Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

In my experience op, the people that act like this are massively insecure (even if they appear on the surface to be confident). They need to bring everyone else down to make themselves feel better. I’ve also found there’s a lot of untruths spouted too so I’d take what she says about her own baby with a pinch of salt.

My SIL was similar-we had babies less than a month apart. The difference was it was my second baby, her first, yet she still used to say the most ridiculous things! Thankfully I was able to trust my own judgement. My advice would be not to engage with it or say ‘the health visitor says it’s fine’ and leave it at that. Don’t waste time or energy on her and concentrate on your lovely baby.

@Noornie

Ignore it all. She can mother how she wants, doesn’t make her way right or your way wrong!

For what it’s worth I’m similar to you. My DD is 2 now but she slept in a cot side bed until she was 16 months in my room next to me, waking for regular breastfeeds in the night. I never left her to even go to Tesco until she was 7 months, and she’s still not had an overnight anywhere. She loved a contact nap (so did I!) and even now occasionally she’ll curl up on me to sleep and it’s lovely.

She’s the most independent, curious little 2 year old though. Charges off to explore things, talks to EVERYONE (poor checkout staff don’t know what’s hit them when she interrogates them when we try to do the shopping!) and isn’t ‘clingy’ in that way at all. She loves a cuddle with me don’t get me wrong but it’s not like she’s stuck to my hip bone. She’s got a strong attachment and knows I’ll be close by and it’s safe for her to explore.

Also, despite going in her own room at 16 months she still doesn’t consistently sleep through the night now anyway, it made no difference to us!

Do what works for you.

@Noornie

Thank you! This is reassuring.

**My opinion is that people only criticise someone else’s parenting when they are either jealous, or they are just the kind of unpleasant, self centred person that likes to brag and gloat. Yuk.

Tell her to just “FUCK.OFF**

Exactly this!!! Happy content people do not put others down, criticise, give back handed compliments, try to make things
a competition, etc etc. Her life may seem perfect and her baby may seem like the 'model child' but I bet my bottom dollar there is much more going on behind the scenes.

By the way, please don't let her make you feel a bad mum. You are doing nothing wrong and a lot right by the sounds of it.

You know all those retorts that keep running through your head - the rude ones, the blunt ones? Let one or two of them out!

She's adding to your anxiety, she is doing it to make herself feel better. She is being a selfish, insecure bully.

So yes, next time, tell her to fuck off. Tell her to shut up, stop being such a bore.

Oh, and block her messages. You don't have to let her into your daily life. Tell your OH that you've had enough of her being so bloody rude and he can deal with her (assuming she's on his side of the family!)

I wouldn't choose to parent like your sil but if I knew someone who did I would keep my lip buttoned

I’m so sorry and completely know where you are coming from. My own mother is constantly telling me I’m doing stuff wrong (why are they still rear facing, breastfeeding when they have teeth, all of my children slept through the night from 6 weeks why isn’t yours, she was a sahm and I’m working and it’s like a weird competition)

It use to really get to me but I’ve started to ignore or even make comments back now which she doesn’t like. My favourite phrase is thank you for your opinion but I’m ok.

You are doing an amazing job, my LO is a similar age and still breastfeeding. They have started nursery and absolutely fine, not clingy at all. I think that’s more to do with personality of the child than anything else. She will always be “one of those parents” which I try to avoid...my Jonny knows all his times tables and is gifted, my Jonny is star of the football team, my Jonny is amazing and perfect and never does anything wrong 🤢🤢🤢

You are an amazing mum and responding perfectly to your child's needs. I have a 4 year old and a 10 month old and have breastfed and contact napped with both. We bed share as well.
We had a lot of comments about the bed sharing in particular with DD4. She has her own room and her own bed, but chooses to sleep with me and her sister. I'm not surprised. It's been a rubbish year and she wants to feel safe and close to me.
I was told she would be clingy. She's not! She skips off into preschool in a morning without a backwards glance, because she feels safe and secure.
My 10 month old wakes at least twice in the night for a feed still. Perfectly normal. She is clingy, but she's a lockdown baby and only 10 months old. I'm what she needs right now.
You do what feels best for you and your son. You are doing a fantastic job and I bet he is an amazing little boy. Be confident that you are right and just tell her that what you are doing is working perfectly well for you, thank you. Then ignore.

