Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

Hi OP. Your SIL is being a dick, please don’t listen to her. How you parent is your choice and you shouldn’t be made to feel like you’re doing things “wrong” just because you are doing things differently to her.
I would just ignore what she says and hopefully she will soon get the hint.

I think I was still sleeping with a noob out at that point so they could help themselves without waking me up....bloody thing doesn't want anything to do with me now apart from to provide food, drink,money and charge phone.... Which is quite normal teen behaviour!

Babies don't want/need to be independent, the idea that they do is just plain bizarre. Ask her if she knows about attachment theory. You need to be a secure base for your lo to start to explore the world when he is older. The more secure he feels, the more able he will be to use you as a base to be confident and go and explore. The idea that a baby being on their own, doing their own thing for long periods is good is just plain wrong. They need to be close to you, feeling that bond and all the time you are playing and interacting with them they are learning.

You can't spoil a baby with love and attention. Take a big step back from her would be my advice. You need to protect your MH from her, explain the situation to your DH so he understands too. xxx

Sounds like you're doing a great job! Your baby is a normal baby and he's getting lots of love and care! Ignore your sil and distance yourself if you have to

@yahyahs22

Apart from the obvious contact sleeping and room sharing. I'm just curious to see what other differences there are because sometimes it can be jealousy issues. Maybe you're doing something she wants to do

@yahyahs22

I can’t think of many other differences.

I guess my approach is slightly more baby led(if that’s makes sense)
Feed on demand, follow his ques for naps.

SIL implemented a strict sleep and feeding schedule from a young age.

That works for her, but it does make me feel like I’m totally winging with how he makes me feel about that. 🙁

This morning she messaged to tell me her daughter has been playing alone all morning and wondered if I was worried that my son “needs” to play with me and if I thought he may struggle with independence at nursery.

She's actually seeking you out to make these comparisons? She's MASSIVELY insecure. Once you see that her insecurity is thet pattern it should make it easier to deal with.

Some parents get so competitive about what their kids are doing at what ages and it's ridiculous. Does any adult know what age they were when they first played alone? No, because it's utterly meaningless.

You're doing exactly the right things with your dc. She obviously doesn't understand how attachment works if she thinks spending time with your children is what makes them clingy. It's this forming of healthy bonds with primary caretakers which ALLOWS them to go off exploring and feeling safe to mix with others.

@MuddleMoo is right. You SiL is one deeply insecure new mum.

She just always appears to have her shit together.

She hasn't got her shit together. Nobody who has their shit together is this invested in how someone else is parenting. Likewise, nobody who has their shit together is so bitchy and unkind.

She is struggling, and the fact that you parent differently from her is making her feel insecure. The nasty comments are her way of trying to persuade herself that you aren't doing a better job.

I would pity her, actually. Just respond calmly and confidently, and assure her that you're not worried about your dc's development. Hopefully, her own insecurities will fade in time, and she will be able to relax a bit more about the whole parenting thing. She may not, though, so you need to develop your own coping strategies for when she starts trying to compete.

Oh OP. You really need to stop engaging with this cowbag. This is way too much. A cool, 'I don't remember asking for your opinion or advice' should do it. She's enjoying your discomfort I bet. Or just ignore it and stop responding.

You sound like a lovely mum. There are few rights and wrongs as long as babies are well cared for.

My dd woke up 3 x a night until she was 3 and I was a frikkin awesome mum!

She sounds like a competitive mum. Always trying to reach the next goalpost. You will meet lots of mums like this so you need to let them get on with it, nod along and then do it your way. I am sure many could criticise how your SIL is parenting.

There are many ways to be a good mum and you sound like you are doing very well. Sounds like you are a happy family and that is THE most important thing.

We all parent differently - it really is a case of whatever works best for you and your family.

But you don't have to accept her implied criticism. You are holding back out of politeness. This will roll on if you don't start standing up for yourself. Do you want this to continue in to the nursery/school years?

"You do you" will suffice and then don't engage.

Both my SIL's gave birth around the same time as me. We compared notes but never compared babies.

Look up attachment theory and the detriment to long-term health if babies don't form a secure attachment. It's eye opening. It's certainly not normal that she's trying to encourage you to NOT be baby-led. Probably her trying to soothe her own insecurities about how she is parenting.

Attachment parenting for the win. You sound like you're doing a fab job, don't let her make you doubt yourself. If need be just get more assertive and say "well life would be boring if we were all the same" and make it clear you're not even getting into a discussion of me Vs you.

