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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First mothers day disappointment

273 replies

Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:26

I feel so guilty for writing this.

My partner told me last night that he can't really afford to get me anything for mothers day and I told him I understood because finances are a bit tight at the moment. I mentioned I just wanted to spend it with my DC, but maybe I could pamper myself on the cheap as well by doing honey and sugar facemasks, and watch movies etc.

He knows there's a thing I wanted from my DC for mothers day, which is only £20, and I suggested that he could get me it when finances are better as a delayed mothers day present, and he said that was a good idea.

Everyone was happy!

Today arrives and something comes through the post for him. Turns out he spent £35 on a jacket for himself so he could start running again.

I don't begrudge him the jacket, and I'm delighted that he's getting back into his fitness. But I can't help feeling the tiniest bit hurt and I feel like such a bitch for feeling that way. AIBU?

OP posts:
Anydreamwilldo12 · 03/03/2021 18:47

Jesus Christ. You have yourself a selfish twat OP. How bloody nasty of him to do that.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2021 18:49

I'm split on this. If he ordered the running coat in the sale l, assumed op would get a card and flowers like his Mom always did,l and because he got a card and some beer for DS, then op announces she wants a £20 present, he may not have been able to afford it. Why does something for his hobby come after a random thong op has decided she wants?

What did you get him for father's Day @Goodytoshoes as that kinda sets the precedence.

On the other hand op spent £20+ on his present, was something he asked for specifically, op asked for something meaningful for mother's Day, he said no and made up an excuse and then brought himself a running coat full price.

How much spending money do you both get after bills?

ilovesushi · 03/03/2021 18:52

That sucks! Men can be pretty dense. I bet he hasn't even put two and two together. Just come out and tell him that you are hurt that he spent money on himself just when he said he couldn't afford to get you a gift. x

AfterEightsBeforeEight · 03/03/2021 18:53

I had a DP like this, and actually over a long period of time, it grinds you down.

I got nothing for my birthday, Christmas, valentine's, anniversarys. And I'm a real people pleaser type who loves to put a lot of thought and effort into things like this for others.

That type of incompatibly is rarely successful.

AliasGrape · 03/03/2021 18:53

I think if you're waiting till Mothers Day you're going to spend the time secretly hoping he'll do something for the day and then it will be a bigger deal on the day and make you sad on what should be a special day. I'd just raise it now, hopefully he'll pull his finger out and either find the £20 or do something thoughtful but free and you'll actually get to enjoy the day.

We had a bit of a to do last night. It's my first mother's day too. He asked what i wanted, i told him, sent the link three times as he kept losing it, reminded him last week as it needed to be ordered and orders were closing the weekend just gone. Yesterday he was scrolling through his phone, must have come across the link I sent and sheepishly told me he'd forgotten and now missed the order date. It made me feel shit that all he had to do was click the link and stick his PayPal details in. It was all 'I'm so busy work is so stressful' etc but like I pointed out he doesn't forget to do his fantasy football for example, or order his special beers etc. It wasn't a huge deal and I didn't make it one but I did say I felt a bit crap (part of a bigger picture at the moment) as I just think its important to speak up. We're fine now, I could probably use it to get more of a fuss or an expensive gift than this very small thing I wanted but it's not really the point. The point was I wanted to feel like everything I'm doing coping with our first baby in lockdown with no family support and him not around much was appreciated and I told him so. I really think you should say similar to your DH.

Xerochrysum · 03/03/2021 18:54

It's quite weird for me that you expect mothers day gift from your dh, when your dc is still a baby. I think it's only started when my dc was about 2, so he understood what it means and wanted get something for me so they went out to get a gift together.
Maybe your dh felt the same. He isn't your mother, and your dc is too small to understand.

Cowmilk · 03/03/2021 18:54

I wouldn’t wait (because I’m impatient). I rather have a ruined surprise than wasting days thinking will he, won’t he. I would just get it over and done with. Even if he wasn’t planning on buying it, he might change his mind and buy it. After realising how important it is to you.

GabriellaMontez · 03/03/2021 18:56

You're worried about being cruel?

But he doesnt mind looking after himself while fobbing you off with bs about not being able to afford stuff.

How is this ok? Dont fuck around. Tell him how you feel. And remember fathers day is round the corner.

SinkGirl · 03/03/2021 18:57

@Xerochrysum

It's quite weird for me that you expect mothers day gift from your dh, when your dc is still a baby. I think it's only started when my dc was about 2, so he understood what it means and wanted get something for me so they went out to get a gift together. Maybe your dh felt the same. He isn't your mother, and your dc is too small to understand.
ODFOD. My twins are 4, both disabled and have no concept of what Mother’s Day is (or Father’s Day, birthdays, Christmas etc)

DH and I gift each other something on these days to show how much we appreciate everything the other does for us all - it’s not an easy situation for either of us.

TheOpen · 03/03/2021 18:58

The degree to which people give cards and gifts differs for everyone so if you've previously said you don't want anything then it's not a huge surprise he has gone with this (annoying/inconsiderate I know, but you have given him permission).

Like others have said, better to say now that on reflection you've changed your mind and you'd like to celebrate occasions more going forward. It'll be fun, nice for your DC to witness this and for your DC to learn about showing gratitude too. Ask: can you find the money for Mother's Day? And then pause and don't speak, don't offer him "oh it's ok if you can't" type comments.

Money can't be that tight if he spends £35 on hobby items without discussing or checking the budget first.

RandomMess · 03/03/2021 18:59

Please don't wait until after Morhers Day to have this conversation.

You do not need any special jacket of any sort to go running!!!!

