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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First mothers day disappointment

273 replies

Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:26

I feel so guilty for writing this.

My partner told me last night that he can't really afford to get me anything for mothers day and I told him I understood because finances are a bit tight at the moment. I mentioned I just wanted to spend it with my DC, but maybe I could pamper myself on the cheap as well by doing honey and sugar facemasks, and watch movies etc.

He knows there's a thing I wanted from my DC for mothers day, which is only £20, and I suggested that he could get me it when finances are better as a delayed mothers day present, and he said that was a good idea.

Everyone was happy!

Today arrives and something comes through the post for him. Turns out he spent £35 on a jacket for himself so he could start running again.

I don't begrudge him the jacket, and I'm delighted that he's getting back into his fitness. But I can't help feeling the tiniest bit hurt and I feel like such a bitch for feeling that way. AIBU?

OP posts:
Parky04 · 03/03/2021 17:36

Doesn't think much of you does he? Most people would rather spend the money on their loved ones and go without themselves.

TheyIsMyFamily · 03/03/2021 17:37

It sounds like you come last on his list, frankly.

He pleads poverty for date nights with you, but spends more on nights out with his friends?

You ask for a £20 item, he pleads poverty, then turns around and buys himself a £35 jacket he doesn't need as he has many?

You get nothing for Christmas or birthdays?

Sounds like a gem of a man. Not.

CarrieMoonbeams · 03/03/2021 17:37

The OP's child is only 10 months old. I don't have DCs myself but I would imagine that the first Mother's Day would be a fairly special one, even if some people don't bother much about subsequent years?

I would be pretty unhappy about this OP, and I really think you should say something to him now. I'd say "oh, I thought we didn't have money? Because you know I wanted that thing for £20?" and see what he says.

Damn cheek of him!

missbridgerton · 03/03/2021 17:38

OP it is your 1st Mother's Day.

Do not let him think this is OK. It really isn't.

Don't be a doormat and not mention it. You put the jacket in front of him tonight and say thank you for making my contribution to our family feel so worthless.

SunshineCake · 03/03/2021 17:38

@WorraLiberty

Did he actually need the jacket though?

And more importantly, will he be organising the DC to make you a card/breakfast or something?

I'm not one for husbands buying gifts for their wives on Mothers Day, as that's (imo) what Christmas, Valentine's and Birthdays are for.

Don't be disingenuous m in a lot of cases the DC are too small to buy the gift themselves.
WhirlingGerbil · 03/03/2021 17:43

Any chance he has actually got you what you want as a surprise?

Good point.

I wouldn't say anything just yet OP. Expect the worst though. I would carry on with your plan to do nice things, and give yourself a little treat, say something in the region of £35?

Dee2997 · 03/03/2021 17:44

If it was me I would buy what you wanted for yourself as a Mother’s Day treat 🌸

NeptunesGaze · 03/03/2021 17:45

My dh forgot my first Mother’s Day. He doesn’t ever forget anything important to me since! If you let him treat you like this and roll over and take more, what do you expect? He obviously knows you won’t make a big deal of it, otherwise after the time out with mates he wouldn’t be pulling this stunt again. If you don’t want a life of being forgotten you have to speak up and set out your expectations to him and not to mumsnetters

HikeForward · 03/03/2021 17:48

Clearly you do begrudge him buying himself a jacket instead of a Mother’s Day gift for you.

Why make Mother’s Day into something materialistic, about presents and cards? I thought the point was your husband and kids make you breakfast in bed or pick some flowers for you and you all do something together? Showing their love and appreciation rather than ‘pampering’ you as if it’s your birthday?

Porcupineintherough · 03/03/2021 17:48

If you swallow thos quietly, just like you did all the other times he treated you like this, it just confirms to him that he can treat you poorly. Please speak up for yourself, forget "not wanting to pressure him" he needs a swift shoe up the arse.

FeeLock28 · 03/03/2021 17:51

@Goodytoshoes, @littlepattilou has hit the nail on the head. This man has lied you to by saying there isn't enough money for a gift for you, and then bought a gift for himself - at nearly double the price. He doesn't buy you anything at Christmas. You pay less because you're on maternity leave, but he buys more things because he's well paid.

Not only is this economic coercive control, it's spiteful, selfish, two-faced, and it's teaching your child how to manipulate you.

That you are thinking of behaving childishly by buying yourself something to spite him - or by mildly waiting until it's too late for him to act and merely endure your silent hurt on the day - is indicative of how few options he is leaving you: if you weren't being bullied by him you wouldn't hesitate to discuss your dissatisfaction with him rationally.

I really think you should consider taking external advice, perhaps from your GP or other independent observer, as I'm sure there are other issues where he ignores your needs or wishes in favour of his own.

purplebiscuits · 03/03/2021 17:53

Regardless what Mother's Day means to others, he knew you wanted this gift.

Then spent more on a jacket for himself.

