Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

@RampantIvy

What does your DP/DH think of all her put downs? Because that is what they are - put downs because she is insecure about her parenting.

I hate this competitive parenting lark. It brings out the worst in people.

@RampantIvy

Honestly, I haven’t fully told DH.

I’ve made a few comments to him about what she’s said, but I haven’t told him the full extent of how she’s making me feel.

Firstly because I didn’t want to cause any issues but secondly because it’s genuinely started to make me feel like I really am doing things wrong and I’m worrying that maybe she’s just trying to offer me advice and I’m being too sensitive...

You sound like a great Mum. I had comments like this about my first and I let people get into my head a bit, but every time I tried to push things before my daughter was ready, it backfired. My second is 2, and only just this week has started sleeping through the night. We still breastfeed. I fed my oldest until she was 3. They're both wonderfully adjusted children, play independently, are happy exploring ew environments and with new people.
I think there's something to be said for attachment style, child lead parenting.
The only time I've left my older child was when I was in hospital having my second. The thought of being away from them overnight turns my stomach. And that's fine, because they're my kids and I'm allowed to feel like that!

I have two kids. I raised them like you - in fact I co-slept, and was generally very baby lead with both of them.

DS1 was still night feeding at 18 months (can't deny I was grateful when he finally gave up), didn't sleep through on his own until he was over 3. DS2 self-weaned at 8 months, and gave me a good solid 7 hours from birth. DS1 has always been super confident and just strolled into nursery without a backward glance, DS2 had to be dragged off me from me screaming his head off (fine once I was out of sight!).

Kids are all so different, so are adults. Do what works for you and just ignore her.

She is talking shit.

You need to tell him and get him on side so he can support you. If my SIL had behaved like that I knew I could talk to DH about it. Don't bottle it up and keep it to yourself.

Also, don't reply until much much much later and say you didn't see it sorry, you were busy and ignore the question by saying you hope she had a good day. Then ignore the follow up reply. Think of it as training her how to behave nicely so she doesn't get known as "that parent" and get avoided by other parents which she so will

Oh, and my eldest is 10, and I don't think I've every spent more than 2 nights away from them actually! Just never had to, neither have they wanted to.

Sounds a bit like my mil. We no longer tell her the truth, we just tell her what she wants to hear
I bedshare with my 3 year old and I know of others who do it as well. I love bedsharing with her. Its lovely watching her fast asleep.There are also those who have theirs in cots at 3 months or 6 months, which is fine. There is no right or wrong answer I don't think. We all do what we think is best for our children and us. Next time she says something laugh and ask " oh, now you've become an expert have you. Graduate mummy." Then say the health visitor have said its all fine"

Good advice from FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack

I'm sorry you are feeling rubbish, your parenting style sounds exactly what you and your child need.

Another one shouting IT'S NOT YOU IT'S HER! She is insecure at best but whatever her reasoning, she needs to wind her neck in.

I'd just go back to that last text from your SIL with something along the lines of "That's lovely. They're both doing so well, aren't they?" and leave it at that.

Don't stoop to her level. Don't let her comments get to you. Just be relentlessly positive about both children. Remind yourself that she needs reassurance because she is desperately insecure.

Your response should always be 'it's amazing how different they are isn't it?' Add a lol or a head tilt if you want but really don't make a battle of it. Hopefully the two children will be friends for life so don't put up barriers.

For what it's worth I was (privately) incredibly judgy of my SILs parenting. I was absolutely doing my best and so I saw every difference as an unspoken criticism of my choices and was unnecessarily defensive. That was nearly 30 years ago. The children involved are all adults and all wonderful people in their different ways and also flawed in their different ways. They are a very close knit band of cousins.

Your son sounds exactly like my 11 month old and we have a very similar routine. I couldn’t care less if people think he’s clingy, he should be, he’s a baby. He will play on his own quite happily, his development is in no way hindered and he is very happy.

They grow up so quickly, there will be a time where you are pestering just to get one cuddle, enjoy them now whilst you are the most important person to your son.

She's not doing very well at being a great human being, is she?

There are loads of ways to be a 'great mum', as many types and flavours as there are ways of being a person, or a friend. And there's a baseline, which involves not being abusive or neglectful.

There is something really wrong with someone who pecks away at a woman, insisting that if she doesn't do 'X,Y,Z,' she's not being a 'good mother.'

It's both factually wrong and really controlling.

I'm so sorry to hear you had post-natal anxiety. I really hope things are better now.

I don't think being around your sister-in-law helps you at all.

At some point, you're going to stop feeling sad when she does the attacking/controlling thing to you , and you're going to get really, really angry with her instead.

There's only so much attacking, insidious bullying, controlling, insulting a human being can stand.

Really, try and see less of her before you finally snap.

