stick to it and repeat it firmly every time she has a go. It’s a long game, parenting, so start building in some resilience to her, now.

Good luck!

This morning she messaged to tell me her daughter has been playing alone all morning and wondered if I was worried that my son “needs” to play with me and if I thought he may struggle with independence at nursery.

Ok she is clearly a very unhappy or insecure person. That's batshit and for some reason she wants to make you feel like shit to make her feel better. That's bad for her, but not your problem.

"Hey SIL, this is getting a bit bonkers. Why don't you just raise your baby how you like and I will do the same. You are clearly upsetting yourself worry about my life which I am perfectly happy with"

Or alternatively -

"Oh shut the fuck up. Do you know how boring this is to me? Seriously stop it or fuck off"

Wonder what she'd say about my 15mo who co sleeps with me and wakes 2 to 3 times a night for milk...
Her baby sleeping elsewhere at 3 months goes against all guidance which suggests SIDS risk is reduced by sleeping in the same room until at least 6 months.
Do whatever you feel comfortable with. The fact she needs to comment probably means she's insecure or jealous. Ignore her and enjoy spending time with your baby and being the brilliant mum you are. If you're happy and baby is happy, you're doing great!

This morning she messaged to tell me her daughter has been playing alone all morning and wondered if I was worried that my son “needs” to play with me and if I thought he may struggle with independence at nursery. Did you reply to her exactly what you typed under that?

My son doesn’t need to play with me, I play with him because I enjoy the interaction

Because that sounds good to me!

Yep I just wanted to add another vote that she is talking bollocks. You sound like you are doing a great job and my parenting was more like yours. She is being a dick for criticising you and making you feel bad. Some people just need to feel superior. In fact it sounds like she is being a bully.

I would try and engage with her less. Or do the grey rock approach where you answer things with "mm" or "that's nice" while mentally disengaging. I read on here about someone dealing with an annoying family member by answering neutrally while writing "fuck off" on the roof of their mouth with their tongue. I liked that.

[quote littlerayoflight]@Porcupineintherough

Why do you think you feel the need to engage w your SiL when you know it upsets you? What happens if you dont share details on how your ds sleeps and eats but just talk about what you did today instead?**

I guess I’ve just tried to keep a good relationship with her for the sake of my husband.
He’s very close with his brother.

When she messages I try to sway away from
the topic of our babies but it somehow ends up getting pulled back to that.

I do try to just ignore her but I find myself replying to almost defend myself.

This morning she messaged to tell me her daughter has been playing alone all morning and wondered if I was worried that my son “needs” to play with me and if I thought he may struggle with independence at nursery.

My son doesn’t need to play with me, I play with him because I enjoy the interaction. 🤔[/quote]
That last paragraph sounds like the perfect response to her!

@MuddleMoo

To echo what PP said, it's possible she is trying to reassure herself that she has done "the right thing". This might help you think differently when she criticises and help it bounce off a bit? She shouldn't be doing it though.

It sounds like you are doing a great job in difficult times.

@MuddleMoo

I’d never thought of it this way before.

She just always appears to have her shit together.

She’s being a dick . Parenting is a personal thing and she’s trying to force her choices into you. Ignore and continue doing what works did you, baby and husband

I also think I’d be trying to cut down contact a bit, if she’s messaging you every day and undermining your confidence.

She's just insecure about her own parenting. You could question her on why she sent her baby away so early and how she could do that, but what's the point? She's struggling with her choices clearly, if she's not willing to admit that and prefers to lash out, start avoiding her. Can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

People who are happy with their lives don't cut other people down.

Just reply with your last sentence, or a simple no I'm not worried.

He will be, my two body sleepers still like to sleep with me if I'd let them, but when they went to childminder they learnt it wasn't mummy and they adapted to their nap times in a cot.

Oh and none of my 4 children have been to nursery, we co slept with them all for the most part and breastfed them all until they were somewhere between 1-2.5 years old. They sleep well, eat well. They are all so confident, make friends easily, will happy chat to adults/kids of whatever age.. one of them is slightly more quiet/introverted but that’s her personality. Do what feels right for your family and adopt a zero tolerance approach with people giving their opinion.. they’ll soon learn, I speak from experience but it took me 4+ years into motherhood to get really firm about telling people I don’t want their opinions.

