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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

490 replies

littlerayoflight · 05/03/2021 09:55

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

OP posts:
SillyOldMummy · 05/03/2021 11:04

Children who are well-bonded grow up LESS clingy than children who are not. Children are clingy in phases as they develop anyway. Children who sleep through early have often learned that no one comes if they cry.

So please continue everything you are doing. Don't second guess yourself, and do whatever feels right. Very few children settle instantly in nursery, and temperament has

Your SIL is an absolute cow. I would seriously say something to her - or I'd fight fire with fire and start picking her parenting to pieces.

Waspie · 05/03/2021 11:05

I'd just reply to anything like this with a cutesy reply like "aw, lovely" or "what a sweetheart", "looking forward to cuddles from X when we're allowed". Sort of sugary grey rock.

My nephew and my son are just a couple of months different in age. They are teenagers now but my sister still does her best to compare them sometimes. I just ignore it. I love my sister dearly but there was no way I as going to indulge in this sort of shit and I didn't want to fall out with her by telling her to wind her neck in. I described it as "smile and wave".

Good luck OP. You sound as though you are parenting your child brilliantly Flowers

PenguinIce · 05/03/2021 11:06

There is more than one right way to parent! I have two totally different children and parented them differently, the eldest loved routine and was fiercely independent whilst the youngest was much more into snuggles and wanted to be constantly with me. I joke my youngest didn’t leave my arms until he was 4! I was also told my youngest was clingy and I needed to ‘nip it in the bud’! Well my dc are now older teenagers and they are both independent so the extra cuddles and feeds during the night as a baby did not affect my youngest.

Ignore you sil and be confident in what you are doing as you sound like you are doing an amazing job 💐!

Fuckadoodledoooo · 05/03/2021 11:06

I've posted this many times here over the years, but when my son was little I had a friend just like that.

One day both boys had been sick. We met up when they were better and as you do, compared notes.

I said that all the washing was the worst part.

She replied "oh well that's where my Ds is more advanced - he's always been sick into a bucket perfectly"

I laughed in her face. I couldn't help it. Then I walked off. I didn't speak to o her again because it was a culmination of ridiculous competitive shit on her side.

I think that's when I became such an Arsenal to be honest. No time for anything like that now.

jessycake · 05/03/2021 11:07

You need to handle this head on even if it upsets her , if she criticises tell her you are happy doing it your way and haven't asked or care about her opinion . He won't be a baby for long so just enjoy it , and find other things that you enjoy to focus on instead.

Glitterblue · 05/03/2021 11:07

DD was exactly like your baby at that age. She went to pre school absolutely fine, and rather than my parenting making her clingy, it made her feel secure, so she was happy to be away from me.

She's now 10, and we have a really lovely relationship. We're very close but she's also happy to be away from me. She managed the year 4 residential, despite never having been away from us overnight, and she absolutely loved it! My marriage is still brilliant too. Don't listen to your SIL, you're doing an amazing job and LO will be just fine!

Eddielzzard · 05/03/2021 11:07

What a bitch. Who seriously thinks it's ok to say these things ever? She is trying to make herself feel better by undermining you. A clear indication of low self esteem and insecurity.

I would completely stop responding to those texts. I would mute her and just not reply. End. You don't have to give her headspace. She couldn't give a shit about your mental well being. You do not have to put up with this for the sake of peace in the family. You don't have to be rude back, just don't engage.

I had one of these types around when my first was born. They wear you down and make everything so miserable, questioning our ability and decisions. It's utterly crap and outrageous. I wish I'd stopped listening. My kids are quite a bit older now, happy, confident. I had no reason to worry. None at all. And nor do you.

Spend your time and energy with kind friends and family who support you. Tell your DH the extent of her fuckwittery so he's aware and on your side.

Cocomarine · 05/03/2021 11:07

She needs to fuck off! How tiresome is she? I would tell her straight - it’s boring, talking babies all the time, and you certainly don’t need her telling you what to do.

Look, my daughter was breast fed on demand. That was 8+ times a night for the first year. We co-slept. I worked away some nights after she was 1, but every night I was home, we co-slept until she was 10. Her choice. Oh - and breastfed until a month before she started primary school! In her first year, she spent ONE evening apart from me. We both just liked being together. She was never clingy, she was always confident to explore new places and people. Never cried at nursery. Off on school trips without a second glance. She’s 14 now and I’m just there to feed her, basically - barely see her! 🤣

A clingy child who isn’t given reassurance doesn’t become unclingy, they just learn not to bother seeking reassurance.