You state that whilst you understand that he will get you x after his pay day that you are hurt and let down that he has AGAIN prioritised something he wants over something for you the same as the date night that never happened. Ask him how does he think that makes you feel knowing where you stand in his priorities?

RandomMess · 03/03/2021 19:00

Tell him before he wears the damn thing and returns it.

Only specialist item required is running shoes AngryAngryAngryAngry

vdbfamily · 03/03/2021 19:00

personally I think your partner should be sending HIS mother a card( if he does mother's Day) and you should wait until your little one is big enough to make a card at nursery or school where they are able to start expressing themselves. I have never really understood why grown men have to pretend to be toddlers and buy stuff on their behalf. But then gifts has never been my love language.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2021 19:00

@Xerochrysum

It's quite weird for me that you expect mothers day gift from your dh, when your dc is still a baby. I think it's only started when my dc was about 2, so he understood what it means and wanted get something for me so they went out to get a gift together. Maybe your dh felt the same. He isn't your mother, and your dc is too small to understand.
But he only understood at 2 because someone imprinted on him the societal expectations of the day. It's quite weird you'd expect a 2 yo to understand the concept of appreciation and reciprocation in monetary ways
ilovesooty · 03/03/2021 19:04

I think it's one thing to empathise with the OP's feelings and be supportive of her saying how she feels. It's quite another to call her "wet" and to throw around words like "doormat" and to harangue her for not confronting him RIGHT NOW TODAY THIS MINUTE.

GabriellaMontez · 03/03/2021 19:04

@Xerochrysum

It's quite weird for me that you expect mothers day gift from your dh, when your dc is still a baby. I think it's only started when my dc was about 2, so he understood what it means and wanted get something for me so they went out to get a gift together. Maybe your dh felt the same. He isn't your mother, and your dc is too small to understand.
Well why didnt he say "this is weird " instead of making up a lie about not being able to afford it. Then treating himself to a new jacket?
MadeForThis · 03/03/2021 19:04

OP it's your first Mother's Day, don't let him set the precedent for future years.

I wouldn't mention anything until the actual day in case he has planned something nice. It's not about the money after all. He could make a a massive fuss over you with very little money if he cared to.

If he does nothing I would mention the jacket.

But most importantly do nothing for Father's Day. He can't have it both ways.

bridgetreilly · 03/03/2021 19:05

I basically think that the only appropriate mothers' day gifts are handmade cards from your children and a small bunch of daffodils, which could have been picked from the garden. So basically, I think YABU but I also think it's a bit crap that he chose to buy himself something instead of you.

Ellpellwood · 03/03/2021 19:08

Does it really matter that it's for Mother's Day as opposed to her birthday? Her DH does not have some sort of moral objection to Mother's Day. He agreed it was a "good idea" to buy her gift later. Except, he could afford it now and just didn't feel like it.

Ellpellwood · 03/03/2021 19:09

a small bunch of daffodils

God, yes. God forbid having been up every 2 hours breastfeeding for 6 months I should have expected a medium or large bunch!

Tiredmum100 · 03/03/2021 19:11

I remember my 1st mothers day. Dc1 was born prem and I had a though time leading up to his birth. Anyway all I asked dh for was a travel mug in asda (£5). He didn't get me anything. He picked me up a 2 hour drive away from a hen weekend and told me that was my present. I didn't believe him and every time he left the room I honestly thought he would reappear with flowers or something. Anyway he didn't and I ended up buying the mug myself in the sale. My best mothers day present is from when dc 1 was about 1. In nursery he glued some bits of coloured paper on to a small cardboard box. Its one of my most treasured possessions.

Crazybunnylady123 · 03/03/2021 19:13

On my first Mother’s Day I got a nice Moonpig card with photos of our baby on the front. I framed it and it’s on my bedside.
It didn’t cost much but meant everything, that my dp thought of me and everything I do.
Even if there isn’t much money something can be done to mark the occasion.

Potterythrowdown · 03/03/2021 19:13

If he's prioritising buying himself a £35 running jacket instead of buying his wife a £20 gift on behalf of his child, I seriously doubt he'll be making hand print cards or picking bunches of flowers or making delicious breakfast for OP to enjoy at her leisure.

I'd definitely discuss it with him now OP and tell him how disappointed you are. If you wait till MD you'll only be even more upset if there's not a surprise waiting for you.

24butfeeling80 · 03/03/2021 19:15

I think we’re with the same man. Honestly OP, this was my DP before kids, wouldn’t make any effort to get my anything, either couldn’t afford or ‘forgot’ pretty useless at planning anything, but after DD was born he did the same thing about Mother’s Day, I felt a bit sad because it was my first Mother’s Day and thought he would have put some effort in. With CV we was obviously at home together and no post ever came and he never went out so I was pretty certain he hadn’t brought anything.

Anyway, Mother’s Day came and he brought DD in in a ‘mummy will you marry daddy?’ Vest, a ring and a Nintendo switch (something he knew I wanted)

I have no idea how he kept it so secret. The ring he brought months prior was was hiding right under my nose in our bread maker on top of the fridge.

My point is, don’t get beat up until after the day arrives. You’ll dwell on it and get stressed out probably for nothing.

Mydogmylife · 03/03/2021 19:16

@AliceBlueGown

This isn't okay (unless you are getting a surprise). However why make such a fuss about mothers day - first child or not. If you are asking for £20 gift now - will you expect more next year - will he be paying for expensive mothers day gifts until the children are earning? A bunch of daff's a bit of love and care - that's mothers day.
Fair enough , but I think you have missed the point - DH said there was no spare cash for the Mother's Day present which op accepted with no demur, but he magically managed to produce neatly double the sum to get himself a luxury treat. Rather shows where his priorities lir for you think?