@Fuckadoodledoooo exactly! If things are so great then why criticise and judge others

It sounds like you’re doing just fine! When she makes one of her comments, why not say “hmm so what do you do differently?” When she answers, say “Yeah, I can see that works for you but, do you know what - I’m doing it this way. It makes me happy and I’ll not try and convince you to do it my way, so ......” Smile sweetly and know that she is only doing things her way cos that’s the way SHE wants to do it.
You carry on doing what feels right for you and don’t be discouraged or feel inadequate.

I bet you will raise a beautiful child that will give you huge joy.
I was an anxious and early days PND mum who was unsure of her parenting skills and had bolshier mums tell me I was doing it wrong. I was full of the same insecurities as you are. I now have gorgeous grown up children in their twenties.

I did bloody brilliant, doing it the way I felt I should and so will you.

She just always appears to have her shit together. Think that through

You've posted here thinking that of her. Yet every response has been that, from your words, from someone who thinks she has her shit together, SCREAMS insecurity!

Now... you know you can see her quite differently. You can respond to her very differently too! Every time she texts/says anything like that you can wonder what is is she fears she is doing wrong.

Like - is her DD paying without her upsetting her? She sees you and your DS paying together and wonders why her child doesn't need/want her as much? All the independent child stuff might be her reasoning, but it doesn't sound, from what you have posted, that it is what is in her heart!

I heard a mum shut someone down who was trying to make her feel bad, we were at a baby group and all new mums. She simply said ’it works for us’. The other person didn’t have a come back and I’ve used that mantra on many many occasions myself during my sons 2 years so far!

Ignore ignore and do what works for you!

You sound like you are doing brilliantly & you are doing nothing wrong, far from it, you are responsive to his needs & will be building a secure and confident child as a result.

She sounds like she’s being a dick.

Also not sure why she’d be quite so proud of the fact she’s ignored her baby all morning..(but each to their own and all that, definitely not worth playing her game..just nod, smile and ignore any poisonous comments in future - always the best strategy with the ‘soul vacuum’ types!)

@ThornAmongstRoses

You sound like an amazing mother!!!!!

My opinion is that people only criticise someone else’s parenting when they are either jealous, or they are just the kind of unpleasant, self centred person that likes to brag and gloat. Yuk.

Tell her to just “FUCK.OFF”

This. ^ She is (for some reason) JEALOUS of you. Pity her, after you have told her to fuck off!

Ignore her comments and try to engage less with her if you can.

Maybe she’s insecure about her choices and is criticising you as a sort of defensive thing, maybe she’s too set in her ways to accept that there’s more than one acceptable way of doing things.

But either way, what you’re doing sounds fine.
Many parents make choices similar to the ones you’re making, and their babies turn out just fine.

And also I find it very hard to believe that any baby genuinely never cries. That’s giving the impression that she’s exaggerating how great things are when she’s talking about her parenting and her baby.

Sounds like her way is not perfect ! I think your doing a fabulous job you actually want your baby in your room because it’s right for him ! And she sounds selfish to me ! There are no right and wrongs in a book about what’s best for YOUR baby !
Tell her politely to drop the constant criticism big hugs 🤗 x

@Merryoldgoat

Tell her to fuck off. Seriously.

A) nothing wrong with what you’re doing
B) none of her business

SIL - I’m really not interested in parenting tips from you anymore - they’re unhelpful and I’m happy as I am.

She sounds like a twat.

She is poisonous. She is not your friend.

This would upset anyone.

Most young mum's meet at least one person like your SIL but we run from them.

Literally run.

Stop defending yourself.

You sound like a really lovely mum.
Your baby is so lucky to have you.

She's batshit.

It is not normal to be so focused on what someone else is doing.

She is so insecure.

Please step back from her.
Don't answer the phone.
Stop giving her details.

This is who she is.

She will always be like this.
Tell your husband straight.

He can see his brother on his own.

You need to protect yourself from her with your own friends and family.

Women like her are so tedious but I can well imagine how they would spike anxiety.

You are doing great but you have to protect yourself.