A child who isn’t clingy, doesn’t become so just because you spend a lot of time with them.

We think we choose our parenting style... but honestly, talk to parents with multiple children. They’ll tell you, you adapt because all children are different.

Both she and you (and I!) are lucky because the style that we want to use, it happily the one that suits our child. Lucky us! And believe me - it is luck.

Pepper54 · 05/03/2021 11:07

I feel so cross for you! I am 54 and have two teenagers, for what it’s worth I parented very like you are. But that doesn’t really matter, every parent should do what they feel works best for them and their family.

Please stop replying to your SIL, she is a pain in the ass. Distance yourself. I have learnt to sort people into drains and radiators, simplistic but it works. Your SIL is a drain.

Enjoy your baby and have faith in your instincts.

VettiyaIruken · 05/03/2021 11:07

Try saying something like
Are you aware you are constantly criticising my parenting. Why is that? Wouldn't it be better for us to respect each others choices? I don't criticise you and I don't expect you to criticise me.

Something less wordy maybe, but that sort of message.

Or you could say ( in an excited way) hey, let's race 'em! winner's mother gets a Best Mum sticker. 😁

timeisnotaline · 05/03/2021 11:10

I’d tell your dh that this is really making you feel crap, you don’t want to sabotage the relationship, so could he help? And for a week at least can you hide her contact? And only look with dh at night to reply then hide it again for the next day? So he can see, and reassure you and support you to reply.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 05/03/2021 11:10

You need to get tough OP. You have had this hounding for a whole year, no wonder it is grinding you down.
Your SIL thinks it's ok to upset you with her criticism so do not be concerned about offending her by being blunt

"Look SIL. My baby is happy and I am happy. Please concentrate on your baby and I'll concentrate on mine"

And tell your husband what she's doing.

TheGonnagle · 05/03/2021 11:11

She belittles your choices to make her feel better about her own.
She’s either a massive twat or incredibly insecure. Either way, not your problem.
Just keep doing what you’re doing, you sound like a great mum.

Dobbyismyfavourite · 05/03/2021 11:13

Seriously you are doing a great job and I agree with @billy1966 and @Merryoldgoat

Your SIL sounds insecure and is enjoying putting you down. I think for your own sanity you need to either stop replying to her daily messages or to send a sharp reply back. Why are you worrying about the close relationship between your DH and your BIL because your SIL isn't. Perhaps if you bite back at her it might make her sit up and think. Even a mild 'please stop with the continual criticism of my parenting'.

You should be enjoying your baby as this time goes so quickly.

DreamingofGinoclock · 05/03/2021 11:14

@littlerayoflight

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

You sound like a great mum ...you have a routine that suits you and your family and your little one seems perfectly content ....my routine is a lot more like your SIL (although in own room from 6 months rather than 3) as that is our choice and what suits our children/routine best....I would never criticise a mother for choices like these! It's just a matter of personal preference ...in both situations the children and parents are happy and that's what matters!
June628 · 05/03/2021 11:14

Do not martyr yourself and feel the need to talk to her in order to maintain a good relationship between your DH and his brother. His relationship with his brother can be independent of yours with SIL surely? Especially now when you’re unlikely to be seeing them much / at all.
Life is too short for this crap! Competitive parenting is boring and exhausting! It will go on forever if you let it. My advice would be just ignore her. You aren’t doing anything wrong, she isn’t offering you advice, she’s being a smug cow.
Go cuddle your baby and turn your phone off for a while! Sounds like you’re doing a great job!

caoraich · 05/03/2021 11:14

You sound like a great mum. And you've followed NHS guidance more closely than she has with regard to sleeping.

I echo what others say, people who are this critical are usually desperately trying to make themselves feel good about their own choices.

I think the term "grey rock" that I've seen used for people with toxic families is helpful here. I'd make it clear that you will parent your way, you're not interested in comparing and that's that. When she brings anything to do with her opinions on child raising up- "ok. So what are you watching on netflix right now"

For what it's worth my daughter breastfed beyond 1, still wakes in the night and is super cuddly. She has also settled happily into nursery and the workers often comment on how caring and gentle she is with the other children.

theliverpoolone · 05/03/2021 11:15

OP, please distance yourself, you're doing great She will become one of those mums always asking what reading level your child is at (if hers isn't higher she'll be having words with the teacher!) - and will be a nightmare with competitive potty training! Nip this in the bud now, as others have said. (My dd would literally never leave my side as a baby/toddler - now she will barely come out of her room!)

