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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First mothers day disappointment

273 replies

Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:26

I feel so guilty for writing this.

My partner told me last night that he can't really afford to get me anything for mothers day and I told him I understood because finances are a bit tight at the moment. I mentioned I just wanted to spend it with my DC, but maybe I could pamper myself on the cheap as well by doing honey and sugar facemasks, and watch movies etc.

He knows there's a thing I wanted from my DC for mothers day, which is only £20, and I suggested that he could get me it when finances are better as a delayed mothers day present, and he said that was a good idea.

Everyone was happy!

Today arrives and something comes through the post for him. Turns out he spent £35 on a jacket for himself so he could start running again.

I don't begrudge him the jacket, and I'm delighted that he's getting back into his fitness. But I can't help feeling the tiniest bit hurt and I feel like such a bitch for feeling that way. AIBU?

OP posts:
AtticusF1nch · 03/03/2021 16:28

Just say to him that you're hurt he spent £35 on himself yet pleaded poverty when it came to buying something that he knew meant a lot to you.

I mean, you could silently seethe and breed lots of resentment or you could calmly just tell him

TheCatWithTheFluffyTail · 03/03/2021 16:28

I think Mother’s Day is overrated but I think he has shown you how little he prioritises what it means to you. I’d just buy the £20 gift you want regardless as I’m assuming it’s ultimately all one household pot.

picklemewalnuts · 03/03/2021 16:29

You aren't unreasonable. It hold be hard to raise it without sounding it, though. You could ask if he's keeping it, as you know how hard up he is. Or you could get it for yourself, from the kids.

How do you manage finances?
Basically he's said his running gear is more important than a present for the mother of his D.C.

Nekoness · 03/03/2021 16:30

Nope. I’d make a big show putting a big return label on it and when he blurts out asking what you’re doing ... feign surprise and ask what he means? He said he couldn’t afford a Mother’s Day gift and money was tight so surely this has to be a mistake and he doesn’t actually think you’re going to let him treat you like a worthless piece of shit? And smile

dancemom · 03/03/2021 16:30

That's not okay.

Deathgrip · 03/03/2021 16:31

What a shit.

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2021 16:31

Did he actually need the jacket though?

And more importantly, will he be organising the DC to make you a card/breakfast or something?

I'm not one for husbands buying gifts for their wives on Mothers Day, as that's (imo) what Christmas, Valentine's and Birthdays are for.

CustardyCreams · 03/03/2021 16:32

Don’t jump the gun. He might have got you something, and just be preparing you so you don’t expect something huge.

If not, I think I’d be finding I “couldn’t find the money” for any presents for him either, whilst treating myself to something unnecessary, for the foreseeable future.

kooked · 03/03/2021 16:32

@Nekoness

Nope. I’d make a big show putting a big return label on it and when he blurts out asking what you’re doing ... feign surprise and ask what he means? He said he couldn’t afford a Mother’s Day gift and money was tight so surely this has to be a mistake and he doesn’t actually think you’re going to let him treat you like a worthless piece of shit? And smile

You don't have to make a big passive aggressive weirdly controlling gesture 🙄

Just communicate. Tell him. Ask him why he ordered a jacket.

DanielODonkey · 03/03/2021 16:32

Thank him for your lovely new running jacket.

BrumBoo · 03/03/2021 16:33

I don't begrudge him the jacket, and I'm delighted that he's getting back into his fitness. But I can't help feeling the tiniest bit hurt and I feel like such a bitch for feeling that way. AIBU?

I'm going to say this as nicely as possible. It's not about 'begrudging' him a new jacket, it's about him saying there's no spare money for gifts and such then spends nearly twice as much on something unnecessary on himself.

There's a few ways you can deal with this. Wait until MD itself and then tell him you're disappointed if he still hasn't got you anything. Tell him today that you are rather annoyed that he's claimed money is too tight for a gift, yet he's bought himself something when it could have waited. Or play the long game and do exactly the same to him come Father's Day. Personally I'd have gone option 2, and told him as soon as it arrived that you're surprised and a bit cross that you can't expect anything for bringing his child into this world, but he can find the funds to go do his hobby.

I suspect you will go for the other option though, be a bit of a martyr and not confronted him at all about it

AtticusF1nch · 03/03/2021 16:33

No wonder people's marriages run into problems when people engage in such silly passive aggressive behaviour.

You're upset. You've possibly got good reason to be a bit upset. Just bloody tell him and tell him why. See what he says. And then take it from there

Easterbunnygettingready · 03/03/2021 16:34

In your shoes I would be ordering myself a 25 quid treat....
My exh pleaded poverty but managed to fund a golf membership and the crap that went with it... I did indeed start tit for tat spending. His face was priceless..

Easterbunnygettingready · 03/03/2021 16:34

*35..

peboh · 03/03/2021 16:37

I wouldn't fanny about playing games or being passive aggressive. Just straight up ask him how he could afford the jacket and not a gift for you for Mother's Day. Tell him how upset it's made you.

RickJames · 03/03/2021 16:37

Erm.. you don't need a special jacket to start running. You need some shoes and some sport type clothes which I assume he has if he has run before. I'd be cross about this. Maybe after showing a couple of months commitment to running THEN buy a special clothing thing. My husband has form for this and it pisses me off, even if we can afford it, the money could be put to better use.

Usagi12 · 03/03/2021 16:37

It's not ok, you need to look after yourself because he's not going to. Whatever the gift was you wanted please order it for yourself today xx

LabbyNoona · 03/03/2021 16:39

I agree, ask him. I would mine. Unless he doesn’t take perceived criticism well, if you’re worried about that? He sounds selfish

Figgygal · 03/03/2021 16:41

I think Mother’s Day is a crock but he’s a disingenuous selfish tool to make out he can’t buy you something because he spent what money you did have on himself

Call him out on it

Original poster
Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:41

@WorraLiberty

Did he actually need the jacket though?

And more importantly, will he be organising the DC to make you a card/breakfast or something?

I'm not one for husbands buying gifts for their wives on Mothers Day, as that's (imo) what Christmas, Valentine's and Birthdays are for.

No, he has a lot of jackets lol
OP posts:
Cuddling57 · 03/03/2021 16:45

Any chance he has actually got you what you want as a surprise?

Caspianberg · 03/03/2021 16:45

That’s off.

However I don’t think Mother’s Day (or Father’s Day), should be gifts or expensive. It’s a day to show appreciation. He can do that for free basically by helping your children make a card, breakfast in bed type thing, and nice meal.

StephenBelafonte · 03/03/2021 16:46

How old are your kids?

Original poster
Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:47

@CustardyCreams

Don’t jump the gun. He might have got you something, and just be preparing you so you don’t expect something huge.

If not, I think I’d be finding I “couldn’t find the money” for any presents for him either, whilst treating myself to something unnecessary, for the foreseeable future.

Tbh when he says he won't get anything, I know he won't get anything from experience on Christmas' etc. I'm normally fine with it.

A few years ago I kept asking if we could have a date night and he would always respond that we can't afford it. Then he went out on a night out with his mates and spent more than a date night would cost, and I was a little hurt and told him straight that it upset me, and he said sorry and that he would make more of an effort to do date night (he never did though). He doesn't mean it in a malicious way, he just doesn't think!

Bringing this up with him seems the only reasonable solution, but I'll wait until after mother day because I don't want to put pressure on him to buy something if he really can't afford it, and I don't want to make him send the jacket back because it seems cruel when I know he loves it.

OP posts:
Ellpellwood · 03/03/2021 16:49

Tell him "in advance" you'll be too poor in June to get him anything for Father's Day.