Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

Please don’t take any more notice of her. As others have said, a firm word asking her not to be critical and pointing out that everyone parents differently and every child is different. If she continues just say “I’m not continuing this conversation” and breezily change the subject.
Good luck op. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job.

You sound like a wonderful mother! I haven't read all the comments but please do not doubt yourself. Different parenting styles maybe - she has no right to criticise you whatsoever. Love, security, cuddles and more cuddles all the way. Keep up the good work and enjoy your baby!!

You. Should be so proud of yourself for breast feeding this long We’ll done .My daughter still feeding her daughter 17months and she’s in her room You are doing a magnificent job Just ignore her it’s peoples choices and how people want to live .Whatever you do people will criticise you so ignore it I used to say to my postnatal patients (yes I was a midwife )don’t set yourself to be on top of the pedestal as you will come crashing down with a bang .Met many ladies who said that was true .In these times you are meant to be super mum Angel baby Slim mum and perfect house .I’ve had babies thrust at me at front door take it away .Ignore her

Thank you all so so much. ❤️

Your SIL seems to have read all the books and knows ALL about it!

Every child is different as are parents, if your son is happy and healthy and your hubby supports you sod what she’s saying, the fact she’s happily separated from her child overnight at three months is a bit odd, perhaps her child won’t be as close to her as yours will be?!

I agree a tiny bit in that you and your child may struggle when you do go back to work so might help you both if your partner has him for a while and you go for walk for hour or so just to get him used to you not always being there. But enjoy your cuddles while you can, best thing in the world.

Definitely start to reduce contact with this woman a bit, when you are feeling strong enough tell her how she makes you feel and child rearing is not a competition. Take care enjoy your baby 👶

Congratulations on breastfeeding for one year! That is a massive achievement. If you sent your son away for a night every other weekend you’d just be up pumping anyway to maintain your supply and risking bottle preference. It is completely normal and often vital for supply to feed overnight and room/bed sharing facilitates that. But you know all of this, don’t you? Have faith in your parenting choices.
Superiority often masks feelings of inferiority. I would not engage with SIL’s messages about parenting. Her intentions are not coming from a place of good intentions.

@Handsoffstrikesagain - not spiteful at all. Sorry if it came across that way. Just highlighting to you that different circumstances mean parents feel comfortable with different things.

She sounds like a twit. Enjoy the sleepy cuddles while you can. No child ever grew up to say "I wish my mum had cuddled me less as a baby".

Different children sleep different amounts. Different adults sleep different amounts. Why does she think that what her daughter is doing is what is "right" for your son, or that it has anything to do with her parenting style?

My first son barely slept unless on me and didn't sleep through the night until about a year old. My second son slept through at about 4 weeks! Both breastfed, both in my room, both in the same cot, in the same baby clothes and same sleeping bags. The difference in their sleep patterns was how they were wired, not different parenting techniques.

Trust your instincts about what's right for your baby.

Just tell her to fuck off - you are an amazing mum - her kid will be down the park, scoring crack at 13 - seriously, she needs to do one!

Handsoffstrikesagain

I am joking, sort of, a bit, my mum always said this about uptight, holier than thou, parents when I was young and she was right, it took a few decades to pan out, but right in general.

I'd be tempted to say "It's so great that you feel so completely confident in your parenting. I question myself all the time. I just assumed that was part of being a mum".

You might find she changes her tack, is a lot less certain of all her choices, and is just getting through it as best she can, like the rest of us. Albeit while making you feel like crap to bolster herself, whichbisna shitty thing to do. Then again she might not. In which case she's a dick.

(FWIW I think questioning ourselves is a good thing, as it means we're responsive and open to change. Treading the line between that and crippling self doubt is what I found tricky.)

It could be that she does have some, well hidden, guilt that she isn't quite so hands on as you. When my children were small, a certain relative regularly criticised my parenting style which was very hands on. It was pointed out to me that she didn't like people thinking she was less of an 'earth mother' than me. She had different priorities to me and there's nothing wrong with that, but she had to see herself as superior in every way or it upset her. Therefore, she took every opportunity to belittle me and my children and constantly bragged about every tiny achievement of theirs.

It was tiring at times but for the most part I just ignored it, as I could see she had issues.

I'd write some bland shit back to her, even if it doesn't match her question or statement

DS is smiley today
All good
Nice time watching ducks today

She is a total asshole telling you how to look after your baby. You are the one who sees the child in front of you, not her.

Hi haven't read the thread but please please don't let this insecure, regimented, censorious woman undermine you. I kept my babies close, demand feeding and safe co-sleeping in cot adjoining bed. This was right for me and them. IM sure what your SIL is doing is right for her so I wish she'd just get on with it and mind her own business. You're doing fine.

Our DC slept with us til around 3, breastfed til 2 when it came to a natural end. Night fed til it came to a natural end Not at all clingy or anxious. Confident and outgoing. Sleep well in own bed 12 hours now.

Your bond and the attachment will be invaluable in the years ahead.

Trust your instincts. You are doing great!