To echo what PP said, it's possible she is trying to reassure herself that she has done "the right thing". This might help you think differently when she criticises and help it bounce off a bit? She shouldn't be doing it though.

It sounds like you are doing a great job in difficult times.

Also my eldest has never had a night away from me as we have no support and they are 4!

I let both of my babies co-sleep until they were almost two years old. One is 19 years old today (and going to college) while the other is 8 years old. They seem to sleep independently just fine

In what ways are you different mothers?

I was very similar to you. DS slept in my room until 2, breastfed on demand. Always attended to his needs. Has yet to sleep out at 4 (although more than excited to once lockdown ends!). He is now the most confident child I've met. Very happy to be left with family members, loves nursery, excited to start school, makes new friends very easily. Whereas many other children I've known that have slept at grandparents from birth are much more insecure. So she may actually find that she is the one making a rod for her own back.

Nod and smile, and ignore

Or say "the health visitor says what we're doing is fine. It works for us". And repeat that. Endlessly. Every single time. Google "grey rock" technique. Don't engage with conversation about why you're doing X, Y, Z, as you'll just end up frustrated and upset, and you don't need to justify yourself

If it helps you, OP, I was repeatedly told that I was making a rod for my own back when dc was little. That she would be clingy and dependent. That she would never sleep on her own etc.

She is 15 now, and one of the most confident, independent kids I know. We also have a very close, open, trusting relationship. She has no difficulty sleeping by herself!

Just go with your instincts.

What’s the nicest way to tell her f* off?! I have no tolerance for this stuff.

Honestly, every parent and child and choice is different and beyond the basics that every decent human being does, there are few right or wrongs.

And for what it’s worth, I made lots of similar choices to yours with mine and they’re turning out pretty awesome if I do say so myself, just as lots of kids whose parents made different choices are. Do not doubt yourself. YOU and only you know what’s best for your baby. It sounds like you’re doing great.

Just smile, tilt your head and say

“We’re in no rush. They are little for such a short time. We’re enjoying every moment.”

@yahyahs22

In what ways are you different mothers?

Um, she explains that in the op, in fact the whole op is about how they differ,

You're doing great. SIL clearly has a different parenting style to you, but that doesn't mean her way is better than yours.
I co-slept and breastfed my son until he was 2yo he didn't go to nursery until he was 3yo and he's been the most confident child in any room since he could crawl.
Don't let her comments get to you.

She's a massive fucking twat.

I have no time for people like that now. If it was me (and it was in a similar situation with my SIL), I'd tell her to shut the fuck up and mind her own business (I did).

Didn't go down well but I can't abide shit like that, I live my life and raise my children the way I feel fit. I don't give my opinion to anyone else so I don't expect them to give me theirs.

I'm a mardy cow with no mates though

Reading between the lines you sound like an excellent nurturing mother who is meeting her child’s needs and your SIL feels inadequate, insecure and hasn’t the emotional intelligence or moral character to work through those feelings and behave decently. Distance yourself, she’s not enhancing you or your child’s life in any way

@Porcupineintherough

Why do you think you feel the need to engage w your SiL when you know it upsets you? What happens if you dont share details on how your ds sleeps and eats but just talk about what you did today instead?**

I guess I’ve just tried to keep a good relationship with her for the sake of my husband.
He’s very close with his brother.

When she messages I try to sway away from
the topic of our babies but it somehow ends up getting pulled back to that.

I do try to just ignore her but I find myself replying to almost defend myself.

This morning she messaged to tell me her daughter has been playing alone all morning and wondered if I was worried that my son “needs” to play with me and if I thought he may struggle with independence at nursery.

My son doesn’t need to play with me, I play with him because I enjoy the interaction. 🤔

Your parenting style sound much more gentle and it suits you and your baby. She can sod off with her opinions.

Ignore her. Both of mine coslept and breastfed until they were three. I held them when they napped. They both went to nursery at 9months and were confident happy babies.
Your relationship has nothing to do with her.
Also she might not get so lucky next time my ds slept 12 hours a night and then my dd didn't sleep through the night until she started school...it had nothing to do with my parenting and everything to do with their personalities.
They're now 10 ( nearly 11) and 14 and are still happy, secure loved children with different personalities.

Apart from the obvious contact sleeping and room sharing. I'm just curious to see what other differences there are because sometimes it can be jealousy issues. Maybe you're doing something she wants to do