That's just totally wrong.
Where are his morals?

sundowners · 03/03/2021 17:54

Right so finances are so tight but he has the money to fund a pretty pricey piece of completely non essential clothing? I run. You don't need any speciality gear other than decent trainers- especially not a running jacket when its getting warmer now anyway. He found the dosh to treat himself to a luxury item (luxury as its not essential) get doesn't care enough about you to treat you to a very msll something he knew you wanted for Mothers day.

CheltenhamLady · 03/03/2021 17:54

This is presumably your first Mother's Day OP. It is a lovely first milestone and he is not taking it seriously. You need to address this now or you will be upset every year.

I wouldn't send the jacket back, but I would be making it clear how upset and disappointed I was he chose to spend his money elsewhere, especially this first year. You need to set your expectations as he seems unaware of his new responsibilities.

WindmillWendy · 03/03/2021 17:54

That’s really not ok. He places you much down the pecking order in his list of priorities. Even a bunch of daffs and a bar of chocolate would be a nice gesture. I’d be very upset in your shoes

BrumBoo · 03/03/2021 17:55

Why make Mother’s Day into something materialistic, about presents and cards? I thought the point was your husband and kids make you breakfast in bed or pick some flowers for you and you all do something together? Showing their love and appreciation rather than ‘pampering’ you as if it’s your birthday?

This isn't a 'look how more wholesome my idea of MD is' competition. This is the OPs first mother's day. If she wants a present and a card, then why the hell shouldn't she? A baby can't appreciate picking flowers, and having very young children and breakfast in bed never mixes. In fact, breakfast in bed is really the pits of a 'nice present', genuinely who thinks getting crumbs in sheets and balancing tea uncomfortably bed is a good, relaxing idea?

AliceBlueGown · 03/03/2021 18:00

This isn't okay (unless you are getting a surprise). However why make such a fuss about mothers day - first child or not. If you are asking for £20 gift now - will you expect more next year - will he be paying for expensive mothers day gifts until the children are earning? A bunch of daff's a bit of love and care - that's mothers day.

Everydaydragon · 03/03/2021 18:00

Order the thing you want for yourself and tell.hi. you've done it explaining how you've been feeling. Dont sit on the feelings for another whole week

30julytoday · 03/03/2021 18:02

Since when does Mother’s Day require money for gifts? Or am I just old fashioned

I did expect and appreciate a home made card...usually nurseries schools took care of this when they were small.. but once age 7 onwards I expected husband to get kids organised

When they grew up they bought cards with their own pocket money.

I don’t want something from husband- I ain’t his mother!

Is that just me?

ConkerBonkers · 03/03/2021 18:03

I think another poster had it right, tell him he can count the jacket as a father's Day present to himself, and you buy yourself the thing you want. When it's father's Day he gets a card and the kids make him breakfast. Everyone's happy and you're not out of pocket. I really think that's the best solution.

Fwiw, my husband and I buy ourselves our own presents from each other. I prefer that to getting something I don't want, so suggested it and it actually works really really well for us.

Bourbonbiccy · 03/03/2021 18:03

I would be disappointed and really quite sad that he prioritised his running jacket over something he knew would make me happy on a day that is special to me.

You don't need to wait to discuss it, it's not about game playing, just have a conversation with him, although it does seem that he has form for not prioritising you, so you have to decide if that's ok or if he is given another chance to change. Is this how you want every occasion to be.

Totallydefeated · 03/03/2021 18:05

I bet if you raise it with him, he’ll twist it about needing the jacket so he can get fit, don’t you want him to look after his health etc. He’ll turn it round so he’s the hard done by one.

He’s selfish and thoughtless and taking you for granted.

ilovesooty · 03/03/2021 18:05

@Nekoness

Nope. I’d make a big show putting a big return label on it and when he blurts out asking what you’re doing ... feign surprise and ask what he means? He said he couldn’t afford a Mother’s Day gift and money was tight so surely this has to be a mistake and he doesn’t actually think you’re going to let him treat you like a worthless piece of shit? And smile
How infantile. She can make her point and say she's hurt without resorting to that sort of behaviour.
Lochmorlich · 03/03/2021 18:08

Its a sad fact that if you put yourself last then so will your dh and eventually your dc too.
You're too nice and thats not a compliment. People treat you how you allow them to.

Aprilx · 03/03/2021 18:08

I must admit, I don’t understand why it is important that your partner buys a gift that you picked and then have you both pretend it is from a baby. But I don’t think that is the point, you think differently and that is valid.

What is important is that he thinks something that will make you happy is not as important as something that makes him happy. You start by saying you feel guilty even expressing your disappointment, you go on to make excuse after excuse for him. “He doesn’t think”. Trust me, he thinks. He thinks you aren’t worth the effort, he thinks he is more important and he thinks you will suck it up like you do at Christmas and over date nights.

Don’t wait until Mother’s Day. Don’t be passive aggressive. Ask him tonight “How come there is £35 available for your jacket but there isn’t £20 available for my Mother’s Day gift?” Make him explain and take it from there.