Sister in law is making me feel like a shit mum

[littlerayoflight]

Both me and my sister in law had our first babies last year. They are 2 months apart, my son being the eldest.

We’re both very different mothers, but I’ve never made my SIL feel bad about any of her choices, neither have I ever expressed an opinion.

She on the other hand just seems to constantly criticise me and I can’t work out whether she’s just being a dick or whether I really am doing things wrong.

My son is still in a cot in my room, he breastfeeds and he still wakes once overnight for milk.

SIL told me this is in her words “it’s utterly bonkers” he should be in his own room and I need to “knock the night feeds on the head”
Yeah. Well you try telling that to my 12 month old.

My son has never had a night away from me, my choice, but also we don’t have a support bubble neither do we have a lot of people we’d feel comfortable leaving our son with over night.

SIL has had her daughter sleeping out from 3 months old and every other weekend she’s sleeping out at her grandparents (SIL’s parents)

SIL is always telling my my son is going to be clingy, he needs time away from me.
I’m depriving my husbands of a night with me only (not sure how as DS is in bed from 7pm and there’s plenty of other places around the house... wink wink)

My son contact naps during the day (he will go in his cot but I enjoy the cuddles and I’m back at work soon so will miss out of those)
She’s told me my son is clingy and he’s going to struggle at nursery.

She’s always telling me how how daughter is so happy, never cries, is always smiling and pleasant.
Sleeps 7-7 without waking.

I’ve had a year of this now and I’ve always just taken it on the chin, but it’s really starting to get to me.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when my son was born and I’ve started to convince myself that my anxiety must be the reason why my son isn’t this perfect text book child like her daughter is.

I’ve had treatment for my anxiety and I’ve been well for months, but I can’t help feeling like it’s creeping back in.

I’ve tried to distance myself from SIL but she messages most days and if I always seems to engage with her, even though it results in me becoming upset.

I’m in tears typing this as I really just feel like I’m doing everything wrong and I’m a terrible mother.

Have you come across La Leche League. Your style of patenting would be affirmed there .
Most of the world has your style of patenting.
One of the worst things about parenting is feeling judged or just observed. I judge you to be a very good mother .

FWIW I breastfed my baby until he was over 3, co slept/never slept, end of my tether sometimes, had some disapproval off the odd person at the time but he is lovely teenager now, empathetic, caring, excellent grades, kind. I’m sure it will be the same for you.

Aww sweetheart... not read all pp replies.

I had someone repeatedly tell me (for my own good) that i mollycoddled my (only) dc, and that I should take a “harder line”. I was told that I needed to do this, as my child would forever be tied to my apron strings.
Those words made me feel inadequate.
I was a single mum since dc was four years of age, and was in full time work from when dc was in full time education, so when my dc and I had quality time together, I parented in a way that I felt was firm, but fair.
Yes, dc was very ‘close’ to me, but I didn’t feel I was ott with my care of dc.....
Dc is coming up forty years of age this year.
He is doing absolutely fine. A successful career, a loving relationship with his fiancée, has many varied interests, and is a well adjusted fully functioning adult, and I couldn’t be prouder of him.
I so wish I hadn’t allowed that person to undermine my parenting style and decisions.
Please be strong and believe in what’s best for you and your child.
Makes no difference if your dc is a babe in arms, or a pre-teen, or older.
Your instincts to parent as you feel is right for you both..... and other parents deal with rearing their dc as they see fit too.
As long as the dc is safe, and happy, and receives good lifestyle guidance, then it’s got sod all to do with anyone else.
I realise all this now as time has gone by, but I know all too well, that you can be made to feel inadequate when your first starting out as a mum.
I wish you strength in your decisions on how to parent your dc through all the hurdles that may come your way. 🌿🌹🌿

"Dear SIL, are you unsure about your choices and that's why you spend so much effort criticising mine? Just because you do things differently from me doesn't make you wrong, you know. Have faith in yourself! Must sign off now - busy busy busy!"

@Jux

"Dear SIL, are you unsure about your choices and that's why you spend so much effort criticising mine? Just because you do things differently from me doesn't make you wrong, you know. Have faith in yourself! Must sign off now - busy busy busy!"

This is brilliant 👏

Agree that's good

You don't change your child's nature by changing your parenting. I had to be around people like this less otherwise you end up worrying how your child will behave around them.

Hi SIL,
You know I love you don't you? But do you realise how critical you are being of me and how upset it makes me feel ? I've never ever commented on the way you parent and we are 2 very different people with different upbringing and parenting styles. I realise it is coming from a good place and you might he upset by this message, but unfortunately your messages are contributing to the anxiety I have and if you could refrain from commenting on my parenting unless it is a really important concern. He is still alive and we will have to agree to disagree on certain things I am afraid. I really value our friendship and your support just can't not say anything . Thanks and hope you understand. "

I read your first post and haven’t read the replies but yes,your SIL is a dick.

FWIW my son has always been clingier than my daughter.

Just write back "That's fucking awesome! I'm so thrilled for you!" and attach this

I suspect that your SIL just loves to put people down. I also think I wouldn't like her very much.

@justilou1

Just write back "That's fucking awesome! I'm so thrilled for you!" and attach this

Ha!

I'd still go with my "get to fuck, you daft cow" one though

She’s being an arse and if you’re not careful the comparisons will last forever. It would be helpful to have a conversation and a say that a lot of the baby chat has been making you feel criticised otherwise you’ll be comparing milestones, number of words, reading levels, exam results for an eternity.

The only thing I would say is you might want to think about the contact napping. My first would only sleep on me and then we had a painful process of trying to get her ready for nursery. I don’t think it’s fair to them or staff to send them in if they can’t sleep in a cot.

I haven't read the whole thread but I'm sure you've been given loads of great advice. Just wanted to say my 17 month old still sleeps in my bed, wakes for milk several times a night and contact naps. All babies are different and all parents are entitled to make their own decisions on how to parent. Your SIL frankly sounds like an unpleasant a-hole. I'd tell her "thank you for your advice but having done my own research I'm happy with the way I'm doing things." Check out Sarah Ockwell Smith and The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read. Both will help realise your style of parenting is entirely normal and nurturing. X