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/03/2021 11:16

@littlerayoflight

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

My sil did the same thing to me and I think she was just jealous. For a lot of reasons she never got the parenting experience she wanted and she saw me get what she wanted and couldn’t stop with the judgy comments until we had it out.

But my sil is generally not a negative or judgy woman. Her comments were really out of character. If your sil is always like this then I don’t see why you can’t just knock them on the head. For example if she hasn’t brestfed or coslept just tell her she wouldn’t understand.

NoSquirrels · 05/03/2021 11:17

OP, I would lay a substantial amount of money on the fact that she is deadly insecure about all her choices, and your baby-led attachment style makes her feel bad about herself. So she's constantly seeking feedback and reassuring herself (by making you doubt yourself).

This morning she messaged to tell me her daughter has been playing alone all morning and wondered if I was worried that my son “needs” to play with me and if I thought he may struggle with independence at nursery.

You need a stock phrase you say every time. Something like "That's lovely. I'm not worried about DS - they're all different, aren't they?"

And just repeat it.

You are doing absolutely fine. You really are. Grey rock her for your own sanity, but try to think of her as a person who is to be slightly pitied rather than evil.

Notjustanymum · 05/03/2021 11:17

OP, you sound like an amazing Mum! As PP’s have said, she’s using your anxiety as a way of making her feel better about herself, and that’s not on!
Tell her you won’t be discussing your parenting choices with her any further, on the grounds that A) she clearly doesn’t realise that babies are individual tiny people, and B) one method doesn’t suit every Parent, or every baby, and C) that she can’t seem to tone down her opinion without it sounding like personal criticism...

Charmatt · 05/03/2021 11:19

I thought I had all my shit together with my first - he slept through from 9 weeks, he fed regularly, I could put his toys round him and he'd play while I did other jobs, not needing my interaction, etc. He seemed like the model baby. It didn't take me that long to realise that he had significant additional needs and a life long learning disability.

My daughter always ended up in our bed until she was nearly 5, was more attached to me and the one who was always needing me near and she is the one we won't worry about in the same way.

I had 'friends' like your SIL - proclaiming loudly how wonderful everything was and how perfect their lives were. Take it from me, it's all a front! She is insecure about her parenting and seeks validation by pulling you down emotionally.

Don't engage with her comments about the children. There is more than one way to parent. If she doesn't like your way she can do it differently, but it doesn't give her any right to judge your style.

For what it's worth, my son is now an adult and will need us for the rest of his life. I'm so proud of what he has achieved and hopefully, he will live a life where he is safe and contributing to society. My daughter will find her own way, make her own choices and we will always be there for her to give offer advice and support but she won't need it in the same way.

You are a good mother and are responding to the needs of your son. Don't engage or compare them - it robs you of the joy of their individuality!

Aria2015 · 05/03/2021 11:19

You sound like a great mum! Honestly some of what you've said she says, just sounds like her trying to validate her own parenting eg the sleeping away from home thing. Stuff like that is personal choice - I wonder what she'd think of me and my lo, he didn't sleep over at his grandparents (or anywhere else) until he was 5 and he verbally requested it! It's certainly not bonkers that you baby wakes once a night for a feed either and if it doesn't bother you, I have no idea why it should bother her!

I want to say ignore it, but it's obviously getting to you so I think you should say something to her. Not sure what you're like with confrontation? I'm rubbish so would take the softie approach and say something like 'I don't think you realise, but when you say stuff like [insert comment] it makes it sounds like you're comparing our parenting styles and our babies and it can make me feel bad. At the end of the day, we are doing our best and so I'd really rather just focus on the stuff and that we have in common and enjoying watching them play / grow up together'. Obviously you can take a more hard approach or even just avoid her altogether, but I always like to give someone a chance to change their behaviour by gentling pointing out why what they are doing / saying is bothering me.

Whatever you do, don't let her doubt yourself. You're doing a great job and babies and small children do often cling to their parents and that's no bad thing - it means that they trust them to keep them safe and so want to be near them. They naturally becomes more independent at their own pace, you don't have to force it (which it sounds like she's doing tbh!).

Roszie · 05/03/2021 11:19

Just say oh sorry supernanny I didn't realised I asked for your opinion.

And repeat until she STFU.

OloBo · 05/03/2021 11:20

Being the cow that I am I’d be fighting the urge to say “are you not worried that she’s not wanting to engage with you socially?” I don’t genuinely think it, nor would I actually do it but god she needs to stop. I would either ignore the bit of the message entirely, or say exactly what you did at the end of your post...probably followed by “he’s happy, I’m happy.”