She's a bossy cow, probably with an underlay of insecurity, wrapped in a massive wad of insensitivity.

And she really should take her unpleasant personality off to somewhere it does no harm.

She's talking rubbish Do what you feel is right for you.

Your ds sounds well cared for and happy

Also, having been a nanny pre-kids, some kids work really well with a strict schedule. There was no way either of mine would have from an early age unless I'd done CIO or similar. If what you're doing is making you happy, and your baby is happy and developing then there is no problem. Competitive parenting is a zero sum game.

Exactly as other posters have said, insecure people often use criticism of other people as a means to justify the choices they've made. Your styles of parenting are chalk and cheese and she obviously needs to keep finding ways to justify what she's doing. But please don't listen any further! As other have said, babies form secure attachments when their needs are met and their parents are very responsive to their needs. Secure attachments increase babies' confidence and independence as they grow, not the other way round as your SIL likes to claim. This is well understood now and backed up with extensive research. You're doing a wonderful job!

because it’s genuinely started to make me feel like I really am doing things wrong and I’m worrying that maybe she’s just trying to offer me advice and I’m being too sensitive...

She’s not trying to help you. She is trying to make herself feel better. And she’s doing it at your expense, because she knows that you’ll worry about it and not laugh at her or tell her to fuck off.

Stand up for yourself, really. It’ll set you in good stead for the future. You don’t need to tell her she’s being a cowbag, you can be polite, you can just not answer her. Stop playing the role she’s cast you in.

You’re not being sensitive op. Your sil is a knob.
My advice is sit back and wait until she has baby no. 2.
Chances are next baby will not cooperate with her ‘perfect’ parenting.

How bizarre she sounds! I can't see how it's an achievement that a baby can play alone, I find that really sad actually!!

Keep doing what you're doing, you certainly sound like the more normal/maternal/responsive parent to me here!!

Op you sound like a great mother. I'm still like this with my 2yo and I've had many people raising their concerns 🙄 my son feels safe with me and comfort. He started nursery with no trouble and settled in straight away. My son is also my first baby and this is how I decided to do it. He is clingy yes but that's because he has always been high needs which is nothing to do with my parenting or my choices. When he sees his little buddies at nursery he forgets about me for a few hours. I now have a beautiful thoughtful toddler who is very protective over me already. The other day my DH brought home a smoothie maker and when he heard it the first time, he pulled me out the kitchen looking all concerned, shut the kitchen door, sat me down and cuddled me and shushing me as if he was trying to soothe me.

Your sil sounds insecure. I had a distant sil (DH's cousins wife) where she made criticising comments all the time as I was a first time mother. She was saying stuff like I smother my baby's bottom with sudocrem as if I was putting yogurt on or I was really slow when feeding (weaning) my baby and was very slow changing my babies clothes basically making out I was incompetent. My hands used to just tangle every time she was round. One day when she did it again over dinner saying I shouldn't give water to him so he doesn't fill up, I just laughed and looked at her husband (DH's cousin) and said you need to watch out for her in the future, she will make a great MiL and push all her DIL's away with your sons if she doesn't learn to bite her tongue respecting people's parenting skills. The husband started laughing and said yeah true, she's obsessed with our sons and I feel sorry for our future DIL's.

Your sil sounds like a bitch and I bet you she's really jealous of your parenting skills and bond with your baby that's why she is trying to make you question and guilty with your parenting.

First : You sound like a great Mum!

Second: other parents lie - its shocking but worth remembering - when that 5 year old who read himself to sleep with Harry Potter at 8 has "dyslexia" or whatever...

A securely attached child wants to be with its primary care giver at this age. Clingy is pretty healthy. And they won't be the same (99.999% sure) at 18.
And I have 3 - all extremely different, the one who slept through earliest the night was in some ways the trickiest as a baby.

I would be honest with your DH - this is your mental health at stake. If necessary can you discuss it with a third party present maybe a HV or someone.

She sounds awful. As if that's what the keyworker said. Tell your DH, show him the messages and then block her.

Reply to that:

"Gosh, well I'm in tears now. You are right. I'm a terrible mother. My baby is nowhere near as developed as yours. Please teach me how to do this properly. JOKES. Fuck off will you. You are boring me to tears, Miriam Fucking Stoppard"

Your SIL is a dick.
Your son is growing up loved and cared for and knows he can have his mummy when needed. That is really good ground for a confident child.
My DD at 12 months old was still a Velcro non sleeping boob monster. She never left my side for more than a few minutes if I needed the loo or a shower for over a year.
She happily goes to grandparents now for weekends and is very self assured and confident.
Next time your SIL texts reply:
Oh god, we’re not going to play who’s the greatest mummy are we? I’m tired of that game. How about text battleships?’