I had a friend like this. It worked fine with her first baby. Not so good with the next. She didn't have the flexibility or responsiveness required with a different 'model'.

It's insecurity making her seek out comparisons that boost her own confidence. Learn to laugh and say all babies are different and you respect her parenting choices but they aren't for you!

Your child is exactly that - your child! I had this a bit how my DS would be clingy. No he was not. He was a baby and grew into the most independent and charming child.

Tell her to stop this or you will stop seeing her. God save us from opinionated people!

If you are both doing what works for you-& not to the detriment of the kids, that's all that matters imo.

Different people do things differently.

There's no right or wrong.

She seems to be taking your different approach as a personal affront!

What does your DP/DH think of all her put downs? Because that is what they are - put downs because she is insecure about her parenting.

I hate this competitive parenting lark. It brings out the worst in people.

I play with him because I enjoy the interaction

Reply with this? Or just ‘ok then’.

My youngest is 7, I breastfed him on demand until he self-weaned at 2.5yo, he slept in my room until a similar age, he spent most of his first 6months attached to me, had cuddle feeds first thing (like 4am) until he was over 2. I was told by a health visitor that if "I didn't put that baby down he would be clingy and not gain any independence".
At 7yo he is the most independent little boy I know, confident, self assured, definitely not clingy. Although he will also describe himself as my cuddle monster, because he does still love his cuddles, especially when he first wakes up. He's like this because he's always known that if he needs Mummy/Daddy we'll be there, attachment parenting was the right thing for all of us, it may not be the right thing for your SIL, but obviously is for you

This morning she messaged to tell me her daughter has been playing alone all morning and wondered if I was worried that my son “needs” to play with me and if I thought he may struggle with independence at nursery.

Re: the above. Perhaps you should ask her if she is concerned that her daughter will be a loner and unable to make friends at nursery /school/life. Maybe she should consider giving her daughter a bit more time.....

I feel like this is a glimpse into the life I could have had! SIL had her first baby a few months before me and despite never having bothered with me before was suddenly all over us with the most bossy advice ever, like she'd invented babies herself. Think she just wanted someone to micro manage given she wasn't at work doing it, or as PP put it, to be our baby guru. Fortunately DP fell out with her over it pretty quick and now we only speak or message on key occasions which whilst a shame, has no doubt saved me from the hell you're enduring! I would just stop replying to her if I were you, or send short responses, get some distance between you where she doesn't feel so confident slating you and your parenting. You're doing nothing wrong and it is absolutely zero to do with her what you do anyway.

Does your SIL like her kid?
Sounds like you're taking the baby lead route which is healthy and allows both you and your baby to progress naturally.

Ignore the cow.

You are doing everything I did, and I think I was a good mother for meeting all the needs of my child. She may feel she is doing the same thing, but her methods do not trump yours, and she has no right to make you feel bad.

If you have the courage tell her this. If not get DH to tell her. If she continues message her your feelings. If she continues block her

A short, sharp ‘SIL I find your constant criticism really rude and it’s upsetting me. *Jimbo is absolutely fine thank you for your concern.’

She’ll never utter another bloody word

@CuriousaboutSamphire

This morning she messaged to tell me her daughter has been playing alone all morning and wondered if I was worried that my son “needs” to play with me and if I thought he may struggle with independence at nursery. Did you reply to her exactly what you typed under that?

My son doesn’t need to play with me, I play with him because I enjoy the interaction

Because that sounds good to me!

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Yes, I did. This was her response. (I’ve changed her daughters name to baby)
I haven’t replied to this one, to be honest I didn’t have a clue what to say and it’s just made me worry that my son isn’t going to settle at nursery so perfectly.. 😖

^I enjoy the interaction with baby too but she’s doing really well with independent play, her key worker commented and said she wished all of the babies at nursery were that happy and easy.^

Oh I still remember fondly those naps where DS slept on me and it everything was so peaceful, still and lovely. It's a lovely memory to have so make the most of them and enjoy them!

Ignore your SIL. She'd have kittens if she saw how I was raising mine and yet they're lovely and loved and well behaved mostly

My memories of DS at nursery school were a lot of playing with friends, I don't think there was much independent play because they played with each other. So even if she was genuinely concerned and not doing some kind of wierd mind game, she's probably barking up the wrong tree.